XxBacktoBlackXx Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Well, I spent New Year's with my boyfriend. It started out very well. He met my family for the first time and then he took me to his friends New Year's party that evening. Neither of us drink and everyone else was trashed but it was fun to meet a bunch of his friends. His best friend is a girl and he called her at the party. She was really drunk and was at a club. I was standing with him, he was holding my hand, and he told her, "I love you too". I know it wasn't meant in that type of love but it really, really bothered me. We have been dating 4 months and say we love each other but still haven't said it in front of anyone. He also has a picture of this girl as the background in his phone. I was tearing up when I heard him say that, but I very much held it together as I didn't wanna' make a scene at the party with his friends. I put on my happy face. I tried to continue it while we were driving home. Once we got back to his house, I couldn't contain it much longer and I started to cry. I regret stating this, but I kept prefecing what I was saying with, "I know this is really stupid but...". I regret that because now I don't feel that my feelings were stupid at all. I told him that it really hurt my feelings that he said that. He gave me a huge hug, really was there for me, and told me that he just meant it in a friends way. I cried for a bit, and then things went back to normal. I got home today and I have been thinking things over. I sent him an E-mail stating all of my feelings about this situation. I told him that I felt it was really disrespectful of him to say he loves this girl at the party in front of everyone when he doesn't say that to me in front of people. I also said I find it disrespectful that she is the background to his phone. They have hooked up once in the past but that was a year ago and have never dated. I told him that this fact makes it hard for me to digest the exchanging of love. I said I respect being good friends with people but that I felt these things were crossing the line. What do you think of this E-Mail? I would've called and told him this, but he is asleep now and he never turns his phone off. I really needed to get this off my chest. Do you think I have legitimate complaints?
luckyinlove Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I would definitely say you have legitimate complaints. Especially if they are making you feel unhappy (as they should be!). I know for a fact I'd feel the same way as you do. If your boyfriend is with you, he needs to be with you and nobody else. He also needs to respect your feelings and needs as well as long as you aren't asking too much. I mean it's alright to have a close friend, but those are things that are simply inappropriate. I'd be even more concerned being that they've hooked up in the past. Besides, they are your feelings and it is important to get them out because chances are they won't just go away. He'd never know how affected you are by the situation, but you would have continued to get upset everytime he would have exchanged those words (or whatever else) with this other girl. I've had similar issues in the past with my boyfriend, and struggled to share my feelings. Ultimately it just made things worse when I finally did confront him. Hope everything goes well!
Florida Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 This dude is trouble with a capitol T. Hell yes you had every right to be upset. This isn't even about respecting your feelings, there are so many things wrong with this guy, from all the postings, and at 4 months..... And when you say "I know it wasn't meant in that type of way.." how do you know? He had: -hooked up with her- -likes her enough to be best friends (BF!! That's extreme in and of itself)- -now he says "I love you" to her in public. Tell him you may be open to a relationship in the future with him once he gets his feelings for her sorted out, but as a new GF, this isn't something you can stand by and idly watch. Is this your "one"? Hopefully the one doesn';t have an ex as a best friend who he says he loves while holding your hand.
Jilly Bean Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Hi, B2B. In the past two weeks, you have posted every few days about this guy. I'm not saying that you shouldn't vent your problems, I am just saying that it seems to be a lot lately. And the postings revolve around mainly him and this ex-gf/FWB/friend whatever she is. I just wonder if this relationship is meeting your needs or not. You just seem upset by him a lot, and I don't think your upset is unwarranted, since he does seem to not be mindful of your feelings nor behave in an appropriate bf way. WDYT?
BlueEyedSarah Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 XxBacktoBlackXx, Why are you still standing and watching this? Your heart is being ripped apart by this guy... I think you should leave this relationship as soon as possiable. Saying I love you to an ex or even close friend (of the opasit sex) is a huge kick! I have a very good friend I have known since he was born and we both don't say "I love you" to each other, NEVER have. As good friends you just feel that love without it needing to be said. Why do you stick with this guy? I have read your other posts and all he does is give off huge red flags. Your a good looking girl, any guy would drop to your feet to be with you I'm sure
Green Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I wouldn't be so gentle with you if you were my gf
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Thanks for the responses everyone. I know I've been posting a lot about this guy. The thing is, he has treated me better than any boyfriend I've ever had, minus this situation. After I e-mailed him, he called me 3 times last night, but I was asleep and then a couple times this morning. He sent me a quick response on E-Mail saying that he was really happy that I was communicating with him about this and that he really understood why I would be very upset. Then we talked for an hour this morning about it and he was very understanding. I know I've been upset by this guy a lot, but I feel like maybe I am just judging him by the past experiences I've had with past Bf's. I'm not sure.
Winfield Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Whatever his intentions are towards his ex-girlfriend (whether it be close friends, hoping for another chance with her, etc), it's clear they're making you uncomfortable... So - why not break up with him and look for someone else without "emotional baggage" (at least it would put your mind at ease)?
Florida Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 (edited) Thanks for the responses everyone. I know I've been posting a lot about this guy. The thing is, he has treated me better than any boyfriend I've ever had, minus this situation. After I e-mailed him, he called me 3 times last night, but I was asleep and then a couple times this morning. He sent me a quick response on E-Mail saying that he was really happy that I was communicating with him about this and that he really understood why I would be very upset. Then we talked for an hour this morning about it and he was very understanding. I know I've been upset by this guy a lot, but I feel like maybe I am just judging him by the past experiences I've had with past Bf's. I'm not sure. BTB, I have avoided posting on your threads because I get the feeling you will stick it out with him, no matter what anyone says, given how you are already rationalizing every single thing that was alarming and beyond red flag. Even this post above, you are backsliding, a few e-mails from him and then you blame it all on yourself, and your past experiences. Well you can devalue your own reactions as much as you want to keep on with him, but I'm telling you, you are not over-reacting, it's not because an ex did you wrong, this BF will bring you down until your head is spinning and you will keep rationalizing away. Good luck, I hope you know you deserve much better than that. You have choices, he is not the last guy in the world. You don't have to accept his talking about dumping you for a superstar actress, you don't have to work through the intricacies of his best female friend who he expresses affection for and was madly in love with for years, walk away now. How do YOU feel about him? I think you are being influenced by him pursuing you, and you think that shows everything is okay. What do you think this relationsahip will be like as you wonder everyday if he is being inappropriate with his best friend? Maybe you can shove those feelings down, is that what you want? I'm just some words on this forum board, but it's a new year, and you have to choose if you want quality of life, or to be a nervous wreck for the duration of this relationship. Everyone here said you should dump him, everyone. Usually one person disagrees, but not here. Edited January 2, 2008 by Florida
EYECANDY000 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 You shouldnt question your emotions! if you are feeling hurt then you need to let him know. You are not wrong for being upset that this guy has a picture of his b/f who he slept with in his phone, and told her he loves her, and have never told you in public.. You need to really question your relationship with this guy? As someone else has stated you have expressed a lot of concerns with this guy
Jilly Bean Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Hon, just because he is better than your last crappy BF doesn't make him a gem. You're very young - you will have a whole slew of relationships before you find THE ONE. Until then, I vote time for another ugrade.
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 (edited) Florida, Thank you very much for your post. I understand what you're saying. I am rationalizing quite a bit. I guess part of the reason why I'm doing this is because I have never brought a boyfriend home to meet my family. I'm going to feel so stupid that I have to break up with him. I do love him and I want my family to see that I can be in a decent relationship, but maybe this isn't the one for me. The more I think about this, the more wrong it does feel. The thing is, I don't post about the really nice things he does for me; he gives me foot rubs, tells me I'm the most amazing girl, calls me and leaves me voice mails every night after we hang up telling me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me in his life. I have never had anyone do these things for me. It's going to be hard for me to leave that behind. But in my heart, I do know that I have to because the longer that I stay, the more attached I will get and the harder it will be to leave. I feel like my opinions have been validated by people on this board and also by friends in real life that I have spoken with about this. I had a friend express such shock that he had this girl as his background in his phone and I thought...maybe I'm not overreacting. My bf understood why I was upset and this understanding made me realize that maybe it's not me. I guess I have gotten to the point that I understand in my head it's time to let go but I number one feel silly that I just brought him home to meet everyone. I know that's a bit dumb, but I don't want my parents to think I can't keep a man and number two I wonder if I will ever find someone to do the special things he does for me. Edited January 2, 2008 by XxBacktoBlackXx
melodymatters Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Wait a minute, hold up ! It sounds like your BF is being VERY receptive to your feelings. At least give him time to change his actions: ie deleting the phone pic, saying he loves you in public etc. It seems lately that if anyone has ANY kind of problem, everyone here starts the " Dump him" chant. Soon, everyone on LS will be completely single if this keeps up ! I would say, let him prove his words with actions, and THEN make a decision.
Florida Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Florida, Thank you very much for your post. I understand what you're saying. I am rationalizing quite a bit. I guess part of the reason why I'm doing this is because I have never brought a boyfriend home to meet my family. I'm going to feel so stupid that I have to break up with him. I do love him and I want my family to see that I can be in a decent relationship, but maybe this isn't the one for me. BTB your family will see that you can be in a long term relationship-but it will be with someone who you don't have to ask to take his best friend off his screen saver , and all that other stuff. The more I think about this, the more wrong it does feel. The thing is, I don't post about the really nice things he does for me; he gives me foot rubs, tells me I'm the most amazing girl, calls me and leaves me voice mails every night after we hang up telling me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me in his life. I have never had anyone do these things for me. It's going to be hard for me to leave that behind. But in my heart, I do know that I have to because the longer that I stay, the more attached I will get and the harder it will be to leave. BTB I promise you-you will find someone else who does all that, but minus the accompanying grief and heartwrenching pain of his baggage. I feel like my opinions have been validated by people on this board and also by friends in real life that I have spoken with about this. I had a friend express such shock that he had this girl as his background in his phone and I thought...maybe I'm not overreacting. My bf understood why I was upset and this understanding made me realize that maybe it's not me. I guess I have gotten to the point that I understand in my head it's time to let go but I number one feel silly that I just brought him home to meet everyone. I know that's a bit dumb, but I don't want my parents to think I can't keep a man and number two I wonder if I will ever find someone to do the special things he does for me. Honey-your family would want you to make the right choice, not just go forward because he met them and subject yourself to bad behavior. Life rewards those who look out for themselves. I am so glad you are making the right choice for yourself, it takes a lot to go through the pain, but honestly-don't you feel relieved too? I mean-every week this guy has something new and shocking coming out. BTB you will be so glad you did this, as bad as it feels now, life does reward those who protect their hearts from being abused with better levels of people, because you deserve it, and you know you won't settle for less!
Virgo1982 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'm sorry, but I read your other post and he sounds like a bloody liar. How is it that he tells her he loves her in front of you and his friends, but when they were making out there weren't feelings there. I don't trust him and you shouldn't either. Just because you believe he treats you the best out of anyone you've been with doesn't mean there isn't someone out there to treat you better.
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Thank you for your opinions. Melody_matters, why do you think I should think twice? Thanks. I decided that tonight I'm going to call him and tell him that I do have boundaries in a relationship. I'm going to tell him my physical boundaries that I have. I'm going to say that I don't want anything besides hugging happening between other friends and that includes cuddling on a couch, holding hands, etc. I am going to say that if he has broken any of these and continues to do so in the future that I am done. I really can't handle that.
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Ugh, I just feel horrible right now because I feel like during my phone conversation later when I ask if they do anything like hold hands, cuddle, etc. I will hear an answer I don't want to hear. Then I will end it. I feel sick.
Green Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 The way you are with one thing is the way you are with everything. Logically then the way you are with one guy is the way you are with all men. The reason for this is simple, the fastest part of your brain is also the most stupid. If you have one bad experience with a guy it remembers how you felt and the moment there’s a guy around it replays the feeling, this isn’t helpful when you’re trying to have healthy relationships. When you meet a new guy do you worry he will reject your feelings, well have you ever been rejected by a guy before? Your subconscious mind is working to protect you from feeling that feeling by replaying the feeling as a warning so you avoid the behavior that led you to the feeling the first time. Maybe some times you feel jealous when you see your guy talking to other girls, even though you know he’d never cheat. Well that feeling probably comes from a previous boy friend who cheated on you. It has nothing to do with the current guy, unless you act on that feeling and get shtty with him and give him a reason to cheat. Then suddenly all the guy you get together with are cheating on you and you wonder why. It’s sometimes hard to ignore these feelings and its very hard to let them go. But there are several good techniques.
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 Thanks KMT, I really do appreciate it. Can you tell me of any good techniques? Or sources where I can find these? I would really like that. I know that I base a lot of my present on my past, which isn't always wise.
Florida Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Thanks KMT, I really do appreciate it. Can you tell me of any good techniques? Or sources where I can find these? I would really like that. I know that I base a lot of my present on my past, which isn't always wise. While you work on that, don't brush this under the rug as " bringing the past into the present. " If anything-your past may have made you set low expectations regarding what is acceptable behavior from him... For example, if you had much worse, by comparison-he seems great. But that doesn't actually make him great. His BEST FRIEND is non negotiable, will always be there, he makes jokes about dumping you if he meets so and so actress, he expresses inappropriate affection to his "best friend". BTB-are you backsliding and turning it around on yourself, like it's your issue not his? Because it's def his issue.
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