whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 BSs just need a scapegoat for their lack of acceptance of reality, don't play in to it. So, the MM had an affair alone, with own penis?
Havn_a_life Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I kind of feel like I got a little off track with my last post.... Sorry about that. I don't want to judge MM's W. I don't know her, and I only know one side of things with them... Honestly, I just want advice on how to accept all this. How to handle this, move forward and really try to make my R with MM work.... I love him. I want to be with him. Yes, he is a cheater and now so am I. I feel terrible about that. Today was exhausting. I feel like emotionally I'm drained.... I'm focusing on MY life and making sure I have a job and can move forward. That is about all I can do right now, other than be there to listen, right?? With the way he just handed your imfo over to her, I'd say you have a 20% chance of being truly happy with this guy. If he'll do with it ya;He'll do it to ya. I wouldn't put much weight into his being faithful to you. JMO
Havn_a_life Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 It sounds to me that the M was in its demise long before he turned to CMC. I think he needed the love and strength from her to actually do it. Welllll...I highly doubt that. Sounds more like he needed some on the side and a big ego boost from the OW helped, of course, becuase from the way the BW acted after she found out he was cheating, it wasn't as cut and dried as he made the OW out to feel it was.
Havn_a_life Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Well what makes the difference between an affair that ends a M and an M that survives an affair? If you're trying to say the OP can be a helpful factor in the survival of a M, then you are so full of it. The OP has apsolutlely nothing to do with that.
Havn_a_life Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I guess I'd like to share more details so you can make your own opinions... I do appreciate those giving me advice on how to move FORWARD and not judging me on my actions. I realize that our A was wrong and that we both will be suffering those consequences. I don't need any more lectures, trust me..... His W is not completely innocent either.... granted, she never had a PA but she had been having an EA for at least 2 years with an old high school exBF she re-connected with. They spoke daily for hours at a time (she was a stay-at-home mom) and had dinners, lunches, he made her cd's to listen to... I mean, it sounds like she was doing everything but the physical with this guy. So is that really different!?!? (Honest question....) And you know this info about the BW how? personally from her, her 'few" friends or coworkers, maybe her cheating H?
PoshPrincess Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 CmC, first off, as I think you've realised during the duration of this thread, you have to accept the consequences of your actions. Yes, your MM may have gone about ending things with his W in the wrong way, but there are always fall-outs and repercussions after DDay. This, you have to expect. Once he told his W about his A then of course she would be asking "who?" That's a pretty natural reaction. I know I would want to know if it were me. I certainly agree that MM's W was way out of line for the way in which she told their children. Funnily enough, my exMM's W reacted very similarly in that respect. I am a Mum and can't imagine how someone can drag their kids into their R problems. That said, I have never been cheated on. I just know that I would protect my son from anything possible. She was hurting though, and lashed out in the only way she knew how at the time. She knew that by telling the kids what their Dad had been up to she would be hurting HIM and that was her first priority in the heat of the moment. What she (or you) may not know is that this could have the desired result for her. My exMM's 14 year old daughter was, naturally, devastated by his A, so much so that she became ill (although she did have other problems aside from this) and because of this my MM decided to stay as he couldn't handle what we had done to her and didn't want to make things any worse. He worried every evening when he returned from work that she might have 'done something stupid'. I really hope for your sake that this is not the case for you, but you have to be fully prepared for every eventuality. Like you (and others - myself included) have been told on here untold times - only your MM and his W really know the truth about what happened, what was said, etc, so beware. Concentrate on the job hunting for the moment. Give your MM space but let him know you're around if he needs you. His W is very fragile at the moment and her saying to him (if it's true, that is) that she is relieved, etc may just be a way of her getting him on side. This could be a tactic to make her H stay with her and, if she loves him (as you do so you must understand) then who can blame her?
Virgo1982 Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 If you're trying to say the OP can be a helpful factor in the survival of a M, then you are so full of it. The OP has apsolutlely nothing to do with that. Full of it? Wow... It's a bit too much. Anyway, my question is very simple and has nothing to do with the affair being helpful or harmful. I'm just asking why some M's survive the affair and why some don't. IOW, it's blatantly logical and obvious to assume that the state of the M is the most important factor there. We are adults now. Fairytale land is done. There are no evil villians. No one is so cunning to come into your near-perfect M and "wreck" it:rolleyes:. By the way, in reference to what you thought I was implying, a BS in the infidelity forum did indicate that the affair opened her eyes to things she needed to work on and they've reconciled. Some BS do look at themselves to see if they can do something differently. Some just choose to pass out blame. Many choose a little of both. Either way, it's always best to see reality.
PoshPrincess Posted January 5, 2008 Posted January 5, 2008 We are adults now. Fairytale land is done. There are no evil villians. No one is so cunning to come into your near-perfect M and "wreck" it:rolleyes:. I have to say I agree. If a marriage was so perfect and both parties were happy they wouldn't allow anyone to come between them. Of course, the OP being involved doesn't help matters. By the way, in reference to what you thought I was implying, a BS in the infidelity forum did indicate that the affair opened her eyes to things she needed to work on and they've reconciled. Some BS do look at themselves to see if they can do something differently. This is true. It would be nice if there were no As ever but this is real life. I also think it sometimes takes an A to make the WS realise what they have. Or maybe it's more likely DDay that makes them realise I expect many will carry on until the A comes to light.
Havn_a_life Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Full of it? Wow... It's a bit too much. Anyway, my question is very simple and has nothing to do with the affair being helpful or harmful. I'm just asking why some M's survive the affair and why some don't. IOW, it's blatantly logical and obvious to assume that the state of the M is the most important factor there. We are adults now. Fairytale land is done. There are no evil villians. No one is so cunning to come into your near-perfect M and "wreck" it:rolleyes:. By the way, in reference to what you thought I was implying, a BS in the infidelity forum did indicate that the affair opened her eyes to things she needed to work on and they've reconciled. Some BS do look at themselves to see if they can do something differently. Some just choose to pass out blame. Many choose a little of both. Either way, it's always best to see reality. Sorry, no blame on this end that I have for myself. I tried to be a damn good wife and I take no share of the whys and wherefores of my H's A. Never did and never will. He made that big mistake all on his own. He gets to own that one 100%. Hmm, if I'd thought I'd done something wrong, or knew I'd done something wrong to make my H cheat...that's a good one. I thought being a good wife, and a good mom to our kids, loving my H and being there for him through thick and thin was what I was supposed to do as a spouse. Anything else I missed in the 10+ years of M? I sure can't think of anything...
Trimmer Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 I also think it sometimes takes an A to make the WS realise what they have. Or maybe it's more likely DDay that makes them realise This statement I can agree with, although in a different way than you may intend it. It really did take the affair to make me realize what I had... I expect many will carry on until the A comes to light. I'm not clear who the "many" are who are "carrying on?" And what are they carrying on doing?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Hi Not only did he say that he had been having sex with me for the last several months ~ he told her my name. I'm sick.... I understand that this is a consequence of my decision to enter into this type of R but was this really the best decision....!?! Today I'm a wreck. Not only am I hungover, I'm sick over this. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for him, but at the same time I'm a little upset that he acted so irresponsibly. He had complete control over how this played out and he blew it! Not only did he throw me under the bus, he specifically said who I was, AND now his kids know. I've been thinking all day about so many things. Why would he have done it like this....???? Any advice, thoughts, etc. would be awesome. Um isent it better not to have to live under the blanket of lies you have been? I can understand your embarrsed because what you did was wrong and you got called out on it. But I woulden't be to upset at him over nameing you why should he take all the heat himself? I keep hearing OW say it takes 2 to destroy a M maybe so. But then in all fairness it takes 2 to have an A as well so then bouth parties are to blame no? Na he dident put you under any bus that you hadent already put yourself when you started seeing a MM. I give him credit for ending the lies and clearing the air if anything! I do find it funnney and ironic that you are commenting on his irresponsibilty kinda like the pot calling the kettle black no lol? I would think you would be happy hes all yours now no?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Be there for him if you feel you should - opinion seems sharply divided on this but to me, I'd be there for any friend going through what MM is going through, so why not for him if I claim to love him? - but also remember that it's his issue and not yours, and don't get drawn into stuff. ... Um maybe I missed something but she had the A with the MM no? So there for most of what he would be going thu would be also be PARTLY the OWs fault no? I don't understand how one could take a its not my prob att in it then. Maybe thats just me tho or maybe I diden't read that right is that what you ment?
OWoman Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Um maybe I missed something but she had the A with the MM no? So there for most of what he would be going thu would be also be PARTLY the OWs fault no? I don't understand how one could take a its not my prob att in it then. Maybe thats just me tho or maybe I diden't read that right is that what you ment? Spanks - dissolving or sorting out the M is between the MM and his W. Of course the OW is an interested party - unless she's dumped the MM after D-Day but if not, she is invested in the outcome. But that does not mean OW should get drawn into the negotiations and discussions between MM and BW in ending or fixing their M. And if there's IC or MC, OW needs to play an appropriate role (which may be none at all) and not influence things unduly, either by invitation or by intent, if the counselling is to succeed in its purpose. Not sure if that clarifies what I meant?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Spanks - dissolving or sorting out the M is between the MM and his W. Of course the OW is an interested party - unless she's dumped the MM after D-Day but if not, she is invested in the outcome. But that does not mean OW should get drawn into the negotiations and discussions between MM and BW in ending or fixing their M. And if there's IC or MC, OW needs to play an appropriate role (which may be none at all) and not influence things unduly, either by invitation or by intent, if the counselling is to succeed in its purpose. Not sure if that clarifies what I meant? Oh ok thank you I dident realise you ment it that way I thought you kinda ment support in genral thu out the hole fall out. And that to me any ways means being named as the OW and letting the air clear. But no I agree the break up of the marrage far as paper work and everything is not the OWs/ new Gfs place agreed.
OWoman Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 And that to me any ways means being named as the OW and letting the air clear. MM and I discussed that at one point, prior to his telling his W there was "someone else" - if she asked who, would he tell her? He said he didn't want to do that as she'd then focus on the comparisons between herself and myself, rather than on the issue of the ending of their M - which was, he felt, where attention needed to be.
Havn_a_life Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Well, of course a BW will want to compare herself to the OW, but not always in the way some OWs might think she would. I would say it's fair anyway, since the OW does this as well.
OWoman Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 Well, of course a BW will want to compare herself to the OW, but not always in the way some OWs might think she would. I would say it's fair anyway, since the OW does this as well. some OWs may well compare themselves to the BW. I don't see the point, myself - if he's choosing to be with me, what does it matter what she's like? The only extent to which it matters to me are the dysfunctional patterns of relating MM may have picked up through being in an abusive relationship - and that can be addressed through counselling. It need not involve BW in any way. Personally, I have no issue with the MW wishing to compare herself to me or not. If she wants to believe he merely traded her in for a younger, sexier model then so be it, but I think it would be more helpful to her to focus instead on making sure that the nuts and bolts of dissolving the M are to her satisfaction as well as his and the kids'. If she's dwelling on whether or not I give good head, that's not helping her protect her financial future or ensure adequate access to her kids.
Havn_a_life Posted January 7, 2008 Posted January 7, 2008 some OWs may well compare themselves to the BW. I don't see the point, myself - if he's choosing to be with me, what does it matter what she's like? The only extent to which it matters to me are the dysfunctional patterns of relating MM may have picked up through being in an abusive relationship - and that can be addressed through counselling. It need not involve BW in any way. Personally, I have no issue with the MW wishing to compare herself to me or not. If she wants to believe he merely traded her in for a younger, sexier model then so be it, but I think it would be more helpful to her to focus instead on making sure that the nuts and bolts of dissolving the M are to her satisfaction as well as his and the kids'. If she's dwelling on whether or not I give good head, that's not helping her protect her financial future or ensure adequate access to her kids. Well, since he's the one doing the cheating, I would call that abuse to the BW in itself. So, that goes both ways. Of course, it would be nice to your ego if BW looked at herself that way. What a boost! I'm sure when all is said and done, BW will realize she's better off finding someone who won't cheat on her. I know I would. That's what I would want for her to get out of any councelling session.
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