Question about womens' sexuality and drive...aka another sexless marriage

[OWoman]

She wants to see if she can "get" an attraction to me.

 

 

Lanky - I agree she has serious self esteem issues, but are you prepared for your self esteem to be subjected to some ice maiden trying to work up an attraction to you? That make my blood run cold! You've said you're an attractive guy - you deserve someone who enjoys you, desires you, can't wait to rip your clothes off you - not someone who's biting the bullet and trying to talk herself into finding you attractive.

 

Walk - before you become a basket case like she is!

[ElvenPriestess]

Lanky - I agree she has serious self esteem issues, but are you prepared for your self esteem to be subjected to some ice maiden trying to work up an attraction to you? That make my blood run cold! You've said you're an attractive guy - you deserve someone who enjoys you, desires you, can't wait to rip your clothes off you - not someone who's biting the bullet and trying to talk herself into finding you attractive.

 

Walk - before you become a basket case like she is!

 

A very good point here. If you're not careful, she'll end up tearing down your own confidence trying to look at you the way you want her to look at you. You'll both end up worse off in the end. What you want from her is something that should be there with out question.

 

Like OWoman says. You deserve some one who desires you, is attracted to you, wants you. Don't settle for less. No one should.

[LankyGuy]

Hmm...I was afraid of this. Sounds like you two are thinking that she'll never be able to develop an attraction to me if it's not there. One thing she also admitted is that she does think sex is "bad". She bought a book on returning sex and intimacy to the relationship. She said she doesn't even like saying the word. I'm thinking WTF?! She asked me to convince her that it's not bad. I asked her point blank if she's ever been abused...she said no. She was believable. Her mom DID repress sexuality...my W was scolded for liking boys in 8th grade and her mother did NOT want her girls to be girly.

 

I remember back to my GF in HS and 1st year of college and her sexual attraction to me was extremely high. She couldn't keep her hands off of me. I guess I took that for granted... I can't imagine having something like that now...I don't think my wife was ever that way. I was always the initiator...

 

One other thing I've thought about is make-up sex...we've only had make-up sex one time in 14 years. After a fight I couldn't dream of going beyond kissing...she'd be livid. That speaks of intimacy problems, now that I think about it.

 

She bought a book about returning sex and intimacy to a marriage the other day. We'll see if it helps. I don't think she wants to have or like sex, per se...I think she fears that what I told her is true. If she admits that she's never had an attraction to me then she feels that the relationship is doomed...at least she'll feel that it is in my eyes. And I told her that the other night...it cannot be a romantic relationship if she's not attracted to me...and the marriage cannot work...especially if she wants romantic gestures from me.

 

The scary thing is that at times she's just totally annoyed by me. She's told me she's "over me" or "sick of me" or "tired of me" while we were fighting. I'd let her cool down and ask if she still feels that way and she backpedals...but maybe it's true. Yeah, I've gotten cold to her lately so I can understand that, but what does she expect?

 

The crying that she's done when she's thought that our marriage could end seems like it's just due to that fact...the "failure" and the changes it would make in her life. Not about the fact that she's losing ME...the person. I asked her a couple of months ago what she'd miss about me if I were to leave...I told her to assume that my income would still come in and the work I do would still be done... She couldn't come up with a single thing.

[ElvenPriestess]

She has horrible sexual hang ups. I am so sorry to you for this. Books won't solve her issues, she can read all she wants, the problem is within herself. She must see this for it to end. She seems trapped in a childhood state of mind from her past. She obviously has issues deeper than what you can solve, which will affect you in the long run. She must seek help for this if she is to ever be where she should be at in her life.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hmm...I was afraid of this. Sounds like you two are thinking that she'll never be able to develop an attraction to me if it's not there. One thing she also admitted is that she does think sex is "bad". She bought a book on returning sex and intimacy to the relationship. She said she doesn't even like saying the word. I'm thinking WTF?! She asked me to convince her that it's not bad. I asked her point blank if she's ever been abused...she said no. She was believable. Her mom DID repress sexuality...my W was scolded for liking boys in 8th grade and her mother did NOT want her girls to be girly.

 

I remember back to my GF in HS and 1st year of college and her sexual attraction to me was extremely high. She couldn't keep her hands off of me. I guess I took that for granted... I can't imagine having something like that now...I don't think my wife was ever that way. I was always the initiator...

 

One other thing I've thought about is make-up sex...we've only had make-up sex one time in 14 years. After a fight I couldn't dream of going beyond kissing...she'd be livid. That speaks of intimacy problems, now that I think about it.

 

She bought a book about returning sex and intimacy to a marriage the other day. We'll see if it helps. I don't think she wants to have or like sex, per se...I think she fears that what I told her is true. If she admits that she's never had an attraction to me then she feels that the relationship is doomed...at least she'll feel that it is in my eyes. And I told her that the other night...it cannot be a romantic relationship if she's not attracted to me...and the marriage cannot work...especially if she wants romantic gestures from me.

 

The scary thing is that at times she's just totally annoyed by me. She's told me she's "over me" or "sick of me" or "tired of me" while we were fighting. I'd let her cool down and ask if she still feels that way and she backpedals...but maybe it's true. Yeah, I've gotten cold to her lately so I can understand that, but what does she expect?

 

The crying that she's done when she's thought that our marriage could end seems like it's just due to that fact...the "failure" and the changes it would make in her life. Not about the fact that she's losing ME...the person. I asked her a couple of months ago what she'd miss about me if I were to leave...I told her to assume that my income would still come in and the work I do would still be done... She couldn't come up with a single thing.

 

At least lanky guy your not going out there and banging anyone else. to make yourself feel better.

 

I commend you for digginf to the root issues and trying to fix them.

 

I think with time and effort you both can turn your marriage around. Start working out man, try to look better. It's time for a great plan a.

[Storyrider]

I told her that the other night...it cannot be a romantic relationship if she's not attracted to me...and the marriage cannot work...especially if she wants romantic gestures from me.

 

This is the crux of it.

[OWoman]

She bought a book on returning sex and intimacy to the relationship. She said she doesn't even like saying the word. I'm thinking WTF?! She asked me to convince her that it's not bad.

 

She has hangups that are beyond what you can deal with by yourselves. It should not be for either spouse to convince the other that sex is not bad. That should happen between a therapist and a patient.

 

The crying that she's done when she's thought that our marriage could end seems like it's just due to that fact...the "failure" and the changes it would make in her life. Not about the fact that she's losing ME...the person. I asked her a couple of months ago what she'd miss about me if I were to leave...I told her to assume that my income would still come in and the work I do would still be done... She couldn't come up with a single thing.

 

Lanky this cannot be good for your self-esteem. You've ceased to be a person to her and become a role - a provider, a companion, whatever. It's not Lanky she's seeing anymore, it's what you do for her within the marriage.

 

Your high school girlfriend who couldn't keep her hands off you - now THAT'S what things should be like, though perhaps making allowances for letting you get on with the cooking without being fondled once in a while. You shouldn't feel that you're inflicting some kind of suffering on someone against their will when you're just trying to express love and intimacy within a partnership.

 

I don't think a book will help, unless as EP suggests it nudges her towards therapy. But that's a long road, and in the meantime you will be frustrated, resentful and increasingly disinvested in your marriage. She cannot expect love and adoration from you if she's showing nothing in return.

 

How much longer can you hold out making an unequal investment in a marriage that has diminishing prospects of recovery?

[Ronni_W]

...what she'd miss about me if I were to leave...assume that my income would still come in and the work I do would still be done... She couldn't come up with a single thing.

THAT can't help with your self-esteem and confidence! I get that she wasn't necessarily even trying to hurt you but still it is a painful message.

 

You are 100% correct that she cannot expect from you, and you cannot give to her, romantic gestures in an environment where there is no romantic interest in you -- what IS she thinking, about that???

 

The thing, I guess, is if this situation as a whole is good enough for you, for the rest of your natural days? While this may not be the best time for you to be contemplating that, I think at some point it'll become clear if it is good enough (in which case you choose it and stop letting ANY part of it bother you) or it isn't good enough (in which case you take the painful steps to end your marriage.)

 

Well, I guess the 3rd option is to hope that Fate will step in soon enough, and offer a much brighter and more hopeful 3rd option

 

Sorry that this is going on for you, LG. It just is so opposite of fairy tales and childhood dreams, is it not?

[SunnySideUp]

Maybe your wife should try a different therapist, and go alone. If she thinks 90% of the problem in your relationship is you, it sounds like she might be codependent. That's something I struggled with and it made my marriage miserable for about a year until I sought independent help, going to a counselor thinking that my husband was the problem in our marriage. I learned a lot. I would agree with the post that you do have to be firm with you, and decide whether or not you want to live with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. Personally, my sex drive is a little higher than my husband's, and we have sex about twice a week. Lots of women love sex.