stepheine Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 So my ex boyfriend and I met for lunch and we had a long talk. He asked me what I wanted out of the relationship and I told him that I wanted something consistent, stable, and without drama. I told him that I wanted to be with him. And I do, I really miss him and the times that we shared!! I asked him what he wanted and he said right now he could not give 100% and that he could see me a couple times a week. That he felt smothered and did not realize it until he lost his job and then with me "smothering" him he felt overwhelmed. I asked him how he felt about me and he said he liked me alot, he enjoyed the time we spend together, and that he missed me when I was gone. He never threw my little disposable items away that were at his house which made me feel a little hope. This man is 35 yrs. old never been married. He also said that he feels I am the type of girl that needs someone 100% and that I don't have a lot of outside interest. This really hurt my feelings and made me feel a little like a looser. The meeting was short and then when I asked him what the conclusion was he said lets both take a couple days to think about it and get together on WED. (tomorrow). He said he wanted both of us to be part of the decision. Is this a lost cause for me, so many people say it is. Can this ever be positive or better or is doing this just prolonging my pain? Loosing his job has seemed to change him!! I am tired of having these talks with him also I just want to go out and do something fun with him. I just want to feel him happy again, I just want it to be us again. Based on what he has said it sounds grave, can giving him want he wants and needs in this situation bring us closer together/ or am I just causing myself undo misery? I get so much great insight on here thank you so so so much guys. God this is so very hard and difficult!!! I want to be with him but I don't want to be stupid.
Ronni_W Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 Job loss can be transformational, yes, and it does impact the whole psyche. Partners don't realize that it requires changes in the perspectives and expectations of BOTH, and the lack of recognition can cause issues on both sides...it's not just where you were unaware or he became more self-focused (or whatever are the specific causes in your situation.) Do you feel that you CAN give him what he wants? -- a somewhat independent partner who can find ways of entertaining herself and meeting her own needs without him having to be involved in every single activity and aspect of her life? Will you be satisfied with seeing him a couple of times a week, as he's indicated he wants/needs right now? I think if you don't want to be in the kind of relationship that he's telling you he can give right now, then, yes, there will likely be more conflict and and heartache (for both of you.) I would base my final decision on that.
Dontunderstand Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 Wow Im somewhat in the same boat..... Im not very good at this stuff but I lost my job in the summer and it hurt my pride and ego and it was the hardest thing for me to cope with. I was working there for 5 years. I did try and push away my b/f at the time but thank god he snappped me out of it. He kept telling me it wasnt the end of the world because at that time it did feel like it! He helped me out so much and I found a job that Im working with now, even though I hate it was hard I had to get a whole new routine and at times I still feel like Im not the same. Im sure your b/f is going though something of the same. He prob feels lost with no routine, not to overlook his pride and ego is hurt too!! If I was you tell him you arent going to give up on him because he lost his job, tell him that he is a smart man and will come back stronger and better then before!! Be his support my b/f was mine and I dont know where I would be without him!
Author stepheine Posted January 1, 2008 Author Posted January 1, 2008 Thank You so much!! So you think to be understanding and he will come back around possibly. You guys think this thing is centered around his job. I want to make him feel better!!!
Ronni_W Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 You guys think this thing is centered around his job. I want to make him feel better!!! Well, you said that losing his job has changed him so it makes sense that that is an important aspect of what's going on for him . DontUnderstand's advice is excellent -- be supportive of him. BUT you need to find out, and then offer the kind of support that HE wants and needs...not just try to force on him what you want to give or what you might need in the same circumstance. According to your post, supporting him INCLUDES giving him space instead of just fawning over (smothering) him and calling that "support" -- he'll see it as you not hearing him instead of as you wanting to help him feel better (you can't MAKE him feel better, only HELP.) Ask him what he needs to feel supported, listen to his answers, and respect that he knows better than anyone else what/how he needs. If you don't feel up to offering the kind of support and encouragement that HE needs during this phase of his life, then it will be a challenge for you to get the kind of relationship that you want -- the two of you will have contrasting needs and desires, and there will be conflict over getting those met.
sedgwick Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 (edited) I think he's telling you very, very clearly what he needs from you. He needs you to back off a bit and develop your life outside of him. I think that's very valid. It's hard to be with someone who makes you the center of their life. He asked you to give him some space and allow him a period of NC, and you ignored that and kept calling and going to his house. So far you've shown him what YOU need, but not given him much of what HE needs. I very much understand his reticence. Having your own thing going and letting them see that you are genuinely happy with your life, and you WANT them but don't NEED them, is sexy. So, what are you passionate about outside of him, and what are you doing about it? You can use this as a great chance to develop yourself and your interests. In the end you may find you don't care so much about the guy, but you've fallen in love with what you're doing. This is what happened to me after my last breakup. I had always wanted to learn to bellydance, and when we split up, I went and took a class. Four years later, I'm in a dance company and have a performance coming up in three weeks! I couldn't care less about the guy anymore, but I've completely fallen in love with dance, and I've met some amazing people because of it. Edited January 1, 2008 by sedgwick
johan Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 Is this a lost cause for me, so many people say it is. I'd say so. Having a relationship with someone you want to be with is not something you sit back for a couple days and think about. Going into business with someone is, but that's a rational decision. Loving someone is not. Can this ever be positive or better or is doing this just prolonging my pain? I think it's prolonging your pain. You sound like a sweet person who cares about him a lot, so I wish you wouldn't sign up for this. The best thing you can probably do is just say to yourself "to hell with him", and then go distract yourself with those interests he says you don't have.
Author stepheine Posted January 1, 2008 Author Posted January 1, 2008 Sedgwicks You know this is very true!! If anything I have realized this to the most!! So maybe whatever happens he has helped me to realize this. I do need to find out what other interest I have. I mean I have my career and am thinking of going back for the masters program. I have a very large great family that I spend a lot of time with but any suggestions for finding things that interest me outside of hanging out with friends and work? I like outdoors stuff but it is boring doing it alone. I love to read, I do alot of that. He called me today and asked me if I would help him to take down his christmas tree and stuff. I told him sure but I find it a bit odd since he seemed he didn't want me to be at his house before.
Author stepheine Posted January 1, 2008 Author Posted January 1, 2008 Johan, Thank you and this is how part of me feels!! He is always so logical about every move he makes but yes what about the feelings and emotions. It did hurt my feelings when he said I have little interest outside of him ouch!! I do have a life. I have a career and a great supportive family and I have friends I just don't have a bunch of hobbies.
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