blind_otter Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 As I sit here I wonder where he could be. The last time I saw him he was stupid drunk at a party last night. I left without him, I got a ride from my friend. He never came home and won't answer his cell phone. This isn't the first time he's done this. This is more like the tenth. I don't know what to do in the face of such disrespect! I have to let him go. I'm trapped. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. I don't want to be with him. I know it was stupid to get pregnant, so please don't lecture me. He does everything in his power to sabotage this relationship. He knew the consequences for doing this to me again but he did it anyway. I'm just beside myself. I'm so sad. I wish I didn't have to make such a difficult choice when I'm pregnant. Why couldn't he just be here with me, supportive and loving like he is when he's sober? He begged me to let him drink on New Year's Eve. I said no, but he went to the party before me and by the time I got there he was already drunk. And who knows what else he was on, he was acting weird. Flirting with women right in front of me. Disappearing all the time. I kept losing him. Then at the end of the night I was calling him to find out where he was and he hung up on me twice. Then he turned his phone off. So I left without saying goodbye. My best friend gave me a ride home and stayed the night with me because I was so upset. Here it is, 2pm the next day. Still no word from him. And when he does finally come back...if he ever comes back...what can I say to him? I want him gone. My friend tells me that I should try to work things out with him because I'm pregnant. My family, on the other hand, doe snot support my relationship with him. They think he's a drunk and a deadbeat. They are probably right. It hurts so bad to be disprespected like this. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 1, 2008 Author Share Posted January 1, 2008 Well I finally heard from him. He was up all night doing mescaline. He's ****ing 36 years old. When will he grow up? What do I do? Do I cut him out of my life, and do this pregnancy alone? Do I let him back in? How can I ever trust him again? I conquered my addictions. It was a long, hard, ugly road. But I am proud of what I have accomplished. How can I endanger my sobriety by continuing to allow this man to be in my life? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 No, you shouldn't endanger your sobriety, BO. Listen to your family. I admire you so much for kicking your habits. You know I struggle with my addictions. You're amazing. Please don't let him take away what you've fought so hard for. I would get a lawyer immediately. You need to establish visitation/child support. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, BO. You really deserve an upstanding guy after everything you've gone through...and he ain't it. Lean on your friends and family now and kick this loser to the curb. How can you even consider being with a man like this? You said you're trapped. You're not. It's up to you. You do have options. And he's clearly made his choice so now he must live with the consequences. Warm hugs to you, BO. Please take care of yourself and let this loser go. Link to post Share on other sites
randuff Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 You can't and musn't. He is bad for you if he is consantly doing this. You know this, it is not something I have to point out. Staying with him because you are pregnant is ridiculous if you can't trust him. Who knows how long this behavior will continue. The stress will do no good for you AND the unborn child. Does he support you financially which makes it hard to let go? If not kick him. Even so kick him. Just my thoughts on your situation. You ultimately are going to do what YOU want but make yourself a well thought out, rational decision. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 B_O, I'm sorry the year started off this way for you. First of all, I agree with the other posters. You have come a long way and you dont want someone who can potentially undo all the good you've done. Perhaps this man isn't the man you once thought he was. As for the pregnancy, I don't know where you stand on it, being 3 months along, what are your options? Having the baby and raising it as a single? Giving it up for adoption? Abortion? At 3 months I doubt I'd be able to do that latter, i dont know that I personally ever could, but I presume it's a possibility. Where do you stand mentally on it all? Either way, regardless of what you do pregnancy wise, I'd say stay away from this guy. From the sound of it, I'm not sure i'd want my child to be with him either, who knows if he'd be sober enough to care for the child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 1, 2008 Author Share Posted January 1, 2008 He keeps going back and forth when it comes to alcohol and drugs. He'll be clean and sober for a month or two and then have another night of binge drinking. It's difficult to handle and I just can't do it any more. I know I won't have an abortion. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Some guys don't grow up until something forces them to. A woman and a child are two things that can do it. But the process of growing up isn't always a clean cut-over. Some guys fight it. Some of them succeed. I don't know him. The drugs are a serious knock against him in my opinion. But I don't know enough to call him a loser and to claim that he'll never be there to do the right thing for you. I don't know enough the other way either. The only evidence I have is what you've written about him over time. And the vast majority of it has been pretty good. You've been together a long time and you haven't posted a lot of this kind of stuff. I don't have any advice. You probably know in your heart what to do, and whether you go with that or not probably isn't something I could have a big influence on. I just hope you do the right thing, and I'll be on your side no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 He keeps going back and forth when it comes to alcohol and drugs. He'll be clean and sober for a month or two and then have another night of binge drinking. It's difficult to handle and I just can't do it any more. I know I won't have an abortion. Maybe the right thing to do is to get pissed at him and give him hell, but don't threaten to leave. Let him know he's in this with you, and he's going to damn well step up and start acting like a man and a father. Threatening to leave is generally counter-productive if the actual goal is to have a good relationship. It's the easy way out. You have a right to demand better. He knows he owes that to you and the kid. But he may be relying on the 80/20 rule: if he's good 80% of the time, then the 20% is probably not really required. Remind him that 100% is the goal. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 I am so sorry this is happening to you... He needs a wake up call and hopefully he'll get it soon so he can change his ways. Until then, focus on you, your growing bell. Link to post Share on other sites
Jade 02 Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Oh man Blind O! I think you,and I have alot in common as far as having a drunk looser for an ole man. Shoot mines 52,and still acts like everyday is a party. YEP!!!! Every frigging day and night,and never stops. I get no break from being with this drunk. I am married to my drunk,and so much like you,I feel trapped,and he tells me all the time I have to accept this cuz we are married now. My mom bought me this mobile home (after marraige) we are living in now. He has beat me,and the home about a month ago. I should of put him in jail,but man I would hate to do that to anyone,and sooooo much money in fines,and classes,and probation,I know I be stuck paying somehow. I wish I could just get him outta here with a couple of big dudes. I have not drank myself since my mom bought me this home.(she felt like I deserved it after being clean,and sober for so long. Now I get to watch it be destroyed by my drunk. Oh you are pregnant! Congrats even though. I know It will be so hard for you,But I don't know if this is the right thing to say,but If I was you,I wouldn't marry him. (I didn't mean to hurt any felings by saying that,but all I can see is it getting worse for you,if you marry. My hubby has ben in alcohol rehab 5 times,so I quess the drinking is never going to stop. Like they say in AA He will either end up in a nut hut or jail or dead. It's gotta end soon. You have to take care of you,and your baby 1st. In fact I am so scared,right now as my hubby is so drunk,and has to hold the walls to walk to the bathroom,and I am walking on eggshells just to make sure I keep peace. All I want him to do is pass out. I am in the bedroom,and I stay in here. He has the run of the whole house everyday,and night. Keeps me up all hours of the night,even work nights. He has high BP,so he snaps at anything. Sorry back to you,Oh I can relate,so please don't marry. In fact,I'm kinda scared for you also. Is your BF abusive physically? Has he ben in the past? Please think of you,and baby only. I hope the best 4 you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 1, 2008 Author Share Posted January 1, 2008 (edited) Well more of the truth came out. It wasn't mescaline, it was cocaine. I don't know why he thought one would be better than the other. He had no excuses and he was pretty pathetic. I don't know if giving him another shot will be a good thing or not, but I have to try. For the baby's sake. HE WILL go back to AA or this will not work. Edited January 1, 2008 by blind_otter Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 In short, the father of your child is a big dumbass. I respect your choice, blind_otter. You need to make him see how bad this is, and you need to remind him about it. Don't assume that a couple clean months means the problem is solved. I probably don't need to tell you that. Link to post Share on other sites
randuff Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Hmmmmm.... I really don't know the history too much but unless he can get straight, doing it for the "baby's sake" isn't going to work. My background : My baby's momma is an addict (methamphetamines) she has now been sober for 5 years. I encourage her to be in our son's life as much as she can and wants. I have custody of him. But when he was born and she abused meth often she was a horrible wife and an even worse mother. The former I could live with "for the baby's sake" but the latter NO. Not many people can be a responsible parent when they are a user. Yeah sure they may be great at times but then what about a binge or a few days of partying for a high. I'm sorry but unfortunately there are no breaks for being a parent. It is a 24/7/365 job. So although you may not want to give up because you have a long history together keep in mind that if he doesn't straighten up chances are it isn't going to be a pleasurable experience. It took me kicking my EW out, divorcing her and sending her to a rehab in a city 180 miles away before she realized what she had done. Now she is a better (not perfect) mother because of that and that was what was most important. I know this is a difficult decision (and makes me kinda chuckle at how pathetic I am acting about my ex fiance leaving me when people have bigger problems) but use your head and do what is going to be right for all of you, especially YOU. Good luck BO R Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 I'm sorry B_O. I don't have much experience with this. But it sounds like all you can do is set the rules and boundaries, and give him the choice of whether to follow them or leave. Would you even trust him with the baby's care, knowing how bad his judgement is? How would you feel about telling him he needs to be straight and sober to be in your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Well more of the truth came out. It wasn't mescaline, it was cocaine. I don't know why he thought one would be better than the other. He had no excuses and he was pretty pathetic. I don't know if giving him another shot will be a good thing or not, but I have to try. For the baby's sake. HE WILL go back to AA or this will not work. Well, Keep in mind that it was NYE, I mean, a whole bunch of people are doing that stuff. And you'll need that guy now with the baby. Good luck, and congrats on the baby... awww... Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 I remember your previous post about his drinking, for some reason I didn't think his actions were all that bad from the other post. However it seems like his substance abuse is becoming more frequent and serious, like he's on his way down again. The hanging up on you then disappearing is terrible, I would leave a relationship over that is a heartbeat. I think you need to kick him out (does he partially own the house?) I mean, do you really want to raise a baby in in a home with an alcoholic/cokehead? And I'm not going to lecture you but I will say that it sort of angers me that you keep getting pregnant. I mean you just posted a thread about him drinking again and about maybe leaving him then you go and get pregnant. I really don't mean any disrespect, there is a lot I admire about you but these situations upset me Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Well more of the truth came out. It wasn't mescaline, it was cocaine. I don't know why he thought one would be better than the other. He had no excuses and he was pretty pathetic. I don't know if giving him another shot will be a good thing or not, but I have to try. For the baby's sake. HE WILL go back to AA or this will not work. You've got that right on. Are you in al-anon? I hope so, especially if he's in AA, but even if he isn't. It will help you realize that he's responsible for himself and no amount of mothering or caring will change that. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetcheripie Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Can you live with family and save money until the baby is born? Do you have other children? Are you financially able to raise a child on your own? I know money isn't everything but as a divorced mom with two kids - I can tell you even with an ex husband who is really good about paying child support it is still REALLY hard. From what you say here - it doesn't sound good. I can't imagine leaving a pregnant girlfriend at home and doing cocaine on NYE. Who does that?? I am so sorry you are going through this. If it were me, I would move back home (providing you have loving parents) and save every penny. I would look into adoption. It may be the HARDEST thing ever but I think you would be protecting the baby from a drug addict daddy. If that isn't an option, I would definitely get some legal aid and have all my ducks in a row before the baby is born ie visitation, support etc. I wouldn't talk to the BF UNTILL he has several months of AA under his belt and really PROVES that he is going to be a responsible Dad. It will be easier to become a momma BEAR when the baby is born. I truly grew a new backbone after I had my kids Again, I am sooooo sorrry. I hope he gets his act together really quick. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 This is a really hard one BO. I am so sorry you are in this situation as I admire you for so many things! You are the only one who knows what you can put up with and you know him best. If he does this often then this is not good and will not help you or the baby. Have things changed since you last posted? Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 ok-I'm going against the general consensus here. Given what little I actually know about you personally, but based on what you've written in this forum and what you've gone through and conquered...I have no doubt that you will be a wonderful mother. With or without the father to help support you, i really think that you will be fine if you have to raise the baby on your own. As for your bf, I'm stating the obvious when I say that he has an addiction that is clearly an illness and some people with addictions do have relapses. And I believe in sticking by the ones you love regardless of whatever struggles they are currently going through. However, and the ultimate question is this; does he want to change?? Does he excuse his behavior or willingly admit that he f'ed up? To me the latter says he's trying while the former says he's justifing. And if he's justifing then he isn't going to change anytime soon, IMO. Moreover, if you think that being with him will compromise your sobriety....bail ASAP. But if he's really making an effort (and I know with my own smoking habit that it takes a few quitting attempts to get it right) I say stick by him. Especially with a baby on the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Jade 02 Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Lishy,you are so right! I'ts gotta be hard on Blind. Blind are you in a safe place? I just care. Do you get support from outside the home? Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Just a bit of my perspective... as someone who's had some issues with drink which was a part of the demise of my marriage. He begged me to let him drink on New Year's Eve. I said no, but he went to the party before me and by the time I got there he was already drunk. By doing this you set up an almost parent/child relationship... Basically forbidding him from doing something... So what did he do.?.. probably over acted in rebellion. Sure it seems immature... but inside of all of us is a child somewhere. I'm definitly not blaming his actions on you... just adding another angle to what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted January 2, 2008 Author Share Posted January 2, 2008 He is remorseful. I just don't know what to think. He came home and we talked a bit. He cried and said he was a loser and he promised to never do cocaine again, but I said I'll believe it when I see it. I want him to get help so he can be part of the baby's life. He already has one son, and though he only sees him every other weekend, he calls his son all the time and they are close. He did admit that he ****ed up, big time, and he was ready to move his stuff out of my house. I live in my mother's old house, she let's me stay there rent free. I retrospect he probably did act out of rebellion. I'm not emotionally close to my mother but she is supportive of this pregnancy. She brought me our traditional hoppin' john and collard greens on new year's day and talked to me a bit about what had happened. She told me that my family would be there for me and I could do this alone if I have to. Now my SO is extremely depressed. Naturally, since he did coke. I used to use and I remember that down feeling very well. He went to bed in the late afternoon yesterday and hasn't gotten out of bed since then. He won't eat, either. He's just trying to sleep away the pain, I suppose. I love him and I want the best for him but part of me is afraid that the best thing for him is to be kicked out and really have to face his problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 I'm so sorry you have had to go thru this crap B-O.. Don't be an enabler !!.. Don't make excuses for him !! I retrospect he probably did act out of rebellion. I'm not going to say what you need to do..I will say that I feel you need him in your life not only as the father of your baby but also as your SO.. but I also feel he has done nothing but continue to make you "Test" your own sobriety.. over and over again and feel that has to end. He needs to grow up and be a big boy and get some treatment and some therapy.. He needs to be there for you and the baby. **Hugz** Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 and he was ready to move his stuff out of my house. He is ready to run...but is he ready to sober up ?.. By the way.. Props to you and your Sobriety.. I have the utmost respect for you Link to post Share on other sites
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