Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'll have to disagree with this daisy-chain... Kamille, you're a tad commitment phobe. Why?
Nemo Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'm enjoying this pyramid scheme of love, but where is Kamille???? Hopefully not flat at the bottom. But usually they regain their shape, after some tasteful prodding.
Storyrider Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Hopefully not flat at the bottom. But usually they regain their shape, after some tasteful prodding. I know you were going to suggest something involving blowing and then thought the better of it.
Author Kamille Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Sorry for the disappearance guys and thanks for the comments, no matter how difficult they might be to read. I think for me the main question is TBF's and sweetcheriepie's: I don't understand why I'm acting this way. And to be honest, my ex-boyfriend (R lasted 3 years). also complained that I never truly 'committed' to the relationship and I had a hard time understanding what he meant. I think the moving in talk freaked me out. My blowout happened two days before I was to be giving my notice to the landlord and I would have been moving in with him. Not only that, but a week ago, before this whole thing started, BF and I had had a conversation about smoking inside (he smokes in a designated room but it still incommodates me) where he made me feel like I was out of line for requesting that we designate one day a week a 'smoke outside day'. He eventually conceded, but he made me feel like he was granting me that right. The day after I woke up feeling shaken up. This was actually the first time that I asked anything of him. Yes he takes wonderful care of me, is very attentive to most of my needs, but the one time I made a request I ended up crying. He apologized the day after and even though I accepted his apology, I don't think we really were over it. He was overly super attentive to every other one of my needs and meanwhile, a lot of little things he did annoyed me. In a way, my blowing up three days ago about smoking inside has proven to be for the best. We talked it out, he's gained some of his previous independance and I no longer feel choked. I don't think everything can be always smooth sailing, and I think we are learning a lot about each other. But I wonder, Shadowplay and perhaps Ariadne and all others who question whether or not I love him, what love is to you? I mean, for me, bf and I are still at the cusp between love and infatuation and in a weird way, the events of the last week, and the fact that we seem to be pulling through, makes me hopefull that our feelings are growing stronger and that our relationship is worthwhile. And as to those of you who assume that pulling back is akin to turning into a bitch, I'm a bit ambivalent. I admit I was impossible, but I think the word bitch is a bit strong. And yes he is allowed to be vulnerable and that is definitely a part of who he is and a part that does make him pretty amazing. But last week that vulnerability and my crankyness simply did not mesh. We were simply just not on the same page and yes in a way I wanted him to stop putting up with my cranky mood. Anyways, I will let you know how things go. I feel rested and much better the last few days. And kind of amazed that he could see my dark side and still want to be there.
Author Kamille Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 I don't want him to act out of fear with me, and to try to curtail his actions just to keep me in his life. I want him to be himself. I love him when he's not acting out of fear. He is funny, charming, brilliant, sweet. His actual sentence was: I'm acting this way because I have too much to lose if I lose you. And you know what, maybe I needed the swift beating you guys gave me, but Sweetcheriepie is actually right: the conversation we had about all this has proven to be effective. We have actually managed to talk it out. He seems to no longer be afraid to be himself around me. I love it!
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 (edited) I hate to see him be so vulnerable. What attracted me to him was the fact that he, in all other aspects of his life, and with me up until now, is a strong, confident, provocative man. I want a partner you know, not a puppet. I want him to be him you know? I am willing to aknowledge my part of responsibility in his change of mood, but I think what would be best is for us to work on gaining some independance from each other - while he seems to want us to be together even more then before. I don't want to upset you, but I'll be honest: I don't think you're in love with this guy. I think you really, really want to be in love with him because he's so great to you and he's perfect on paper, but I get the sense reading this thread and others that you're trying to force a feeling that isn't there. The main problem seems to be that you don't respect him. I'm not criticizing you for this. I think a lot of women have trouble respecting men who always bend over backwards for them. Given that you seem to also suffer from commitment phobia, you're especially prone to losing respect for such a guy. I wonder if you two are well matched because it sounds like you need a man who can occasionally put you in your place and put his needs first. Your boyfriend is obviously a sweetheart, but that doesn't mean he's right for you. The dynamic doesn't sound very healthy to me. He's the type of guy that loves doing things to please his woman; that's just the way he is. He deserves a woman who will appreciate this about him (not try to change him), and you deserve someone whom you fully respect. When you said you're freaked out by his occasional vulnerability that was a major red flag to me. Vulnerability is a feeling one doesn't have much control over, and one shouldn't be alienated for feeling it. If his vulnerability scares you, he's not the right guy for you. Holy cow. I just had an epiphany. Shadow hit it dead on here. It's eery how similar the dynamics of our respective relationships are, only I think I am your BF, and you are mine. Edited January 2, 2008 by Star Gazer
Author Kamille Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Holy cow. I just had an epiphany. Shadow hit it dead on here. It's eery how similar the dynamics of our respective relationships are, only I think I am your BF, and you are mine. I know. The similarities, roles reversed, are somewhat shocking. Except, to my credit, and I think it speaks to how much I actually care about this R, I confronted him about it instead of letting things ride. I also think three months is about the time when the infatuation starts to fade. In my case, this means realizing that yes, at times, I feel choked in this relationship. We basically spend all our free time together (which while on vacation, is a LOT of time) and I'm not sure how to negotiate us not being so fusional. But I think I'll wait a few days into the work week, to see if it still bothers me then. But I do love him. I know some people here don't believe it. I think I have a hard time with the fact that I'm the one 'losing my shine' in a way. He now knows me really really well - knows how moody I can be - and now he's taken to joking about it. Which, really, is very very annoying, and not so romantic.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 He now knows me really really well - knows how moody I can be - and now he's taken to joking about it. Which, really, is very very annoying, and not so romantic. That's a coping mechanism. After a while even he won't be able to find the joke funny anymore, and he will begin to get tired of putting up with Queen Cranky. You should be yourselves, but more than that... you should want to be your better selves.
Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I also think three months is about the time when the infatuation starts to fade. In my case, this means realizing that yes, at times, I feel choked in this relationship. We basically spend all our free time together (which while on vacation, is a LOT of time) and I'm not sure how to negotiate us not being so fusional. Again, I'm totally right there with ya. I was thinking about the 3-month mark this morning. It seems to be a constant in all of my relationships... Hmm.
Author Kamille Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 That's a coping mechanism. After a while even he won't be able to find the joke funny anymore, and he will begin to get tired of putting up with Queen Cranky. You should be yourselves, but more than that... you should want to be your better selves. I totally agree and the joke is becoming tiring because I haven't been cranky in a few days now but every time he jokes about it it brings me right back. I'm not usually or always cranky. It happens, but hopefully he doesn't think that's who I am.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I totally agree and the joke is becoming tiring because I haven't been cranky in a few days now but every time he jokes about it it brings me right back. I'm not usually or always cranky. It happens, but hopefully he doesn't think that's who I am. Nobody expects constant rainbows and sunshine. It's Ok to be moody. Give fair warning, and remember that some things said can never be taken back. Do not cause insult or injury. It's not "who you are", however it's part of 'who you are'. See the difference there?
marcus0884 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Kamille, ...seriously if you want the guy to act the way he was when you met him..maybe you should also act the same as when you met him in that you liked him. Throwing mixed signals is the best way to make us guys start trying something new. Nice guys can be the marbolo man too. Ever think maybe hes being nice to you because he actually likes you??? Dont get brain freeze with that one ..just kidding Kamille if you like him but have a problem with how hes acting then just address it.
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