Kamille Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 (edited) Bf and I are at the 3 months mark, and sh*t hit the fan, most of it provoked by me. See, I just spent the last week feeling like an aweful human because all I could do was snap at him. We went on a roadtrip two weeks ago that ended up being just a marvelous time and we both felt closer then ever and had even started discussing moving in together. I think my reaction upon coming back was to pull back to gain some balance which prompted him to feel insecure and just try try and try to please me, which had the opposite effect of really grinding on my nerves. It all came to a head two days ago over an argument about smoking (he smokes inside his appartment and it drives me nuts -and it also makes me reticent to continue the talks about moving in - actually they have been put on the back burner). I ended up leaving and going home. We talked yesterday and he said that he felt like he was trying everything and nothing that he did pleased me. All I could answer was : well stop trying then. He said: but you don't understand how much I fear loosing you. How do I address that fear? I love him. I hate to see him be so vulnerable. What attracted me to him was the fact that he, in all other aspects of his life, and with me up until now, is a strong, confident, provocative man. I want a partner you know, not a puppet. I want him to be him you know? I am willing to aknowledge my part of responsibility in his change of mood, but I think what would be best is for us to work on gaining some independance from each other - while he seems to want us to be together even more then before. Edited January 1, 2008 by Kamille
Ariadne Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 Well, Good luck in dumping that guy. I know, but c'est la vie French guy. At least you had some fun. Ariadne
Woggle Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 In all honesty his fears are probably well founded. You seem to be slowly trying to pull away from him already and he senses that.
Author Kamille Posted January 1, 2008 Author Posted January 1, 2008 In all honesty his fears are probably well founded. You seem to be slowly trying to pull away from him already and he senses that. I am more then willing to recognize that there is a basis to his fears. I've been accused of being unromantic and over pragmatic before. It's just that his reaction, trying to pull me in closer or to please me in every way, didn't help much. We discussed that and it already seems to have helped in that last night he regained some of his confidence. But there is no way that I would give up on what we have so easily. I don't understand where his fear is coming from (other then me pulling a way a little bit for a few days). I mean, his parents are in a happy marriage and he broke up with his ex because he didn't love her anymore (in other words, I don't understand why he would have a fear od abandonment).
johan Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 He doesn't know what's going on in your heart. Probably because you don't even understand it all. Like any other woman, you're a bundle of fears with a bit of anger and you question things a lot. Some of your fears cause you to act uninterested and pull back. He doesn't see the fear underneath, just the disinterest and the distance. Knowing what I know, I don't know what I'd advise him to do. He could pull back himself, but that would be kind of fake. He could express himself to you, but you don't like what he has to say. I do know that trying to be Mr. Storybook romantic knight in shining armor is in almost every case a complete waste of effort. Probably the best advice I could give him is to just focus on the rest of his life, and if you decide you want to be part of it you'll be in touch.
Author Kamille Posted January 1, 2008 Author Posted January 1, 2008 Knowing what I know, I don't know what I'd advise him to do. He could pull back himself, but that would be kind of fake. He could express himself to you, but you don't like what he has to say. Probably the best advice I could give him is to just focus on the rest of his life, and if you decide you want to be part of it you'll be in touch. Well I definitely want to be in touch and I pretty much gave him a version of: well the only way this can work is by you being yourself. I think the fact that we're both on vacation is playing into this, in that neither of us have much else to focus on. I start work tomorow and he does on Thursday, so maybe this will grant me some of the balance that I want.
Woggle Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 I am more then willing to recognize that there is a basis to his fears. I've been accused of being unromantic and over pragmatic before. It's just that his reaction, trying to pull me in closer or to please me in every way, didn't help much. We discussed that and it already seems to have helped in that last night he regained some of his confidence. But there is no way that I would give up on what we have so easily. I don't understand where his fear is coming from (other then me pulling a way a little bit for a few days). I mean, his parents are in a happy marriage and he broke up with his ex because he didn't love her anymore (in other words, I don't understand why he would have a fear od abandonment). You said that last week you were starting a bunch of arguments and trying to pull after a wonderful trip. I don't even know you and I can see where this is headed so I can imagine he has a sense of things and is doubting the future of this relationship. He may not have loved his ex but it seems like he does care about you and he is scared because he sees where this is going.
Nemo Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 Bf and I are at the 3 months mark, and sh*t I am surprised you were both able to hold it for so long. Anyway, now that you have each gotten a load off, things should be plain sailing. You both have too much invested in this relationship to turn back now.
Author Kamille Posted January 1, 2008 Author Posted January 1, 2008 You said that last week you were starting a bunch of arguments and trying to pull after a wonderful trip. I don't even know you and I can see where this is headed so I can imagine he has a sense of things and is doubting the future of this relationship. He may not have loved his ex but it seems like he does care about you and he is scared because he sees where this is going. Well where I don't want this to be headed is either one of us sacrifing him/herself for the other. But I'm assuming that you see this headed towards a break-up? I don't want to lose him either. He's been very (if not overly) patient with me the last week and I am not about to give up on him either.
Woggle Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 Well where I don't want this to be headed is either one of us sacrifing him/herself for the other. But I'm assuming that you see this headed towards a break-up? I don't want to lose him either. He's been very (if not overly) patient with me the last week and I am not about to give up on him either. Quite honestly yes I see it headed towards that and most likely he does as well.
johan Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 I'd say Woggle is 80% correct. Maybe the 20% is just being extreme to make a point. On the other side of it, a guy has little chance to succeed in a relationship if he gets into the "take care of her every desire" mode. It's a rare woman, and one to be avoided, who likes having her ass kissed all the time. And it's also fake, because that kind of pace cannot be sustained. I think you and he both need to decide how you want to be in this relationship. He needs to go back to being a man who exists with or without you. And you need to decide what it is you actually like about him. Maybe the answer to that is "not much now that the shine is wearing off of the relationship." You do need to be with someone you actually like.
Nemo Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 It's a rare woman, and one to be avoided, who likes having her ass kissed all the time. If you substitute "kissed" for "pounded," then it's even rarer. One day, I hope all my dreams will come true.
Legend Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 Jesus... Stop playing games. One minute you like him. You 2 are really close, then the next you pull away?! What's he supposed to think, I'd have thought I'd lost you too. To resolve the problem, stop playing games, continue to get close like the 2 of you did while on the road trip, and don't be a b*tch for no reason to the poor guy. He obviously really cares for you,a nd your sudden change in behacior for NO reason caused him to feel insecure.
Florida Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 Kamille-why does his growing vulnerability scare you? And: What if this is who he is and how he acts when truly in love? And: Is it about the moving in together, or are you just put off that he is so into you within 3 months? My honest opinion-women say they want a caring sensitive guy , but when the guy actually shows it-and yes it can run deep-they freak out and want the Marlboro Man type back. And: is it realistic to want him to be the marlboro man indefinitely? Or just too soon for you? You need to figure out where this reaction is coming from, and why.
schweetpea Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 Jesus... Stop playing games. One minute you like him. You 2 are really close, then the next you pull away?! What's he supposed to think, I'd have thought I'd lost you too. To resolve the problem, stop playing games, continue to get close like the 2 of you did while on the road trip, and don't be a b*tch for no reason to the poor guy. He obviously really cares for you,a nd your sudden change in behacior for NO reason caused him to feel insecure. The thing is there is usually a REASON for the bitchiness to come on. She just needs to figure out why she reacted this way and what she really wants.
Sweetcheripie Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 It sounds like you two talked it out and time will tell. You fell hard for this guy and it sounds like he fell hard too. Now you may be having a little "buyers remorse" Its ok. I wouldn't super analyze and don't make any decisions until the work routine gets back to normal and you both have a little time. This may sound awful but when I was younger broke up with really great guys about three months into the relationship. It was when the newness was over and I still really really liked them. It was a defense mechanism to push them away because I didn't feel worthy. It was a test - they passed if they really begged for me to take them back but then I never really respected them because they were suddenly "wimpy" to me. I didn't realize at the time what I was doing. I know it sounds crazy! It took YEARS for me to figure it out but now I catch a lot of people do it. Things get going good and comfortable and BANG some kind of drama comes up that is a relationship test. Not at all saying that is what your doing - just throwing it out there. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders and he sounds like he is being very honest and open - you guys will get through this!
shadowplay Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 (edited) I don't want to upset you, but I'll be honest: I don't think you're in love with this guy. I think you really, really want to be in love with him because he's so great to you and he's perfect on paper, but I get the sense reading this thread and others that you're trying to force a feeling that isn't there. The main problem seems to be that you don't respect him. I'm not criticizing you for this. I think a lot of women have trouble respecting men who always bend over backwards for them. Given that you seem to also suffer from commitment phobia, you're especially prone to losing respect for such a guy. I wonder if you two are well matched because it sounds like you need a man who can occasionally put you in your place and put his needs first. Your boyfriend is obviously a sweetheart, but that doesn't mean he's right for you. The dynamic doesn't sound very healthy to me. He's the type of guy that loves doing things to please his woman; that's just the way he is. He deserves a woman who will appreciate this about him (not try to change him), and you deserve someone whom you fully respect. When you said you're freaked out by his occasional vulnerability that was a major red flag to me. Vulnerability is a feeling one doesn't have much control over, and one shouldn't be alienated for feeling it. If his vulnerability scares you, he's not the right guy for you. Edited January 2, 2008 by shadowplay
johan Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Well said, Shadowplay. While I hope you're wrong, I think that chances are you're exactly right.
Storyrider Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 (edited) I don't want to upset you, but I'll be honest: I don't think you're in love with this guy. I think you really, really want to be in love with him because he's so great to you and he's perfect on paper, but I get the sense reading this thread and others that you're trying to force a feeling that isn't there. The main problem seems to be that you don't respect him. I'm not criticizing you for this. I think a lot of women have trouble respecting men who always bend over backwards for them. Given that you seem to also suffer from commitment phobia, you're especially prone to losing respect for such a guy. I wonder if you two are well matched because it sounds like you need a man who can occasionally put you in your place and put his needs first. Your boyfriend is obviously a sweetheart, but that doesn't mean he's right for you. The dynamic doesn't sound very healthy to me. He's the type of guy that loves doing things to please his woman; that's just the way he is. He deserves a woman who will appreciate this about him (not try to change him), and you deserve someone whom you fully respect. When you said you're freaked out by his occasional vulnerability that was a major red flag to me. Vulnerability is a feeling one doesn't have much control over, and one shouldn't be alienated for feeling it. If his vulnerability scares you, he's not the right guy for you. Remember when he was making cutting remarks about being superior to you at work? How would that fit into SP's theory? Wasn't there a point in the relationship when he had the upper hand and you were the one feeling insecure and "not good enough"? Did some part of you like it better that way? It is almost like you tamed him and now you don't like the tame him. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137597/ Edited January 2, 2008 by Storyrider
Nemo Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Great post, shadowplay. I agree with johan for agreeing with you (but still hoping for a happy ending). And I agree with Storyrider, for putting the cherry on top.
johan Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Great post, shadowplay. I agree with johan for agreeing with you (but still hoping for a happy ending). And I agree with Storyrider, for putting the cherry on top. I agree, Nemo.
Florida Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I agree, Nemo. I agree with Johan agreeing with Shadow and cherpie and Nemo agreeing with Johan agreeing with Shadow alongside Storyrider and Cherpie.
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Wasn't there a point in the relationship when he had the upper hand and you were the one feeling insecure and "not good enough"? Did some part of you like it better that way? It is almost like you tamed him and now you don't like the tame him. Hahaha... (you people make me laugh, good point Story)
Storyrider Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'm enjoying this pyramid scheme of love, but where is Kamille????
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