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How do I get used to seeing my girlfriend twice a week?


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Posted

How do I get used to seeing my girlfriend twice a week? We've been dating only for 2 years.And now she wants to spend more time with me I'm not getting used to it yet.We spent 7 hours yesterday on new years and now we usually spend about 8-10 hours on Saturdays as well.And she wants to spend 3 hours sometime during the week and I have these anxiety attacks about it.We talked about breaking up but she doesn't want to.And I for one don't want throw everything down the drain what we've been through the past year.But I never had a relationship passed 2 years before either has she.She knows me so well she reads my mind majority of the time and it freaks me out because I never had a girlfriend that knew me so well.And she doesn't like me leaving either then I feel like I'm trapped. I had girlfriend a few years ago that abused me mentally and emotionally.I had to pay for everything and drive her everywhere.It's like I can't get out of this emotional rut that I'm having.I need some advice.

Posted

You need to be upfront and state your desires and needs to her. That is where to start. Her desires can't control you, if you set boundaries and communicate. You need to be able to say No in a healthy relationship.

Posted

Actually, I'd say she is entirely justified in wanting to spend more time with you after 2 years, and instead of you learning how to say "no", you really need to sit down and ask "can I give her the relationship she deserves?" If you can't see her twice a week, then that indicates you aren't really serious about her. If you are serious about her, see a therapist for anxiety, because she is asking very little of you. If you want this relationship to continue, this is a reasonable request that you should willingly comply to.

Posted

I agree with Oppath. Your girlfriends desires are not unreasonable at all. 2 Years is a significant amount of time to be dating with specific time limits.

Is there any way you can just go with the flow? It sounds like the time aspect is making you anxious and it really shouldn't be a big factor. How do you feel about her? If you love her, you may need to get used to more time together.

Posted

I also agree that your girlfriend is justified in spending more time with you (as far as more days in the week). On the other hand, why do you spend so many hours at a time together? I could see spending 2-4 hours at a time, but ALL day Saturday for 8-10 hours every week? That, to me, could be why you are feeling so anxious. You don't have breaks from the girl. You could tell her that you want to spend time with her more often (2-3 days a week), but in smaller time increments.

Posted

Hi good guy my boyfriend just recently told me he wants to back off of our relationship and see me a couple times a week. We have only been together for 5 months and then he broke up with me and then we just recently talked and he told me he could give me a couple days a week right now and that I would not be able to talk with him everyday. God this hurt me!! I am wondering if I should accept this or if it truly means he does not care and is keeping me on the side or what it means. He said he felt smothered by me. I love him a lot and I want to be with him but I do not want to be in something that is pointless either. Can you give me your insight?

 

Also I think your girlfriend does deserve more time. Why are you having the anxiety. Try to figure that out b/c you need to fix that regardless for yourself.

Posted

To the other posters, re-read his original post. He is terrified to spend time with her because he believes his last girlfriend abused him by asking him to do things he didn't want to do. What? How is that abuse? Just say no.

 

Ultimately, this is about him not being able to say no. He will never feel comfortable spending time with anyone until he can do that.

Posted

But in this case he should not be saying no, he should be saying "yes" or he should just end it with this girl because he can't meet her needs and can't deliver a "fair" relationship to her. If his past traumas are making him tell her no too often -- which it sounds like -- then he should go into therapy.

Posted
But in this case he should not be saying no, he should be saying "yes" or he should just end it with this girl because he can't meet her needs and can't deliver a "fair" relationship to her. If his past traumas are making him tell her no too often -- which it sounds like -- then he should go into therapy.

How do you know he's telling her no at all? I get the feeling he can't say no to her, and that is what is making him panic.

 

I'm not saying her request is unreasonable. I'm saying if he realizes he has a say in what happens, he might be better able to deal with her request. He seems to think she will overpower him and control him if he says yes.

Posted

Well, I can't imagine a girl dating a guy for two years and only being content seeing him on Saturday. I imagine he has told her "no" in efforts to spend more time together for quite a while. I can only assume this with no evidence but it's probably been coming to a head on her end for a while if she is suddenly demanding more time.

 

Regardless, if he has past wounds and feels panic, he needs to work that out in counseling.

Posted
Ultimately, this is about him not being able to say no. He will never feel comfortable spending time with anyone until he can do that.

Yes, you are right. Do they have such a thing as assertiveness training?

But in this case he should not be saying no

No. He can say no. There's nothing wrong with saying no. He should, of course, explain his reasoning. And his feelings. To her.

, he should be saying "yes" or he should just end it with this girl because he can't meet her needs and can't deliver a "fair" relationship to her.

I don't agree. The worst thing you can do is go around making decisions for other people. He is talking about setting boundaries, and it is up to her to accept them, negotiate them, or come to her own conclusions about whether their relationship has a future.

Posted

 

I don't agree. The worst thing you can do is go around making decisions for other people. He is talking about setting boundaries, and it is up to her to accept them, negotiate them, or come to her own conclusions about whether their relationship has a future.

 

He is not talking about setting boundaries. A boundary is not "step off. I only want to see you once a week. Don't even go there again." A boundary would be "sometimes I need some space to myself. When we spend 8 hours together at a time, is it ok if I go run an errand alone, or go running on my own when we are together?"

 

A boundary is a line, on which the other side is hurt and disrespect. It's completely irrational to feel panic over seeing your gf twice a week, and if that is how he feels, the dude needs therapy to get over his irrational fears. She is not crossing some line just because he feels anxious. And yes, if you can make decisions for others in these regards. If you know you will refuse to meet someone's wants and needs, and you aren't willing to do the work necessary to change that (in this case, therapy), and you don't feel you will be willing to do those things in the future...the only option is to end the relationship and say "I am unwilling to give you what you are asking and I am not likely to be willing in the future."

Posted
He is not talking about setting boundaries. A boundary is not "step off. I only want to see you once a week. Don't even go there again." A boundary would be "sometimes I need some space to myself. When we spend 8 hours together at a time, is it ok if I go run an errand alone, or go running on my own when we are together?"

 

A boundary is a line, on which the other side is hurt and disrespect. It's completely irrational to feel panic over seeing your gf twice a week, and if that is how he feels, the dude needs therapy to get over his irrational fears. She is not crossing some line just because he feels anxious. And yes, if you can make decisions for others in these regards. If you know you will refuse to meet someone's wants and needs, and you aren't willing to do the work necessary to change that (in this case, therapy), and you don't feel you will be willing to do those things in the future...the only option is to end the relationship and say "I am unwilling to give you what you are asking and I am not likely to be willing in the future."

 

Well, even if he went to therapy to get over his girlfriend aversion and in time resigned himself to seeing her three times a week, he would still need a tool to deal with the immediate problem when she wants to come over tomorrow and he can't deal with it, which would involve saying no.

 

I don't agree. The worst thing you can do is go around making decisions for other people. He is talking about setting boundaries, and it is up to her to accept them, negotiate them, or come to her own conclusions about whether their relationship has a future.

 

Yes. Negotiating is the key. If either one can't be happy, the relationship needs to change or end.

Posted
Well, even if he went to therapy to get over his girlfriend aversion and in time resigned himself to seeing her three times a week, he would still need a tool to deal with the immediate problem when she wants to come over tomorrow and he can't deal with it, which would involve saying no.

Exactly. He needs to communicate his needs. And they don't have to fall in line with the generic, cookie-cutter picture that everyone assumes is what makes something socially acceptable.

Posted
And they don't have to fall in line with the generic, cookie-cutter picture that everyone assumes is what makes something socially acceptable.

 

Really?! :cool:

Posted
Really?! :cool:

If you're happy, then I'm happy. :bunny: It's as simple as that.

Posted
If you're happy, then I'm happy. :bunny: It's as simple as that.

 

I think you just lost ground on setting boundaries...

Posted
I think you just lost ground on setting boundaries...

:lmao:

 

Well, I guess I was trying to say that nothing is unreasonable, if you both can agree to it. Making decisions for the other party is a recipe for disaster.

Posted
:lmao:

 

Well, I guess I was trying to say that nothing is unreasonable, if you both can agree to it. Making decisions for the other party is a recipe for disaster.

Right, and the entire tone of the OP's thread, including and especially the title, makes it clear he feels at the mercy of other people's needs and desires. Look at the sad face on his thread title. And he's asking, between the lines, how can I mould myself to her whims (even though it is making me feel sick).

Posted
Right, and the entire tone of the OP's thread, including and especially the title, makes it clear he feels at the mercy of other people's needs and desires. Look at the sad face on his thread title. And he's asking, between the lines, how can I mould myself to her whims (even though it is making me feel sick).

Yes, I think you nailed it.

  • Author
Posted (edited)
I also agree that your girlfriend is justified in spending more time with you (as far as more days in the week). On the other hand, why do you spend so many hours at a time together? I could see spending 2-4 hours at a time, but ALL day Saturday for 8-10 hours every week? That, to me, could be why you are feeling so anxious. You don't have breaks from the girl. You could tell her that you want to spend time with her more often (2-3 days a week), but in smaller time increments.

 

The only reason we spend all that time together is because she loves being with me and we have fun together.But I get all fidgety while i talk to her, when i get bored and while I listen to her gushy music and when I leave she says something like I don't want you to leave but I say that I have to, it's not like we're engaged. It's not fair to me because sometimes she does get a little controlling when she doesn't want me to leave, but when I get in my car she's fine. What the heck what I'm supposed to do when she does that and being a little selfish.She tells me I know it's been two years but I don't think I'll ever get used of you leaving.And I'm like I just don't feel comfortable when she she says that to me.I can't stay overnight because it is a temptation.Then i tell her i want to leave at a certain time like 11:00 and she says to me whats up with the time constraint and I'm like well I have to leave eventually.I mean come on give me a break.When I say leave at 11 then it doesn't always go that way.And shes like whats difference that you leave at 11 or 11:30.

Edited by goodguy15
Posted
We talked about breaking up but she doesn't want to.

 

So, does that mean that YOU would prefer to break up (but you just don't want to hurt her feelings)?

Posted

Your behavior and needs are not normal. Your gf isn't being selfish -- you are. I agree with Oppath that you need therapy to work out your intimacy issues.

Posted

I might be the only one here but I don't see the big deal here and I feel you are overreacting.

As far as there being a group of 10 other people going, it sounds like they were already 'in' the group and your girlfriend was invited, too, and it wasn't a "invite whoever you want" type thing, it was already set who was going, no room for you, whatever type thing, there just wasn't a plan for you to be invited and it wasn't your girlfriend's place to invite you when she was lucky enough to be invited along with this other group.

As far as dogs going with your girlfriend, who cares? Dogs are not people, they take up less space, it might be the type of trip that dogs would enjoy (beach? hiking?) Just because there was opportunity to fit dogs into the vehicle doesn't mean that there was still room for you.

Don't worry about this, plan your own trip, sounds like you need to get a life.

Posted

How old are you, OP?

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