Dontunderstand Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 (edited) Hi Guys,I don’t know who to turn to so I'm praying that you guys can help me out! I'm 27 and my boyfriend is 30. We have been together for about 2 years. We have been up down and just about all around. We have been fighting alot about little things that mean nothing. He thinks that I smother him by calling, texting, emailing but I only get to see him one a week due to him working in nyc and by the time he gets home during the week he is too tired to do anything that kills me! We fought about that a lot. I just couldn’t understand that he can go out on a business dinner with clients and never see me during the week. I still don’t think it was fair. However those little things built up and sure enough on Thursday night we got into a HUGE fight via phone! We both said things that hurt making of what we gave each other for xmas, but I especially hit below the belt when I made fun of his mother. He told me that he needed time to think and to cool off as did I, so we went out without each other he went with the guys and I went out with the girls. I tried to go with no contact Fri, Sat, Sun but it was hard and I couldn’t do it. I ended up getting a little buzzed and texting and calling him. I hate it when we fight and it broke my heart I love this man more then anything in the world and I cant picture my life without him We talked last night in circles and he wants to hangout with the guys for New Years Eve rather then me. I am heart broken over this and don’t know what to say or do. I kept thinking when he told me about his past g/f and how he spent new years eve with her and I don’t understand why cant he spend one last night with me!?!? I don’t know what to do I didn’t get any sleep last night I ended up trying to call him in the middle of the night (dumb idea I know). I just don’t know what to do…..PLEASE HELP FAST!!!! Edited December 31, 2007 by Dontunderstand
sedgwick Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 You said some really hurtful things to him. You must back off and give him a chance to get over it. I know it sucks when it feels like they don't want to spend time with you, but ultimately all you can do is give them space and see if they come back.
Author Dontunderstand Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 You said some really hurtful things to him. You must back off and give him a chance to get over it. I know it sucks when it feels like they don't want to spend time with you, but ultimately all you can do is give them space and see if they come back. I was looking forward to spending New Years Eve with him, we have plans and all but what I'm mostly looking forward to a brand new year ahead with him! I wanted us to help live the way we should, I wanted us to give each other wisdom, strength and courage. I wanted us to lend our shoulder if we need it. The year ahead is empty I wanted to fill it with good things each new day with joy and leave the fighting in the past.....why doesnt he get that?? I don’t want to toss everything away why did he!!!???
s_n_d Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 Give it time. I think he feels really hurt at the moment. And sometimes a night with the guys helps get his mind off things. Trust me. My ex had tons of nights out with the guys right after we broke up and he even told me it takes his mind off every problem that exists in his life. And even though it was new years eve, I think you should give him a little space and then possibly talk it out and tell him exactly how your feeling and why you said what you said..
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 1, 2008 Author Posted January 1, 2008 Happy New Year All, All I have to say is that last night I went out without him, it was the hardest thing I had to do! I walked in the lounge went to the bar started to do shots and drink. It was getting pretty packed so we moved to another bar area and turned looked up and I saw one of his friends then he turned and I was speechless. It was the weirdest thing he told me that I looked miserable I stated that I was without him. I then started to walk away and he grabed my arm and asked me to stay. I ended up hangout the whole night and sleeping over. Now what?
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 Thanks...I'm doing to try and talk to him....but its so hard he hates talking on the phone and I'm scared to ask him to hangout this weekend...
s_n_d Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Yeah i understand what thats like. Having a bf who doesnt like using the phone.. Uhmmm I guess all you can do now is ask him to hangout with you sometime..
Davey McG Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Be prepared for the worst, even if nothing happened. He's going to be pretty annoyed that you spent the night at another guy's either way and if nothing happened he's going to have a tough time believing you unless the guy friend is really close to him.
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 Be prepared for the worst, even if nothing happened. He's going to be pretty annoyed that you spent the night at another guy's either way and if nothing happened he's going to have a tough time believing you unless the guy friend is really close to him. Nothing did happen!! I went to dinner with another man while my b/f was away with his family. Him and I where fighting and I wasnt sure how I felt about him....when I was with the other guy I felt that my heart did belong to him and I know I should of told him sooner but I knew it would break his heart and I didnt want that! What can I do to help him get over this.... I talked with him last night and he just asked me to give him some space but he still wants to be with me. I feel so isolated from him now! I always sent him a good morning text in the morning anymore now I dont, we used to call or email each other during the day at work to see hows our day is going now I don’t hear from him, and only talking to him for short time every night on the phone. I’m scared it’s going to push us away from each other. I miss him...and I'm trying to do what he wants me too but I feel incomplete. I HATE feeling like this, I know he is upset, hurt, and angry and I understand. However, I’m starting to get those feelings towards him because he isn’t himself around me. I don’t know what to do….HELP
Davey McG Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 It's in your favor that nothing happened, sorry I said "if", but its hard to read between the lines on a message board (and there weren't any to read in between this time!). The fact that he said he wants space but still wants to be with you is pretty positive. Take it at face value and relax. He wants space, probably because he's emotionally exhausted by everything that's been going on and he has said that he feels smothered. The best thing you could do is give him the space that he wants and he'll be grateful for it it. If you push the issue he'll feel suffocated or smothered and THAT is more likely to end up pushing you apart than giving him a little bit of quiet time. Use the time to do something constructive or entertaining. Take a class, go swimming or to the gym, hang around with other friends. Things will probably improve over the next few days when he see's that your capable of giving him the space he wants. I know you miss him, but he'll be grateful and it will likely all blow over if you let it be for a few days.
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 It's in your favor that nothing happened, sorry I said "if", but its hard to read between the lines on a message board (and there weren't any to read in between this time!). The fact that he said he wants space but still wants to be with you is pretty positive. Take it at face value and relax. He wants space, probably because he's emotionally exhausted by everything that's been going on and he has said that he feels smothered. The best thing you could do is give him the space that he wants and he'll be grateful for it it. If you push the issue he'll feel suffocated or smothered and THAT is more likely to end up pushing you apart than giving him a little bit of quiet time. Use the time to do something constructive or entertaining. Take a class, go swimming or to the gym, hang around with other friends. Things will probably improve over the next few days when he see's that your capable of giving him the space he wants. I know you miss him, but he'll be grateful and it will likely all blow over if you let it be for a few days. I sure hope you are right! Yes he did say he felt he was being smothered I'm just scared that not contacting him is going to push us away from each other... This sucks I want to email or call him to see hows his day going but I guess that wouldnt be a bad idea????? Thank for your help I really dont have anyone to turn too
Davey McG Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I hope the giving him space thing is working. Let us know how you get along. Don't worry about a short time apart making him forget you - absence makes the heart grow stronger!
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I hope the giving him space thing is working. Let us know how you get along. Don't worry about a short time apart making him forget you - absence makes the heart grow stronger! Its over...I talked to him last night and he told me that he will never be able to trust me, I just dont understand....I didnt sleep with his guy all I did was go out for a drink if the shoe was on the other foot I would forgive him......This sucks.....I wish there was something I can do... Any ideas?
Davey McG Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Ouch. I'm sorry that this has happened. I wish I had some better advice for you, but from a man's perspective I can see why he feels he can't trust you. I know if my fiance ever did that with a man I would have serious doubts about her and would be questionning the motivation and the thinking behind it. Actually, I would probably react in the same way he did because I wouldn't want the question of what actually happened to be bouncing around in my head for the rest of our relationship. I imagine your man also has doubts about what happened and is questioning the reliability of someone who might go and spend the night at another man's house after an argument. He might be thinking "right, we had an argument and she runs into the arms of another man - forget that!" I'm not trying to be cruel, but just explain how he MIGHT be thinking (I don't know the guy) and his logic behind it. What can you do? I would give him all the space he needs. Don't chase him or try to contact him and let him deal with what he has to in his own head. Also use the time to think for yourself. Do you actually want to be with this guy? Really think about that.
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 Thanks and I see your point, but I told him what actually happened just a drink at the bar I even ran into so other friends that night I must have been there for 30mins if that!! I dont understand why anything else would be bouncing around in his head!! I would never run into another mans arms after a fight!! He has to know that!! I dont think we need to breakup because of it do you? If he needs space to think fine I'll give him space but to break up with each over that its just crazy.
Davey McG Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I'm sorry you're going through all this. From an outside perspective things can look very different. He may understand what happened very differently to you - Earlier in the thread I thought something might have happened. He might not know that you wouldn't run into another man's arms after a fight - this type of thing happens quite a lot in relationships. He might feel that you did it in reaction to not being able to see him - kind of a way of punishing him, maybe. I don't think you should break up over it - it is crazy but if the shoe was on the other foot, if he'd been upset with you and spent the night at another woman's house - how would you feel? You'd already been having problems too. I think you'd have doubts no matter how consistently faithful he'd been in the past. Someone told me that it takes years to build up trust but only a minute of doubt to destroy it. Give him space and hopefully he'll listen to you, but you do need to give him that space to think and work things out for himself. Hang in there and good luck!
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 I see your point I really do...but thats the thing I DIDNT spend the night at another mans house, I went to a bar for a drink...nothing more nothing less... it was harmless I had no intentions to cheat! I'm gullible, I called one of my girlfriends to hangout and she told me to meet up with his guy I didnt want tooo I said no 12984912738172893471829379182 times!!!! Then she somehow talked me into it told me it was harless told me that my b/f is on a cruise living it up and I started to believe her...I wish it never happened I'm so dumb I should of known better!
Davey McG Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Oh...my bad! Sorry I got the impression you did, when you said "I ended up hangout the whole night and sleeping over." earlier in the thread that it was at his house. If you didn't then there is less to worry about and he'll probably be pissed off for a less time! Still, he's probably annoyed at what looks like a date with someone else, but at least this is easier to recover from ...with time. Don't punish yourself too much. We all make mistakes and hopefully he'll see that in time. Its out of your control now, so just go with it and see what happens. But you've got less to worry about than I thought! This friend you mentioned... does she not like your boyfriend?
Author Dontunderstand Posted January 4, 2008 Author Posted January 4, 2008 My Friend doesnt know my b/f however she knows his friends and hates him because she hates his friends. I didnt think anything of that til after the effect. I just dont think people are mean to do something like that... I dont know!! I forget about that maybe I am dumb!! As for "I ended up hangout the whole night and sleeping over" that was new years eve...I ran into my b/f at the bar and spent the night with him. I wanted to make it great in 08, but he cant get over this... and doesnt trust me anymore... I sent him a text this morning he told me he would call me at noon ... I scared to find out what is going to happen... all I know is that I need a real outcome and real closure if he wants alone time to get his bearings I'm fine with that, but if he wants space I know I will never get him back...This is so hard and it sucks...
Davey McG Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Wanting space doesn't mean you'll never get him back! Good luck with your phone call - I hope it works out for you.
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