wukka Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Not sure how to begin this discussion because I feel my situation is unique, yet I’m sure that there have been other posts relate to this. I have been faithfully married for over 8 years. We dated 2 years prior to getting married. To be totally honest, there were some intimacy issues that came up on occasion when we were dating that I didn’t think were all that big, and she said that she would “work on them.” I trusted her word, and there were other times that more than made up for the issues that told me that she was my life partner. Fast forward 1 year after marriage and the introduction of a loving, perfect daughter. I could not be more proud and supportive of my little girl – she is perfect in every way.... Well, maybe she passes gas a little more than I’d like! But she knows everything, including good manners, and excuses herself like a good girl. She’s smart, pretty, and means the world to me. On the other hand, over 7 years my wife has grown farther and farther away from me emotionally and intimately. It is like all of the love pours into our little girl, and there is none left for me. I don’t want to suggest that we reduce the supportive structure for our only child, but I sure would like to see a little more love come my way. The intimacy issues.... When we were dating there were times that my current wife DID NOT want to be touched, stroked, carressed, or have sex. I’d love to say that it was associated with “that time of the month” but the truth is it was more of a random nature. We broke up while dating for a period of time, and she convinced me that she would correct those intimacy issues. That problem was truly intermittent, and I didn’t think that it was problematic as far as the “big picture” was concerned. Again, fast-forward to present-day and I am convinced that those issues have gotten worse – not better. All of the love pours into our girl. We have not been intimate in months. The last time we WERE intimate, she was not in he mood and wanted to “get it over” so she could get to sleep. There was no kissing, no holding, no carressing. It was not an emotionally or physically satisfying experience for either of us. Whenever I reach out to her to express my love, it is either treated with flat-out rejection or mockery. I hug her, and she does NOT hug back. It’s like being married to a lump of coal (Merry Christmas!). I’ve asked her repeatedly to be more attentive and warm to our relationship, but the words have obviously not been heard. I don’t think that this is an issue of her cheating on me. But at the same time, I don’t think that there is love between us. We are here to support our child, and nothing else. While I want our girl to continue to be happy, I am dying inside and feel like there should be more to my life than what I am currently enduring right now. I want to be a part of a loving, fulfilling relationship with my daughter AND my wife. I don’t think that they are mutually exclusive. Any words of advice or support for one that really has no one to turn to or talk to?
Zolie Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Oh man, wukka, can I ever relate to you. Only reverse the genders. I am a female and my husband never wanted sex or much intimacy with me, either. And like you, those issues started *before* the wedding! Like the young naive fool I was, I assumed the problem would stop once the stress of the wedding was over. 25 years later I left him after enduring 25 years of his lack of sex drive. Year after year after year I thought it would get better. I would cry, plead, threaten to leave, beg for counseling, etc, and he would promise to "do better". But, he never did. I never understood the reasons why (although I now suspect he may have bisexual tendencies, but that is a whole 'nother thread) Regarding your wife's lack of affection towards you (hugs, etc), she may be withholding that because she may think you will want to turn any show of affection from her into sex. It sounds like she really does not like sex, for whatever reason. She either has residual issues that started before you, or she does not enjoy sex with you (maybe does not climax) and therefore does not want to go through all the trouble and 'mess' of sex. She needs therapy. At the very least, she needs to understand that you not only deserve affection, but also sex, and that if you don't get it, you WILL stray. I don't mean you should threaten that to her, I just mean she needs to understand it will happen if she continues in this vein. I have heard and read folks who say it is their body and they shouldn't have to share it with their spouse if they are not in the mood. And that is true - to an extent. But, months of months (and years and years) of rejection WILL destroy a marriage. And it is NOT fair to the partner who is being rejected over and over. All I can to you at this point, is that the situation is not likely to get any better. I hate to say it, but in my experience (my own, and others whom I have talked to over the years) it will never get better. If the issues were there at the beginning of the marriage, they will be there at the end of the marriage. I'm sorry.
bish Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 wukka, I'm not saying this is the case, but have you considered that maybe she is messing around? Is she ever gone from the home long enough to have an affair? Reason I say this is that, with the exception of just plain old lost interest in affection and sex, all you have described are classic signs of cheating. Not saying that she is, but it could be a possibility. Does she have the opportunity and is gone quite a bit?
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 Have you told her how it makes you feel when she rejects you on every level? Tell her exactly what you've said in your post. Let her know how it kills you inside, that you feel unloved, rejected by her and don't want your marriage to end, that if she doesn't start putting in effort, the marriage will end eventually because you two will grow so far apart. As husband and wife, you two HAVE to bond, make special time for eachother, not only as lovers, but as intimate partners on an emotional level. Get a sitter and go out to dinner. Romance eachother like you first did while dating. Have fun, enjoy eachothers company, laugh and be silly. Seems she is stuck in mommy mode 24/7. Now, on another note, is she depressed? How old is your daughter? Has your wife had full physical recently? I mean all this could be hormone related, or she has some other medical condition, thyroid, ovarian cyst that is affecting her sexually, let alone making her unhappy. Talk to her, and really listen to eachother too. This isn't just about sex, it's about intimacy and feeling love from your spouse. Be honest, speak from your heart. This doesn't have to turn into a heated argument, though I think she needs to know how much she is hurting you and making you feel unloved, uncared for.
Tomcat33 Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 (edited) Wukka - I think your W is neither depressed or going though hardships or consummed by the job of being mother, your W simply has issues with sex. Life's hardships are decoys used as excuse by people like this. You knew this before you married her and she promised to work on it and you went on to marry her anyway and it got worse with time. In fact most women like this will truly let themselves go after marriage because they have entrapped you now and they feel safe. Have you asked her why this has been happening for so long? what is her reason behind not wanting sex? Does she have self esteem issues or has she gained a lot of weight, women who feel ugly don't feel sexual no matter how much you reassure them. Also how did you transition from your break-up to her promising she would work on it to marrying her, she must have improved during that period or else you would not have married her, correct? Or did you overlook it and say to yourself "I do love her, let's get married and hope for the best in our future?" I think this is a betrayal and you should not take this sitting down, you are enprisoned by a person who is not meeting her marital duties to you, and NO one deserves that. One last thing, how has your emotional relationship been..not now since now it is a chicken and egg thing she porb withholds more because she want's less sex, you pull away emotionally because you are sexless and frustrated and feeling rejected and that feeds in more into her wanting even LESS sex with you... But how was it before you were married, emotionally speaking? Edited January 1, 2008 by Tomcat33
michaelk Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 My W never had a very high sex drive for most of our marriage. Once we had kids, it went to nothing. As you describe, she put 110% into the children and there was no time or energy left for being intimate with me! It turns out that in her case she had a real problem letting go and allowing herself to enjoy sex. Once that was fixed, things got soooo much better! I would strongly suggest that your wife seek sex therapy, or at least some form of counseling so she can explore these issues. But first, you're going to have to get her to understand just how important this is. Your marriage is at risk, and no matter how good a husband and father you are, there is only so much neglect someone can take. You need to let her know in no uncertain terms that you want to work on this, but if she won't join you you aren't willing to live like roommates forever. And as Tomcat points out, there is an emotional component to this, too. Physical and emotional intimacy are linked, and if you two have never enjoyed physical intimacy together, I wonder if she's emotionally unavailable to you as well. And I don't mean now, because clearly she's distant from you today, but what about the past? Wukka - I think your W is neither depressed or going though hardships or consummed by the job of being mother, your W simply has issues with sex. Life's hardships are decoys used as excuse by people like this. You knew this before you married her and she promised to work on it and you went on to marry her anyway and it got worse with time. In fact most women like this will truly let themselves go after marriage because they have entrapped you now and they feel safe. Have you asked her why this has been happening for so long? what is her reason behind not wanting sex? Does she have self esteem issues or has she gained a lot of weight, women who feel ugly don't feel sexual no matter how much you reassure them. Also how did you transition from your break-up to her promising she would work on it to marrying her, she must have improved during that period or else you would not have married her, correct? Or did you overlook it and say to yourself "I do love her, let's get married and hope for the best in our future?" I think this is a betrayal and you should not take this sitting down, you are enprisoned by a person who is not meeting her marital duties to you, and NO one deserves that. One last thing, how has your emotional relationship been..not now since now it is a chicken and egg thing she porb withholds more because she want's less sex, you pull away emotionally because you are sexless and frustrated and feeling rejected and that feeds in more into her wanting even LESS sex with you... But how was it before you were married, emotionally speaking? Tomcat: Tried to PM you but the system says you're not accepting messages. Just in case some setting got f***ed up in the server crash, I thought I'd let you know!
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