shadowplay Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 This is a long post, but I didn't want to leave out anything that might be important. Something feels really wrong all of a sudden. This time I don't think it's anything I did. I need a little perspective from you guys. On Friday night my boyfriend mentioned offhand this girl he had a crush on three years ago. I asked him what happened with her and he said that they had a summer fling, then she went away for a semester and rejected him when she returned. He said he became obsessed/infatuated with her, and kind of put her on a pedestal. He said he has no feelings for her anymore and vowed to himself that he would never "pine" again for a girl. He said he barely knew her and filled in the gaps of what she was to create an ideal person. He said he wasn't in love with her. Then I asked him if he was in love with me, and he said "I think so." This really got to me. He's been telling me for months that he loves me "a lot"/"so much." He's even said this is the first time he's been in love. So why the uncertainty? He said he's 99.9% sure, but the slight doubt stems from his inexperience when it comes to recognizing what love feels like. Also, he said he's more inclined to believe he's falling in love rather than in love because his feelings may not have reached their "final destination." He said he thinks love is kind of like a ladder, and he believes he's at the first level. I asked him if his feelings for me are still growing, and he said they are but not as fast as they were at the beginning which is natural. He's also said that he's more deeply in love with me than with any other girl he's ever been with. With his last girlfriend he was never in love with her. He said he was always on the border between "liking" and "loving." That his feelings for her started out strong but never grew past a certain point. He says his feelings for me are much stronger and I'm way past the line between liking and loving, but I worry that his feelings for me will plateau as well. Maybe he's just incapable of being completely in love? I can't help but wonder if he put me on a pedestal the way he did this other girl he had a crush on, his certainty about being "in love" with me would be greater. He said that was just infatuation and obsession with someone he barely knew, not love, but doesn't the feeling of being in love require a degree of infatuation and admiration? Apparently he had a crush on me for awhile before we started dating but it was more of a "quiet crush," because his never-pine-again vow kept his feelings at bay. What does this all mean? It seems that he keeps contradicting or second guessing himself. Love is the kind of thing you should be certain about, right? If he even has a shadow of a doubt does he really love me? Perhaps it's partly that he's a super rational person, so he tends to quibble over semantics. It often seems that his emotional and rational sides are at war. The whole discussion hurt me immensely, especially since this is exactly the kind of thing I'm insecure about. When he realized how hurt I was he said emphatically "Well, I AM in love with you" several times but it was hard for me to accept. I lost his trust. Somehow I felt misled. I'm sorry we even had this discussion, because I suspect it damaged our relationship or cemented his doubts. It's like I watered the seed of doubt in his head by questioning his feelings for me. I've noticed this with people. If you doubt them enough they begin to doubt themselves. On Saturday he kind of acted like a jerk to me. I woke up a bit late at his friend's house where we crashed the night before, and when I came downstairs he was playing a football video game with his friend. I sat there with nothing to do while he continued to play for an hour and a half, barely even acknowledging me or asking if I wanted to join in. He knows how much I hate watching other people play video games. I asked him if he wanted to go out that night and do something (concert, play, whatever). He said we could go out after dinner was done (his friend's mother was cooking). We ate dinner as he continued to play the game. When he was done he went outside with his friend to smoke a cigarette for fifteen minutes (didn't tell me he was going). Then he came back in and declared that he wanted to watch the football game that night. Earlier in the evening he had said he was mildly interested in the game but not super interested (he's not into sports and almost never watches football), and we could go out and do something instead if that was my preference. Ordinarily it wouldn't have been a big deal but I was a bit pissed off after he had led me to believe we would do something else that evening. I asked him to take me home so he could watch the game with his friend. He convinced me to stay because he wouldn't have enough time to take me home before the game started. I begrudgingly agreed to stay but asked if we could go out and do something after it was over. He said that was fine. About halfway into the game his friend switched the tv back to the football video game. We all sat there watching this play virtual football by himself. Actually just practicing throwing a virtual football on an empty field over and over. After about twenty minutes of this I asked my bf if he could take me home. He said ok and we got ready to go. Then he asked me if we could just stay because there was only another hour left in the game. Again I begrudgingly agreed. After the game was finally over we got ready to go. On the way out my boyfriend asked his friend if he wanted to play a game of Castle Risk with a few of his other friends. This is yet another activity I would have to watch from the sidelines because I don't know how to play Castle Risk. He also didn't even ask me if it was okay for him to forgo our plans for a game with his friends. The thing I don't understand is he sees his friends all the time. He hangs out with them at least 4-5 times a week. Also I let him do what he wants to do (movie, whatever) at least half the time when we're together. It's not like I'm always calling the shots. Luckily his friend wasn't up for a game. At around midnight we drove his dad home. The drive took about half an hour. He and his dad sat in the front while I sat in the back. The whole way he and his dad talked sports and made absolutely no attempt to include me in the conversation. In fact my boyfriend didn't acknowledge me or say a single word to me the whole time. I started to get the strange sensation that I was invisible, which I sometimes do when my self esteem is at its lowest. By the time we got to his parents' place it was too late to do anything so we just decided to crash there. I was acting a little distant, and he asked me if I was angry at him. Then I said I felt like he had been ignoring me all evening. He thought about it and agreed that he had. He said he felt like a jerk, and he wasn't sure why he had acted this way. He said he wondered if he was being passive agressive, but he wasn't sure what the reason for his behavior was. I asked him if he was feeling distant from me that day and he said "a bit more than usual." I told him that I was still hurt by what he had said the night before. He said the same things -- that he WAS in love with me and there wasn't really any difference to him between "being in love" and "thinking you're in love." Nevertheless I noticed that he was less emphatic this time about reassuring me of his love -- as if he was starting to question it himself. A very subtle difference, but a noticeable one nonetheless. I asked him if he felt close to me in general. He said "yeah, I think." Again, the noticeable shadow of doubt. I asked him if he was as close to me as anyone in his life and he said he thought he was the closest to me. But then he was holding me at one point and said in a vulnerable voice "I want so much to be close to you." What's that about? I didn't question him, but why say "want?" He kept bringing up the way he acted toward me yesterday as though he felt really disturbed by it. He said he doesn't understand why he would do that since we have such a beautiful relationship and he's felt deeper in love with me than any other girl he's been with. I don't understand what's going on. I was worried that something like this would happen when we stopped being long distance (which started this week since he moved back to the same city as me). I'm worried that he will get bored of me. But it's not like we spend every night together (3-4 days a week at most). He has plenty of free time to do his own thing. Honestly, guys, I'm hurting so much right now that I feel tempted to break things off. Maybe I'm overreacting but somehow I don't feel comfortable or safe around him after he said the "think" thing. I just don't feel the same now. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him (I love him so much), but I don't want to be in constant discomfort either. What's going on? Am I totally overreacting? We've been together about six months, official for 4 1/2, for the record.
Author shadowplay Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 Do you guys think I've already done too much damage by asking him for reassurance about his feelings? Or did I have legitmate reason to ask? Here's a kind of pattern I've fallen prey to. I'll do something impulsive out of insecurity (grill him about something/ask for reassurance). Then I'll regret it and resolve not to do it again. But then part of me thinks "what's the point in trying?" I've done permanent damage and it's too late already. I have this impulse to give up now. I feel like I've damaged something that was once beautiful and it will never be the same.
Author shadowplay Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 Same sh*t, different week. I think I had more justification for being upset this time.
Jilly Bean Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I am sure you did, hon. And I mean this in the gentlest of ways possible, I truly do, as I think you are a very sweet girl and you are really struggling in your life, and I hate to see that with certain people - you would be one of them. But, it is like you are the girl who cried wolf with the weekly love drama, and it is always the same thing, and the same reactions, and the same thoughts and the same worries. It just doesn't change. I know you *think* this is a different situation and somehow more justifiable, but you were in the exact same boat a week ago. It's just more high drama that doesn't end with any behavior modification. I would just love to see you be able to get off the hamster wheel you have put yourself on, because it's hard to watch you do this over and over again. I SINCERELY wish you peace and healing. Bright blessings...
spookie Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Ohhhhh shadow. STOP. Once again, you have these expectations for emotional intimacy in your head, and unless your boyfriend follows the script (that he can't see) you're disappointed. You DON'T have reason to be upset. So instead of catering to your needs, he wanted to chill out with his friends instead. So Fvkcing what? I didn't realize this either when I was in that relationship with that ex, but the most important thing in an R is being able to be yourself without constantly "hurting" your partner. You get hurt too easily. Not only is this unhealthy for you, but it's gotta be taking a toll on your poor bf. Just stop. You gotta be able to let things go/slide. And regarding feeelings... love is different thigns to different people and it's so unfair to interrogate your bf regarding his feelings like that. You have insecurities, but it ins't his job to appease them 24/7. And again, you're bringing in ex/ comparing past s!ht to present. That's what everyone told you NOT TO DO in your past thread. Do you see how frustrating this is?
spookie Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 What, exactly, do you want from him? Oh wait, I know what you want. You want him, on a continual basis, to convince you that he would swim across an ocean to be with you. In a relationship, though, you don't get to keep testing your partner to see how far he'll go for you. Cause with each subsequent test, the distance shrinks. Stop being a pain in the @$$ and enjoy this relationship for what it is. If you're incapable of enjoying it (because of YOUR issues btw, not anything your bf's doing wrong) then break up and get more intensive therapy. I don't mean to be harsh. I see a lot of myself circa 2 years ago in you. And I want you to be happier. It's just frustrating to read the same s!ht over and over again. It takes 2 pages of replies to convince you you were wrong, but it seems 3 days later you forget what the lessons were and the whole drama starts again.
Author shadowplay Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 (edited) Well, in regards to both of your posts part of my problem is I lack judgment in the moment. It's only afterwards that I gain some perspective. For example, I never know whether to trust my own instinct. How do I know whether I'm just being insecure about something or I have a legitimate concern? I'm sorry that my posts are frustrating to read. For awhile I managed to keep my insecurities from leaking into the relationship, but now they've finally broken through and I can't contain them. I feel like I'm watching a train crash. I don't know how to take control. Edited December 31, 2007 by shadowplay
spookie Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Well, in regards to both of your posts part of my problem is I lack judgment in the moment. It's only afterwards that I gain some perspective. For example, I never know whether to trust my own instinct. How do I know whether I'm just being insecure about something or I have a legitimate concern? I'm sorry that my posts are frustrating to read. Make a list of unacceptable behavior. IMO to be happy the list is best kept short; only non-negotiables. Everything else, as long as you still love him, LET GO. You'll be amazed at how much happier you are once you're not trying to catch your bf "mistreating" you. It's tough always being the victim. Example of a list: 1. Cheating 2. Lying 3. Overly-controlling behaivior 4. Physical/ verbal abuse 5. Consistently actively putting another female's feelings before yours (and no, choosing to watch a football game with his friends while you're there instead of doing "something else" that you might have liked better does not count. If he violates something on your list, you know you have a problem. If he doesn't, it's not his fault you're unhappy, so leave him out of it.
Author shadowplay Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 Make a list of unacceptable behavior. IMO to be happy the list is best kept short; only non-negotiables. Everything else, as long as you still love him, LET GO. You'll be amazed at how much happier you are once you're not trying to catch your bf "mistreating" you. It's tough always being the victim. Example of a list: 1. Cheating 2. Lying 3. Overly-controlling behaivior 4. Physical/ verbal abuse 5. Consistently actively putting another female's feelings before yours (and no, choosing to watch a football game with his friends while you're there instead of doing "something else" that you might have liked better does not count. If he violates something on your list, you know you have a problem. If he doesn't, it's not his fault you're unhappy, so leave him out of it. What if somebody is distant to you? Suddenly stops being affectionate, ignores you, calls less? I know my boyfriend hasn't done this yet, but it's what I'm afraid of. Don't you think at a certain point such behavior would become a problem? I think my problem is I'm overly sensitive to distance and pounce on the slightest traces of it that I detect in his behavior. But there is a level of distance that would be unacceptable, imo. He did later admit he was feeling passive aggressive and distant from me on Saturday, so I wasn't totally off the mark.
Florida Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I do think he is feeling exhausted and maybe wondering if it will always be like this. I don't think people really fall in love with eachother until a year or so. And maybe your feelings are ahead of his-okay-and I believe his will catch up. Or maybe you just think your feelings are ahead of his. But trying to force the words and scenarios through interrogation is exhausting. Sorry-I sound like I am speaking at you, but how can you chill out a bit and kick back and just enjoy time with him? A female is the creator and leader of emotions i the relationship. YOU create the mood, he will follow that mood. It's a little known secret, but it's true. Maybe when you get angsty, think of that time in the attic rubbing noses. Or maybe ask him for cuddle time for a set time, and tell him you feel needy. But don't interrogate. Sometimes when I feel like that it's because of some thought, or something I read (even on LS) and it kicks off my insecurities. You could say "you know-I was thinking of how you plateaued with your ex, and sometimes worry you will with me" and let him respond-then leave it. And cuddle too.
Florida Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 What if somebody is distant to you? Suddenly stops being affectionate, ignores you, calls less? I know my boyfriend hasn't done this yet, but it's what I'm afraid of. Don't you think at a certain point such behavior would become a problem? I think my problem is I'm overly sensitive to distance and pounce on the slightest traces of it that I detect in his behavior. But there is a level of distance that would be unacceptable, imo. He did later admit he was feeling passive aggressive and distant from me on Saturday, so I wasn't totally off the mark. Why are you preparing yourself for something that hasn't happened? Yet by being so on guard, it may end up happening through your actions of trying to make sure it doesn't happen. Picture getting dumped, him being distant, or any worst case scenarios. You woulkd get through it. Then be relieved *it's not actually happening* so you don't have to prepare for it. Preparing for it, looking for signs, does not make it any less hurtful, there is no such thing as being prepared for heart break. So you could just let yourself enjoy a good thing to nurture you and not look for signs. Sorry-I'm talking at you again with trite answers, I just want to say *Shadow-it's okay!* he loves you, you love him.
spookie Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 What if somebody is distant to you? Suddenly stops being affectionate, ignores you, calls less? I know my boyfriend hasn't done this yet, but it's what I'm afraid of. Don't you think at a certain point such behavior would become a problem? I think my problem is I'm overly sensitive to distance and pounce on the slightest traces of it that I detect in his behavior. But there is a level of distance that would be unacceptable, imo. He did later admit he was feeling passive aggressive and distant from me on Saturday, so I wasn't totally off the mark. You may not have been off the mark, but what is hounding him about getting closer to you going to accomplish? Guys respond to that (as well as to "hurtness") by withdrawing even more. So, though I am sure he WAS distant to you, you accomplish NOTHING by stressing about it. Once he starts ignoring you for real, you'll have a problem, and you can tackle it then. For real = actually doesn't pick up your calls, refuses to see you. You're nowhere close to that point yet (though if you keep it up, I've no doubt it'll come). Your partner is allowed to be more close / distant depending on what's going on in his head. You might be in a relationship, but you're not conjoined at the head; that's too much to ask for. He's allowed some distance. And I promise, if you give it to him on occasion, especially on the occasion that you're actually together, he'll appreciate it and it'll just bring him closer.
Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 What, exactly, do you want from him? Oh wait, I know what you want. You want him, on a continual basis, to convince you that he would swim across an ocean to be with you. This is so true, and g'damn it, I can soooo relate to that feeling, Shadow. Luckily, I have never asked BF for reassurances the way you do, I just look for them, search for them...and find myself just as miserable as you do when he doesn't respond in the script-life method that I would have him do if I had written the words myself. What if somebody is distant to you? Suddenly stops being affectionate, ignores you, calls less? I know my boyfriend hasn't done this yet, but it's what I'm afraid of. He hasn't done it yet, hasn't even come close. A million different things in life could happen, Shadow. Why are you worrying so much and expecting this relationship to fall apart? I do think he is feeling exhausted and maybe wondering if it will always be like this. I think that's probably what your BF is feeling. I often worry my BF is going through the same thing, that I am somehow exhausting him...that's when I have to pull back and be "breezy."
Ariadne Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Oh, What's going on? Am I totally overreacting? I tell you what I think is going on. The guy got sick of the sex. I mean, how much pudding can you eat before you get tired of it? Yeah, it was fun for a while and worth the trip.. But since there was never a deep emotional bonding there besides wishful thinking and fantasies. The guy started to resent all the drama that is going on and the sht he has to eat for being there. But, is no problem anyway. I don't think SP loves that guy either, Ariadne
Author shadowplay Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 (edited) This is so true, and g'damn it, I can soooo relate to that feeling, Shadow. Luckily, I have never asked BF for reassurances the way you do, I just look for them, search for them...and find myself just as miserable as you do when he doesn't respond in the script-life method that I would have him do if I had written the words myself. He hasn't done it yet, hasn't even come close. A million different things in life could happen, Shadow. Why are you worrying so much and expecting this relationship to fall apart? I think that's probably what your BF is feeling. I often worry my BF is going through the same thing, that I am somehow exhausting him...that's when I have to pull back and be "breezy." Thanks for the input, Star. I guess my insecurity arises mostly from past rejection. I've been in relationships before where I've detected distance, been reassured it's "nothing," and then been dumped because it was indeed "something." That I've been proven right before has made me hypersensitive to any signs. I guess I want to prepare myself for disappointment. Now looking back at those relationships I wonder if it was actually a self fufilling prohecy where the guys backed off because they sensed my insecurity which in turn made me even more insecure which in turn drove them further away. In times like these it's hard for me to act natural and "breezy" even though I know that's what I have to do. I have to put on a mask to disguise my insecurity, and I'm not very skilled at covering up my emotions. Yet another thing triggered my insecurity just now. I logged onto facebook to leave my bf a "Happy Birthday" comment on his wall and saw a slightly flirtatious comment left two hours ago by a girl he once confessed to having had a "mega crush" on (before he met me) and admits to still having some feelings for. She just broke up with her long term bf a month ago. I also saw that she "poked" him on facebook the other day. Ordinarily this would bother me, but I'm going to just let it go. It's not like he did anything wrong, and I can't help it if some other girl is flirting with him. He's with me, not her, and that's all that matters. Edited December 31, 2007 by shadowplay
Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I've been rejected too, trust me. I understand where your insecurities and doubts come from, and understand the desire to prepare yourself for disappointment. Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to quash those feelings or hide them either, but what I DO know is that you cannot burden your BF with these feelings. You'll overwhelm him, exhaust him, and yes, push him away. I do believe that in many ways it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you (or anyone else) act "breezy" and as though everything is roses, they too will behave and act and believe that everything is roses. While yes, there might be a "something" in there to eventually cause the end of your relationship, while you're living in that relationship, why not live it in a positive light? I'm having issues with BF over MySpace almost daily too. I realize I just cannot look at it anymore, or I'll drive myself crazy.
fray718 Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I'm not sure if acting 'breezy' is the right way to go because you might risk being a doormat that way. I think your bf talking about past crushes, etc is disrespectful to you. And if you act like it's nothing then he will continue to do it. Instead, you should act like you don't need him ie if he says something upsetting just show your disapproval with your face. In your head kind of have this mentality that if he says this again then you just dump him. Really, you don't actually NEED anyone. Don't say anything or question him. Avoid questioning at all cost unless he continues to do upsetting things repeatedly and I mean repeatedly wihthout improvement. Instead, just give a blank stare and change the subject. That way he'll know that you disapprove but at the same time it prevents drama/confrontation. Eventually he'll know to stop bringing up upsetting things with you.
Krytie TV Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I didn't read through all of the replies, but I got the gist that they think you're overreacting. The thought that occured to me over and over again while reading your post, shadow, is that you seem to have bagged yourself a little boy. Little boys do little boy things, like play Madden all day with their buds while the girlfriend sits by like a stranger. You asked for it, you got it. Try finding your own transportation in the future. Or better yet, ready? This will be shocking. Stop caving into him to stay "just another hour". Geez, at what point did you realize that was a stupid decision to make? Ever?
johan Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Geez, at what point did you realize that was a stupid decision to make? Ever? Give me a break, Krytie. You should only act like a jerk toward women you're actually trying to date. Everyone else you can be nice to.
Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I'm not sure if acting 'breezy' is the right way to go because you might risk being a doormat that way. I think your bf talking about past crushes, etc is disrespectful to you. And if you act like it's nothing then he will continue to do it. Instead, you should act like you don't need him ie if he says something upsetting just show your disapproval with your face. In your head kind of have this mentality that if he says this again then you just dump him. Really, you don't actually NEED anyone. Don't say anything or question him. Avoid questioning at all cost unless he continues to do upsetting things repeatedly and I mean repeatedly wihthout improvement. Instead, just give a blank stare and change the subject. That way he'll know that you disapprove but at the same time it prevents drama/confrontation. Eventually he'll know to stop bringing up upsetting things with you. I've done the "look of disapproval" thing, and trust me, it only makes matters worse. Instead me of saying, "Uh, I don't like that," it turns into him saying, "What's that look for? If you're mad at me, you should say something rather than making a face like a child." Acting "breezy" doesn't mean letting anything slide. It means that if he does something wrong, you don't make a big deal out of it but show him in an indirect way that it's not okay. In Shadow's situation, this would mean getting up off the couch and finding alternative transportation home as soon as she realized he was more into playing Madden than spending time with her. When he says, "Hey, where ya going?" her response could simply be, "Eh, I'm just not a fan of watching people play video games. No big deal. I'll find something else to do. Talk to ya later..." and then walk out. No blame, no temper tantrum, but he learns fast that, if he wants her company, he's gotta get off the damn couch.
Florida Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Yeah that's so right Star. Removing yourself frrom his company without drama speaks volumes more than arguing. And I tried that face thing, it was met with utter confusion. Or worse-mistaken for a random upset stomach !
Author shadowplay Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 (edited) There's no real point to this post, other than as a pseudo journal entry to log my thoughts. I'm pretty tired right now so sorry for any incoherence/poor grammar below. It's weird but I really miss my boyfriend even though I just saw him this morning. I'm already thinking of him in the past tense, and recalling moments we've shared as if I'm flipping through an old vacation photo album. It's his birthday today. I love him so much. I really don't want to lose him. I keep on thinking about the way his face looks when he's asleep. It sounds trite, but it's like the sweetest expression I've ever seen. The way his eyelashes brush against his face beneath his intelligent brows and he seems to be concentrating so intently on whatever's going on in his head. Maybe it's creepy but often I wake up in the morning before him and just watch him sleep because it puts me at ease. I find his sleeping face so fascinating because I know that when he's dreaming he's truly vulnerable and that's a part of him I rarely get to see. I fell for him the instant he let his guard down around me. I remember the exact moment. It was so sweet, like a revelation, when he first did that. And every time it seemed like we got closer. Now I just don't know, I fear we won't have any more of those moments. I wish it was just enough to love him, and everything would be ok. But it's so complicated. Even if I managed to keep my insecurity at bay and just love him, I don't think that would be enough. I think he wants something more. I think he wants someone who doesn't really need him, whom he can put on a pedestal. I don't think it's possible for me to simultaneously not need him and love him the way I do now. And my insecurity has probably killed our relationship already. I'm scared of even trying at this point to just be disappointed in the end. I know this is something I have to get over. I can't always have complete control. I need to risk failure. I envision the worst case scenario as a very slow death. I keep on trying, but he gets more and more distant and I have no control. Then I have to break things off with him because he doesn't have the heart to do it himself. I have this impulse to just abandon ship now, but that too seems self defeating. Even though I miss him, I'm sort of dreading spending NYE with him. Being around him will just make me miss him more. The worst feeling is missing someone when they're physically with you. Ok, well I'm going to bed. Happy holidays everyone. Edited December 31, 2007 by shadowplay
4givrnt4gtr Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Make a list of unacceptable behavior. IMO to be happy the list is best kept short; only non-negotiables. Everything else, as long as you still love him, LET GO. You'll be amazed at how much happier you are once you're not trying to catch your bf "mistreating" you. It's tough always being the victim. Example of a list: 1. Cheating 2. Lying 3. Overly-controlling behaivior 4. Physical/ verbal abuse 5. Consistently actively putting another female's feelings before yours (and no, choosing to watch a football game with his friends while you're there instead of doing "something else" that you might have liked better does not count. If he violates something on your list, you know you have a problem. If he doesn't, it's not his fault you're unhappy, so leave him out of it. Wow....love the list!!! Makes life THAT much easier doesnt it??
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