NotEasy Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Here is my dilemma I have been married for almost 2 yrs now. Prior to my marriage I dated my ex on and off for 2 yrs and we were friends for almost a year before that. We had a lot of ups and downs and most of the drama source was me trying to get some control. I didn’t trust him and always felt rather intimidated by him. He said he loved me over and over again way before I had any feelings for him. My main issue with him was his need to control me and change certain aspects of me that he didn’t approve of. So basically we broke it off whenever we had a head bumping session where we both tried to get some control over the relationship. But after all was said and done we always fell back together and just couldn’t shake off our strong feeling for each other. The last time we broke up is when I realized that this relationship was unstable and had no benefit to me. I wanted a person that I can plan a future with. A person I could trust. And a personality that would complement mine and not bring out the worst in me. So I broke it off without an announcement or a grown up talk about my reasons. I stayed away from him as I knew that he had this great hold over me but we worked for the same company and he visited our site as a senior in the company. I still loved him and my heart ached every time I thought about him or had any professional contact with him.. But I kept telling myself that the pain would go away and my decision to leave was for my best interest. Fast forward 3 months later, I met a wonderful man who loves me more than I have ever been loved. He treats me like a queen and goes above and beyond to make me happy. He asked me to marry him and I said “no” as I still had these strong feelings for my ex (but I didn’t explain). This wonderful man gave me an ultimatum saying that if I didn’t want to marry him then there is no point in spending time together. So I was between a rock and a hard place. Why would I lose this perfect man because I was still pining for a man that I decided was wrong for me? So I went ahead and got married. Regretted it ever since. I love my husband but I am not “in love” with him. It’s a silly cliché but it is true in my case. We get along great. We are a very normal couple and he is a very very dedicated husband. We don’t argue we just live life as happily as possible. But my feelings for my ex still haunt me. I feel the emptiness often and usually just before I lay my head to sleep. I just can’t shake him off. I miss him terribly. I miss the good times and anguish about the bad times. I miss our conversations. I miss our times together. I miss our similarities. I miss how he made me laugh and how I made him laugh. I miss having someone who got my back. I miss how attentive he was when I had things to get off my chest. And most of all, I miss our friendship. We were friends before we got involved and I now mourn that wonderful relationship. My husband, my ex and I all worked overseas. My husband is still overseas and so is my ex. My husband is away months at time but we talk regularly. My ex on the other hand sends me emails once in a while asking how I am and mentioning that I crossed his mind often. A couple of weeks ago I decided to take a trip for a few days of sight seeing at a nearby city. And as it happened I got word from a friend of my ex that he was in town too. So I against my better judgment called him and let him know my plans. He said he’d take the time to take me out and show me around. Well since that call, I just had trouble breathing. My heart was beating like crazy and the damn butterflies just wouldn’t go away for days. All I thought about was him. He took over my whole being and I just couldn’t shake it off. So we met he hugged me and that sent a shock though my body. I physically ached for him to touch me again and as if he knew he reached out and held my hand as we strolled through town. That night he had a little too much to drink and opted to stay in my hotel room. He tried to get physical and it took all of my might to say no and explain that sleeping with him would be the worst crime I could commit against my wonderful husband who loved and cherished me. The night went well, we hugged and fell asleep. But I felt very guilty about doing this to my husband. The next night he took me out again and this time we went to a club together. We had a great time. The mood, the music, the physical contact all played havoc with my resolve to keep it platonic. We went back to my room and I foolishly decided to tell him about my feelings toward my husband. Again, he proved to be a great friend and really listened to what I had to say. His advice was to do the right thing, be fair, and let my husband know that my whole heart isn’t in this relationship. He told me he’d been through the same issue in a previous relationship and felt great relief when he confessed his feelings and ended the marriage. I knew his advice was right as this was the conclusion that I came to. I then failed myself and betrayed my husband by allowing myself to get intimate with my ex. The truth is that it felt wonderful as if we were never apart. I wholly realized that I loved this man more than anything and going through life without him would be a great injustice to my happiness. i have also been beating myself over the fact that I committed the greatest betrayal of my life. I feel nasty, dirty and wholly pathetic. But now I am mad at myself and feel very lost. There is the issue of my husband. It’s true that he pressured me into marrying him but I can’t blame it all on him. It will break his heart into a million little pieces if I were to tell him that I wasn’t in love with him and he would probably do something very stupid if I told him that I cheated on him with my ex. He knows my ex and has always felt threatened by him. My heart tells me to end my marriage because my husband deserves better than this. He deserves someone who would love him, respect him and be loyal to him. My heart is also telling me that my happiness lies with my ex. That maybe we have changed and things could work out better than they did 2 years ago. My mind tells me that I would be crazy to let go of my husband because of my feelings for an ex that I couldn’t stay with. My husband is rare find. He is a person of high morals and treats me better than I have ever imagined. My mind also tells me that my ex is an ex because things didn’t work out. They never will as our differences were fundamental. [FONT="]What am I supposed to do?? [/FONT]
Tripper Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 My heart tells me to end my marriage because my husband deserves better than this. He deserves someone who would love him, respect him and be loyal to him. My heart is also telling me that my happiness lies with my ex. That maybe we have changed and things could work out better than they did 2 years ago. My mind tells me that I would be crazy to let go of my husband because of my feelings for an ex that I couldn’t stay with. My husband is rare find. He is a person of high morals and treats me better than I have ever imagined. My mind also tells me that my ex is an ex because things didn’t work out. They never will as our differences were fundamental. NE, while you think you're in the middle of a moral dilemma, it's really quite simple... You are still married to your husband. If you don't see this marriage as a life long or long term marriage, then you owe it to him to end the marriage so that you both can move on. As much as you feel he pressured you, you did have the right to say no and let him walk away. Why did you marry him?? Rebound?? While you get strong emotions for your ex, you know darn well that the fundamental issues that caused you to end that relationship are still there and will always be a problem unless both you and your ex have a divine revelation and reinvent yourselves. And that's not likely. Your husband deserves more than what you seem to be giving. If you want to be true to yourself and your H, I think you need to tell H your feelings and honestly why you married him. He has a right to know if you are not 100% his emotionally and spiritually. If you decide to stay in your marriage will you really be happy?? If you end your marriage will you be happy?? If you get back with your ex and if it doesn't work out will you be happy?? So unless you end your marriage and have a successful relationship with your ex, which in your own words is unlikely, you will have to decide what's going to cost you the least amount of pain and unhappiness.
s_n_d Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I say this a lot and Ill say it again. I think you should do what makes you happy. If you truly believe that your ex will give you the life your husband cannot then you know your ex is the one for you. And if you believe you will never find anyone like your husband, then you know that your husband is who your meant to be with. I think you need to think long and hard before you make any rash decisions though. You dont want to do anything you will regret and hurt either your ex or husband in the process.
Author NotEasy Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 Thank you for the advice. What's tormenting me the most is that I feel that I have reached a point of no return. I broke my vows to my husband. I've done something that he quite clearly told me time and again that it would the worst thing I could ever do to him. His ex wife had cheated on him and it almost destroyed him. My guilt is eating away at me I don’t think my marriage will ever be the same again. I also know that my ex would always have this control over me no matter how much distance I put between us. He is still crazy about me and has always said that he will forever be on the sidelines waiting for me to be his and his alone once again. When I first started seeing my husband I knew that he was the rebound guy. I needed something/someone to distract me from my ex while I worked on quelling my feelings and burning desire to be with him. My husband almost succeeded. I'd usually forget about the x for months at a time only remembering him when friends mention his name or something reminds me of him. Then my relationship with H evolved into what it is today. I could have refused his proposal but I didn’t want to lose such a great guy while I convinced myself that time will heal my heart and I will learn to love this wonderful man just as I loved my ex. In reality I do not want to leave my husband for my ex because this would cause him endless pain and a lot of havoc within the family. We have always seemed to be the happy couple. My children from previous relationship love my H to death as do my parents and just about everyone we know. Basically my reasons for staying with husband would be to keep others happy and not cause anyone any pain. I am not unhappy being with him. I just feel this emptiness in my heart and it pains me that I cannot reciprocate his feelings towards me. Being with my ex could be a next to impossible. I suspect that we haven’t really changed much in the past few years. I can see us battling for control again. I can already feel the self doubt that consumed me when I was with him. My love for him always brought out the green eyed monster and awful insecurities which I never felt with my husband. Basically my choices are to either leave my husband to give him a chance to find someone who deserves him while I get along with my life without him or my ex. Or I could just ride this phase out, work on my marriage and push the ex as far out of my mind as I can. [FONT="]While typing this, my ex called to “see how I was” and to thank me for spending time with him during my trip. I haven’t told my ex how I feel about him but I imagine that he already knows. I think that I need to let him know how I feel and to tell him how being in contact with him is affecting my marriage. Maybe even ask him to cease contacting me. It’s going to sounds harsh as I was the one who initiated this whole get together and he may feel like I am playing with his feelings. [/FONT][FONT="]I'm such a f*** up[/FONT]
Tripper Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Let me say NE I feel your pain. I have my own story that involved a 15 year obsession with a woman I met but did not marry. We happened to reconnect and I finally walked away from a long term marriage to be with her. And it failed. Because the same reasons we split years before were still there. I tell you only the short version, but to your point, there was no happy ending. At least for me. Whatever you choose to do, commit to it for your own sanity.
Nomad1 Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 You are in a tricky situation. Either course you choose to follow, will lead to unpleasant outcomes for you and your husband. The question is, are you prepared to work on your relationship with your husband? Will he forgive and forget if you fess to the affair? Whatever you do, please don't tell him 'I love you but I am in love with you!'. This is not about being in love. It is about you wanting to have a good stable man as a husband and an exciting but less stable boyfriend. You can't have both. You might be better off living on your own! This is probably a tough decision but a better one in the long run for the people in your life. Whatever happens, expect that you will be unhappy for a while.
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