promised more than i could handle, how many chances?

[thequeenofquiet]

history: i am friends with an ex boyfriend (A). we dated for 5 years from 99 - 2003. we didnt speak for two years, and then in 2005 started a physical relationship even though i wanted more. we did that for two years and stopped in october 2006. we continued to hang out as friends only through until july 2007. We have a 9 year history. today i can say that everything since 2005 has been unhealthy. i became a crutch to him, a placeholder so he could say and think he had a friend. he's unhappy, his career is going nowhere, and no longer cares to get to know the person i am. i maintained a connection for his sake, thinking it would help him get better if i stayed around.

 

around that time (late fall i met B, we had a rocky beginning, he didnt want anything serious, i didnt have the energy to try to control the relationship the way i had in the past and so i just let it run how it would - one day B realized that i was still connected to A and decided it wasn't something he could deal with, a 9 year connection wouldn't be broken and he was done. i called him back and we made amends, i would disconnect from him because i saw significance in this relationship.

 

and i did put distance between us. but i didnt sever it. we hung out sporadically. B then found a text message that said "i miss you, let's hang out". he didnt want to hear that he missed me because i'd put that distance. he expected me to have been done with him.

 

(insert B's history: he's had girlfriends cheat with ex's, and friends do terrible things. trust is key and when its broken its big)

 

i called him back again and we moved on. his gut said this would be an issue, and i said no, i'd resolve it. he was starting to mean the world to me. we were falling deep, and heavy and intense and i was letting him into places i'd never let anyone and him the same and we challenged each other and made each other better.

 

in october he found a received call from A. 5 minutes, and i hadn't seen him since July, but bad enough that he wanted to walk away. again, we persevered.

 

on christmas he found a gift i had bought for A. insignificant, impersonal, but there he was, still on my mind, still connected. he left me. ruined our christmases, ruined my birthday yesterday. and today, i cannot figure out why he was never worth it to me to completely sever the connection. why i still left a quarter inch string between us. why i still kept him around, when i was so deeply in love with a man who had given me more than ever, and who i felt really deserved why i had to give. he worshipped me. we had a future. it was there in front of us, and i squandered it over a relationship i got nothing from. over someone who doesn't know me. knew me 5 years ago, but doesnt care to know me now. over someone to whom i was just a placeholder. we shared nothing. and i lost B because i couldn't say to A, "im done. we have this history, yes, but there is no future."

 

has anyone ever said that to someone? has anyone ever not and understood why you couldn't?

 

so here we are. me begging for chance number 4 and him saying there's a line and i crossed it. saying he'd be a fool to be played again. saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice (three, four) times, shame on me.

 

but in my heart i know we could work. have you ever gotten past something like this that someone you loved did to you? repeatedly? and survived? given them that chance? what did it take for you? time? persistance by them? how do i prove i can be trusted? believed? is it worth it? have you ever been in my shoes? convinced whole heartedly that it was not the end when someone else told you they were through?

 

i know there's some hesitation on his end. he loves me so deeply and i love him, but i hurt him and he's angry as hell. he (and i) doesnt understand why this one thing, this one guy, from which i got nothing, poisoned us. he is worth fighting the best fight i've got in me. and never before did i feel like that. i've been broken up with before and knew it was the right time. with this, it doesnt feel right. on the other side of this we have so much. we ran deep in each other.

 

i know i deserve this though, i brought it on myself. i see that. he's not irrational and he's doing what's best to protect himself right now. even if we got back together next week it would probably be a mess. but with time can the hurt fade and the love persevere?

 

in addition to all the previous questions....where do i go immediately? we've talked (ive cried) every day since. i need to take some time off for me (im thinking like 3 days max) and because i think no contact for him would be an 'out of sight out of mind' thing and make it easier...suggestions? a story-text? nothing deep? no more i-miss-yous?

 

so strangers...talk to me. opinions, solutions, suggestions, similar stories and harsh realities. thanks if you got to the end of this. i'm struggling here.

Edited December 30, 2007 by thequeenofquiet

[curiousnycgirl]

I'm sorry I wish I could help but I just don't see why B has such an issue with your having minimal contact with A. I wish I could see it the way you guys do, but I just can't. You're not hooking up with this guy, you're not even seeing him - he's just a friend, one you see very infrequently - what is the big deal?!

 

Why is B checking your phone? Does he not trust you? If not, why not? There's got to be something else going on here, I'm so confused.

[thequeenofquiet]

he asked me to do one thing. he had problems with this in the past with girlfriends and instilled the knowledge of how hard it is for him to cope. he wasn't demanding with other male friends, just asked for me to let go of an ex boyfriend with whom i was sharing nothing except for logetivity of our aquaintance....and i couldn't completely.

 

i cut back significantly. we hadn't hung out since august - but he still called occasionally...and i (for no real reason) picked up...he was hurt by that. i should have seen it. and not treated his one request so carelessly...especially since it was so small and meaningless to me.

 

of course he has issues trusting me. he was wrong to look in my phone. he admitted that. i was wrong to give him reason to look.

[curiousnycgirl]

He is projecting the behaviour of his past g/f's on you - that is not fair. However I do agree since you promised to cut all ties, you should do so (although I still don't feel you should have made that promise).

 

Since the two of you are still communicating, I would not give up hope. Just talk to him!!! Tell him you were wrong for promising and not following through - but he needs to understand you are NOT those other women and never will be. That you will not ever cheat on him.

 

Good luck - hey I think you guys need a HUGE NYE make up!!!!

[Freddy]

Not to be harsh but you sound like my ex. You couldn't just let go but instead you played these little games. You got so many chances and you ruin them by lying and decieving. It doesn't matter how many chances we give you, you will continue this behavior, it doesn't matter what you say you will continue. You don't deserve this guy. Sorry.

[jerbear]

From my point of view, B is insecure with your relationship with A. If A is the only one that B has issues with, then have a chat between you and B. B may require some reassurances.

 

Your friendship with A goes back a long way and quite frankly many SO's do get jealous or threatened by that. Especiallys those who are ex's. I was involved with a A & B once; I was both! I had an ex who knew I had very close female friends and I was the ex who knew she kept in contact with her ex's. It is not an easy situation to be in, what I've done was just introduced both to each other, they are buddies now, go figure.

 

Has A & B met in person? If not I would suggest them meeting each other to get confirmation of each other's existence. It is quite possible that either one may leave but what usually happens, A knows B exists and backs off. B sees A as not really a threat.

 

BF's come and go, ditto for friends. It all works out in the end.

[s_n_d]

I think B was a little to uncomfortable with the fact that you still had some contact with A.

Ive definitely felt uncomfortable in the past when I found out that my ex and his ex were really close But i could never ask him to cut her out. Its MY problem that it bothered me. He has(d) no feelings for her whatsoever. But somehow i just couldnt let it be.

 

I think B was out of line for asking you to give up your friendship with A.

 

But you do have to understand that everyone has their insecurities. And you cant blame him for feeling that way.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm going to look at this from B's perspective:

• He's been cheated on previously and has trust issues that you were fully aware of.
  
• He specifically asked you to stop communicating with A, with which you agreed to do.
  
• He gave you 3 chances to prove yourself to be trustworthy, of which each time, you broke it.

My advice to you is to consider your actions and see why you had to keep pushing the envelope. You can't manipulate him into giving you another chance because you feel that "love" should be enough to forgive your unreliability.

 

I think you need to move on, while learning something from this experience. If you agree to do something, follow through with it. If there's something you can't agree to, don't. Of course this means that you risk losing someone you want to keep but life is about choices and fair-play.

 

A relationship is between two people who put effort into it, in equal portions. It's about love, trust and respect. I see no respect coming from you.