parselysage Posted June 12, 2003 Posted June 12, 2003 I am a 23 year old female. I just recently started dating a friend. Everything is going very well. I like him more than i ever thought I could like anyone. But, about 4 years ago I was dating another friend. Both my new boyfriend and old were also friends, although none of my friends are in contact with the old boyfriend now. Anyway, I had oral sex with my old boyfriend, but I am not sure if my new boyfriend knows about it ( I am a virgin otherwise and so is my boyfriend). When should I tell him? Should I wait until things get serious? I don't want to ruin anything. I've never liked anyone like I like him.
Tony T Posted June 12, 2003 Posted June 12, 2003 1. "When should I tell him?" When should you tell him what??? That you had oral sex with a friend of his??? If that's it, the answer is NEVER. Why would your past sexual experiences be any of his business? That you are a virgin? If that's it, wait until the topic comes up. You don't have to spill your guts about your entire life to this guy. Think about keeping some things personal and private. 2. "Should I wait until things get serious?" That sounds like a great idea.
parselysage Posted June 12, 2003 Posted June 12, 2003 I guess I failed to mention that a few of my other friends know about my past, and I am worried that he may find out from one of them.
Jinked Posted June 12, 2003 Posted June 12, 2003 I'm just coming out of a relationship with a guy for who knowing everything about my relationships was very important. I told him some things at first, then others as time went by. That was a year and a half into the relationship. Well, what I told him affected him to the point where he started seeing me differently. He judged me and resented me. We ended it up breaking up. And he was upset about silly things, like I played strip poker with friends until we got to our bathing suits, when we were teenagers, or we did skinny dipping. THe guy thought I was a wild girl and because I enjoy sex a lot and have a strong libido, he thought I would have sex with anyone givin the opportunity. I've learned a big lesson. My past sexual history is mine and no one else's business. I say don't say anything.
ThisGirlNameKD Posted June 12, 2003 Posted June 12, 2003 These are one of the few times I disagree with Tony. When it comes to human sexuality, we're encouraged to talk with one another about sex and our sex history before we become deeply involved with other people. Granted, you don't have to go into graphic details, but your partner does have a right to know what he's getting into. With STDs rapidly going around (not saying you have one), and women surprisingly popping back up in to men lives to let them know they have a baby (and it's legitimately theirs after all), letting a person know about your sexual history is actually loving thing to do. If a person had been promiscuous and they get involved with someone who fairly inexperienced when it comes to sex, maybe that person that's inexperienced wants someone who's also not as experienced. It would be selfish if you hide your past under those circumstances. You say your boyfriend is a virgin. Maybe he wants someone who's an all the way virgin, who has no experience with sex at all, including oral sex. Before both of you get too serious, both of you need to talk about sex, and you need to find out to what extent does he want his girlfriend to be inexperienced or a virgin. As him how would he feel if he found out that a girl he wanted to pursue was a virgin but had oral sex. And if he's against it, you need to come clean. If he doesn't have a problem with it, I don't see how what you did in the past would be a you and your new guy in your current relationship.
ThisGirlNameKD Posted June 12, 2003 Posted June 12, 2003 I just wanted to add that if a person who is not well experienced in sex seeks out someone who also isn't well experienced, people that are well experienced shouldn't feel upset when those that are not well experience do not want to get involved with them, nor should they hide it the fact that they are more experienced. There are people out there who don't want someone whose been with alot of people, and they have that right to choose that.
ThisGirlNameKD Posted June 12, 2003 Posted June 12, 2003 There will be those who will tell you not to tell and that may work in some situations and not in others, and there will be those who tell you to tell and that will work in some situations but not all. If you have to ask, that means you're not comfortable with him not knowing. If you're comfortable with him not knowing, you wouldn't be seeking advice. What happens if he turns up hurt or upset if he found that out about you when you didn't tell him? How would you deal with that? You can't lie your way out of it because other people know and they can confirm it. So think seriously about it, and follow your conscience girl.
Bill Posted June 12, 2003 Posted June 12, 2003 ThisGirlNameKD Not so, as she may feel obligated to tell him but does not want to tell him.
ThisGirlNameKD Posted June 12, 2003 Posted June 12, 2003 Just because she doesn't want to tell him doesn't mean she shouldn't or that he doesn't have a right to know. He's a virgin and he may want a girl that's a straight up virgin and hadn't done ANYTHING with a guy. If that's how he feels, he has a right to feel that way. That's what he wants and he has a right to have what he's looking for. If she keeps that from him, she takes his right away from him. Refraining from telling someone the truth just so they won't leave you is not a good thing in a relationship. If you want a relationship you want someone that's going to want you warts and all. You shouldn't have to go into "hide" mode because you're scared of losing someone. And if he wants a woman that's a straight up virgin and he finds out that she's had sexual experience (although oral), he's liable to be upset or angry with her for hiding that from him. What advice would you give her then if she writes back and say he left her because he found out about it when she was trying to hide it from him? And remember other people know about it. It's not just something she knows and she can hide it. Other people can come out and tell him about it. And if more than one person opens their mouth, how would she refute that?
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