Ex-Wife Still in the Picture...and It's Driving Me Nuts!

[sadface]

I am newly married, just over a year ago. I left a career and family behind and relocated to the US to be with my husband. I am now 6 months pregnant with our baby, the first for either of us. This is complicated so please bear with me, dear readers :-). Thank you!

 

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Husband has an ex-wife (also an Asian immigrant) who moved in with his parents after they (Husband and ex-wife) separated. The parents were not told of this marriage until after they separated, because (Husband told me) she married him for a Green Card and he did not want to upset them any more than they already were that he got married without their knowledge. Husband did tell me however that they tried to live as Husband and Wife (including sex) but realized their incompatibility very quickly.

 

I met & fell in love with Husband while he was separated and only got to know about it as I was getting ready to get married. After a lot of introspection and discussion, we decided to go ahead with our plans. However, our marriage got delayed because she contested his divorce petition as she did not want to let him go before she gets her 10-year Green Card (her 2-year Green Card was expiring).

 

We finally got married after his divorce came through. Husband's parents were only told of our marriage a few months after, as he did not want to upset his mother (she has had a massive stroke a few years back and is easily agitated).

 

Ex-wife continues to live with his parents until today, and I believe they are very fond of her. His mother continues to update me on the Ex-Wife activities (e.g. her presents for them, etc) even after repeated reminders from Husband not to (I am inclined to think it's the stroke that makes her less sensitive to the situation and not malice or loyalty to the Ex-Wife, but what do you think?).

 

Husband has asked his parents to ask Ex-Wife to leave but nothing has happened - according to Husband, she was asked to leave but Ex-Wife has not done anything. Personally I think she would rather stay on for these reasons: she lives there either rent-free or for next-to-nothing rent in a great neighborhood, she gets to be taken care of by the parents (e.g they put her on their insurance plan even though her poor driving record drove up their insurance rates), and she gets to be close to my Husband.

 

I have a problem with her not because she is the Ex, I have a problem with her because she made crank calls to me while I was dating Husband and until a few months ago would call me and hang up at odd hours. And call husband numerous times a day for the most frivolous matters - how to fill the tires, how to get somewhere, where are his parents, etc. She has not called me anymore and cut down her calls considerably to him now as far as I know, but I saw an instant message on the computer asking to chat, text messages on the phone and still the occasional calls on the phone. Not a week goes by without a call to Husband. He understandably does not want to me to get upset especially when I am pregnant, and I do try to not get too upset as I would rather him be honest with him rather than hide from me, but my patience is wearing thin.

 

I also have bouts of self-doubt when I think if I am being too thin-skinned but honestly I can't think anyone else will take this for long. Even my 6 month pregnancy is concealed from his parents. We need a bigger place for when the baby comes and would like to move in with his parents for a while but obviously we can't do so while Ex-Wife is there. Husband is keeping the pregnancy secret from the parents so that they can make the decision to ask the Ex-Wife to leave when they are ready and not push them into choosing, as it were.

 

It is not easy to conceal the growing bump and I feel sad that I can’t share this experience with the baby's own grandparents. I also do not like all the deceit especially when our friends and acquaintances know, but not the baby's grandparents.

 

I can't even go to the parents house because I have to avoid confrontation with her, and at Xmas had to leave early because Ex-Wife came back unexpectedly and Husband didn’t want to stay. I felt so small when we had to hustle out of there, as if I am the 'Other Woman', never mind that I met Husband when he had separated from her for a year and have never treated her with anything less than keeping a respectful distance.

 

I have been trying to be polite and patient but think that perhaps I should take matters into my own hands as nothing seems to have worked. I have not spoken to Ex-Wife myself as Husband would prefer him and his parents to deal with her, and I have respected that. I am SO tempted however after today - when she sent him a picture message on the mobile - to call her directly and tell her to stop all this nonsense. Then again, what good would it do except give her the satisfaction of a reaction from me and if the parents and Husband aren't able to make her stop, what can I do?

 

Then again, I also wonder if Husband is really being as firm with her as he claims he is, or if he is still being nice to her. I don't think they are getting back though. I do wonder though why he is so ineffectual at getting her out of the house and our lives, or at least stop her contact with him. Does he feel sorry for her that she is alone in this country as they are not together anymore (even though she desperately WANTED to move to the US for a better future, unlike me, who left a cushy and prestigious job in my country of origin?) Or does it even matter?

 

Am I wrong if I feel that by letting Ex-Wife stay on despite her actions (e.g. harassment calls, visit to where Husband and I live to hand me his Xmas present), my own parent-in-laws chose Ex-Wife over me?

 

I am posting this here to get a fresh perspective. I also don't have any other family in this country and I can't discuss these issues with my family in my country of origin as they will be worried sick about me. Now I often feel like my baby and I have no one to stand up for us, which makes me very sad. Hopefully I can get some idea of how to deal with this from the collective wisdom out there.

 

Thank you for reading this :-).

 

 

 

ps: Ex-Wife just called Husband again, it is now 11.45 pm on a Saturday night. I wanted to call her to tell her to quit bugging us but Husband said his dad will handle this.

[Tripper]

Sadface, I'm sorry for your situation however I must tell you I feel this is all wrong.

He married her in secrecy?? And now you are pregnant and that, too, is a secret?? And she continues to live with his parents??

If you think about it your husband puts his parents first, his ex W second and you and your future child are third.

I can appreciate your husbands concern for his parents well being, but where is his concern for yours.

Having been in relationships with Asian women, I understand the cultural and social values around family and looking after one's own, however your concerns need to be addressed.

You should discuss your feelings with your husband and find some workable solution. Definitely your pregnancy should be announced to his parents. They have a right to know they are going to be grandparents.

While they may choose to help his ex by providing her with a support network and accommodation, they should also take your sensitivity into account regarding information about the ex, visiting etc. Once the baby is born I assume they will want to have regular visits with you and the child.

Going forward, what happens if and when the ex's green card comes through?? Does she continue to live there?? I would think that she should be given a time limit in which to find employment and her own living space.

If your inlaws and her want to have any kind of a relationship then that is their business and shouldn't be forced onto you.

In my opinion, your husband is acting immaturely and irresponsibly as he is not put you and your unborn child as a first priority. This needs to be addressed immediately as once your child is born, you will need his support more than ever.

[Jilly Bean]

In all seriousness, did your husband make money off her (and you), for getting you both green cards? It's highly fishy, to say the least.

 

To answer your other questions, I think not only are his parents choosing her over you, but your husband is, too. I am convinced there is some money being exchanged, because there is no other reason that his parents would disrespect his wishes to get rid of her and keep her around over his new wife.

 

I get SUCH a bad feeling about this situation - I don't know why, but I truly do. I won't even tell you what I think is really going on, I just really hope I am wrong...

[Passionate69]

Are you sure that your husband telling you the truth ?