fighting

[mattea]

i feel really sad and lonely right now. my boyfriend and i fight so often it seems, and i just don't understand it. in my past relationship, there has been no fighting or very little fighting. i've often thought that it was unhealthy that i didn't fight with my ex of 6 years ever - like looking back maybe we needed to argue and get things out in the open and work through them.

 

still, i've never fought with anyone like i do the person i am seeing now. never had so many days and evenings and plans spoiled because of arguments. even on christmas morning (it was just the two of us together that day) we fought and he left for awhile. he came back and it was ok for the rest of the day, but i'm sick of the drama. it feels awful when we fight - we both get so upset and frustrated and it just seems like we are in a deadlock.

 

this evening i spent a long time getting ready, wanting to look good and feel good for our evening together. we took his son out to dinner and the movies, and i thought that after when his son went to bed we'd have some romantic time alone together. but we got in an argument just before the movie - i didn't think it was anything too terrible but before i knew it he was saying that if i was going to "be like that" and i "didn't want to be sweet to him" he didn't want to be around me and didn't want to go to the movie. so i was nice to him all through the movie - i held his hand and was affectionate, and after i was talking to them both and asking questions, etc. but when we got back to his house he was upset and said he felt awkward and was doesn't like being around me when i "get like that" and take things out on him and act stand-offish. i'd been being sweet for 2 hours since that is what he asked me to do, but he was still upset. we were arguing and it seemed to be escalating (yet again) so i went home because i couldn't stand the thought of his son being able to hear us in the other room fighting.

 

i'm sure sometimes i'm cranky or get unfairly upset with him, but he's always talking about how i should be "sweet" with him and if i'm not he's ready to leave instantly. i sometimes feel like i'm not allowed my feelings of anger or upset - i just have to be this sweet doll all the time and i feel resentful of that.

 

anyway, i guess i just wanted to know - how do i deal with this? if you are with someone you fight with often and it gets ugly so often, is there a way out? a way to learn to communicate better instead of having it turn in to drama and canceled plans frequently? i feel really lonely right now having had this happen AGAIN

[Green]

id say its time to break up

[mattea]

any other thoughts? other people think the same?

[Trialbyfire]

Are the two of you fighting about the same things, all the time? Perhaps unresolved issues? Do the two of you resolve issues or sweep them under the carpet?

[mattea]

hmmm... that's a good question. we usually fight about different things. sometimes it's just something kind of trivial but it turns into a big fight. usually the fight ends up escalating in this way:

 

i'm upset and a bit angry and need some time to cool down.

 

he starts telling me that i am not being loving and soft and sweet with him, and if i don't want to be sweet to him then he doesn't want to be around me. he says he can't be around me when i'm being "like that".

 

i don't feel sweet and loving, i feel angry and upset, and i just want to take some time to cool down. i don't feel i have it in me to just reach for him and be affectionate and sweet and reassuring when we've been fighting - like i'd need to flip some switch in order to do so. because our fight just keeps escalating and escalating and getting farther away from feeling connected and loving, i feel i need to take some time out from the fighting and cool down.

 

my walking away from the fight (even though i'm not leaving in general and tell him i just need some time to cool down) sets him off as he says it is the exact opposite of what he needs.

 

so to answer your question, the fighting might start over a myriad of small or sometimes a little larger reasons, but then ends up in the above scenario most times.

[EYECANDY000]

It seems like your bf is very set in his ways and is very selfish about your feelings. He doesnt seem to be the type thats very sympathetic to your emotions and almost seems as if he doesnt care. Try being a little more firm with him and tell him how you really feel instead of trying to play this goody to shoes for him. Not being able to express yourself because you know how his actions will be is basiclly putting a cap on your feelings. Seems like you cant say anything to him , because you know it will egg him on and before its over you are the one to blame ... Always!! read some of my past post and read the great responses I got

[Trialbyfire]

Who normally initiates the conflict?

[mattea]

that's also a good question, because when i think about it i'm not sure. sometimes i feel like we get to that place of him telling me i'm not being sweet and loving and reassuring, and i'm not even sure how we got there! it happens so fast! he tells me i'm being distant and i look back over the day and i don't think i was all that distant. i try to ask why he feels that way and it's little stuff like i didn't call him "honey" at all during the day or hold his hand when we were walking earlier.

 

i sometimes start things when i'm upset or cranky i guess - but i'm not really trying to start a fight, just expressing frustration. when i do that he starts in on me about how i'm not being sweet and i'm taking things out on him and he doesn't want to be around me when i'm "like that"

 

often fights start because he says i am being distant or not being reassuring/loving when he needs it. i'm doing my best and so then i get really frustrated and we fight.

 

it often goes like this - i am feeling a little blue or stressed or cranky one day or for a couple hours - i let him know that - reassure him that it isn't about us - tell him what it is about if i know. then he will start in on me about how i've been distant all day or busy/stressed most of the day and he doesn't like being around me when i'm like that. i don't feel i am mean to him during these times - we still spend time together and talk and i'm affectionate, maybe just not as much as when i'm feeling better, you know? but then he starts in on how he's not getting his needs met and he needs me to be sweet and loving, and the pressure just makes me crazy!

 

that's how fights normally start (from my view). i have things bothering me or i'm not having the best day, i do my best to still be connected with him and let him know how i'm feeling and what is going on, and then on top of feeling a bit stressed or blue, i end up feeling guilty because i'm not being as "sweet" like i am with him on my better days. then he needs all this reassurance and affection and attention and i feel like i'm going to blow. i'm not used to getting so angry but i do in these situations.

[Trialbyfire]

He sounds like the overly-sensitive type that needs a lot of reassurance and validation through physical affection and ego-stroking.

 

I wish I could help you with this but I truly suck with the overly-sensitive ones. Consider me insensitive but lord, I simply have no patience for them.