flyncycle Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 My wife was in a very heated affair two years ago. It was pretty much like having a roommate for 5 months and she totally ignored the kids during that time. All of her energy was focused on the affair and she flaunted the affair knowing that at the time my biggest concern was taking care of the kids and trying to understand what was going on. I was totally floored by her behavior. It was 180 degrees from who she had been for the first 20 years of our marriage. The guy had been on a temporary assignment and had to return home. She has continued to stay in contact with the guy all these months via email and regular phone calls. She has admitted that it is not so much the guy, but the idea of the thrill of a romantic trist. She has told me that she has no intentions of having another affair, but that she also feels that while I am her best friend and she is very much in love with me, she feels no passion towards me and that this is a very important part of her life that is missing. She has basically said that she in no way wants to ruin our relationship or disrupt the childrens lives, so why can't I just learn to be happy with 80% of her while she fills that need for passion and excitement by going dancing again and having fun with guys or a guy if she happens to find one. I don't know what to do... I feel like I've been kicked in the gut and now she's telling me I love you, but I can also love another man without it interfering with our relationship, Just turn a blind eye and ignore what you see. Just play dumb and happy and all will be great. I love you and have no intentions of leaving you. It's killing me... I have really felt that I should work to save our marriage for us and especially our children. I don't know what to do now or where to turn.
quankanne Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 ask her if the tables were turned, and YOU made this kind of statement to HER, would she feel the same way? chances are, she wouldn't, so she needs to get her head out of her posterior and work on the marriage if she intends to remain your wife – there's no room for divided loyalties in this kind of relationship! For the record, I don't think a best friend would shxt on someone the way your wife is when it comes to you. in the meanwhile, get counselling for yourself to get the tools you need to deal with this bombshell.
Confused9 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Wow. What your wife is asking you to do is unbelievable. I agree with the OP ask her how she would feel if you asked her to do this. I don't think she would agree. She may say she would because she wants you to accept but...that bull sh*t. She doesn't want to disrupt your marriage or your children - but guess what...she already has! She had an A for 2 years and put her life on hold to do so. However, while she was out there screwing around your childred grew up and your marriage came apart. I don't understand the mind of cheaters. I wish I did, but I don't. How do you ask your husband of 20 years a question like that? What is she thinking? I believe there are ways to get passion back in to the relationship. She should want to try that! Ask her to explain this decision to your children...see if she wants to do it then. I am so sorry.
Bryanp Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 She is playing you for a total fool and you know it. You would have to be a total masochist to accept this. You need to contact an attorney to understand your options. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. The fact that you would accept this for 2 years with her flaunting it in your face indicates that you are a doormat and nobody respects a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Do not allow her to continue to humiliate you as a man, spouse and father. Would you tell one of your children who grew up to remain with such a spouse? Your story is revolting. The only thing worse is the fact that you have been accepting this. Enough is enough!
LifesontheUp Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I feel for you flyncycle. Your wife claims to love you but I'm not sure how she can claim its love when she is hurting both you and her family so badly. I'm not sure if you asked her how she would feel if the tables were turned that she would mind anyway. To me she seems so far into the wanting to have her cake and eat it mode that she would probably say go ahead to you. You sound like you want to save the marriage and so I would suggest getting marriage counselling as soon as possible. If she refuses then you have 2 choices left, you either continue to accept this despicable behaviour from her (but please bare in mind that the children will continue to be hurt here too), or you show her the door.
TerriR Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 if it's not ok with you - tell her that it's not ok with you and you won't stand for it. She's irresponsible and selfish for even thinking or asking, but believe it or not, lots of people in affairs think this way. Please respect yourself and if you won't stand for it - DON'T.
heftysmurf Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 And at least on the surface move on. No dates no doing stuff together but be nice. Go have a bit of fun. No talks about the future. No unnecessary talk. Seem uninterested. Show her what it is like not to have you.
brothermartin Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 All the other post were very good advice, but now it's time to get real. MAN UP! Your letting this woman walk all over you and your children! For what!?? So she can have her little flings on the side while you sit home and take care of the kids?!! NO F**KING WAY MAN!!! Check your self-esteem! I hate to sound like a pr**k but it sounds like this marriage is done. She cheated on you, admitted to cheating, and plans to CONTINUE CHEATING??!! What's to work on?! I'm really sorry for your pain man, but if I were you, I would keep divorce and full custody of the children as an option.
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