reelwoman Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 OK, I am considering getting back together with my ex....we split up last spring and both got into relationships with other people, which we've now ended ( not to be together, for other reasons). We had a lot of issues when we were together, enough to make me unsure if there's any point in trying again other than that we just seem to be crazy about each other. One thing I never worried about was that he would cheat on me. But now for some reason I am obsessed with this possibility. There are 2 reasons---the first is the way he got together with his (now ex-)girlfriend. She was dating a good friend of his, and came on to him and he went for it! That really freaks me out---not only would I never come on to a boyfriend's friend (can you say "tacky"?!), but I would never go for it if a friend's date came on to me. No way. So that really changed the way I feel about my ex in terms of respecting him. He's kind of shy and insecure and I think he felt really flattered because she's much younger than he is and they guy she dumped for him is younger, has more $, better looking ( by conventional standards), etc, and it's like he couldn't believe anyone would choose him....but still, who does that? The other thing is that he and I have been hanging out, in a group, and one night he gave me a ride home and was hugging me and telling me he still loves me, and trying to kiss me--I wouldnt let him kiss me but we were hugging and holding hands....I don't feel good about doing even that when we were both seeing other people, but I feel like if he was willing to do that to his girlfriend with me, why wouldnt he do the same thing TO me? I've polled my friends and most people have said they think he acted that way specifically with me because he does love me, but I don't know if I buy that. I just feel like I can't trust him now, and I don't know whether this is valid or not. He told a mutual friend that he broke up with his girlfriend because he realized that he was still in love with me, but he and I haven't even really talked about it yet, because he's been out of town since that happened. Honestly, what do y'all think? In some way I wonder if I'm making up reasons not to give things another try because the real reasons are so complicated and difficult---just not really sure if he's the right guy for me. But I have NO experience with cheating---never done it and never had it done to me (well, as far as I know! --so I don't know if I'm overreacting. thanks!
Jilly Bean Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I think it's a very valid concern. He seems to overlap and jump from relationship to relationship with little regard for anyone. I stay far away from people like this.
Author reelwoman Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 thanks for replying---I'm concerned about this too. I don't think he's a bad person, but he just seems to drift in whatever direction appeals to him at the moment, whatever is the path of least resistance. This does not strike me as a viable life strategy! I am very confused because I do have very strong feelings for him, and I don't know if my expectations are too high.
Jilly Bean Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 There are some people who just can't be alone. They will bounce from relationship to relationship, with no healing time in between, and no real closure with anyone. He just sounds like this type of person... I don't think your expectations are too high, because I think you can find someone who mirrors your views and goals. This guy just ain't it...
spookie Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I think you have valid reasons to be concerned. I'd be feeling the same way you are. Cheating is an ethical issue that has nothing to do with love IMO. It's not honoring your commitments and deceiving someone. If he is able to do that, who he's doing it to is irrelevant IMO. Tread with caution.
Author reelwoman Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 thanks, at least I know I am not inventing problems, which I sometimes do. I think cheating is also an ethical issue and has nothing to do with being so in love you cant' control yourself blah blah blah. My friends think it was a situation-specific issue and that it happened because he had such strong feelings for me, but I still think ethics should be more important. I'm curious what the guys think about this issue. A lot of my friends think that I am overreacting about his behavior in terms of getting together with his ( now ex-) girlfriend, and that guys just "have a different code" of behavior about dating, that going behind a friend's back isn't such a big deal as it would be with 2 women friends. I think that's total BS. Can the guys weigh on on these questions? thanks!!
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