elm33 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 (edited) I have been lurking for a while and appreciate all the wisdom this site has to offer so I want to tell my story and see if anyone has any wisdom I can apply! First post.. and its going to be a doozy. In August 06 my job sent me to the Philippines to do some outsourcing work. While there I met a sweet girl and we had an accidental pregnancy. I was excited at the beginning but then the reality set in of what was ahead. The current status on that is my little girl is 6 months old now and we are still fighting with the embassy about her US passport. In the meantime the mother's VISA expires in 3 months. I doubt this will be resolved by then. With that said I came back to the states in Jan. 07. I maintained until May 07. During this time period I started spending some time with a co-worker that I had a loose friendship with. It was intended to be innocent. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of the time and I was lonely. We were just keeping each other company. We would have coffee at lunch. We would laugh and giggle and it just felt so natural. I was always honest and she knew my situation. After about a month of our friendly relations at work I invited her over just to watch some movies at my house. She got there and it wasn't 10 minutes later we were going at it. It was so exciting. It felt so right. After this our lunches graduated to make out sessions at various locations. We spent every free minute together. It was the definition of a whirlwind romance. But then there was always my oversea's situation in the background. My mistress as I guess I will refer to her always said "I don't want to fall for you because I know in the end you will hurt me." She begged me not to "make her love me" but I tried my best anyway. I was totally head over heals for this girl. She hung the moon for me. I connected with her like no one else. Our relationship got ever more serious to the point I even asked her to marry me! Then I sort of backed off a little bit because I realized I needed to figure out what I really needed to do. In the end I knew I had to take care of my daughter. Fast forward to Oct 07. A I scheduled a trip overseas to see my daughter for the first time. This was my main motivation. I explained this to my mistress in detail. I knew it hurt her but I thought she understood I was going to see my little girl. Fast forward to 2 days before my flight. We went out and had a blast at some haunted houses. The next day I had chinese food and received a fortune that said "your luck will change today." and sure enough it did. The night before I flew out she went out on a date with a total stranger she met online. She text me while I was overseas and asked if I was in sleeping with my baby's mother. Ironically I was not because I was heart sick over what had happened. I spent my 2 week trip basically throwing up and being generally ill I was so heart sick. When I got back everything was different. My mistress would not even talk to me hardly anymore. By this time she had transferred to a job at a different location but we still can speak over instant message. I sent her roses which blew up in my face. I called her way too much. Then one monday morning she called and told me she was pregnant by a illegal mexican. I was floored. She said that was the only person she slept with while I was away and that the one nighter had resulted in a pregnancy. I felt like someone killed me inside right there. Since then she came to my house to talk about how freaked out over this she was because the person this happened with is just a kid (21ish) and we are late 20's. He apparently is not pleased about the situation and last I heard she and him were not speaking (this could have changed).. from here we would talk from time to time over instant message and I tried to let her go but I loved her so much. When I arrived back from my trip I had resolved to do what I had to do to keep her regardless of how it effected my other situation. The only thing that was paramount was to make sure my daughter got her citizenship etc. Obviously once I found out she was pregnant by this illegal immigrant my hopes of us building our relation back were dead but I guess I lied to myself. I tried being coy and distant and she was calling me more often and we were getting along better in a "friendish" *sorta* way. Fast forward to christmas. I bought her some gifts just because I still really do care for her. I sent her a message to the effect of " I got you some presents for your son and yourself. Please come open them!" and she responded with "I had a dream about you. Per the dream you suck." .. I looked at the presents they made me want to throw up. I drove to her house and left them on the front porch because even as evil as she was I still wanted her to have them and since I paid for them I did not want to throw them away. She never said thanks. Fast forward to back to work after Christmas. I receive a instant message late one day that says something of no consequence just "I took everyone else off the chat except you from your location because they are all dogs.." no mention of the gifts or I am sorry I am a bitch or any of that. I didn't respond. I have continued no contact since 2 days before Christmas when I received the cruel message. I loved her so much. I have walked around like a dead person for 2 months due to this situation now and still would do almost anything to have her back. We were *SO* close and she just turned it off like a light switch. I cannot believe how totally un-attached she seems. I want to talk to her so bad. She never would even explain to me the why and every time I tried to understand she just turned to stone and became cruel. It hurts so much but I know I have to move on. I just don't even know how. This was the love of my life and I am young @ 29 but I have went out with a lot of people and no one was this exciting or fun and no one turned me on like this girl. I feel dead. I don't know how to proceed other than no contact but I am dying inside even though outwardly I appear to be doing better. Please help me understand the why and the what do I do. What is this girl thinking?!? I was really at this point trying to just be friends with her but she has almost made it totally impossible. Is she trying to hurt me enough so I just hate her or what?!?! New years eve is her birthday and I would like to at least send her a happy birthday text but then I feel so stupid everytime I think about doing that. I don't even know how to talk to her anymore. I feel hurt, betrayed, a sucker, and she is probably laughing at me now. Edited December 30, 2007 by elm33
StillSame Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Um...what about YOUR child's mother...ever thought about marrying her and be a responsible dad and husband?
Author elm33 Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 Yes that was the plan originally. This was never suppose to happen. It just did. It was such a natural progression I didn't even realize it until I was dead in the middle of it and having enjoying the happiest times of my life. When I went back overseas I didn't feel the same way. I love my daughters mother but I am not in love with her. We met under crazy circumstances and then after trying to maintain a 10,000 mile long distance relationship with someone who I have about 1/100th as much in common with as the girl I am sad about now is next to impossible! Plus the grim reality that she is not going to be able to come on her VISA has also set in. I lost everything. I know it sounds ****ty but you can't help who you love and that is a fact as far as my life experience goes. The child was accidental but a happy accident. I send so much money to her all the time. I do the best to take care of them both. But again I cant help but really wish me and the other girl were still together. She meant the world to me. She was amazing. She made me totally happy. Gave me a feeling of serenity that no one else has ever come close to.
norajane Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Does the baby's mother understand that you are in love with someone else? You disappointed the other woman when you asked her to marry you and then backed off. And then she thought you went back to your child's mother. So she slept with someone else, got pregnant, had a child, and is now deep in the middle of her own problems. I'm sorry, but there isn't anything you can do. If she wanted you around, all she has to do is tell you so, and she's not telling you that.
underpants Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 What a mess. Sounds like a classic case of reaping what you sow.
Author elm33 Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 no the baby's mother does not know although I imagine she wonders about it since I was unable to do my duties when I went for a visit a while ago. Concerning the girl I am in love with she is only one month pregnant and yes she has a whole host of problems now because this will be her second child "without a father" .. I loved her so much I probably would have raised the kid as my own. I mean really I just wonder if the pregnancy and the trauma of that (because all she always wanted when we were together was to get married and have a little baby and a stable life) I guess it just all overshadows her issues with me because her plate is suddenly way more full than before. When she came over that one day she was very upset that she would now have 2 children by 2 different people and no father for either... but that is ancillary to the bigger picture of what the **** happened. I was always honest with her. She knew I had a little girl over seas. I stressed that I was just going to see my child. Why did she go out with some loser the night before I flew out? To make me mad? To hurt me? I mean really what purpose did it serve she knew I felt super strong about her.
norajane Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 How does this woman know that you aren't the father of that baby and the online guy is? She had sex with him the night before you left. When was the last time you had sex with her before the trip? A few days? If so, I highly doubt she would have any idea which one of you is the father.
Author elm33 Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 i guess i should have been more clear. She went out with the tool she met online the night before i left. she called me after the date was over etc.. it never amounted to much I think it was only done to make me jealous and angry.. the supposed father of the child happened actually after i got back. she tried to call me several times but i was so upset from my trip and how she had done me that i ignored her. this fella works at the local mexican restaurant which she eats at all the time.. I believe she was angry or didn't care or whatever and had made friends with him via her eating there all the time.. they only went out one time and it was 2 days after i returned from overseas.. I thought the child might be mine too but based on the results of the ultrasound it was conceived after I returned and she claims this guy is the only person she slept with since she was with me so that would make the child to be his.
underpants Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Do you not find it the slightest bit ironic that you are not being honest with the mother of your child and yet you are questioning the honesty/motives of the woman with whom you (cheated with/betrayed/lied to) ??? Is it all about you?
Author elm33 Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 (edited) No I do not. I never meant for this to happen. It is unfortunate that the people who have read this thread cannot see past the nature of the relationship and how it may impact other things. I posted this because regardless of how wrong it was etc the facts remain that I care deeply for this woman and I would have sold my soul for her. Perhaps you have never felt that kind of connection? When it feels like that it really overshadows all sanity and reasonable thinking you know. That is what love is made of, and that is why its so hard to let it go. Is it all about me? It was about us. It is about us. Of course the feelings I have right now are directly impacting me. I am mildly amused that I posted this seeking advice for getting over this and moving on and instead you can only judge me. If you have ever been *madly* in love with someone then judgement does not apply at that point. At least if you are human anyway. Edited December 30, 2007 by elm33
underpants Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I never meant for this to happen. You made a conscious choice. I posted this because regardless of how wrong it was etc the facts remain that I care deeply for this woman and I would have sold my soul for her. So, it was wrong? Perhaps you have never felt that kind of connection? When it feels like that it really overshadows all sanity and reasonable thinking you know. That is what love is made of, and that is why its so hard to let it go. So, by your logic...love is overshadows all sanity and reasonable thinking? Is it all about me? It was about us. It is about us. Of course the feelings I have right now are directly impacting me. Thus, right now...all about you. How is your child? When did you last see her. Have you told your child's mom your thoughts and feelings? Hey, I am not trying to offend you or pass judgement on you. I was taking a moment to objectively state my thoughts. No, I am not emotionally involved in your relationships. I spotted a contradictory train of thought and chose to bring it to your attention. Good luck in reasoning your way through this.
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