Lost Student Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Okay, here is the story - I have been very insecure regarding my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. He previously dated this girl for around 2-2.5 years. And the thing is the girl was extremely trashy - she was a community college drop out - had no education or skills, and worked a minimum wage job as a cashier. I have seen pictures of her, and her appearance can be described as nothing but completely bizarre. She had frizzy hair with terrible roots exposed, and her hair was actually dyed pink. She dressed horribly with no sense of fashion or style whatsoever, and her skin was full of acne. Not to be mean but she was extremely ugly - she looked like a total freak, and the type of woman most men would run away from. My boyfriend dated her when he was in his mid-20's, and she was in her late teens. Despite her young age, I think she also had some additional developmental issues, as it sounds like she was very immature and had a strange interest in cartoons, which I think should have been targeted to elementary age children. I can't seem to get rid of these nagging feelings that wonder if something must be wrong with my boyfriend for having dated a person like this. I mean I can't imagine how someone in his mid-20's wouldn't recognize how strange and abnormal a person like that is. I think he just shows his complete lack of standards, and it leaves me wondering what that says about me? In comparison, my boyfriend is good looking and well educated (he is a PhD student). I am sure he could have dated much more beautiful women with more of a future ahead of them. In fact I think I would be less insecure if he had dated nothing but gorgeous models but I don't know how to handle something way below standard. It'd be one thing if he admitted to going through a period of really low self-esteem or something and if he's come to realize what type of mistake he made - But the problem is that to date, he still doesn't realize how abnormally strange/unattractive his ex-girlfriend was. From conversations with him, he seems to think that I am just being a total snob and that all people are equal, and apparently he also thinks that there is no difference between his ex and me. I am also a PhD student, and I have a really bright future and career ahead of me. I always take good care of my skin/hair, and try to keep my appearance and clothes looking polished and pulled together. Why can't he see the difference between me and a person like his ex? What is really driving me crazy is that he took his ex to meet his parents and friends but has been unable to introduce me to them. I just feel so insecure and frustrated by his inability to notice the difference between us. Do you think I am overreacting and blowing things out of proportion, or that I am just being a total snob? How would you deal with this situation, and do you think it is worthwhile to continue in a relationship like this?
EYECANDY000 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Looks arent everything! maybe your bf and her had a much deeper connection beyond the looks. Also, it just comes second nature to criticize you guys ex. Im just wondering if she is so ugly, and uneducated why are you so jealous of her?
LovesDog Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 let it go...he is with you, right? i wouldn't even worry about it, because it probably is pissing him off that you dwell on it. be happy that he is with you and let the poor guy move on from his past.
Author Lost Student Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 I am jealous because she was introduced to his family/friends but I haven't been. But I just think at least one should be able to see the differences in appearance/education between people. And his inability to differentiate between these things makes me worry.
Legend Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I am jealous because she was introduced to his family/friends but I haven't been. But I just think at least one should be able to see the differences in appearance/education between people. And his inability to differentiate between these things makes me worry. Give it time. You don't want to rush things to only have them fall apart.
Dynamo Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I am jealous because she was introduced to his family/friends but I haven't been. But I just think at least one should be able to see the differences in appearance/education between people. And his inability to differentiate between these things makes me worry. Worry about what? That he's not shallow concerning looks or education? Like someone else mentioned, he could have had a deeper connection with her. Don't worry about it. Hes with you now, not her.
compassion42 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Honestly, I do think you are being a little superficial. There is more to a person than their exterior appearance. I would definately stop dwelling on the past and focus on the here and now. How long have you been dating him? I bet in time he will be ready to introduce you to the parents....no need to rush!
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I don't mean to be a downer, but I think you are being snobby. Why does it matter that she's a "community-college drop out"? What does a piece of paper have to do with a person's intelligence? I used to work as a housekeeper in a hotel and met several housekeepers that were more intelligent or at least on the same level of intelligence as students that I've met. It doesn't make a difference. In fact, one of my best friends used to be a housekeeper; she came from Russia and struggled to learn English but has learned English very well, all things considered, since moving to the States. I think she is extremely intelligent even though she only has a high school education back in Russia. She is now 46 and knows a lot more than many people I know. That doesn't make her better than anyone, nor does it make her worse. Why do you feel the need to tell people you have a PHD? It seems to me that you are insecure about yourself and need to tell people about this in order to make yourself appear better than this other girl. Her looks may not have been top, but in my opinion, it shows that your boyfriend was able to look beyond looks. If he was able to date gorgeous models and went with someone that is not as pretty as a model but instead he personally liked, I think that says a lot about his personality and how open-minded he is.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I don't mean to be a downer, but I think you are being snobby. Why does it matter that she's a "community-college drop out"? What does a piece of paper have to do with a person's intelligence? I used to work as a housekeeper in a hotel and met several housekeepers that were more intelligent or at least on the same level of intelligence as students that I've met. It doesn't make a difference. In fact, one of my best friends used to be a housekeeper; she came from Russia and struggled to learn English but has learned English very well, all things considered, since moving to the States. I think she is extremely intelligent even though she only has a high school education back in Russia. She is now 46 and knows a lot more than many people I know. That doesn't make her better than anyone, nor does it make her worse. Why do you feel the need to tell people you have a PHD? It seems to me that you are insecure about yourself and need to tell people about this in order to make yourself appear better than this other girl. Her looks may not have been top, but in my opinion, it shows that your boyfriend was able to look beyond looks. If he was able to date gorgeous models and went with someone that is not as pretty as a model but instead he personally liked, I think that says a lot about his personality and how open-minded he is. I agree 100 % I couldnt have worded it better myself
Jilly Bean Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 And the thing is the girl was extremely trashy - she was a community college drop out - had no education or skills, and worked a minimum wage job as a cashier. I have seen pictures of her, and her appearance can be described as nothing but completely bizarre. She had frizzy hair with terrible roots exposed, and her hair was actually dyed pink. She dressed horribly with no sense of fashion or style whatsoever, and her skin was full of acne. Not to be mean but she was extremely ugly - she looked like a total freak, and the type of woman most men would run away from. LMAO! Sorry, but that was the funniest new gf take-down of the ex I ever heard. I dunno, I certainly have not been too fond of any of my guys ex's, but I also never went to the point of trashing them so badly, nor feeling the need to feel superior. Thing is, you are not insecure by his "inability to notice the difference between you." You are worried that since he loved someone who was not externally lovely, nor educated, nor worldly, that means he loved her for HER and how she treated him and made him feel. He loved her for her INNER beauty. You are worried you can never measure up to the PERSON she was, since you are concerned he will find out you lack this critical piece.
ahah2322 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 are you too insecure? probably... i also think you're snobbish.
melodicmaybe Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 You're upset because you're a better person that her right? You're prettier, better educated, more fashionable -- so how could anyone you're interested in possibly lower himself enough to go slumming with 'that' sort of people? He must have been dealing with some self-loathing issues, right? Because looks and money and status are the most important things in how compatible two people are. And she's so beneath you - I mean him. So yeah, I think you're being a bit of a b*tchy snob about this. :| You think you're better than this person, and so it's p*ssing you off that his level of commitment to you isn't flying above and beyond what it was with her -- ie taking you to see his parents. And you know what -- you might possibly be a better person than her -- you haven't made any mention of what her personality was like so you might well be a better person. But the fact that you're putting her down in such a petty and superficial way does say a lot about your personality. Quit name-calling and acting like a child and deal with the real issue. Your boyfriend isn't moving forward as fast or in exactly the way that you feel he should. Focusing all this ire on his eccentric ex-girlfriend is just a cover for that.
melodicmaybe Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 And by the way -- just because she likes cartoons doesn't make her a weirdo. Look at films like Grave of the Fireflies, Perfect Blue, or Voices from a Distant Star. There's more to cartoons than just Scooby Doo. Animation is an art form.
MystifiedByMen Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Thing is, you are not insecure by his "inability to notice the difference between you." You are worried that since he loved someone who was not externally lovely, nor educated, nor worldly, that means he loved her for HER and how she treated him and made him feel. He loved her for her INNER beauty. You are worried you can never measure up to the PERSON she was, since you are concerned he will find out you lack this critical piece. I think you hit it dead on here.
MystifiedByMen Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 And by the way -- just because she likes cartoons doesn't make her a weirdo. Look at films like Grave of the Fireflies, Perfect Blue, or Voices from a Distant Star. There's more to cartoons than just Scooby Doo. Animation is an art form. HAHA! I love to watch cartoons in the morning in bed while I drink my coffee. I always watch spongebob and my boyfriend thought it was kinda strange at first but now he’s into it. He's starting to get into it and says he watches Spongebob before work at his place when I'm not there now. That's so cute! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm a big nerd!
Julie89 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I am also a PhD student, and I have a really bright future and career ahead of me. I always take good care of my skin/hair, and try to keep my appearance and clothes looking polished and pulled together. Why can't he see the difference between me and a person like his ex? yeah yeah yeah... Ugh you're superficial and that makes you immature in my eyes(not that im the most mature person in the world some of you people know:)) but you get my point... and again ugh!!! i work in a supermarket and that doenst make me a failure(jeez im paying for my own studies) beauty is within you not outside you (did i said that right? lol)
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