wishful Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 my husband moved out, and i'm trying to deal. i've read that not asking questions is a big plus. the one thing that really sets me off is feeling like i'm being lied to. my husband used to be more open with me, but has just gone off into the twilight zone, and is acting like something from outer space. he's taken to being really secretive, and talking about double lives, and saying he likes being secretive, and how he's trying to protect himself, etc. it's all out of the bounds of normal behavior, and is just creeping me out. and it totally plays into making me more nervous and insecure. any advice on the secrecy and lying thing?
redblack66 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 my husband moved out, and i'm trying to deal. i've read that not asking questions is a big plus. the one thing that really sets me off is feeling like i'm being lied to. my husband used to be more open with me, but has just gone off into the twilight zone, and is acting like something from outer space. he's taken to being really secretive, and talking about double lives, and saying he likes being secretive, and how he's trying to protect himself, etc. it's all out of the bounds of normal behavior, and is just creeping me out. and it totally plays into making me more nervous and insecure. any advice on the secrecy and lying thing? Wow, is he entering midlife crisis? I really don't know what to say. Don't do the classical stuff: asking, begging, pleading, etc.
norajane Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Is he hiding financial assets from you in connection with the divorce? Is he hiding an affair? Are you saying he sounds mentally unstable?
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Get yourself a good lawyer so you don't get financially taken.
Confused9 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Is it possible he's having an affair? Does he have a history of mental illness?
Author wishful Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 well, i personally think it's a bit mid-life crisis-y. the whole thing i mean. at first i thought we just weren't getting along. but it's getting stranger and stranger. we saw a marriage counselor a few times, and she talked about 'closing the exits.' since the beginning, every time he used to lose his temper, it would always end with a threat of breaking up. now that he moved out, it changed to calling lawyers. so the marriage counselor talked about discontinuing exiting behavior, and focusing on working on things--in that threatening enviroment for me it always felt as if there were a gun to my head. i've only just thought of it today that it was a little after that that all this talk about lying started. so maybe it's a new unconscious way of 'exiting?' i only thought of it because it makes me feel the same uneasy gun to the head feeling. like put up with it or else. i think he was not well treated as a child. he's kind of a smart guy. academic type. analytical, likes philosophy. falls asleep if any emotional encounter happens. i think a fantasy affair is much more possible than a physical one. he has a lot of issues with physical contact and being touched. and i've been in charge of the financials for the last bunch of years, so it wouldn't be so easy to hide that kind of thing now i think. thanks for the responses. your practicalities pull me back into the real world, and it is great to not feel so alone--i'm kind of isolated, so it's been a bit hard.
Author wishful Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 (edited) i'm lately feeling like the secrecy, sneakiness thing is a control thing. he says he used to feel like he had to do it because i made him, but now he just thinks he likes it. my friend says just ignore it, and make it a powerless thing, and it would most likely go away more quickly. i was okay with that for a while. i pictured him picking his nose every time he was trying to do one of the wierd hiding who he was texting stuff, or sneaking off to make phone calls, and that seemed to work for a while. then i got all unsettled at christmas. will try to go back to that. sorry about the heading. i meant to be posting on another thread. Edited December 30, 2007 by wishful meant to post on another thread so had to change
ElvenPriestess Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 There's absolutely no reason for you to even consider putting up with this. Marriage is about being open and honest. And the fact that he likes being the opposite towards you? Yeah, he needs to see someone about that, because no marriage can be healthy in that condition. You can't ignore it. If you do he'll think it's ok and continue doing it.
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 wishful, you're creeping me out with his behaviour and I don't even know him... I agree with ElvenPriestess in that trust and disclosure are necessary components to a good marriage. Once this is lost and one or both parties are into self-protection, what are you trying to salvage? A lifetime of secrecy? If he's having an emotional affair, it won't go away and can easily move to a physical affair, if ignored. Many affairs are displays of exiting behaviour.
Author wishful Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 thanks for the support. it helps to have you guys say you think this is out of bounds. it's my birthday today. he was supposed to spend the day with us, but had to go into work to deal with something. it's only minutes away. so after the kids were done at the park we stopped by, and picked him up to get some ice cream or something. one of his employees, one he's spent the last two weekends shopping with called him. the speaker was loud, so i could hear her. 'hey you!' and he returned the same greeting. 'hey you!' back. she asked him where he was, and he said out getting some lunch, leaving out that he was with me and the kids. it was just kind of creepy and painful. he says he doesn't want his 'friends' to think of us as together. we've always said we were married taking some space, so this is different. i know things will be a lot better tomorrow when it's not my birthday. but for now, just trying to get through the evening. he's supposed to join us and my mom and sister for dinner. we've been spending many hours a day together, but i've been noticing he's nicer when we see less of each other, so i'm gearing up for more of that. thank you so much for just chiming in. it helps so much to hear you out there. and for you to give voice to stuff, which for me is just vague instinct.
Storyrider Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 If his end goal was to be secretive, it seems he wouldn't tell you about it... Maybe he's trying to get a reaction out of you. It sounds like a bid for attention. Like, "I'm hiding! C'mon, look for me! Look for me!!"
Author wishful Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 thanks. i think you're probably right. i'm trying to just pull my participation out of it, and to keep steady. that's a whole other thing. i notice the more i can just find a way to ignore it, the more it settles down. for a while he was being really wierd about texting constantly. and for the periods i can just pretend he's picking his nose or something, he relaxes, and even tells me about what he's doing. all in all, it seems about finding and staying in that sweet, relaxed, undisturbed spot. but that sure is a trick. i guess today i just let myself really sit with feeling lousy. just really indulged it for a while, and it seems to have settled a bit. thanks for answering. not feeling alone is the biggest help!
StillSame Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 one of his employees, one he's spent the last two weekends shopping with called him. the speaker was loud, so i could hear her. 'hey you!' and he returned the same greeting. 'hey you!' back. she asked him where he was, and he said out getting some lunch, leaving out that he was with me and the kids. it was just kind of creepy and painful. Deep down, you already know what's going on. Gather more information to ascertain that there is an affair. With that information, you will be more informed what the next step will be.
Author wishful Posted January 2, 2008 Author Posted January 2, 2008 i know there's something inappropriate. i guess i really believe there's no physical affair. i have to say that in the whole 18 years i've known him, he's had issues over touching. it was almost 2 1/2 years before we ever did more than kissing. although maybe things have changed now. i've seen his cell phone log, and he almost never calls either of the two girls he's been spending time with. mostly a lot of texting. and he swore on the kids lives that nothing is going on behind my back that's related to affairs or anything. i think it's in his head, and he's pushing it as far as he can, while trying to keep his options open. i think he hasn't made a final decision yet, so he's trying to play it both ways as much as possible. he's home maybe 6 out of 7 evenings til 10, midnight or later, and spends plenty of nights here. he usually misses for his weekly management meeting, which has been scheduled the same evening for 7 or more years i think. he's due to show up any minute for the evening and said he'd stay til midnight or later. am doing fairly well for the moment. just got to stay in this steady space.
Author wishful Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 well, things are disintegrating. before he left i used to wish that he would feel the way i did, and that i would understand how he felt. it's not pretty. he basically admitted an emotional affair. a girl he dated in college 20+ years ago. someone he emails. started emailing a couple of months before he left. says he has 'not crossed the line' but feels himself vulnerable to it. something about sharing parts of himself that he thinks i would wish he would share with me, but he just doesn't want to. pretty much when i read these threads, it seems that most of the time there is some outside person involved. at least when one partner just drops the ball, with little desire to try to work it out. our marriage counselor has been out of town for 6 weeks. and he skipped the last one before she left. but seems like he's planning on going this thursday. we can't seem to talk or communicate without a lot of pain. and our whole situation seems to really resemble lonely and tired's heartbroken thread. we still see each other everyday. although the last week has been much shorter visits and disconnected. he seems like it's affecting him too--has not slept for more than a couple of hours at a time, taking to dressing strangely-tibetan clothing, and talking about trying to find spiritual peace. we had 2 'dates' thurs and fri. i just so wish i could figure out what to do and how to be. my kids are having a hard time too. feeling rejected by him. we are all in a very painful limbo.
LakesideDream Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Sounds like "the party's over". You husband may have serious psyche problems. The contacting an 20 past girlfriend is a serious sign. IMO he's reverting to a younger time, a time with fewer responsibilities, and more "fun". If I were you I'd begin dissolving the marriage. The realities of your action may shock him into reality, and out of his Tibetian smocks.
Author wishful Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 well our therapist is back in town. which is a relief. i saw her yesterday, and decribed how things have gotten while she was away. we both see her tonight. she said she'd help me figure out whether he was in it or not. and to figure out boundaries on what is and is not acceptable. i know i can't keep living this way. it's too painful. he hasn't spent the night for a little less than 2 weeks now. i stopped even wanting him to since there is always a backlash. he's always a little extra bitter and mean afterward. i guess i've even started to want to see him less, since i get more grounded, and interactions are painful. but we still see each other everyday. averaging 3-4 hours. i think tonight will clarify whether we're trying to move together or apart. i don't know if he'll choose working on it, or the person he's been emailing, and the office friends he's pretending to be single with. i cried so much yesterday, i think i got dehydrated. now i'm kind of limp and crumpled. i been trying to do sit ups whenever i hit a bad painful spot (gunny's exercise advice) it's been 3 months since he left. i can't believe the distortion of reality this feels like it is. it's so painful, i can't believe it's real. i hope something clarifies tonight. i wish i felt strong enough to stand up for myself. i've never been good at keeping promises to myself. that's hard to live with. i never thought i would have to feel at odds with my husband in this way. even when we fought, i believed in his basic goodness. it just doesn't feel that way anymore. all things things are so hard to carry. well. 10 hours from now, i hope i have some clarity.
Author wishful Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 just not doing so well. reality sinking in. i just had believed in him so. believed in his goodness. i know nothing physical happened, but it still hurts so. i never thought he would treat me or anyone else this way. i thought he was incapable of it. i thought he would respect me enough to tell me the truth, rather than sneaking around. he says we're working on things. trying to make it work out. that it would be best if we could be together. and that he is a liar. and that wants and desires are before what's right. and that he is protecting her from me in some way. i don't want to do anything to her. it's not her fault. he says that he has not crossed the line. i don't know what any of it means. i am so wrecked by the 20 questions game. just feeling destroyed. i hope the therapist can help tonight. i know the truth has got to be better than this nightmare place.
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