wishful Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 i've been separated 2 1/2 months now. my husband of 15 years moved out, but we are still trying to work on things. we see each other everyday, and go on dates--it is all so hard and painful. i was doing better at first, but now i find myself doing all kinds of things i know are not beneficial--crying, pleading, seeming needy or jealous. all the classic stuff. so if you mess up and have an awful 8-12 hours or so, how do you rebalance and recover. christmas was so hard. i just melted down. and new years is my birthday. i try to focus on things i'm currently thankful for. i read the christian carter stuff, and self help books. i'm just getting a little overwhelmed with the passing days. there was a company party last night, and he was supposed to go, but wouldn't go with me. he said for a while he didn't really want to go, but the thought of being there with me really seemed to set him off. so we went by early to do some of the setup he was assigned--he's pretty much head of the company after the owner, so i helped him carry in the refreshments he had picked up, and we took off, had dinner, then wandered around barnes and noble for a while. it felt so awful that it seemed like he didn't want anyone to see us together. he swore on the kids' lives that nothing creepy was going on behind my back--flirtations of something, and i know he takes that kind of oath very seriously. maybe there is something less than overt going on. i don't know. i just watch myself doing all kinds of things i wish i wasn't doing. asking questions, when a more cheerful, happy attitude would help. he says he's trying to create a life where i can never hurt him again. my clarity on what hurts him is a little rough--he's not much of a talker. all the relationship talks really kill everything, and i wish i could find some driving focus to keep me from crash and burning.
sumdude Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 (edited) It's not easy and the holidays will throw you for a loop.. they did to me and it's been almost a year. Best thing you can do is focus more on yourself than the relationship right now. Yes it's a challenge but a must. Find new things to do on your own, join a book club or something like that. Extend your network of freinds and find a lot of time to spend with friends and family you already have. Find ways to have fun on your own or with others. Hobbies, art projects, something you've always wanted to try but didn't. Maybe volunteering to help others. Prove to yourself that whatever happens you can be OK on your own. He'll notice too. Then when you see him you'll have something else to talk about. So many times talking about the relationship actually makes things worse because you're focusing on the past and what happened to get where you are rather than focusing on now. Right now is a time to renovate your life and hope that in the process it might renovate your marriage. Make yourself feel good about yourself. Get in shape, exercise does wonders for the mood and you reap the benefits of a better self image. Edited December 30, 2007 by sumdude
Author wishful Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 thanks sumdude. that sounds really right. i don't know what comes over me. i get sort of overwhelmed by the feeling like this is that last christmas, or holiday. the moving out thing seemed sudden. we hadn't been getting along, but it seemed a far cry from starting to think about divorce, which has also been mentioned now, inspite of the current plan to try to work things out. the marriage counselor calls my husband 'conflicted' and 'ambivelant.' we say we're working on this, but he's often trying to doomsday the whole thing. his description of the whole thing is that if it's going from 1 to 10, he sort of jumped from 2 to 10 and skipped all the steps inbetween by feeling like he was trying so hard, and feeling hopeless. he won't say 'i love you' or kiss me anymore, although he does hug me. and it's a whole bunch of the 'i love you i'm not in love with you stuff.' it makes the blood in my head pound, and i get all unsteady.
norajane Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Back off from him for a while. Maybe he needs for you to back away from him in order for him to realize what he has to lose. While you beg and plead and are constantly there, he is only focusing on whatever the negatives are for him. Alone, he might start remembering the positives of being together and start thinking he needs to try to win YOU over, and do the hard work to get your marriage back on track. Are you certain there is no infidelity involved?
Gunny376 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 Get your "Happy Azz" busy living YOUR life? Or get your "Happy Azz" busy DYING! JUST THAT PLAIN! JUST THAT SIMPLE! The time to get real about your life? Is right here and right now! I just lost my Best friend in the World to a a freaking brain tumor! Cancer (I hate the word!) Hell! I haven't any problems!
Gunny376 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 The frist thing you need to be doing is getting on a exercise program. Go for a walk, getting the body moving! You need to exercise yourself physically! You need to exhaust your body physically ~ the rest? Emotionaly, psychologically will take care of itself! Push yourself! You'll be too tired to worn out to think of the ex! One of the most stressful times I ever went through? Was Marine bootcamp? But you know what? I NEVER had problems worrying nor with falling asleep!
Author wishful Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 thank you so much for responding! the hardest thing, i guess is i'm more isolated than most people i know or observe and the therapist counselor person is out of town for 5 weeks. i was seeing her individually which really seemed to help--and we both saw her for a while--which also seemed really beneficial--it's a long drive, and we were almost always closer on the way back. i'd been doing pretty well, but had a horrible backslide at christmas. the first two weeks after he left, i still wanted us together, but the space really let me feel like myself for the first time in so long. this angry resentful person wasn't seething at me anymore. and i could appreciated the good things about him. i think i was doing okay until a little before christmas. then all the 'separateness' became more pronounced, as i was excluded from activities we would normally do together.
Author wishful Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 i really agree with all the get a life advice. although my next stage of plans are set for after the new year, and after the kids start school again. guitar lessons, tai chi, yoga, painting. all stuff i've been interested in anyway. and trying to progress on the textile arts stuff i do on the side. i really suck a lot more than most people i've ever met at obsessing about this kind of thing. i think my dislike of that part of me, and trying to resist it makes it worse, but i'm still trying. luckily i've got a great therapist, and she said just be uncomfortable. so i try to remember that. and i try to remember not to act on the uncomfortable emotions. but it's a hard habit to break. the thing i hate most of all is doing things when i KNOW they're detrimental. thanks everyone. feeling a connection with you guys is so helpful. i've been living in my head way tooo much! and you are all so matter of fact. it helps me 'get it' more than listening to just myself.
Gunny376 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 i really agree with all the get a life advice. although my next stage of plans are set for after the new year, and after the kids start school again. guitar lessons, tai chi, yoga, painting. all stuff i've been interested in anyway. and trying to progress on the textile arts stuff i do on the side. i really suck a lot more than most people i've ever met at obsessing about this kind of thing. i think my dislike of that part of me, and trying to resist it makes it worse, but i'm still trying. luckily i've got a great therapist, and she said just be uncomfortable. so i try to remember that. and i try to remember not to act on the uncomfortable emotions. but it's a hard habit to break. the thing i hate most of all is doing things when i KNOW they're detrimental. thanks everyone. feeling a connection with you guys is so helpful. i've been living in my head way tooo much! and you are all so matter of fact. it helps me 'get it' more than listening to just myself. That's what I'm talking about! Get your "Happy~ass to living! Or get your "Happy~Azz" to dying! Live your Life for Yourself! SemperFi! Carry On!
sedgwick Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 gunny, you make me laugh. i picture you looking like harvey on celebrity fit club.
Author wishful Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 oh god. i did it again. anyway, these are some rules someone posted a while ago, which i cut and pasted. i see the wisdom in them. just can't seem to follow when triggered. [sIZE=2]Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!2. No frequent phone calls3. Do not point out good points in marriage4. Do not follow him around the house5. Do not encourage talk about the future6. Do not ask for help from family members7. Do not ask for reassurances8. Do not buy gifts 9.Do not schedule dates together10. Do not spy on spouse11. Do not say "I Love You"12. Act as if you are moving on with your life13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)21. Never lose your cool22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes You need to print these off and read them a minimum of five time a day until you've got it down verbaitm. Why? Average human retention = 20%. Five times 20% = 100%. These are not absolute rules. Some days you apply some of them, other days you apply others. Other days? You apply all of them! You've got to become "fluid" with all of this. Actions speak louder than words, do not maginfy the words ~ but understand what the words she speaks mean. And you must seek and obtain "balance" as ilmw has and did through all of this. I believe that most of your problems is not with another man, nor with the sisters back home ~ but with you! [/sIZE]
SYRACUSE03 Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 wishful...its from Michelle Weiner-Davis' book Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy.
Author wishful Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 thanks syracuse. i should give the whole book a look over. really did badly today. we said a few days ago things were defined as we're married, but he's taking some space to we're separated, but trying to reconcile. and that he wanted to think of himself as free and separated, and for all the people he intereacted with to think of him as separated. it's never felt real before. or as hopeless before. it feels as if my best friend died, or is really gone forever. all the stupid memories and regrets are kind of overwhelming. up to now we've been spending many hours a day together. i don't know what's next, but it feels so dark. just really having a hard time. thanks for the responses. i'm really clutching here.
Gunny376 Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Without going into any depth? You need to discover your own "individualtity" and "idenity" You"re much more than his "woman!"
Gunny376 Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 oh god. i did it again. anyway, these are some rules someone posted a while ago, which i cut and pasted. i see the wisdom in them. just can't seem to follow when triggered. [sIZE=2]Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!2. No frequent phone calls3. Do not point out good points in marriage4. Do not follow him around the house5. Do not encourage talk about the future6. Do not ask for help from family members7. Do not ask for reassurances8. Do not buy gifts 9.Do not schedule dates together10. Do not spy on spouse11. Do not say "I Love You"12. Act as if you are moving on with your life13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)21. Never lose your cool22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes You need to print these off and read them a minimum of five time a day until you've got it down verbaitm. Why? Average human retention = 20%. Five times 20% = 100%. These are not absolute rules. Some days you apply some of them, other days you apply others. Other days? You apply all of them! You've got to become "fluid" with all of this. Actions speak louder than words, do not maginfy the words ~ but understand what the words she speaks mean. And you must seek and obtain "balance" as ilmw has and did through all of this. I believe that most of your problems is not with another man, nor with the sisters back home ~ but with you![/sIZE] Uhhhhhh???? That would have been one of my posts?! And yea! That would be true!
Author wishful Posted January 1, 2008 Author Posted January 1, 2008 thanks gunny, for that contribution. it sure takes some pounding to sink in! new years is my birthday, so i'm pretty sure by tomorrow i'll be more steady. less desparity between wishes/hopes and reality smacking me in the face. yesterday and today have already been better. i guess it finally felt as if the sweet husband i had spent most of those years with had died or was gone. now there is this sort of other person, slightly cruel, who just reminds me of him. i spent more time yesterday thinking about what i wished for myself, and thinking of interactions in the moment. most of the time nowadays, he doesn't bother to be very nice to me. sometimes not even polite. and i've noticed the difference in the way friends speak to me and he does. it makes it easier to not feel as if i'm losing something. another thing that helped was really trying to figure what about situations was triggering me so badly. then thinking about that instead of worrying about the next moment.
Author wishful Posted January 1, 2008 Author Posted January 1, 2008 hey gunny, did you post the stuff about 'indirect speech' and women saying 'fine?' where did that come from? i would love to read it all!
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