Els Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 It is 3.14am, and one of those times that sleep just won't come. I've been with this guy for about a year, with the last few months being semi-LDR (I see him for about a week every month). It will be full-blown LDR in a few months' time, when he goes to another country to further his studies. This transition period is, tbh, quite a sucky situation to be in. Loneliness kicks in at times, as expected, and when it does I'm just plagued with fear and despair about how much worse it WILL be next year. I'll only see him one or two more times (a week each or so) before he leaves, with the next visit being less than a week from now. And I seem to gravitate from being excited and happy about seeing him again, to fretting about it being possibly the last time I'll really be able to spend time with him before he leaves. I don't really know what to do about this. I think it has partly to do with the fact that he IS my end-all, be-all, in the emotional sense. I do have a few groups of friends whom I can hang out with , but I've never really had a 'bff' who understands me completely and vice versa, whom I can share everything with. And this probably stems from the fact that I don't connect well with most girls, and that guy friends just don't do the whole emotional confidante thingy. So, my bf, besides being my bf, ends up being my confidante and best friend. In addition to that, I don't 'play the dating game'. I know the whole soulmate thing is cliched and such, but in him I really feel like I've found my other half -- something I've never really felt for the past 20-odd years. This all goes to explain why I'm not even considering breaking it off until we've tried as hard as we can and find it beyond hope. I don't really know what I'm expecting here. Any suggestions, personal experiences, etc are welcome, I guess. P.S. If you are the type who thinks that ALL LDRs do not work and are fantasy etc etc, please, this is not the place to debate this. This disclaimer is given because, for some reason I've not quite been able to understand, most of my posts here seem to attract such responses, while other threads get along fine.
catrocks Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I felt the same way for the couple of weeks before my husband (then bf) moved away.... I was so excited to see him, but at the same time didn't want to see him because it was the last time for 4 months or so that I'd see him. Unfortunately, it was inescapable for me, although you could try telling yourself not to think like that because you'll ruin your last week together in who knows how long, and you know it won't be forever, but I was just not that person. We had a great last two weeks together anyway (the last couple of days I was not fun at all!), and off he went. We had no idea when we'd see each other next, nor how long it would be before we could be together in the same country. I was lucky that I was living in an international situation at the time, so most of my friends were in LDRs with exchange students or whatever, so I had a lot of people who understood. If your friends don't then places like this are great because you realise there are sooo many people in similar situations who manage. My advice is to keep busy, make sure you speak to him regularly, and make sure you communicate any doubts or worries you have with him. You need to be able to trust each other or your LDR will be no fun at all. If you get through the next few months/ years, then you will end up being a much stronger couple for it. My husband and I were in our LDR for 2 and a half years. I originally said I wouldn't do it for more than a year. It was difficult and stressful, but it was worth it.
Author Els Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 Wow, catrocks, hats off to you. Being able to do 2.5 years with no end in sight originally... that's about the same as what we'll have to do, assuming I'm strong enough to manage it. I do know many people in LDRs, although I'm not generally close enough to have heartfelt talks with them about it. Unfortunately, that does not help because half of them have either broken up or are on the verge of it. I do trust him completely, and he's given me absolutely no reason not to in the past year. However, that isn't my major issue with the LDR. My main worry is of us drifting apart and one of us eventually realizing that this couldn't go on, and of the loneliness, the lack of intimacy. I would quite objectively classify myself as needy, although hopefully not in a bad, whiny sense, and I'm afraid that I just won't be able to go through with it. Or that he won't, as he's honestly expressed his problems with the distance as well. Which sucks, because should there not be that huge distance ahead of us, I'd say we'd have a darn good chance of making it, and a darn good future too.
TMichaels Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I do trust him completely, and he's given me absolutely no reason not to in the past year. However, that isn't my major issue with the LDR. My main worry is of us drifting apart and one of us eventually realizing that this couldn't go on, and of the loneliness, the lack of intimacy. I would quite objectively classify myself as needy, although hopefully not in a bad, whiny sense, and I'm afraid that I just won't be able to go through with it. Or that he won't, as he's honestly expressed his problems with the distance as well. Which sucks, because should there not be that huge distance ahead of us, I'd say we'd have a darn good chance of making it, and a darn good future too. I can identify with your angst, Elswyth. My BF and I are 3,600 miles apart and see each other if we're lucky 2-3 times a year. The first part of his/my visit I am absolutely ecstatic to be with him. The second half, I start thinking about how little time I have left and it's really hard. I try to psych myself out about it -- reminding myself how much quality time *I am wasting* when we're together feeling forlorn, and that helps a bit. Right now, for example, it's been three months since we were together and I would give anything for one of those "second half" days! However, I also think it's important NOT to deny your feelings -- to pretend that everything is fine for the sake of appearances does nothing except make you more emotional and can give the OP the impression that seeing him or being apart "is no big deal." I do try and minmize my "freakouts" about being apart when we're together, however. Not so much because "guys don't deal well with sobbing women," but because I know my BF is struggling too. I guess what I am saying is that you have to find that balance -- easier said, than done, I know. However, it can be done, if you both are determined and commited to one another. My BF and I have been in a LDR for two years now -- and get this -- the situation is unlikely to change between us for another SEVEN years! Yes, that's right! He has a young daughter that he will not (and should not) leave, and I have aging family member issues that make it mandatory I stay here. In the meantime, we're making the best of it. Lots of IMs, photos, phone calls, surprise packages, greeting cards. And, yes -- there's also lots of lonely days, lonely nights, and occasional thoughts (on my part, not his, bless him!) of "I just don't know is I can do this anymore" (let alone for seven more years!). But, like you, my sweetie has touched my heart in ways no one else ever has. He's been there for me through thick and thin, and as he says: "Baby, it'll be all right, we'll make it. We're tough." Anyway, I don't know if any or all of the above will be helpful... Just my own experience, and my personal take on the joys and frustrations of being in a LDR. Believe, trust, keep the lines of communication open, and try to keep the devil on your shoulder from whispering too loudly in your ear and you'll be fine. All the best, TMichaels
chumly2110 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I learned a long time ago that having someone as your "end all be all" emotionally, physically, socially or whatever is just plain unhealthy for you. You need to have other friends and activities you can be involved in. Otherwise, you are simply in a dependent relationship. This is just my opinion, but one that I have to hold to be true. Be careful and good luck.
THE THRONE Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I learned a long time ago that having someone as your "end all be all" emotionally, physically, socially or whatever is just plain unhealthy for you. You need to have other friends and activities you can be involved in. Otherwise, you are simply in a dependent relationship. This is just my opinion, but one that I have to hold to be true. Be careful and good luck. +1 THE THRONE was going to qoute her saying that but you beat him to the punch.
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