hereandthere Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 She hasn't told me and has hidden from me -- her b/f of ~ 8 months now -- that she's bisexual, but I know for a fact she is. She has a history of cruising bars to pick up men or women -- depending on how she feels that night -- for one-night stands. She tells me she wants to have a child with me. She's untreated bipolar, has a sibling institutionalized for BP (criminal-justice system mental-health facility), has uncontrollable rages and mood swings, hypersexuality / promiscuity, alcoholism and prescription drug abuse (no Rx) (and she has combined booze and pills to the point of nearly killing herself once), and uncontrollable impulses ranging from spending sprees to sudden travel, etc. She's also OCD, with family history. But she refuses treatment. Only grudgingly has she 'accepted' the idea of going in for a full psychiatric evaluation, but without acting on it. What can I do? I've tried being supportive. She's harped on me rather hypocritically about my issues -- I'm on depression meds -- but has ignored her own. She's lied about her sexuality -- the most central aspects in our romantic/sexual relationship -- about being bisexual. I'm not sure I can trust her. How do I broach these subjects? Any reasonable advice is welcome.
Jilly Bean Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I honestly think you might want to get some therapy of your own to understand why you would be with someone like this. Her issues even have issues! I mean really, why are you with someone like this? The problem doesn't lie with her life and problems, I think it lies within you, and why you would pick such a profoundly disturbed and damaged partner.
Author hereandthere Posted December 29, 2007 Author Posted December 29, 2007 I honestly think you might want to get some therapy of your own to understand why you would be with someone like this. Her issues even have issues! I mean really, why are you with someone like this? The problem doesn't lie with her life and problems, I think it lies within you, and why you would pick such a profoundly disturbed and damaged partner. Thanks for the reply. I didn't know these things I describe when we first met. The bisexuality was confirmed just recently. Progressively throughout the relationship I've been seeing and hearing about the classic symptoms of BP and OCD in her. So as you indicated, I'm at the point of deciding, Well, what am I doing here?! I'm in therapy already anyway -- so thanks for that suggestion -- and want peer input here. My personality is such that I tend to look for diamonds in the rough, and seek the good in all people -- until shown otherwise, so to speak. My g/f does have positive qualities; just how do I factor in her issues?
Jilly Bean Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I am sure everyone has some good qualities. But from what you describe, she is a train wreck. I just question why you would want to take on the burden of her mounting problems, when she has indicated she has no intention of seeking treatment. It's one thing to be in a LTR with someone and something tragic occurs, or they develop a mental illness, but it's a whole other to have just started dating someone and stick with it. I dunno - I just am over seeking out people I can fix, or change and have limited interest in high drama. I just don't see the value of staying with someone like her, when there is way too much pathology going on.
jumping-jacks Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 (edited) I'm not doubting your assessment, but I sometimes question if I read into another person too much. I'm not saying thats the case here, but everyone has flaws and symptoms that could relate to physcological diagnosis. Just get out DSM-IV, read, and you will find out you yourself are mentally ill. Kidding aside, I'm saying this because I usually analyze a girl I'm dating way too much too see if there are potential problems. Honestly no one is perfect and evverypone is probably in need of a therapist. There are times when it is clear cut and you have to follow your better judgment and end things before it gets more complicated and turmoiled. Edited December 29, 2007 by jumping-jacks sp
blind_otter Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 How exactly did you diagnose your GF with all these serious mental disorders?Has she been diagnosed by a professional and isn't seeking treatment? If she truely is mentally ill and is not actively seeking support and treatment, you really shouldn't be involved with her. You're just setting yourself up for a lot of heartache and pain.
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 While everyone believes they can save their partners, if you can throw enough love into the mix, it's simply not true. She has to want to save herself and take the necessary action to do so. Until she's willing to do so, you're hitting your head against a brick wall, doing damage to yourself for no reason at all.
Author hereandthere Posted December 29, 2007 Author Posted December 29, 2007 Thank you all for your input. I have an advanced degree in psychology, have done clinical work, and am very familiar with DSM-IV, so I have a very good idea about my g/f's conditions. I think my g/f reads far too little from her behaviors and is unwilling, as often happens in these cases, to connect the dots. Setting aside for the moment (!) her diagnostic classification as bipolar and OCD, based upon repeated exhibition of classic type behaviors, her refusal to seek help after her near-suicide, coupled with her lying to me about her bisexuality, leave me feeling rather uneasy. What else is she hiding? How much more pathological are her condition and deception? I've always been inclined to believe that the truth about others in this situation is often worse than one can imagine or extrapolate, and that is my evaluation and gut, inescapable feeling about her. Do I really want to bother with this dilemma, and find out all there is to know, given what I've already seen? I'm not sure. Who else out there has been in a similar situation? What tips would help?
jumping-jacks Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 It sounds like your gut feeling is right and you should end it. It's difficult to make that decision objectively because there are alot of benefits you would get until it became an issue. But ultimately you are better off now than when things are really involved.
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 Thank you all for your input. I have an advanced degree in psychology, have done clinical work, and am very familiar with DSM-IV, so I have a very good idea about my g/f's conditions. I think my g/f reads far too little from her behaviors and is unwilling, as often happens in these cases, to connect the dots. Setting aside for the moment (!) her diagnostic classification as bipolar and OCD, based upon repeated exhibition of classic type behaviors, her refusal to seek help after her near-suicide, coupled with her lying to me about her bisexuality, leave me feeling rather uneasy. What else is she hiding? How much more pathological are her condition and deception? I've always been inclined to believe that the truth about others in this situation is often worse than one can imagine or extrapolate, and that is my evaluation and gut, inescapable feeling about her. Do I really want to bother with this dilemma, and find out all there is to know, given what I've already seen? I'm not sure. Who else out there has been in a similar situation? What tips would help? Then as a professional, you also know that you can't help her, until she owns her behaviour and wants help.
4givrnt4gtr Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 Thank you all for your input. I have an advanced degree in psychology, have done clinical work, and am very familiar with DSM-IV ......and you're still considering staying with this woman?!?! even without all those degreeds and clinical work, common sense tells you that the last thing that woman you're with is capable of/needs is a romantic relationship. Do her and yourself a favor, end the relationship and help her get intro treatment ASAP!
Author hereandthere Posted December 30, 2007 Author Posted December 30, 2007 Thanks for the input, folks. Yes, even with -- and more to the point, probably because of -- my background in psychology I considered staying with this person. From my knowledge of the human condition, I know we all have issues of one sort or another. The question is facing up to them. And she hasn't, and it's taken some time to see that. And she hasn't owned up to her bisexuality as well, in what is ostensibly a straight heterosexual relationship. And even if she eventually gets the help she needs, I'm not quite sure I want to be with her, for a whole host of reasons. Being deceived by someone acting somewhat insufferably on top of that, is right up there on the list. And I posted here simply to express and air out my feelings about this romantic (read: nonprofessional; personal) matter, and to get input from peers, which I have gotten, thank you all. It's hard to be dispassionate about a passionate relationship one is involved in. Having professional expertise doesn't mean I can't benefit from peer input; to the contrary, the input makes for a more informed decision. I don't consider this discussion here closed; anyone else is free to make suggestions or observations.
rosalie Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I honestly think you might want to get some therapy of your own to understand why you would be with someone like this. Her issues even have issues! I mean really, why are you with someone like this? The problem doesn't lie with her life and problems, I think it lies within you, and why you would pick such a profoundly disturbed and damaged partner. Maybe because he's a nice guy and has feelings for her despite her illness? That's such an ignorant post though I appreciate your mis-intention. I think hereandthere needs to look after himself and encourage his girlfriend to get professional help without sacrificing his own needs and battles but not to write her off like as "someone like that" hereandthere, you've a degree in psych so you have an understanding of mental illness and you seem to appreciate not branding people. You'll also know there is a limit to what you can do to help her. Encourage her to seek professional help and get a proper diagnosis. You know that genetics can play a part but doesn't always but do what you can without sacrificing your own health - you know that it's ultimately up to her and whether she does get help or not is not ultimately up to you. It's all about our own choices. You know all about "projection" too... remember that - the best thing you can do for you and for her is too look after you. Let us know how you go.
Author hereandthere Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 Maybe because he's a nice guy and has feelings for her despite her illness? That's such an ignorant post though I appreciate your mis-intention. I think hereandthere needs to look after himself and encourage his girlfriend to get professional help without sacrificing his own needs and battles but not to write her off like as "someone like that" hereandthere, you've a degree in psych so you have an understanding of mental illness and you seem to appreciate not branding people. You'll also know there is a limit to what you can do to help her. Encourage her to seek professional help and get a proper diagnosis. You know that genetics can play a part but doesn't always but do what you can without sacrificing your own health - you know that it's ultimately up to her and whether she does get help or not is not ultimately up to you. It's all about our own choices. You know all about "projection" too... remember that - the best thing you can do for you and for her is too look after you. Let us know how you go. Thanks for the insight, Rosalie. I am a big humanist, and have always wanted people to see me for who I am without the 'depression' label, so I try to do the same with others. I've been grappling with this issue again today, feeling determined yet sad ('Happy New Year'). Yesterday when I was with the g/f she asked me what the matter was, if it was the issue of her not getting a full psychiatric evaluation (with a sneer in her tone), and I explained that that was just part of it. I explained I was wanting to sit down and speak with her after New Year's, and she got somewhat upset because she thought I at least wanted a break -- some time -- apart or to break up completely. She also said that just days before she had told her mother she thought I was going to break up with her or similar after New Year's. I replied that what I wanted to do was sit down and have a good talk with her -- but not just about her getting a full psychiatric evaluation. She asked, 'What else?' I just couldn't broach the subject at that moment, about her lying to me about her bisexuality, the deception. I asked her if there was anything that crossed her mind that she might want to talk to me about, or that could possibly be on my mind; the response was essentially, No. I keep trying to give her the opportunity to open up about it, and I've also given her the benefit of a heads-up about a coming talk, and she must be thinking, What does he know? And that's where it is right now. Tonight I'll be spending New Year's Eve with family here, and she with part of hers, visiting in another town. I'll post whatever developments there may be. Please keep the input going; I do appreciate it. Thank you.
Recommended Posts