I am having a hard time

[soft heart]

My ex-boyfriend keeps contacting me and each time he does it I always end up feeling the same. I know that this nothing new under the sun but I just don't know how to cope anymore. I really hope I can get some help here on this board.

 

He broke up with me in March and I am still struggling with it. He told me that the main reason why he broke up with me was that our relationship became long-distance and he was not happy with it. I was really really hurt because he asked me in January to move in where he is now. However, in March he had changed his mind and told me that he is too scared if I do that. So I stayed where I am now.

 

I told him after the break up that the only way for me to move on and to get over this is to cut all contact with him. He was always very upset and he told me that if I do that, I am going to kill all chances for us to be together again. He just could not understand why would I want to stop all contact with him. So each time I say good bye to him, I ignore him, he keeps calling, emailing me telling me how hard it is for him when I don't answer and how scared he is of making a mistake and of loosing me. So I answer becuase I don't have the heart to make it hard for him.

 

About two months ago, I told him that I am going travelling next year for a couple of months. He was a little surprised and I think the idea of me going off alone scared him a little. He came to see me for a weekend and we had a nice weekend but when he was leaving, I felt awful. I felt sick in my stomach as I knew that we are not together anyway. So I told him that I must close the door behind me, he said that it's really sad what I am doing and that it's a shame as we may never be together again. He said he is still thinking of moving where I am.

 

He emailed me again for Xmas even if I told him about a month ago not to contact me unless he has decided to be with me. He did and he told me that he misses me, he thinks of me a lot and he doesn't want me to think that he doesn't want me anymore. I didn't reply. He emailed me again asking me if I got his email. I still didn't reply. He sent me another email telling me he cannot help his feelings but he misses me and thinks of me a lot and he hopes I think of him at least a little. I felt awful not to wish him Merry Xmas back so I answered yesterday morning. I called him but he told me he was getting on the plane to celebrate New Year. I don't know why but I became so upset and I felt hurt. I am feeling insecure about it. I became attacking towards him in my words as I am feeling hurt. I feel like he is telling me he misses me and he thinks of me but at the same time he goes to celebrate New Year with his friends to have fun.

 

He replied and said that there is nothing wrong with that but I told him that I am struggling with the situation. What should I do please? I feel so weak.

[brothermartin]

He needs to understand that this is not all about him. If his constant calling, msging, txting, is hurting you, you need to affirm that with him and make sure he understands that. It sounds like he's being really selfish here and that needs to stop. Besides, HE left YOU . He has no authority to put any demands or restraints on you and what you want now.

[soft heart]

I texted him to let me know what does he want and to be clear as my heart and my head is confused.

 

He has just replied and said: It's getting crazy. Don't worry I will leave you alone as I can see that you take it so badly what was only short email to express what I feel. I would rather force myself not to send you anything as I don't want to justify each time and I will do what you tod me to do and that is not contact you. He said he is sorry for contacting me but I should not blame him as it's not easy for him.

 

So I feel like now he is going away from me again. He says to me that he misses me, he thinks of me a lot, he doesn't want me to think that he doesn't want me anymore and now he is going away again. I realise I was too emotional yesterday because I just find it hard as I want to be with him and I love him but I just find these "come and go" situations so hard to cope with.

 

I asked him if that means that we should go our separate ways and forget. I guess when I told him yesterday that I don't want him to contact me was to protect my feelings!! Am I doing wrong? It hurts to see that he chooses to say good bye to me rather than being with me. :-(

[s_n_d]

It hurts to see that he chooses to say good bye to me rather than being with me. :-(

 

I know how your feeling. I feel the same way right now. We had a few arguments and there was a little clingyness. But that was no good reason to say goodbye to me. It hurts that he chose the easy way out. But with the past hes had i understand that he didnt want to be hurt like his other exs hurt him.

[puffy]

I just saw your thread by chance today and although I have no real interest in continuing giving advice on this board, I'll do an exception for you, because I've known your story from the beginning.

 

I just went through my subscribed threads and found these two that you had started a really long time ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t71135/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77908/

 

The second thread contains this post from you (28th December 2005):

I am feeling so down today. I am actually hurting. It's close to New Year's Eve and I know that he is going to have FUN with his friends and whoever else in Spain. [emphasis mine] He is flying there to see his friends he met in England. He is going to enjoy himself. He will probably have all this fun with different girls and I am sure he will not think of me at all. I am so sad. I am feeling pain because I am here at home. I won't have such a special event as he does. He is enjoying himself. I know that it's good for him but I am having a hard time with this. I feel upset. I feel somehow scared what will be..... he will move on and he will forget me. but what makes me really sad that he will have such a fun.. I'll be at home with my mum because all my other friends from home are with their boyfriends.. I am on my own. I feel like crying. Why did he tell me about it!! I didn't have to know that he is going to celebrate it with his friends.. he is flying there with a guy who is his good friend and I know that they can be quite crazy when they are together... you know what I mean by that I know on the other hand that I cannot stop him anymore. He is not with me anymore and I know that I must accept it that he will never be again.. It's so hard. I am feeling so emotional. Why didn't he love me back? why did he do all these painful things to me?? Why?? So many guys would do so much for being with me but the one I wanted, didn't give me the love I wanted. Why?

 

This is what you wrote this year:

I feel like he is telling me he misses me and he thinks of me but at the same time he goes to celebrate New Year with his friends to have fun [emphasis mine].

 

Don't you think it's time to let him go and look for someone who really loves you? I've tried the "tough love" approach, to which you did not respond very well. I guess, I wouldn't either and looking back I know it was not a very good idea and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings then, but it was really sad seeing how you would just come back to this a**hole, over and over again. I know how it feels to be in love with someone and to have all these hopes. I clung to them for years, till one day I had to admit to myself that the problem was mostly him, not me. Your guy needs someone who plays games with him. He needs someone to chase. He needs the thrill. You are not that kind of person. You want a relationship with someone you can trust and have a meaningful emotional connection. That idiot does not want this. Not for the moment at least. Maybe in a couple of years he is mature enough to understand what love is about and to want it, but for the moment he does not. Stop wasting your time with this idiot.

Edited December 29, 2007 by puffy

[soft heart]

Thanks a lot. I am trying to be as strong as possible. However, I find it to so hard. How can he tell me a week ago that he misses me, he thinks of me a lot, he doesn't want me to think he doesn't want me anymore and now he is pulling away, backing off and is going away? I know I got really emotional in my response to him when he told me he is going away with his friends celebrating New Year but I just find it so confusing.

 

I thought he is having a hard time. I know I was maybe too strong in my messages telling him that he is unfair and he is playing with my feelings because if he missed me like he says, wouldn't he be with me here now?

 

I feel such a fool. I asked him last night if the words meant nothing and if he is going away. and this is his reply:

 

Honestly each time I'm saying something to you, it's wrong even if they are nice things. and after I need spend my time make you feel better. so I won't do it anymore. Sorry but it's too hard. Sorry if I didn't respect what we agreed about not contacting each other, it was very hard for me, that's why I did it. I wasn't playing with you. But I cannot take all this blame and bad words all the time. I'll leave you alone now.

 

I feel so bad now. I know I was not nice back. I know that I should have been kinder and nicer to him but I just find it so hard to know what to do. I know I am mean to him because I am so angry that he emails me to say he thinks of me, he misses me, he hopes I thinmk of him too but at the same time, he goes to have fun.

 

I feel such a fool. I believe everything what he says to me and I feel bad for not replying, I don't want to make him feel bad but in the end, he leaves me again.

 

I just don't understand it. How can he say he misses me one week ago and now he is closing the door? Doesn't he still miss me?

[puffy]

He's an a**hole, that's why he keeps coming back and leaves you again. That's why he plays this whiny game with you. That's why he claims that he cares for you while he cares more about everybody else, just not you.

 

He is guilt-tripping you as always. Withdrawing and making you feel guilty, pretending to be the victim of your moods, because you have hurt his oh-so-fragile feelings. Now you feel like you must have been a bad girl, because you were not nice to him. Well, was he considering your feelings when he broke up with you? What's the consequence when you break up with someone? They will try to move on. Is he stupid or what? Is his IQ too low to understand this? He says he misses you, but you know he is going to have fun. What does this tell you about the depth of his pain? If he wanted you back, all he would have to do was ask. He's not doing it. He likes the way things are.

 

You've posted dozens of emails from him and they are all the same, they all contain the same bullsh*t. I could pull out posts from you from two years ago where he had written the same stuff. "I'm so sorry. It's hard for me, too. I don't want to hurt your feelings and if this is too much for you, then of course I will refrain from contacting you. I just want your best." He probably has these sentences saved in his word processor and just mixes them up a little each time before he sents you another letter. What's the consequence of his pseudo-goodbye-letter? You contact him again. He will act aloof and complain that you are clingy. Or he will say after you were so mean to him he has moved on. How many more times do you want to repeat this?

 

My own advice to you from two years ago:

I can summarize your situation:

 

The moment you stop contacting him, the moment he will pull you back. The moment you give in, the moment he withdraws because he has you where he wants you.

 

It absolutely does not take a rocket scientist to figure this out, the plain truth of your situation is more than obvious. So, what else do you expect people to tell you? More encouragement? For what? To continue blocking him? As far as I see, you block him, then give him, because you think he has changed his opinions, you see he is pulling your strings and then you come back and ask us what you're supposed to do. I've told you a couple of times that when you want to have control over the situation that you need to block him, if you want to improve your position you need to be firm.

 

There are two main things that people will recommend you: Stop contacting him, block him completely from your life and work on your self-esteem issues and everything else will fall into place.

 

Some people are stupid immature a**holes and nothing you do can make them become princes.

 

Block his email. My email provider sends notifications back whenever someone from my block list tries to send me an email; if your email provider does the same forward his emails to another account. Get a new phone number. Get a new mobile phone number. Deinstall your messenger so you will stop pining for him in front of your computer. Do it before the end of this year and start the new one with a clean slate. Don't start the new year with the resolution that everything will become better. Tie up the loose ends you have left before the old year closes and don't look back.

 

I won't answer more of your posts if you can not post something that shows that you are taking anything I say seriously.

Edited December 30, 2007 by puffy

[sedgwick]

Puffy, you could have written all that to me. Thank you.

 

As usual, I totally agree with Brothermartin.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Softheart, go back and read your past posts. This guy has been breaking up with you for two years now. Let him go. For your own sanity, if nothing else. I see no reason whatsoever to keep this guy in your life after he has spent two years breaking up with you. None. He keeps you in a perpetual state of doing the same thing over and over and over, and for whatever reason you seem to think that one day you will get a different result. Its been two years, and the same thing is happening. Again. And again. You have to let this go, unless you want to find yourself posting about this same guy in the breaking up forum two years from now analyzing what he means by needing yet another "break" from you. He won't be what you want him and need you to be. We can't save you from this. The only person who can spring you from this perpetual motion heartbreak is yourself.

[soft heart]

I realise what you are saying. Thanks a lot. I just need to vent here.

 

I am really heartbroken. He has just texted me and said the following:

 

Yes I think it's better if we both move on and forget our situation. It is obviously too hard to deal with. Whatever one of us do it's wrong for the other. Sorry for this and for everything. All the best. Good luck and good bye.

 

I feel so hurt. I feel it's all my fault. I feel that it's because I was too emotional and I was blaming him and I wasn't nice to him. I am so sad, it's so hard, I am crying now.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Softheart, I always felt so bad for you. I still do. Here you are wanting to apologize to a guy who has been breaking your heart for two years(!)

 

You know what he is expecting? He is expecting you to contact him, apologize and then he can continue to treat you the way he has for years now. He is probably counting on it. He is manipulative, and you are like your username - softhearted.

 

I really and truly hope that he is sincere about walking away. I want him to drop off the face of the earth. Not so that you'll be hurt, but so that you will be FREE.

 

The cut that nearly kills you will be the one that frees you. I only hope it sticks this time.

[puffy]

It is not your fault, hon. You only feel so bad, because he has manipulated you. He is scum and he has been doing the same thing over and over again for two years. If you back and read your old threads you would see that he has been playing the same game since the first time that he broke up with you. Look at his emails, do they not sound very similar?

 

You must realize that he is scum and let go of him. If you don't you will always feel regret. When he sees someone else you will blame yourself. If he says it's your fault that he has moved on you will think it's because you stopped contacting him. You must realize, nothing he does has anything to do with you. Haven't you seen it yet, whatever you do, it is and will wrong. You know why? Because you can't be right. You can never do the right thing to keep him, because he does not want what you want, a relationship with one woman, with you. Stop trying to do the right thing to keep him. It does not exist.

Edited December 30, 2007 by puffy

[soft heart]

I am so down. I sent him a message this morning to ask him if he really meant it that we need to move on for good and forget each other. His phone has been switched off the whole day. It is so unsual. He has never done this to me before? Why has he done that. I do realise he is with his friends abroad celebrating New Year and I guess these emotional conversations could spoil his holidays but why has he switched it off on me? Does he hate me so much?

[soft heart]

I thank you all very much for your support. I am trying to be strong about this but it really isn't easy. Especially as he called me about a month ago even if we agreed that he won't contact me. He was telling me how he has regrets about our relationship, how he thinks we should find a solution and try to be properly together. It's really hard especially when he kept telling me since the break up that he doesn't want us to close the door for good, and he was the one against loosing any contact, he was the one who kept telling me that he wants us still to talk to each other. Each time we said good bye to each other, each time he told me that he is so scared of loosing me, he then came back to contact me. What is also so hard is that only a week ago, he sent me this:

 

I cannot say goodbye to you. I am not able to tell you so. I am really not sure that I want to move on and forget you. Sorry to tell you that but it is true. I dont want you to think that I dont want you anymore.

 

I hope you will enjoy your holidays with your family. I wish you a merry christmas. I want you to know that I am thinking a lot about you and I miss you. Hope you're also thinking about me, at least a bit....

 

I guess it has influenced my mind to the extent that I thought maybe it would really be a shame to close the door completely. I know that when I replied to him a couple of days ago, I wasn't nice back. Especially when he told me that he is going to celebrate New Year with his friends abroad. I saw it as him telling me his going to have fun but if he misses me and thinks of me, why doesn't he come to see me. I became blameful towards him and upset. He asked me not to be so upset, that he didn't have bad intentions in his emails but I still continued to be upset and blamed him for not caring about me. And I guess he didn't feel well and sent me this last night:

 

It's better we move on and forget. We tried hard but we were not successful. It's useless to always hope we could manage. We need to be strong and try to find our happiness in our life. I am sorry but I can't hope anymore for us. I wish you all the best.

 

I know that he feels like he couldn't do anything right with me. I blame myself for everything. I know he was still contacting me as he had hopes for us but I destroyed it by blaming him and by giving him upset feelings. I know it's now all my fault. And now he is gone for good I just cannot understand how could he suddenly change his feelings towards me one week later? I know it's hard when I blame him. I guess he will meet a girl, who will make him feel happier and who will give him what a man needs to feel happy I feel like such a huge failure. I am heartbroken as he now closed the door for good and realised that I am really bad and wrong.

[tikster]

you know what?

right now i see that i am going through the EXACT same thing as you. same feelings, everything! same play different actors, ya know. mine has been going on for a year as yours is going on for about two, correct? the last post you wrote is what really struck me. no Do not blame yourself.

like my ex, he broke up with you and i had to realize that after all the bull that he put me through, heck yea i'm not going to trust him when he confesses the depth of his soul to me. i look around at my friends with mostly healthy relationships and they don't have to go through ANY of this back and forth stuff. i finally cut my a-hole off who wants to talk to me like we are still friends. but you know that i lost hope because if he was really serious about loving me he wouldn't let me go that easily every time.

 

what happens is that he professes his love for me, never treats me like he wants to be my boyfriend and then i get emotional and want him some kind of assurance and he takes that as me being impatient and crazy. the way i see it is that if he did care all he had to say to me was lets spend the day together, but he never once asked me out or even bought me flowers. that's how i know

 

get over the a-hole. i know how you feel about the treating him badly when he contacts you, but he's just doing it for an ego stroke. if he wanted you, especially after the mistreatment, every guy knows that alot of effort would need to be made to truly reconcile. and he's not doing that.

[sweet1]

WOW! I am thinking there are a lot of men out there who are the same...I just went NC with my ex the day after Christmas...we dated for a little over 1 year...I've had enough with the games and continuous let-downs and I have enough sense to know that if it was meant to be, then it would be easy and he would WANT to spend some of his freetime with me, that he would WANT to put a smile on my face and surprise me with flowers, that he would WANT to profess his love for me, that he would choose NOT tell lies, that he would choose NOT look at porn because he would know that it's something I don't like, that he would choose NOT go to strip clubs because he would know that it's something I don't like...

 

Well, I didn't win....I gave everything I had, and well, it was just too much!

 

You get my point...when it WORKS, it's easy...it's smooth...there's no conflict...it takes 100% from each side, it's not 50-50...it's SO simple to understand and my life is so much better now that he is out of it.

 

He has been calling me and using stupid excuses..."to see if there is anything I need..." etc, etc....he had known for over 1 year everything I needed and I didn't get it, why in the F***ING world would I need anything from him NOW???

 

All I can say is that there are some people out there who have control issues and ultimately it comes down to real psychological problems that stemmed from childhood...things like that are things YOU cannot change...and don't think they will EVER change them for you. Best thing any of us can do is find someone currently on OUR LEVEL, who wants the same things out of life...it's as simple as that!

 

You'll be SO much happier...just remember, no pain (or sadness) no gain....simple, simple words, said so many times before.

 

 

Something that helped me...get an empty notepad and before bed each night or in the morning when you wake up, start a list of the negative things over the years that he has done to hurt you, keep this list close to you at all times, take it with you in the car, there will be times that you need to skim through it before you may be tempted to answer his call, call him or text him back...this notepad will be your best friend for a few weeks, maybe months if you need it...I know it sounds silly, but it's what helped me, every time I was tempted to write him or answer his calls I referred to it and I got SO p*ssed off, I went from wanting to hear his voice to hating him and wanting to cuss him out...but you cannot contact him AT ALL!!!!

 

Remember: Notepad, list the bad things, carry it with you!

 

If you need something that fits in your purse, get one of those cute little fat notebooks, you can keep that close and it's easily hidden...but it needs to be a notepad, don't make a list on the computer, this needs to be easily accessible so you can refer to it or add to it at any time during the day before it leaves your head, you might be driving down the street and think of something that REALLY upsets you that he may have done, you can add to it as soon as you come to a stop...it works!!!! ...Repetition is the key!

Edited January 3, 2008 by sweet1

[soft heart]

Thank you all for your help!! I really appreciate it. It's so hard not to think that I am the one who caused him to end it for good. It's so hard not to blame myself for being so needy and so emotional and for not being so nice to him. I know he sent me a lovely email for Xmas and my reaction was negative and I blamed him in a bad way that instead of being with me here if he says he misses me, he goes with his friends abroad to celebrate New Year. But I think it is because each time I end up being so confused, each time I am feeling like I am not sure whether he really missses me. I think the whole situation has made me feel so insecure. He was in contact with me, he even told me last month: " Don't you understand, I want to be with you because I love you. But it is not the right time now" He was alwyas the one who got upset with me for wanting to move on and forget. And now he is the one who says that and suddenly he doesnt want to be with me.

 

I worry that he sees me as this unkind, bossy girl, who is not very nice and therefore he said to himself that I am not worth it.

 

I felt so bad, I sent him a message yesterday and asked him if he really means that he wants us to forget it all. He replied:

 

We should both move on now, it's sad but this relationship gave us too much complications. We tried hard but couldn't make it. Maybe we didn't have much luck. If you want to keep in touch I don't mind. All the best and good bye.

 

I just cannot believe that he has really decided to move on. I mean he called me last month saying he wants us to work something out together this year. I just feel so confused.

 

I feel like he really realises that I am a horrible girl, who is needy and insecure and who is not nice to him. I replied:

 

I don't think it is a good idea to keep in touch. Actually to be precise, I am not interested in keeping in contact. I'd appreciate if you could respect that as I want start new life and forget. So do not ever contact me again please, no texts, no emails, nothing.

 

Am I harsh with him? I tried to be as normal as possible but I also need to make it clear that I cannot move on with keeping in contact. I know he will think again I am nasty. But this is the only choice I have. :-(

[puffy]

You are emotional and needy, but that does not mean that his behavior is flawless. I am sure a behavior like his can trigger a lot of insecurities and anxieties in a partner. You still need to get a grip on yourself though. I have a tendency to overreact, too, and I need to get a grip on this, which does not say that there has never been a good reason to have a strong emotion. I often get very anxious when I am emotionally involved and start having a bad feeling about someone or a situation and usually I am right. I try to deny reality and actually try to force the other one to live up to my expectations and it just doesn't work. I get angry, they get angry. My anxiety indicates that something is wrong - they are flakes, a**holes, not interested, etc. - but getting upset is a bad idea. A much healthier way would probably be to recognize that I am getting anxious and trying to resolve it with communication, although I think in every case that this happened to me the best would have been to get out as soon as possible, which I will do next time. Communication is sometimes totally overrated and when my instinct warns me it might be best for me just to get out. Anyway, to make it short, what I mean to say is, exercise a bit more self-control, define the causes that make you so needy and clingy, internal and external ones, and get rid of them. And I can assure you, there will be few people on this board who will side with your boyfriend. How he treats you is not nice. Maybe he does have conflicting feelings for you, but he is imposing them on you instead of trying to resolve on his own or with you. Nothing about this is nice.

 

I hope he won't contact you anymore, although he might when he feels that you are slipping away from him. If he does try to contact you, block him. If he wanted to be with you, he was. If he really cared as much for you as he claimed he did, but had problems with your clinginess he would try to work on this with you together, he would not leave you and try to keep you while looking for fun somewhere else at the same time (it's always not the right time with you, but suddenly it's the right time with someone else - sure).

 

All the best.

Edited January 5, 2008 by puffy
crappy style :D