Separated but hopeful

[CCNWV]

I was looking around the internet for help on getting through a separation and how to go about reconciling things and found this wonderful site. So much informative feedback by people who've "been there, done that". I wanted to throw my situation out there and see if anyone had any insight for me. I realize that all of this won't put me in the best light, but you can't change the past.

 

My wife and I have been together for 7 years now. Up until a year ago my wife had been going through anger control issues stemming from my behaviors and an infidelity early in our relationship (slept with my ex-wife a few months into our relationship) which we have moved past, but she hasn't fully forgiven me for. Her issues with me included being selfish with my time, not respecting her and taking her for granted. For my part, I felt accepted but not wanted like I was before I cheated on her. However I accepted this as reaping what I had sown.

 

Things came to a head a year ago and we decided to go to counseling, both as a couple and her solo for her anger control issues. Unfortunately we chose to go the cheap route and went to the University clinic instead of a professional. The couples counseling was a joke, neither of us wanted to bring up the real issues in front of the other person. The solo counseling resulted in her being put on anti-depressants. The anti-depressants worked at calming her down, but also led to apathy about our relationship and her life. Also without her prodding me to be a better man I became even more self centered and distant from her.

 

What progressed of the last year I would call a gradual break down for my wife. She began to lose control of the household, bills would be overlooked and housework back up. We actually had our water turned off because she forgot about it. If you knew my wife, this would NEVER happen. She was always the most organized person I knew and prided herself on keeping a clean house. Then in November her father passed away from cancer. She didn't take it well, I tried to comfort her but I couldn't get close to her. I found out that she had started an affair with one of her friends after her fathers death. It only lasted two weeks or so until I found out, unfortunately I was a couple days to late prevent them from consummating the relationship at a weekend getaway. The kicker was that I was pushing for her to go that weekend to get a break and get herself together, I just didn't think she would have company.

 

I discovered what was going on through her MySpace page. I confronted her and she fessed up to everything, told me who it was and how long it had been going on. She said it was a stupid lack of judgment and some kind of escapism fantasy she got involved in to deal with her stress. By the end of that conversation she said she needed me to move out to give her time to get her life back together. The next day she made an appointment with a psychiatrist for therapy and to change her medication. She says she doesn't want to be medicated for the rest of her life and she doesn't want to go back to being the rage girl she was before and needs time alone to get back on her feet.

 

I went through the usual phases of begging, pleading and promising to try and keep things together, but eventually acquiesced and agreed to separate. We had discussed how to handle things and agreed to take some time to sort out our own issues and then begin "dating" each other again. My fears were that once I was out of the house I would get the cold shoulder from her and she would start to move on with her life, that she was just letting me down easy so to speak.

 

But I have to say that since I left (been 2 weeks now) we talk more and communicate better than we have in years. We haven't spent as much time together as I would like, but she has been over for dinner twice and it was quality time. We spent Christmas at her moms house. Kind of awkward but they're understanding. She is holding off on sexual relations because she says if we do that she knows she will want me to move back and she isn't ready for that. She feels she needs to have a few therapy sessions first and give time for her new meds to take affect before we start dating.

 

Things feel promising, but I feel very vulnerable. I've forgiven her for the affair. I understand why it happened, the circumstances leading up to it and my actions that contributed to it. But I do have some trust issues now and worry about what she is doing when our son is with me. Intellectually I know the affair is over, but the wounds are still fresh.

 

I realize there are no guarantees in life and we may not get back together. But I know I will grow a lot in this time alone. I need to know (and she does too) that I can live on my own. Between my two marriages I've lived with someone since I was 19. One of my wife's issues is that feels taken for granted and that she is a useful object around the house. I all fairness, I probably have viewed her this way at times. Hopefully this will resolve that issue. I've also sought some counseling of my own as I have suffered from depression before and don't want to go through that again. I apparently have a lot of social dysfunction that I accepted as being normal that I can work on to better myself.

 

Thanks for reading, sorry it turned into a novel. All comments are welcome, it is a support forum after all. But I did have a question or two for those who've been down this road before.

 

1. With the goal of getting back together, are we handling the separation properly? Would we be better off with a while with no, or very limit contact (although that would be much harder for me)?

 

2. To the women out there, does the rationalization behind her affair make sense? Am I right to understand and forgive?

 

3. I know experiences vary and I can't (despite the length) get all the details here, but am I being too hopeful? I realize I could be seeing and believing what I want/need to.

 

 

I look forward to your responses.

[PWSX3]

I heard something interesting yesterday on the radio, they said it takes an average of two years of counseling to do any good in a relationship. Now I don't know if that is correct or not but that is what they said.

 

Have a good counselor makes a big difference & if you can't open up to that person then things won't change.

 

As for her forgiving you for the affair I'm not sure that has been done. I also had an affair on my W over 17 years ago & when we went to counseling that was one of the things she brought up even after all these years & even after she said she had forgiven me for them. Woman just don't forget.

 

It does sound like you could also use this time to better yourself. I was a little like you, I went from living with my folks to living with my W so I never was on my own. When we got married I just expected the W to do what my mom used to do & that just doesn't work anymore, so use this time to do things on your own, then if you do get back together you can help around the house & use that extra time she will have to do things together. If it doesn't work out then you share those gifts with the next person.

 

I feel you should give her the space she is asking for even though you are still doing things together. I would think there are things that you would like to do but really didn't have the time, or you didn't really want to do them because your W didn't want to. That is something I learned is there were things I wanted to do so I would ask the W if she wanted to go & she would say; no not really so then I wouldn't go & be mad at her for not going. What I should have done is go by myself or if I didn't go tell myself it isn't her fault she doesn't want to go & not get mad at her for my decision.

 

It does sound like the two of you still want to make it work so work on what you can change & that is your mistakes, then hopefully she will be doing the same & then you can both work on the relationship together when or if that time comes.

 

It is a lot easier to see fault in others, but once you figure out you have faults it makes it a lot easier to understand why things went sour & those things you can change if you really want to.

[CCNWV]

Thanks for the encouragement. I know it will be a long and uncertain road, but I should come out the better for it either way. I wish I could get off this emotional roller coaster. I swing from hope to despair from day to day depending on her interaction with me. My heart conflicting with my brain. Yesterday was a good day, but today sucked. Been down all day. My counselor says I shouldn't let someone else control how I feel, but I'm not in complete control of myself these days. I love her and it's hard to let go and give her the space she needs.

[CCNWV]

Ok, lets change the title to not so hopeful. I took our son back to the wife's place today and brought a load of laundry to do (don't have facilities at my apartment). We talked for a couple of hours. Apparently she spent a good deal of the weekend with one of her friends and "laid it all out". All the dirt from beginning to end. The friends response was that we should have gone our separate ways years ago and that she would be foolish to try and reconcile things. My wife is now adopting this point of view. She says there has been so much damage over the years we would be better off doing our therapy and then starting fresh with someone new. I gave her all the reasons I had to work on staying a family. I also assured her I was very aware of my shortcomings over the years and planned to work on them. She got upset and mad at me for not realizing these things sooner, before she did something stupid.

 

She still seems conflicted, so she may come around. I'm willing to give her all the time in the world if there is any hope, but it's killing me each day. I just don't want her to make up her mind before she has given time a chance to heal things.

[redblack66]

Ok, lets change the title to not so hopeful. I took our son back to the wife's place today and brought a load of laundry to do (don't have facilities at my apartment). We talked for a couple of hours. Apparently she spent a good deal of the weekend with one of her friends and "laid it all out". All the dirt from beginning to end. The friends response was that we should have gone our separate ways years ago and that she would be foolish to try and reconcile things. My wife is now adopting this point of view.

 

It is unfortunate when friends offer advice when is none of their business.

 

She says there has been so much damage over the years we would be better off doing our therapy and then starting fresh with someone new. I gave her all the reasons I had to work on staying a family.

 

Go back to school and read about relations. Do NOT give any reasons.

 

I also assured her I was very aware of my shortcomings over the years and planned to work on them. She got upset and mad at me for not realizing these things sooner, before she did something stupid.

 

Whatever you say at this stage does not matter that much. You think she believes you? You are just annoying her by offering changes.

 

She still seems conflicted, so she may come around.

Read my thread, not so much to learn from me, but from the advice

I received. She may not, as cruel as it sounds.

 

I'm willing to give her all the time in the world if there is any hope, but it's killing me each day. I just don't want her to make up her mind before she has given time a chance to heal things.

 

She has made up her mind. Just do not ask her to reconsider what she is doing.

Give her time and space and take care of yourself. Do not waste time with her.

[velouria]

First of all, I just want to congratulate you for being a really cool man who is fighting to keep his family together. Actions speak louder than words and your actions show that you have patience and compassion for your wife and that you truly love her in spite of what she has done to you and to your family. However, you like many others, are making a huge mistake in one area.

 

One thing that I read over and over on LS that totally amazes me are people who are willing to accept blame for someone elses shyt behavior.

 

Your wife had the gall to become angry with you and blame you for not realizing that something you did was bothering her before she went out and did something stupid? in what galaxy does that make any sense at all?

 

She's not a puppet on a string. She made her OWN choice, her own poor choices. Did she ever talk to you about it? Did she ever look you in the eye and say, "I'm in pain here, I'm going to do something really destructive if we can't change this?" And she's going outside of your marriage over and over again to find solace or maybe even solutions. First to someone online and then to a friend who told her she should leave you. Why isn't she talking to you about this stuff?

 

I think that you are still reeling and too stunned to be enraged. I'm sorry but it seems to me like you're getting the shaft and you better get your dukes up for your sons benefit if you can't do it for yourself.

 

Life is difficult, stressful and it causes people to act out (affairs) and need medicine and all that kind of stuff-- sure you've made mistakes. But what you may have done was regular stuff. What she did to you was wrong, inexcusable-- out of the ordinary. Maybe in response to some major stressors in her life to be sure but she's not even remotely there as far as realizing the gravity of what she did to you.

 

your wife needs a major wake up call. If she can't see what she has in you then maybe NC would be just the thing. Don't give her to opprotunity to lay anymore of her shyt at your feet. You can think about it this way, if you truly love her, then you want her to be happy and how will she ever be happy if she sucks? Don't let her suck. Hahhahaha!!!

 

Sorry, I'm sleepy and prolly not making a whole lot of sense. I hope this helps.

[PWSX3]

There are three parts to a story, your side, her side, & the real side. When she talked to her "friend" the only thing she told that person was the bad stuff that "you" did or are doing.

Sure her friend wants her to be happy so when she paints you as a bad person then they want to see her happy so they want her out of the relationship.

 

In my situation I got all kinds of suggestions from dump that b*tch to why are things the way they are & what could I do to make them better?

 

I was really lucky because one of my friends that had been thru a divorce 5 years ago would just give me things to think about, she wouldn't "tell" me what to do but just give me some good advice to think about.

 

Your W is going thru the same up & downs as you are, they might be different subjects but just like you there are good days & bad days & she is trying to figure out what the heck she should do because she doesn't know what she wants.

 

Yesterday on the TV I was watching one of those religious stations & they were talking about marriage & it really helped me to hear. Marriage isn't easy, sometimes we need something as serious as a separation to wake us up. I really feel that was the only thing that helped me learn & get on the right track with my W, but I still have a long ways to go.

 

I still feel the NC is a good idea, let her see what it is like without you. Once they start missing you then they start looking past the bad stuff & start looking at the good there was in the relationship.

 

Like others have said, you still need to cover your butt & have your ducks in a row in case she does something crazy. It might not be her idea but her friends could lead her down the wrong path & there is nothing you can do about that.

[CCNWV]

Thanks for the words. It's encouraging to hear from people who've been where I am and either made it work or moved on without much damage. I have to say that this weekend has been the hardest for me yet. The first week after my life was turned upside down was horrible emotionally, but this weekend I was filled with despair and hopelessness. Having stupid self-destructive thoughts that I know are irrational and due to depression. I had my three kids for the weekend (2 from a previous marriage) and on Saturday it hit me that that was my life, working evenings all week and being a weekend dad. I couldn't see how I would ever meet anyone new, let alone a romantic interest. Of course, I can't share these feelings with my wife because she will only think I need her because I can't find anyone else.

 

Velouria, you're right I shouldn't be blaming myself for her actions. She's a grown up and makes her own decisions. I do blame myself for how I've acted over the years, I have caused her a lot of pain. And she did try and tell me, over and over again. Unfortunately, as PWSX3 described, I needed this wake up call to get my head out of my a$$. Honestly, if this hadn't of happened, I doubt I wouldn't have changed. What she's mad about is that I'm realizing it now when she thinks it's too late instead of listening to her the dozens of times before.

 

And your right, I am still reeling and stunned on several different levels. Often this whole situation still seems surreal at times. I know there is anger and outrage building inside for what she did. I just need to find a healthy way to let it out without harming what's left of our relationship. If she thought a separation was best for us she should have sought that, not comfort in another man.

 

I think/hope she still has some mixed feelings, she came over last night and dropped my son off so she could go out for New Years with her sister. We didn't talk any, but hugged each other for a long time before she left. She said she still loved me and did miss me. After she left I laid down for a good cry. On some level I agree that NC would be best, although hurtful at first. I hate the thought of her being lonely and getting back together with the OM.

[smileysmile]

And she did try and tell me, over and over again. Unfortunately, as PWSX3 described, I needed this wake up call to get my head out of my a$$. Honestly, if this hadn't of happened, I doubt I wouldn't have changed. What she's mad about is that I'm realizing it now when she thinks it's too late instead of listening to her the dozens of times before.

 

Hmmm my ex has said this to me and YES they are angry because you are just realizing it now but they now think it is little to late.

 

My ex has said these very words. That she is angry because I never did anything before to change or/and sort it out.

 

Most women give us men so many chances. They really do and are so desparate to see us change as we say we will do so many times.

But ACTION speaks much louder than words.

Not unfulfilled promises.

They are screaming inside with pain. They are bleeding emotional pain.

 

I am afraid you need to be calm and REALLY change whatever you think she needs you to change. So there is no good talking about it. You have to do it for yourself and hopefully over time she will see this.

Complete NC is no good. Otherwise she won't see these changes.

But you do need to give her space.

 

Thay is what I have to do for myself in my situation.

[sumdude]

Just remeber... whatever you do feel responsible for. There were two fo you, both imperfect with flaws. Don't take all the blame.. just your part. I'm sure there were things she could have done differently too.

[CCNWV]

Just an update. Nothing major, but the last few days have been encouraging. We haven't really spent any time together since Monday, but have talked every day and I saw her briefly today. I've made it a point to completely avoid talking about our relationship, keep it to small talk. I'm avoiding "temperature taking" as it only brings up negative thoughts. At the end of one of our calls I was ready to hang up and she said she loved me. This is the girl who always said "I love you too" in response to me saying it. I was shocked to hear it from her lips first. Can't tell you how good I felt after that. Then today I met with her briefly to exchange some items. She gave me two compliments, one on my dress and another on how I groomed my stubbly face. Really caught me off guard and made my day. I feel optimistic, but don't want to set myself up for a fall. Again.

 

Her birthday is this weekend and we planned to do something together, though I don't feel she is 100% comfortable with this. She agreed to go, but I could sense some reservation. I could pass and not do something with her, but I'd hate for her to remember her birthday without me.

[smileysmile]

CCNWV

 

Can I ask a few questions as you seem to have more contact with your spouse than I do.

I think I have limited contact with my STBXW because she is still "hurting" and "angry" with me. Not in the sense that if I rang her she would talk in a nasty way. But they don't really want you around when they are feeling this and they want you to leave them to get on with it. She has her hands full with 13 mth old D and she works 3 full days/week. Mon to Wed.

I see my ex when I pick my D up. And we agreed to be amicable.

This year 2008 I am going to 'change' me for me. I am focusing on the things that drove my wife away. And who knows what is around the corner.

 

Anyway, is you spouse living away from you?

How come you see her so much?

Your wife is saying "I love you"?

Blimey your situation is different from mine.

How come you are S if she says this to you?

You obviously haven't "hurt" her in the same way I have. Emotional minds games I mean.

[CCNWV]

Smiley, my wife and I are currently separated. She does love me, and I her, but she finds living with me very frustrating and has long term resentment issues. Neither of us is seeing anyone else or, to my knowledge, wishes to. She wants to go to her therapy and resolve her resentment issues and wants me to grow up and learn to be a better person and husband. Both of these are individual goals we need to work on while apart. We still see a lot of each other because there is no real hostility between us (usually) and we have a four year old that wants to spend time with both of us.