Ria10 Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I like to be clear and upfront in my relationships... But right now I'm dating multiple guys (for the first time in my life really) and it's kind of stressful for me because I don't know what's expected. When you first start dating somebody, in the early phases, before "the talk", do you generally assume that she's dating multiple people, or do you generally assume that you're the only guy on her horizon? Is it ok if I just lay low and don't bring it up until the guy specifically asks? What if I have one of the guys over for dinner or something, and then the other guy calls while he's there? Is that super awkward, or not a big deal? I'm not physically involved with anybody now, if that makes a difference. Should I make a point of mentioning the fact that I'm seeing other people so he doesn't feel suprised/betrayed, or just wait until he specifically asks so that he doesn't feel like I'm forcing the issue? Two of the guys know that I'm multi-dating, because we've been kind of off and on for a while. One guy doesn't know yet, because we've only been on 2 dates, and the topic just hasn't come up yet. Another guy I just met is probably going to take me out next week. I don't want to multi-date forever... I definitely want to settle into an exclusive relationship, but I just don't know with whom yet. But in the meantime I don't want to be a b**ch about it by keeping them in the dark on one hand, or on the other hand, playing them against each other or otherwise looking like a dork by talking about it if it's not a big deal. What would you do?
D-Lish Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I don't think you have to tell them you are dating others. It's not like you are sleeping with all of them- just dating and enjoying yourself... that's okay to do. Eventually one of them will stand out and you will lose the others. It depends on your age- i am not sure how old you are... but if you are young- there is no reason you should be settling down. Just wondering your situation- young and dating, divorced and dating...just out of a LTR? You don't have to tell any of the guys about the others. It's okay to be mysterious- and it's not their business if you aren't being physical...right? enjoy yourself!
Author Ria10 Posted December 29, 2007 Author Posted December 29, 2007 I'm 27, and just out of a LTR...
Legend Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 (edited) I hate knowing when the girl I'm dating is dating other guys. It makes things a bit more awkward. Especially if she responds to their texts / phone calls while on your date. If the guy doesn't have a good self esteem to begin with, it'll wreck him. The guy will be forced to wonder if you're a slut, how far the other guys have gotten, how he compares, and essentially where he stands. Now of course there's women on here who will say "you should be honest, and up front, and date multiple people" so that the guy feels like he's in a competition, tries harder to win you over, takes you on better dates, etc etc etc. Whether you're physically involved or not, dating multiple people just seems to scream promiscuity. After it all boils down, you gotta ask yourself how much karma's gonna come back and kick your ass after picking one and letting the other 2 go. Then the guy you chose, will most likely be the one that cheats on you, treats you like crap, and gives you one of the worst LTR's you've been through, all the while you've been continuously falling for him, and it makes it that much harder to break it off. My recommendation: Tell all of them where you stand, and where they stand. That's what'd I'd do, and what I'm currently doing when I date multiple people. Edited December 29, 2007 by Legend
oppath Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 (edited) If you are dating one guy, your phone should be off and you shouldn't answer on a date. If you answer a phone on a date, you should say "I've got to go, I'm on a date." So set it on silent and don't answer it. Otherwise, you don't need to tell them, but if you are having sex you should make it clear "I'm not ready for a relationship." Don't talk to them every day, see them once a week, etc, all the things guys should do when dating multiple women, being distant/flaky enough that they aren't courting the woman and leading them on. Edited December 29, 2007 by oppath
D-Lish Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I agree about the phone thing- keep it on silent. It drives me bonkers when I am on a date and people are texting or talking on their phone. If you just keep it on silent- you don't have to worry about anything. Just out of a LTR- then it's a healthy thing to do some exploring and dating. Go for it.
spookie Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I don't think it's necessary to be explicit about it if you aren't physical with any of them. There's nothing wrong with getting to know more than one male at the same time. Why do you view it as promiscuous, Legend? If there's no action going on how can it be promiscuous? She's just going everything she can to make sure that when she does get into a relationship, it's with the right person... that's pretty important. If everyone did that it would save a lot of people heartache.
Legend Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I don't think it's necessary to be explicit about it if you aren't physical with any of them. There's nothing wrong with getting to know more than one male at the same time. Why do you view it as promiscuous, Legend? If there's no action going on how can it be promiscuous? She's just going everything she can to make sure that when she does get into a relationship, it's with the right person... that's pretty important. If everyone did that it would save a lot of people heartache. Because if a girl states she's seeing other guys too, despite what she tells you, it will always linger in your mind, that she's sleeping with them as well. Even if she assures you she isn't. Then again, if she genuinely isn't, well, then she must definitely love the attention. I just don't like dating more than one person at a time. LTR or not. It gets confusing, and people ultimately get hurt.
Stockalone Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I don't think it's necessary to be explicit about it if you aren't physical with any of them. There's nothing wrong with getting to know more than one male at the same time. I like to know if the woman I am dating is also dating other men. Since I only date one woman at a time, I like to be given the same courtesy. Personally, I find dating multiple people to be rude and I gladly help her make her choice easier by removing myself from the equation.
Lizzie60 Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I don't see why you need to tell them... They're all 'platonic' friends IMO... so nothing to worry... you can tell them that you have many male friends... because that's what they are... no big deal. What's wrong with having friends? They might have female friends too.
oppath Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I like to know if the woman I am dating is also dating other men. Since I only date one woman at a time, I like to be given the same courtesy. Personally, I find dating multiple people to be rude and I gladly help her make her choice easier by removing myself from the equation. Define dating? To me, it means going on dates, repeatedly, with one person. I can't say I am dating a woman until I've been out with her 6 times. Before that, while we go on dates, I don't classify it as dating. Why? Because as far as I'm concerned she could drop off the face of the earth without so much as a phone call before that. It's not dating for me until we have some traction. Now, if we've been dating two months and she is still dating other guys, that is different than going on 1 or 2 dates when the woman is dating other men. All the OP has to do is say "I'm recently out of a relationship and am not ready for a relationship." The key is that if she says she will call, she must call, but she should make the pace slow, like one date every 8 days.
BeautifulMystique Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 There's nothing wrong in going out with one than guy, just make sure when you like someone and you want to be exclusive with him, the other guys know about it. I think it's only fair for all.
Stockalone Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 Define dating? To me, it means going on dates, repeatedly, with one person. I can't say I am dating a woman until I've been out with her 6 times. Before that, while we go on dates, I don't classify it as dating. Why? Because as far as I'm concerned she could drop off the face of the earth without so much as a phone call before that. It's not dating for me until we have some traction. Now, if we've been dating two months and she is still dating other guys, that is different than going on 1 or 2 dates when the woman is dating other men. When I ask a woman out, I don't ask other women out for as long as we keep seeing each other. I don't differentiate between going on one or two dates or seeing her repeatedly for months. If a woman wants to date multiple men, that's her choice. I just like to be informed about it so I can make the choice to not go an a date with her.
Author Ria10 Posted December 29, 2007 Author Posted December 29, 2007 I was just reading over all of the posts... So the women say it's ok to multi-date, but the men say it's shady... Hmm... interesting.
Legend Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I was just reading over all of the posts... So the women say it's ok to multi-date, but the men say it's shady... Hmm... interesting. Which is what I said in my original post . To make a long story short, unless you're dating females (Which it doesn't sound like you're doing) Don't date multiple people. The advice from guys (which is the advice that pertains specifically to your situation) is the advice you should be taking.
MystifiedByMen Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I did what you are doing a year ago. I was dating 3 guys (not sleeping with any of them) and they would ask about others. I would be confused as to what to say b/c it was my first time doing that too. I was honest. I ended up with none of them. The guys are right when they say that they think you are sleeping with others even if you're not. I wasn't. I didn't end up with any of them. They were all good guys. Just don't tell any of them about the others. Increase your chances to end up happy by doing that. They may bail because they will assume you are sleeping with others even though you're not.
EYECANDY000 Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I dont think you should reveal to any of them that y ou are dating multiple guys. To me is I was dating someone and they stated that they are dating someone else and they are going on a date tomorrow.. Turn Off!! I dont need to know that much information. I say date them and just get a feel for the ones that you like. and the ones that your not compatible with just have them as associates!
Legend Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I dont think you should reveal to any of them that y ou are dating multiple guys. To me is I was dating someone and they stated that they are dating someone else and they are going on a date tomorrow.. Turn Off!! I dont need to know that much information. I say date them and just get a feel for the ones that you like. and the ones that your not compatible with just have them as associates! She stated that 2 of them already know... and she doesn't know what to do with the new one, whom she probably likes more than the other 2, and thus is wondering how to treat the situation.
oppath Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 You don't have to tell them anything. Just don't court them or lead them on to believe you really want a relationship. That is where guys get into trouble. Dating and having sex does not = a relationship. Saying things like "I'm so glad I met you; I adore you," etc are what leads someone on. Date. Sleep with them if you want to, only if you sleep with one, you need to tell others before sleeping with them. As a guy, I expect women to date other dudes. I do not have a problem with it. I just expect the other guys to start dropping off after 6 dates or so. The first couple dates, I don't care.
Jilly Bean Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I'm currently multi-dating, and I don't think I owe either guy any kind of explanation. I am definitely seeking a monogomous relationship, but as things are so new with both of them and we just casually dating at this point, I don't need to tell them of my other dating activities. Within a few more dates, I will decide which one I would rather be dating solely, and at that time one will be gone. I guess it depends what your goals are?
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I'm of the other school of thought. If you're multi-dating, be upfront. In not telling someone this is the case, you're taking away their right to decide if this is what they want to put up with, as well. I've multi-dated enough times in the past, being upfront. I've yet to have any guy walk away because I was being honest with him. If anything, it was preferred and appreciated.
LovesDog Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 i think it is great that you are dating multiple men. esp if you are up front about it. nothing wrong with it...for a while. let's turn the tables, then. what if the guy is multiple dating? everyone is aware what is going on. is that ok? what is the take on this? do things change on everyone's view?
Legend Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 If you absolutely have to decide, then tell all of them, so they don't think they're the only one in the running. If you can't decide, then maybe none of them are for you.
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 If I'm multi-dating, I fully expect that the guys are too, although some do and others don't. Keep in mind that when I multi-date, I don't sleep with anyone.
Jilly Bean Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 i think it is great that you are dating multiple men. esp if you are up front about it. nothing wrong with it...for a while. let's turn the tables, then. what if the guy is multiple dating? everyone is aware what is going on. is that ok? what is the take on this? do things change on everyone's view? No, it doesn't change my perspective at all. I think if you are casually dating, meaning, no physical involvement, no daily phone calls, etc., then I don't think either party owes full disclosure. The guys I am dating may or may not be dating other women, but since we are not intimate, nor exclusive, nor even close to being to either, then it's not my business, nor is it theirs.
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