Destroying my own happiness?

[MystifiedByMen]

I’ve been dating this guy since the beginning of November. He’s 22 and I’m 26 so there is this small age gap. I’m getting over that although I still have reservations. I met him through his brother whom I’ve been friends with since high school. His brother and I would hang out, golf, get drinks, etc.. made out one drunken night a year ago but nothing ever happened after that. Just friends.

 

So this new guy I’ve been seeing says he really wants to be in a relationship. He’s been saying this for about a month. I haven’t given in because I feel he may be too young and change his mind, then I get hurt. His dad invited me to their house for Christmas and I didn’t go. His dad invited me to dinner two weeks prior, I didn’t go. He invited me to dinner again with his dad in two weeks I said maybe. I really like this guy but I can’t seem to get over that fact that I’m afraid to have the title of being in a ‘relationship’ with him. What is my deal? This is bothering me to no end.

 

Another problem I have is that he thought it might be a good idea if I stop hanging with his brother so much. He said this a week ago, and I end up going to the gym with his brother anyway and made plans to meet this girl he likes for drinks. Guy I’m seeing came with even though he didn’t really want to go out. So I didn’t listen to his request and continued to hang out with his brother and do the normal stuff we’d usually do.

 

Then yesterday, guy I’m dating invites me to go out for a drink after he’s done with his bowling league he’s in with his brother. Naturally, they are both there and me and brother start talking and decide to play a game of pool because guy I’m seeing suddenly becomes VERY cranky and ignored me all night. Maybe said five words to me. At the end of the night, we go back to my place and I ask him what’s wrong? He tells me he’s just cranky and it’s not me. But this is the first time I see this side of him. If he was cranky, wouldn’t he be cranky to everyone and not just me? He was fine with everyone else. What’s his deal? Just a few days ago he’s bringing me diamond earrings, then he acts totally pissy at me and won’t tell me what’s up.

 

This morning, he wakes up for work, is all snuggly and ‘fine’ like nothing happened. Even tried to have sex. I was turned off by his mood swing last night so nothing happened. He apologized and I offered him some space which he turned down and said it’s not what he wants and I agreed. Usually I hear from him by now and we are together by this time of night. I haven’t gotten a text or phone call once today and that’s not typical ‘us’ behavior.

 

I feel like I’m destroying my own happiness out of fear of getting hurt. Also, I’m a little insecure about that age difference because I feel that maybe a 22 year old might just want to date around. What’s my problem? Ugh.. I’m feeling really ****ty.

[spookie]

Well, I don't blame you being cautious. I'm 21 and I'm convinced I'll have a string of failed relationships through my 30's cause of the rate at which people "grow up" nowadays. But, 4 years is barely an age gap. And by the time people are in their 20's, I think development depends more on experience and personality than just age. How mature is your guy? Is it just how old he is that's bothering you, or other things, like inexperience, for example?

 

Regarding the recent change in his behavior... that's bound to happen in any relationship and how you deal with it can make or break you. It's always scary when the pattern is first broken, but remember that after the first couple of months, people start to remember that there is life outside their R's, so they aren't constantly thinking of you. That's normal. You gotta let him have his space and not freak out.

 

That said, you also have to decide what exactly you want with this guy.... cause I can see why he'd be frustrated with you, the way you've been dodging serious turning points/ conversations. Relationships are always a gamble; and while it's wise to be cautious unless you want to be alone it's silly not to ever take a chance.

[Saxis]

So this new guy I’ve been seeing says he really wants to be in a relationship. He’s been saying this for about a month. I haven’t given in because I feel he may be too young and change his mind, then I get hurt. His dad invited me to their house for Christmas and I didn’t go. His dad invited me to dinner two weeks prior, I didn’t go. He invited me to dinner again with his dad in two weeks I said maybe. I really like this guy but I can’t seem to get over that fact that I’m afraid to have the title of being in a ‘relationship’ with him. What is my deal? This is bothering me to no end.....

 

.....I feel like I’m destroying my own happiness out of fear of getting hurt. Also, I’m a little insecure about that age difference because I feel that maybe a 22 year old might just want to date around. What’s my problem? Ugh.. I’m feeling really ****ty.

 

The guy is really not sounding like the immature one here. If you aren't actively seeing someone else, what difference is the "girlfriend" label going to make? If you're really this serious about the guy, then you'll need to open up to him a little, let your guard down.

[D-Lish]

I don't think 4 years is a big age difference to be honest.

I met a guy when I was 25 and he was 19. i kept blowing it off as a summer romance- but I fell in love with him and we got married.

Okay- we are divorced now (lol)- but my point is that his age doesn't necessarily refect his ability to be a good bf to you.

 

I have only dated younger men since my divorce. a 14 year difference even. shhhhh.

 

The cold shoulder you are feeling may have to do with him feeling rejected. If you are refusing to go to his place for dinner- he will eventually stop asking. Also remember- if you are unsure about him- he will sense this. That alone could scare him off. I do think the refusal of sex this morning probably affected him. Might have bruised his ego a bit.

 

It's obviously he is jealous of your relationship with his brother. he sees the two of you being close- and he wants that from you but you won't give it to him.

 

Do you think you are doing a little bit of unconscious sabataging? Afraid of being hurt, so you keep him at arms length? I ask, because I do that, and it always bites me in the ass.

 

He was cranky last night because he saw you were spending more time with his brother than him- then he tried to have sex with you this morning and you said no--- he is probably feeling hurt by that.

 

I think you have to decide if you like him or not. If you do- you should text him today- reach out to him. He's obviously quite taken by you. But if you don't give him anything back- he very well might walk away.

 

I might be a little upset too- if I was seeing someone and he spent the entire evening talking to my sister.... regardless of whether or not they were good friends first. Even if his bro is your friend- you are dating the other one... so it isn't unreasonable for him to want to have you by his side.

 

I am not being harsh I hope. I just don't want you to sabatage things if you like him. And if you do like him- perhaps it's time to open up and give it a chance.

 

I have pushed good guys away in my past- and I often end up regretting it.

 

Soooo, do you like him enough to give it a go?

The no contact onbviously bugs you- that say something about how you feel about him.

 

I'd text him and say hi- hope you had a good day. You could always pull out a bigger whammy and say "hey, thinking of you..."

[brothermartin]

Sound like there may be a little sibling rivalry between the two brothers. It could be he feels like his brother is stealing the spotlight from him and you are showing no hesitation to basking in big brother's glow. There's nothing wrong with you, You're just stroking the wrong ego.

[MystifiedByMen]

Well, I don't blame you being cautious. I'm 21 and I'm convinced I'll have a string of failed relationships through my 30's cause of the rate at which people "grow up" nowadays. But, 4 years is barely an age gap. And by the time people are in their 20's, I think development depends more on experience and personality than just age. How mature is your guy? Is it just how old he is that's bothering you, or other things, like inexperience, for example?

 

Regarding the recent change in his behavior... that's bound to happen in any relationship and how you deal with it can make or break you. It's always scary when the pattern is first broken, but remember that after the first couple of months, people start to remember that there is life outside their R's, so they aren't constantly thinking of you. That's normal. You gotta let him have his space and not freak out.

 

That said, you also have to decide what exactly you want with this guy.... cause I can see why he'd be frustrated with you, the way you've been dodging serious turning points/ conversations. Relationships are always a gamble; and while it's wise to be cautious unless you want to be alone it's silly not to ever take a chance.

 

 

His age used to be a big concern for me, but I'm not so much thinking of it as much. Although I'm not totally over it. When you say space? What is normal space? A couple days with no contact? You make a really good point when you say that people realize that there is life after their R's after a couple months. Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it.

[MystifiedByMen]

I don't think 4 years is a big age difference to be honest.

I met a guy when I was 25 and he was 19. i kept blowing it off as a summer romance- but I fell in love with him and we got married.

Okay- we are divorced now (lol)- but my point is that his age doesn't necessarily refect his ability to be a good bf to you.

 

I have only dated younger men since my divorce. a 14 year difference even. shhhhh.

 

The cold shoulder you are feeling may have to do with him feeling rejected. If you are refusing to go to his place for dinner- he will eventually stop asking. Also remember- if you are unsure about him- he will sense this. That alone could scare him off. I do think the refusal of sex this morning probably affected him. Might have bruised his ego a bit.

 

It's obviously he is jealous of your relationship with his brother. he sees the two of you being close- and he wants that from you but you won't give it to him.

 

Do you think you are doing a little bit of unconscious sabataging? Afraid of being hurt, so you keep him at arms length? I ask, because I do that, and it always bites me in the ass.

 

He was cranky last night because he saw you were spending more time with his brother than him- then he tried to have sex with you this morning and you said no--- he is probably feeling hurt by that.

 

I think you have to decide if you like him or not. If you do- you should text him today- reach out to him. He's obviously quite taken by you. But if you don't give him anything back- he very well might walk away.

 

I might be a little upset too- if I was seeing someone and he spent the entire evening talking to my sister.... regardless of whether or not they were good friends first. Even if his bro is your friend- you are dating the other one... so it isn't unreasonable for him to want to have you by his side.

 

I am not being harsh I hope. I just don't want you to sabatage things if you like him. And if you do like him- perhaps it's time to open up and give it a chance.

 

I have pushed good guys away in my past- and I often end up regretting it.

 

Soooo, do you like him enough to give it a go?

The no contact onbviously bugs you- that say something about how you feel about him.

 

I'd text him and say hi- hope you had a good day. You could always pull out a bigger whammy and say "hey, thinking of you..."

 

I think you are right. I am doing a little unconscious sabotaging and I am afraid of being hurt. My last relationship was absolutely a 6 year failure and he wasn’t the best guy. So I am afraid of being hurt.

 

I’m not sure if he was cranky because I was talking to his brother, or if he was just cranky period. I cant figure that out. He seemed a little weird before we even left to meet everyone.

 

I agree with you 100% when you say that it isn’t unreasonable for him to want me by his side instead of talking with his brother the entire night. But, he was ignoring me before his brother and I really started talking so I could have just sat there cranky or socialized. I wanted to be by his side, but he stayed away. At one point I didn’t even know if he was still there.

 

I read what you said last night and I wanted to send him a sweet text, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Why am I like this? Is it an ego thing or an afraid to get close thing. I annoy myself to no end. I bet if I did, he would have responded.

 

Also, what is a healthy amount of time to take the ‘relationship’ status? I feel so awkward and clueless about these things no due to my ex messing with my head for 6 years.

 

Thanks for your advise, you make really accurate comments about how I’m feeling. I wonder if he’ll contact me today? I feel that because he started this cranky weird behavior, I should back off and let him do what he needs to do. I really hope he does b/c I really do like him. Maybe he’s just done and I wont hear from him anymore.

[MystifiedByMen]

Sound like there may be a little sibling rivalry between the two brothers. It could be he feels like his brother is stealing the spotlight from him and you are showing no hesitation to basking in big brother's glow. There's nothing wrong with you, You're just stroking the wrong ego.

 

 

Interesting, I wonder if this is true. If this is the case, I would have to have no contact with his brother for awhile. I do know that his brother was a bit upset about me and my guy in the beginning. But my guy said they talked about it and everything is totally cool. Everything just felt ok as there was no weird feelings or vibes from the brother.

 

It just really sucks because me and the brother have some really great conversations that feel natural. I always had fun with his brother because we are good friends.

[D-Lish]

Did he make contact today?

 

4 years is nothing- trust me.

I sabotage... I know I do it, and I do it because I also had a failed marriage... so like you, I get scared and have trouble opening up. What's worse is that when I start to really like someone....I get mad at them.

How f'cked is that... I am mad at them because by liking them, I know I am vulnerable. Now that's crazy!

I am working on that!

 

I wonder why he was being cranky before you even started hanging with his bro--- was it simply because his bro was there?

[MystifiedByMen]

Well, he did call yesterday and we had the most amazing night together with our friends. His brother too. He said he was simply just cranky and was very sorry and was worried that HE was messing things up. I decided to put myself out there last night and accepted the relationship status and he was very happy and excited. So am I! We'll see where it goes.

 

I must say that even though he's 22, he's more mature than my ex who is 30! Go figure! Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this.

[reelwoman]

I agree with others that this is a small age difference and shouldn't be a problem. I know many people with happy relationships and even marriages where there is a much bigger age difference, and I've had great relationships with people both younger and older. It does sound like you are sabotaging things and you need to figure out why and interrupt that behavior If there is some reason you don't want to be with this guy you need to figure out what the real reason is; but you may just be acting out of fear and habit. I know that I tend to be fearful and over-protective of myself and I rationalize pushing people away, and I am trying to recognize that and interrupt it by reminding myself of what I am doing and that this is not what I really want, that I'm just acting out of fear. If you like him, what's the problem? He may well have some sibling issues with his brother and that made him insecure, but you didn't really do anything to reassure him, so you need to take responsibility for you own actions. If you like him, act like it, let him know, be honest. If you have problems with his behavior, ask yourself why and if you feel it's him and not you, let him know in a non-aggressive way. I bet this will all be fine.

[D-Lish]

Well, he did call yesterday and we had the most amazing night together with our friends. His brother too. He said he was simply just cranky and was very sorry and was worried that HE was messing things up. I decided to put myself out there last night and accepted the relationship status and he was very happy and excited. So am I! We'll see where it goes.

 

I must say that even though he's 22, he's more mature than my ex who is 30! Go figure! Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this.

 

I am glad you put yourself out there- it's a big step.

Sound slike he's quite taken by you.

Good luck,

D