Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Now we are talking... Girl, Time to spin some things. Shine on you crazy diamond. As I've said to other members before, if you do this, it's not condusive to relationship continuity. That's not the purpose of my suggestion to withdraw. It's primarily an eff-u...
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'm so sorry to hear this, SG. It is confusing. The only fair thing, of course, is for him to rip that bandaid off and say "this is not working" and then let you be, giving you some space. If he later feels confused he can call you and say "I feel confused. I would like to date you. I apologize for being rash." You know damn well friendship can only happen MONTHS later, possibly never. I'd suggest removing yourself from this situation without burning bridges. Just tell him "I do want more. If you aren't capable of offering what I want, we really don't have anything to offer each other right now." Transaction over. I am really sorry you are going through this.
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 As I've said to other members before, if you do this, it's not condusive to relationship continuity. That's not the purpose of my suggestion to withdraw. It's primarily an eff-u... Effing Eh!
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Think of it as a little germinating seed. If you don't feed it, it will die. That's so sad.. :(
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 That's so sad.. :( Not really. Some people love gardening. It's a hobby. It's something they cherish. Love does take care and men especially, sometimes choose to fall in love. Logistics. Not so much timing as logistics. You really have to be in a place to plant the seed, water it, pull out the weeds around it, and tend to the plot. In hockey terms: you need to zamboni the ice between periods if you want play to be smooth.
underpants Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 As I've said to other members before, if you do this, it's not condusive to relationship continuity. That's not the purpose of my suggestion to withdraw. It's primarily an eff-u... Hey, Thanks for bringing me back down to Earth. You are right. However...sometimes you just got to flip that script a little to keep things...lively, or to nip/negate uncalled for behaviour. Most guys don't want to sit down and discuss their feelings. Star, I would love to tell you all about my abandoment issues. Yet the gist of things is that sometimes people who we really care about leave us, for whatever reason and more often then not it is beyond our control. If you are hiding from him any part of your sassy personality. Now is the time to let it shine. Call him out when he is being weird, and have a sense of humor about it. Don't be afraid of the ramifications. Treat him like a brother. Be real and let the sensitivity go a bit. This is not about whatever happened the other day. You had your shot at that. This is planning for the next time. It will either relax him or push him further away. You are learning about your fellow. Don't appease him, learn about him. Maybe a guy can answer as to what would make them more at ease or a better approach.
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Logistics. Not so much timing as logistics. You really have to be in a place to plant the seed, water it, pull out the weeds around it, and tend to the plot. Yeah, I guess is a well thought out plan. I'll fall in love now, now I won't, not the season, have no water, can't be bothered with the weeds etc.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 ((SG)) you need afew hugs.. You do know that you can't be just friends with him, right? Even if you tried, it won't work. He wants something casual, non-commital and no deep feelings involved. You aren't capable of that as you wear your heart on your sleeve. Sadly, he isn't the right one for you, and this has nothing to do with him going away, he has certain flaws and a big time self importance about him that prevents him from putting others before himself. Maybe he's been single too long or he's just self absorbed and the world revolves around him. He reminds me of one of my friends' husband. This guy is nice, but it's not a natural nice. He's funny but not a giving or real kind hearted person. He is a loving father, but he really won't go out of his way to put himself out for the kids sake. People like that will always look out for number one and care less about everyone else. That line about the holidays not being important to him IS very telling! Imagine how his family feels, that he blows them off as certain holidays are not a big deal to HIM. Again, HIM HIM HIM. Good that you now see this guy's sh*t smells too. He isn't perfect, he's got afew big flaws that outweigh the good stuff about him.
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 a big time self importance about him that prevents him from putting others before himself. Maybe he's been single too long or he's just self absorbed and the world revolves around him. Well said wwiu. SG was all stressed from working in xmas and on the weekend and he couldn't care less, he'd just give her his moods. Plus, he seems like an idiot to me. All losing a fuse for stupid stuff, like a dumbas. No big loss SG.
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Maybe a guy can answer as to what would make them more at ease or a better approach. Sure. A better approach would be to date me :love:. I don't think we'll do Star any favors with a "no big loss" attitude as for her, it is a big loss. But she will cope with this. I'd take his words at face value and get the hell out of dodge. He has to walk across a barren desert without drinking from SG's lips if he wants to cuddle and be non-committal.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'd take his words at face value and get the hell out of dodge. Yeap, that would be the hard-ass way but then, I have no patience for people who withdraw. When I withdraw, I mean it.
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Yeap, that would be the hard-ass way but then, I have no patience for people who withdraw. You are saying you'd want someone who exhausted all compromises/options first? SHE should withdraw since HE ended the relationship (he didn't just withdraw, he ended the relationship without discussing possible compromises so to me, that indicates finality). Lay it on the line one time "I want a relationship with you. What do you really want? Your behavior is confusing me." If he hems and haws, then "we want different things and have nothing to offer each other. I will contact you if and when I can be friends, but it will be a while. Understand, this is FOR ME, FOR ME so I can heal, not because of you. I am unwilling to accept less than what I want. I've been willing to compromise within our relationship, but you ended it. We have nothing to offer each other at this point in time." I'm not advocating those exact words, just that he did end the relationship and it doesn't sound like he was willing to discuss problems, solutions, and compromises. To me, that means it is over.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 You are saying you'd want someone who exhausted all compromises/options first? SHE should withdraw since HE ended the relationship (he didn't just withdraw, he ended the relationship without discussing possible compromises so to me, that indicates finality). Lay it on the line one time "I want a relationship with you. What do you really want? Your behavior is confusing me." If he hems and haws, then "we want different things and have nothing to offer each other. I will contact you if and when I can be friends, but it will be a while. Understand, this is FOR ME, FOR ME so I can heal, not because of you. I am unwilling to accept less than what I want. I've been willing to compromise within our relationship, but you ended it. We have nothing to offer each other at this point in time." I'm not advocating those exact words, just that he did end the relationship and it doesn't sound like he was willing to discuss problems, solutions, and compromises. To me, that means it is over. Nope. I wouldn't even bother with one last chance. I would say "have a nice life" to him and not as nicely as that, and walk away. That's my definition of full-on withdrawal.
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Nope. I wouldn't even bother with one last chance. I would say "have a nice life" to him and not as nicely as that, and walk away. That's my definition of full-on withdrawal. I thought you have never been dumped? It's not always that easy, though I try to make it be.
underpants Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I missed the post earlier where he said that he could not be in love right now or something really awful like that. So, the Universe delivered him a ski to the head and he did not receive the message. Man, boys can be so dense. Whats the plan Star. Did he say what his plans were besides, pulling away? Did he make a choice about moving?
allina Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I'm so sorry Star I think the reason why I started to feel anger towards him was that i knew this was coming and that you'd take it like a sweetheart. I know you care about him but he was a dick, he broke up with you then tried having sex with you after you sat there crying over him! It's silly but sometimes I just want to take you and introduce you to a guy who I know would treasure you. You're so smart, kind and gorgeous, I know that millions of guys out there would love to get the chance to date you, I'm shocked that you haven't had better luck with love. Good luck, hugs and :bunny:
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 It's silly but sometimes I just want to take you and introduce you to a guy who I know would treasure you. She already knows me.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 I thought you have never been dumped? It's not always that easy, though I try to make it be. To the best of my knowledge, I've never been dumped. I have been withdrawn on, man-cave-thing, which I find an immature way to handle life's problems.
allina Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 She already knows me. Awww Does she know you in person? If not you guys should meet Don't you just feel like that guy was a complete idiot?
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 To the best of my knowledge, I've never been dumped. I highly recommend that you...not try it sometime. It can make you feel . Actually, the problem with most women in that situation is they are impervious to the other persons feelings. That is not you. If the person was mean or disrespectful, you'd tell em to **** off, but if they were kind, you'd be honest and respectful and caring. As for SG...the sex thing...he is confused, he does care, he does have feelings, he does value her, he does respect her...just not enough.
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 As for SG...the sex thing...he is confused, he does care, he does have feelings, he does value her, he does respect her... I agree to this point. He currently feels he's got bigger fish to fry, so he's focusing on the rest first, with the hopes of keeping SG on the backburner, so when his issues get resolved, he can then make a decision about her. Not acceptable.
shadowplay Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 (edited) Man, this really, really sucks. I'm so, so sorry, Star. I wish I could give you a hug. Since I've been following the ins and outs of your relationship I almost feel like I'm vicariously being dumped. I found it hard to read you post. It does explain a lot about his behavior, though. I agree with Johan that he was snappy recently because he was taking out his guilt on you about his inability to reciprocate. I don't think you did anything wrong. You expected what any woman in your place would have, and he couldn't provide that because of his own problems (which sound pretty major). He started resenting you because of you emotional needs, and finally pulled his head out of his ass and broke things off before he did more damage. I said something to you a few weeks ago about how I didn't think this guy was letting himself fall in love with you. I stand by that. He could have loved you (assuming he has any capability of loving anyone), but he wouldn't let it happen. A few things were going on. There was the fact that his life was in flux and he felt a lot of internal and external pressure. I suspect he started to see you as yet another source of pressure, and that's when his feelings fizzled. Again, I think in some formative period he was in a position where a lot of demands were put on him, and now, in his adult life, he's determined to make his own decisions -- like a rebellious teenager. Most of the pressure is actually internal, though. You said one of his parent's was always disappointed in him, so he may have internalized that feeling early on. Even though he's determined to do his own thing, he clings to that sense of internal pressure and can't let it go. I also agree with whoever said that his choice of his job is convenient because it doesn't allow him to form any attachments. Furthermore, he sounds very self absorbed. I wonder if he would be capable of truly loving anyone. Perhaps his parents never gave him much, and he didn't learn how. I find that people who come from cold families usually suffer from this problem. Well, I hope this little analysis at least makes you realize that as cliche as it sounds it's not you, it's HIM. I really mean that. The guy has got obvious problems. The only way you could have possibly won him over is by giving him nothing or very little. Kind of like you were doing today after the breakup. You would have had to cultivate this sassy, carefree, slightly cold attitude. But that's just not you. And the second you showed a trace of vulnerability he would have freaked. I think the larger question you need to ask yourself is why were you so head over heels for this guy? Was it his emotional unavailability that drew you in? Is this a pattern for you? If it is, you may be setting yourself up for heartbreak. That's the important lesson to come out of this. Again, I'm really sorry about this whole thing. I too have a fear of abandonment and every time I suffer another big rejection it's like another piece of evidence waving in my face. Don't let that happen. Try your best not to internalize this rejection. Detach yourself and examine the situation objectively. Try to figure out what's going on. I really suspect you're going for the wrong guys. Given that you didn't have a father growing up, it makes sense that you would try to win over emotionally unavailable men. At least this allows you to start out the new year on a clean slate. I really hope you have a good one, Star. Edited January 2, 2008 by shadowplay
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Awww Does she know you in person? If not you guys should meet Don't you just feel like that guy was a complete idiot? Not necessarily. I don't know him. If it's not there, it's not there, and that doesn't make him an idiot or a bad guy. He's being reasonably honest in my opinion and for the most part, tore the band-aid off with his words. Unfortunately, he is not doing that with his actions. What makes him an idiot is not saying "I'm sorry. It would be best if we take some space from each other before trying to be friends. I'd like that eventually but understand it may not happen, at least not for a while." Stay over? Sleep in bed? SHE can offer that, not him. SHE can say "one last time." He can't say "please, one last time." It's taking advantage of her vulnerability. But ****. My last ex actually said I understand, but let me know when you are down for a "friends with benefits" relationship after I emailed her, for the FOURTH TIME "it's too soon to be friends. I can't be your friend unless I can look at you with no attraction or desire. It will be too painful for me. I want a relationship. I ask that you not contact me right now. I need some time and space to heal, not because I'm angry, not because of you at all, but FOR ME, FOR ME so I can heal and move on. I have deep feelings for you. It may be a long time before I can be friends because I can't be friends as long as I have romantic feelings. I will seek you out when I am ready, but right now, please, give me the space I need to heal." Wouldn't I be an unequivocal a**hole if the gender roles were reversed in that context? Uh, yeah. So I know all about jerks, or bitches rather. I know the bitches in the biblical sense, and if I were the god of karma I'd be raining down anal warts like fire and brimstone. If this guy can't step away, I wish them on him.
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