BF is in a bad mood...

[Lishy]

And I must also add that yes he is acting spoilt and childish - You may not like it but it is the truth!

[Star Gazer]

And I must also add that yes he is acting spoilt and childish - You may not like it but it is the truth!

 

You've said that about 50 times now. I understand that's your perspective. But I also understand that YOU don't know him. YOU don't know the truth, Lishy. I came here asking for advice on how to handle these situations if/when they arise, not for pages upon pages of talking sh*t about my BF. Why are you so invested in tearing him apart?

 

Many people have bad moods and bad days but we dont take it out on our partners.

 

First, for the thousandth time, he doesn't "take it out on me." Secondly, just as many people know the difference between a mood and something that should be taken personally. However, I don't know the difference...that's why I came here.

 

This is the last time I will address you, Lishy. You're literally fighting with me about my BF - telling me how horrible you think he is (which I obviously completely disagree with - no amount of arguing on your part will convince me that he's a bad guy). Your words are NOT constructive to MY problem: dealing with it and telling the difference between his moods and him being upset with me.

 

I appreciate the time and effort you've put into disparaging him, but it's really not helping at all.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

i don't think anyone thinks he is a 'bad guy', they just think he treats you pretty crappily sometimes...which he does. even your most staunch defender, whose intuition said that 'this is the one for you' is seeing it, so maybe that's a sign as well.

 

i mean, it is true that only you know for sure, but don't forget that you're also more likely to defend him because you care about him...not necessarily because he deserves it. it's only natural to feel like 'well, i can say this, but you can't!' everyone does that, and there's a lot of this happening here. if you say 'he makes me angry and upset a lot' then it's okay, but if someone else says 'it seems like he upsets you pretty frequently', then you tend to disagree and say 'no he doesn't, i'm just sensitive.' your main post in this thread shows a great example of how he does take things out on you--getting snippy toward you and making you feel like crap when something else goes wrong is taking it out on you. it makes you feel bad to admit it, but that's what he is doing. complaining to you is one thing; this is not all he does.

 

i don't think anyone knows what to say anymore, because from the other side, from the objective side, it seems like this is no match for you and that you deserve better. but to you, you want it to be a match against everyone else's odds, so you tend to defend him against what people are saying, even if there's truth to it.

 

everyone likes you here, star gazer. i doubt anyone is trying to hurt your feelings or wants to make you think badly about your boyfriend for no good reason.

Edited December 31, 2007 by KenzieAbsolutely

[Lishy]

Ok Star I get you - I understand that you just want people to pander to you.

 

I won't post on your threads again.

 

Good luck

[Touche]

Lishy, you make him sound like he takes stuff out on me...his "battering ram"? "Punching bag"? C'mon now. I think you're hypersensitive to my BF's mood because of your bad experience over 18 months. My BF has had a bad couple of weeks, and he's been moody - absolutely true. But he's also been absolutely amazing at the same time. I just have a hard time dealing with the moody part because I have I have a hard time discerning when he'd mad at me (only once so far - an well deserved) and when he's just mad at a situation he's experiencing.

 

Seriously, he's hardly "taking things out on me" or being "nasty." I'm the one who talks to him daily, I know this. Yes, I'm here complaining, but if I were to post a thread everytime he does something that makes me swoon, this entire forum would look like "Deeelliiiiillllaaaaahhhh," and you would all be like this:

 

Also, when he says things like, "Ffffffuuuuccckkkk!" out of exasperation at a situation, he's yelling at the air, not at me. (And that has only happened once.) Don't you do that? Stub your toe and scream an expletive? Are you suggesting he should keep quiet when he's frustrated? Shouldn't I be here to support him when he's going through a hard time?

 

Finally - BF is anything but spoiled. Anything but. If there's a spoiled brat in this relationship, it's me.

 

Only once so far? Oh, then I clearly misunderstood. If he really only has taken out his frustrations out on you ONCE, then what's the problem?

 

As for being there to support him, of course you should. But not when he snaps at you. And you did say above that he snaps at you. If you still support him after that, then you are crossing the line into being a doormat.

 

Also, and I think this has been pointed out, if he ever says he's going to be late but can't give you a time frame, please Star, just reschedule next time. Don't ever let him leave you hanging.

[TerryTeardrop]

I have just spent an hour reading through this entire thread and the conclusion is that the OP does not want help or advice she just wants to rip into anyone who states the obvious and agree with the ones who tell her to behave like a doormat.

 

You asked how to deal with his moods, here is how you deal with it you just agree with what he says and act very submissive and let him treat you how he wants as he is wonderful and fantastic and perfect. Dont take it personal when he turns his phone off and ignores you and when he is moody and screaming just accept it and know how wonderful he is. (is that what you want to hear?)

 

No wonder you get treated how you do, you act pathetic and you expect a different result.

[Star Gazer]

So in other words, no SO should ever, ever, ever, ever snap at their SO under any circumstances, because if they do, they are "not a good match." They are spoiled brats. Pulleeezzze.

 

KA - yes, there actually are people here saying BF is a bad guy: Lishy is one of them!

 

What you say about "complaining to me" would be fine, "but that's not all he does" is off base. THAT IS MY VERY POINT. I interpret him complaining TO ME as taking it out ON ME or being mad AT ME when he's just venting.

 

For example, "OMG you're never going to believe what happened. XYZ! I cannot f'ing believe it!!" - THAT is his TYPICAL conversation with me. He's clearly complaining to me, not taking it out on me, and yet even THIS I take personally. THAT is why I came here. When he's in a mood, b*tching and moaning about something else, he's complaining TO ME, and yet somehow I read it as he's blaming me, or mad at me, when that's obviously not the case at all. And then I get emotionally needy, prodding him further, asking him if he's okay, if it's anything I did, and he just fumes.

 

Y'all are so focused on him "taking it out on me" as though it happens all the time. It doesn't. He's in a bad mood often, true, but he doesn't take it out on me. The whole, "I don't know Star! UGH!" - that has happened ONCE, right when he was in the heat of the moment and I was picking at him while he was all riled up.

 

There is a BIG difference there.

 

Not to compare here, but LB's BF calls her NAMES and yells at her and tells her that he's questioning their relationship. Y'all don't tell her "this isn't a good match," and "love is blind," now do you? But you do with me, simply because he was in a bad mood?? Did you even read the circumstances as to WHY he was in a bad mood?

[hotgurl]

Star I have read your threads and have some advice.

 

My BF too can get cranky. He used to get snippy with me but he is what I did to handle it.

 

1. realize it is not me. this is important because I don't get as upset.

 

2. validate his feeling but asert my boundries.

 

ie. Honey I know you upset about having to work late. I know it sucks but I don't appreciate you snapping at me.

 

3. give him space.

I know you wer trying to figure out what was going on but I noticed you guys were calling and texting him a lot during that time. perhaps a better approach would have been I was just trying to figure out my plans for today could you perhaps give me a ballpark time frame of when you'd be here. and than leave it at that.

 

I don't think the texting and multiples calls were helpful.

 

This works well for me. Usually when my BF is in a crappy mood. he needs time to decompress a hour after getting home and than he wants to talk. rehase whatever is making him mad and than it is out.

 

Sometimes if he is really pissed I tell him to go outside and let it out and come back when he is calmer (exercise helps him calm down)

 

I hope this helps.

[Ariadne]

Y'all don't tell her "this isn't a good match," and "love is blind," now do you? But you do with me, simply because he was in a bad mood?? Did you even read the circumstances as to WHY he was in a bad mood?

 

Nah.

 

It's because that guy seems kind of stpid.

 

[Star Gazer]

Only once so far? Oh, then I clearly misunderstood. If he really only has taken out his frustrations out on you ONCE, then what's the problem?

 

As for being there to support him, of course you should. But not when he snaps at you. And you did say above that he snaps at you. If you still support him after that, then you are crossing the line into being a doormat.

 

Also, and I think this has been pointed out, if he ever says he's going to be late but can't give you a time frame, please Star, just reschedule next time. Don't ever let him leave you hanging.

 

Well, you misunderstood a little. He's been legitimately mad at me only once. That is, there has been ONE occasion where it was very clear to me that he was in fact mad at me, and not an external situation. He was right to be angry, as I wasn't very nice.

 

But in addition, he has only "taken it out on me" ONCE as well - last Friday.

 

Every other time, he'll just be complaining about a situation, and I am just there to listen. "Oh man, that sucks, wow..." etc., is how I respond. HOWEVER, even though he's complaining about something else other than me, I always somehow think he's still - for some unknown reason - irritated with me. I make it all about me, and it's not, and I don't know how to stop thinking that way. I thought I made that clear in the first two or three pages of this thread...that I fear he correlates bad things happening with me, but also think he correlates good things to me.

[oppath]

Star Gazer is not in denial. A lot of the context is missing regarding what her bf has been upset about. That does not mean he is being fair to her, he is not, and she should stand up for certain things, such as if he doesn't know his timeframe, what should she do, and how can she do it in a way that doesn't make him feel disappointed considering his current stresses are very real, but yet do it in a way that makes her feel assertive and empowered.

 

It's not that easy of a task other than to say "I'm going out to run some errands since you will be late. My extra key is under the flower pot. If you get there before 10, call me as I'll be out until around then. Feel free to let yourself in. Miss ya."

[Trialbyfire]

Also, and I think this has been pointed out, if he ever says he's going to be late but can't give you a time frame, please Star, just reschedule next time. Don't ever let him leave you hanging.

There's a woman's way to nip this type of behaviour in the bud. If he can't give you a time frame, whatever was scheduled, you can't be held accountable for your time frame.

 

For example: You have dinner at a restaurant scheduled and he's running late but can't give you a time frame. When he comes over to pick you up, he's on your time frame. Make it an appropriate one...

[Lishy]

I feel the need to respond here seeing as you mentioned my name Star.

 

I never ONCE said he was a bad guy! I dont even know the guy, all I know is what you have said.

 

To be honest I couldnt care less about your relationship and whatever crap you are willing to take, I saw something that I have dealt with in what you have written and that is why I responded. I wish someone had pointed things out to me sooner as when you are in it you dont see it.

 

You are acting like a spoilt child throwing your toys out of the pram Star and you have accused me of saying your boyfriend is a bad guy. That is out of order. I am just saying what everyone else is saying and yet you dig me out?

 

If you ask for advice from strangers then you need to expect to hear the truth from what you tell us!

[Star Gazer]

Star I have read your threads and have some advice.

 

My BF too can get cranky. He used to get snippy with me but he is what I did to handle it.

 

1. realize it is not me. this is important because I don't get as upset.

 

2. validate his feeling but asert my boundries.

 

ie. Honey I know you upset about having to work late. I know it sucks but I don't appreciate you snapping at me.

 

3. give him space.

I know you wer trying to figure out what was going on but I noticed you guys were calling and texting him a lot during that time. perhaps a better approach would have been I was just trying to figure out my plans for today could you perhaps give me a ballpark time frame of when you'd be here. and than leave it at that.

 

I don't think the texting and multiples calls were helpful.

 

This works well for me. Usually when my BF is in a crappy mood. he needs time to decompress a hour after getting home and than he wants to talk. rehase whatever is making him mad and than it is out.

 

Sometimes if he is really pissed I tell him to go outside and let it out and come back when he is calmer (exercise helps him calm down)

 

I hope this helps.

 

I basically said a variation of the bolded part above. He didn't realize he had snapped at me, and apologized profusely.

 

The hardest thing for me is realizing it's NOT about me. I honestly have this problem when it comes to everyone in my life - friends, coworkers, family. If they're in a mood, I assume it's something I've done and wrack my brain trying to determine what I did and how to rectify it, but I usually only end up irritating them further by trying to hard to put them in a good mood.

[allina]

While I think it's great that he's sometimes sweet and sometimes feels bad for treating you so poorly he just doesn't sound like bf material and I cannot see how this would be a healthy relationship.

 

I am aware of his situation and I agree that it's stressful but it seems like this guy is ALWAYS bitching about something. In life things tend to happen and things get stressful, do you really want someone who flips out and runs away every time things happen?

 

I like you and I don't want to talk sh*t about your bf but his personality is so undesirable to me, it's difficult for me to understand how your feelings for him aren't decreasing.

 

You deserve a strong, loving man. A man that can handle his life and hold you up when you need him. All this man does is cause you pain and uncertainty, and you can't depend on him at all.

[Star Gazer]

Star Gazer is not in denial. A lot of the context is missing regarding what her bf has been upset about. That does not mean he is being fair to her, he is not, and she should stand up for certain things, such as if he doesn't know his timeframe, what should she do, and how can she do it in a way that doesn't make him feel disappointed considering his current stresses are very real, but yet do it in a way that makes her feel assertive and empowered.

 

It's not that easy of a task other than to say "I'm going out to run some errands since you will be late. My extra key is under the flower pot. If you get there before 10, call me as I'll be out until around then. Feel free to let yourself in. Miss ya."

 

THIS is exactly why some people perceive me to only accept my "friends" advice - because they pay attention to all of the information provided, including the stresses BF is under right now and the status of our relationship leading up to him moving. It's a complete picture you base your advice on, oppath, and I really appreciate that.

 

And I agree that he isn't being fair. But now is not the time to jump down his throat about it.

 

I feel the need to respond here seeing as you mentioned my name Star.

 

I never ONCE said he was a bad guy! I dont even know the guy, all I know is what you have said.

 

To be honest I couldnt care less about your relationship and whatever crap you are willing to take, I saw something that I have dealt with in what you have written and that is why I responded. I wish someone had pointed things out to me sooner as when you are in it you dont see it.

 

You are acting like a spoilt child throwing your toys out of the pram Star and you have accused me of saying your boyfriend is a bad guy. That is out of order. I am just saying what everyone else is saying and yet you dig me out?

 

You sure seem to care a whole lot, as demonstrated by how much you post on this thread and call my BF names!

 

Oh, and if I'm a spoiled (not spoilt!) child too, then BF and I are a perfect match, don't ya think?

 

Finally, calling my BF names is akin to calling him a bad guy. Don't they teach that in kindergarten?

[ahah2322]

wow, intense thread.

 

unfortunately, i do think that you're out of line, star, for being so hard on lishy. i do know where you're coming from (how your bf is mad at the situation, and not at you) but really, do you really want a bf who seems to always be going through a rough patch?

 

seriously, life is marked by plenty of rough patches and what you want is a guy who knows how to handle such situations instead of moaning and bitching always (to his gf, no less). allina has explained it perfectly.

 

i wouldn't go so far to say that that's a character flaw (as not everybody is perfect) but you ought to look into that.

 

no offence, but you're really being a little too hard on lishy especially since she has taken time and effort to reply to your thread.

[Krytie TV]

The bf snapping at you in times of frustration is only a foresight into things to come, whether you want to see it or not.

[Sweetcheripie]

I basically said a variation of the bolded part above. He didn't realize he had snapped at me, and apologized profusely.

 

The hardest thing for me is realizing it's NOT about me. I honestly have this problem when it comes to everyone in my life - friends, coworkers, family. If they're in a mood, I assume it's something I've done and wrack my brain trying to determine what I did and how to rectify it, but I usually only end up irritating them further by trying to hard to put them in a good mood.

 

 

Really late reply here - sorry bout that! But what you have said here is so true for so many people and it is GREAT that you are realizing it! Were you an only child? Did your mom basically build her world around you or was she distant? Maybe growing up you felt a HUGE responsibility for the happiness of your mom and that is a tough burden for a little kid. Kids that grow up the center of attention (not saying that like you are spoiled but with no one else to take some of the "stuff") tend to feel they are responsible for everyones happiness and feel like no matter what they do it is not good enough.

 

Sounds like your boyfriend has a little bit of that going on too - maybe one reason why you two are connecting and really falling hard for each other quickly - you are a lot alike.

 

I maybe totally off base here - but it seems like EVERYBODY I know has raw nerves right now because of the holiday stress etc. You two have so much stress going - and a lot of it is stress sort of out of your control - like what is going to happen in the future? The anxiety must be out of control!

 

My suggestion is that you really try to relax. Go have a spa day for you. Honestly, not trying to put a "bandaid" on things but we can all hear the sadness and frustration you are going through right now. I think seeing a therapist would be great - just someone to bounce ideas off that can see your body language and the pain/happiness you are going through.

 

I think everybody that has responded here DOES care about you. Some are projecting their pain - they either want you to bail NOW because they don't want you to get hurt or others see how much you love this guy and want to give you the right words etc to make it all better but overall everyone is trying to help.

 

Only you know what is going on with the boyfriend but my two cents is that both of you are just wound up so tight right now that it is like the worlds largest magnifying glass is making everything seem much larger than it is. He is cranky - you nailed it. Cranky kids need a time out and usually a good nap. When they don't get those needs met they become little monsters!

 

I am oversimplfying but just try to relax!

[Touche]

Well, you misunderstood a little. He's been legitimately mad at me only once. That is, there has been ONE occasion where it was very clear to me that he was in fact mad at me, and not an external situation. He was right to be angry, as I wasn't very nice.

 

But in addition, he has only "taken it out on me" ONCE as well - last Friday.

 

Every other time, he'll just be complaining about a situation, and I am just there to listen. "Oh man, that sucks, wow..." etc., is how I respond. HOWEVER, even though he's complaining about something else other than me, I always somehow think he's still - for some unknown reason - irritated with me. I make it all about me, and it's not, and I don't know how to stop thinking that way. I thought I made that clear in the first two or three pages of this thread...that I fear he correlates bad things happening with me, but also think he correlates good things to me.

 

Ok, then you know what you have to do. Stop taking things so personally. Easier said than done I guess.

 

As for my being called out on my "intuition." I still stand by what I said, BUT it's going to be up to you if this ends up being a match, from what I can see. Your reactions to things will be key in this relationship. You don't want to sabotage this.

 

So yeah, I still stand by my intuition. Not exactly sure why I was called out on that.

 

Your reactions really are key, SG. Don't let him snap at you or keep you hanging. Don't take things personally that aren't meant to be personal and you should be fine.

[Kamille]

Dear dear SG. I am on the other side of the 'snap at SO' tournament. Last week, I pulled away from bf a little bit at a moment when he felt closer then ever and ever since then we have been a bit rocky. I became impatient and snappy, he responded by trying to do everything to please me, which eventually led to him taking everything I did personnally, which only helped to make me feel like a total bitch for letting small things get on my nerves.

 

I finally completely snapped which at least had the result of prompting a heart to heart conversation, and now things seem to be a bit better.

 

My advice? Don't try to be sweet and understanding with him so much. Only he can help himself out of his bad mood.

[Lishy]

I never did call your boyfriend a bad guy - I called him spoiled and childish and I told you that he is taking his moods out on you

 

He is

 

And to be honest he sounds like a real prick. (Did I spell that right? )

 

It also sounds like you derserve each other!

 

... See you in the breakup section soon!

Edited January 2, 2008 by Lishy

[whichwayisup]

This all still comes down to the 4 months you two have been together as a couple and a good test to see how much glue is between you.

 

There is no reason why you can't tell him, "Look, I am sorry that you are stressed out, I know life has thrown afew curves at you recently, I wish I could help, but you shut me out and it hurts." or something like that...

 

You should be able to speak your mind, speak from your heart without getting upset and without him getting irked. Walking on egg shells, questioning his motives, questioning what he feels or doesn't feel for you and if this relationship is going to last or be a LTR, will only create drama and insecure feelings that you don't need.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

You should be able to speak your mind, speak from your heart without getting upset and without him getting irked. Walking on egg shells, questioning his motives, questioning what he feels or doesn't feel for you and if this relationship is going to last or be a LTR, will only create drama and insecure feelings that you don't need.

 

agreed. i think everyone is saying pretty much this very thing over and over again, in 1000 different ways, because it's true. as i said before, even those who disagreed about it previously are starting to see it. (which is quite obviously why i mentioned it, touche. there's no hidden reason there.)

 

star, you've said yourself that you find yourself watching what you say, planning out how you say things so you don't get a bad reaction. that is walking on eggshells, but you say you don't do that. now you're asking how to just deal with it when he treats you this way, because you realize you're not going to stop it from happening.

 

even if he is not coming right out and blaming you for his problems, he is treating in a way that is making you feel like you are responsible...even though you know you're not. yelling at you and hanging up on you, making you feel like crap for no good reason--that is taking it out on you. calling yourself an overly sensitive ninny doesn't mean it's okay for him to be a jerk to you.

 

it just seems like you wrote this thread, just as you wrote all the others, you're going to come back and say what a wonderful time you had over nye/nyd whatever, and how we're obvioulsy all wrong about your relationship. then you're going to start a new thread the next time he dumps his moods on you, and then defend him when people tell you that it's wrong for him to do that. then you're going to say he doesn't do it at all...it's become a pattern--and after only 4 months!

 

you obviously think he is worth all this trouble, so i don't really know what the problem is then, i guess. what is it that you want to know? or what do you really want help with concerning your relationship?

Edited January 2, 2008 by KenzieAbsolutely

[Trialbyfire]

In an idealized romantic relationship, both partners will always be perfect with each other, never snapping or projecting, always respecting each other as perfect individuals.

 

Okay, now back to reality folks!

 

It's how you both choose to deal with it that affects make or break. There will be some non-negotiables and some soft boundaries, giving leeway if and when needed.