allina Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 He did apologize when he called back. I think I just need to ride out this storm and process how I'm feeling about all of this. I'm glad he apologized but he still needs to know that you will not be bitched at and disrespected, even when it is followed up with an "I'm sorry." What's going on now? Are you still going to ski with him this weekend?
Author Star Gazer Posted December 29, 2007 Author Posted December 29, 2007 What's going on now? Are you still going to ski with him this weekend? See post #121. I'm working, he's skiing. We're supposed to go on NYE and NYD. We'll see.
allina Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 See post #121. I'm working, he's skiing. We're supposed to go on NYE and NYD. We'll see. Sorry, I missed that. I hope NYE&NYD go well for you two.
Lishy Posted December 30, 2007 Posted December 30, 2007 I agree that he is acting like a spoilt brat kid! Boot him into touch!
Author Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 Well, ya know what? I love him just the same. He's going through a lot right now, so he's gonna get a little bit of leeway for the time being.
Ariadne Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Well, ya know what? I love him just the same. He's going through a lot right now, so he's gonna get a little bit of leeway for the time being. Oh, come on. How are you going to love that schmo? lol Ariadne
Touche Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Yes but be careful that you don't give him too much rope or he'll end up hanging himself. Now is the time to establish how he treats you because once a pattern is established, it's hard to change it. Not impossible but way harder. Also, remember I said how important it was to watch how he handles disappointment? Taking disappointment out on those we love should be the exception rather than the rule. Our mate is supposed to cushion the blows from the outside world, not be the cause of them. Kritie was dead on. Wise post. I couldn't agree more on that one. It was my point on your previous post about when he had his skis stolen. Watch carefully, SG.
norajane Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Well, ya know what? I love him just the same. He's going through a lot right now, so he's gonna get a little bit of leeway for the time being. Follow your heart, sweets. You know him best, and you know how he makes you feel. Enjoy New Year's... (see, this is why we need new smileys...a little devil would have been better right there, and I had to settle for the winking dude.)
Touche Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Oh, come on. How are you going to love that schmo? lol Ariadne Are you ok, Ariadne? Wow, this is not saying much for SG's relationship. You're like the worst romantic ever. I mean a guy can be beating his g/f and you're all "Awww, but you know he loves you. He bought you a box of chocolates the other day. Some of us would be happy if we had a boyfriend who gave us chocolates but only beat us once in a while."
Author Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 Yes but be careful that you don't give him too much rope or he'll end up hanging himself. As long as he doesn't hang ME, I'm okay with that!! Also, remember I said how important it was to watch how he handles disappointment? Taking disappointment out on those we love should be the exception rather than the rule. Our mate is supposed to cushion the blows from the outside world, not be the cause of them. He suffered another huge disappointment on Saturday - details are unnecessary. As a result, he stressed me out yesterday and earlier today by avoiding me, not talking to me...which I took as something being wrong with ME again, rather than something wrong externally with his situation. See, after he was in a mood on Friday, I had explained to him that he hurt my feelings when he snapped at me. He didn't realize he had done so, and was very regretful, so I think rather than handling himself better right now, he's chosen to avoid me for fear of getting upset at the situation and unintentionally hurting my feelings. I'd prefer that, quite honestly. Nevertheless, again, he's in a stressed place right now. You know how you can have a really, really bad day and think, "Jeez, I just need to go to bed so I can start fresh tomorrow?" Well, he's had that bad of a MONTH. Every day something goes wrong - nothing goes as planned, or how he wants it to...something is always messed up. Last week, one of his days was so bad, one thing after another, that during the fifth call of the day to tell me yet another thing that had gone wrong, I actually started laughing... (I couldn't help it - it was like something out of a sitcom!). I don't know if it's bad luck or what, but he's been having a pretty hard time all-around. I feel for him, I really do...and I'm trying to balance that against my own needs (which I feel, at times, are a little irrational and unfair...like Shadowplay's [no offense!]). Follow your heart, sweets. You know him best, and you know how he makes you feel. Enjoy New Year's... Thanks, NJ. You too.
Ariadne Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Are you ok, Ariadne? Wow, this is not saying much for SG's relationship. You're like the worst romantic ever. (Well, what can I say...)
Touche Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Sorry to say, SG that I'm seeing a real problem here. You say you'd rather have him just stay away when he's disappointed? But then he would have had to stay away for a whole month. And what about in the future? There are always disappointments. This is not a minor issue, I'm afraid to say. He's handling himself like a child when what you need is a man. He should be able to calmly talk to you and come to you and let you be his sounding board...not his punching bag (so to speak.) I don't like this. I won't lie. (So THERE to those who think I just pander to my "friends" on here...nope.) I'm not saying it's a lost cause at all, SG but given what I know of you and given what I now know about how he handles life's disappointments, I'm questioning this match. I'm questioning the compatibility here. Maybe it's just a matter of bad timing. It's hard to say whether he's generally like this or it's situational. Still though....I'm concerned.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 (edited) I'd rather he be where he is ("hiding" where there is no cell service) than have him snap at me, yes. Trust me though... I'm concerned too, really. Why else would I have started this thread? But there are too many factors going on right now to truly understand what's causing him to be moody and react the way he does. I know better than to turn a blind eye to his coping mechanism, but I think it's too soon to tell whether this is "him" or just a bad time for him. Once he's in a better place, I think we'll be able to talk about it. But talking to an angry bull about the way he charges while he's actively seeing red isn't too wise...best to wait until he's under the tree resting and smelling the daisies. Until he gets to that calm point (assuming he does!), I need to learn how learn the difference between when he's irritated at ME or irritated at the SITUATION, and when it's the latter, how to not take it personally. That's my primary goal here, at least for now. Edited December 31, 2007 by Star Gazer
Touche Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I'd rather he be where he is ("hiding" where there is no cell service) than have him snap at me, yes. Snapping at you shouldn't even be an option. And at this early stage of the game, it's worrisome. Trust me though... I'm concerned too, really. Why else would I have started this thread? I know, SG. But I assume you want feedback though right? I'm agreeing with you that this isn't right. Otherwise I would have said "get over yourself, you're being too sensitive." But there are too many factors going on right now to truly understand what's causing him to be moody and react the way he does. I know better than to turn a blind eye to his coping mechanism, but I think it's too soon to tell whether this is "him" or just a bad time for him. Once he's in a better place, I think we'll be able to talk about it. But talking to an angry bull about the way he charges while he's actively seeing red isn't too wise...best to wait until he's under the tree resting and smelling the daisies. I agree with all of that. Yes. Still though, and I think others have previously pointed this out, when a relationship is new, we're at our BEST. If this his best, well I don't know.... Until he gets to that calm point (assuming he does!), I need to learn how learn the difference between when he's irritated at ME or irritated at the SITUATION, and when it's the latter, how to not take it personally. That's my primary goal here, at least for now. This makes sense. But again, the times he takes things out on you that have nothing to do with you should be the exception to the rule and not the other way around. Because, yeah, we all do it to an extent. The problems start if life's disappointments are ALWAYS handled by taking them out on those we love. Shouldn't he be calling you and saying, "Oh what a bummer of a day, SG. I really need to see you. I'll feel better about everything if I can spend time with you, hold you and have you just listen." That's the kind of treatment we Goddesses expect you know. I've said this a million times before, (as my mother has to me in the past) Are you a Goddess or a doormat? You have to handle this as you see fit, obviously, but if he dismissed me in such a way as he did to you over the phone, I wouldn't have been quite as available after that. Remember, we TEACH people how to treat us. And you just taught him that it's ok for him to dismiss you in that rude way.
shadowplay Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I just finished reading the whole thread. Don't take this the wrong way, but I get the sense your boyfriend feels some underlying resentment toward you that is really inner guilt turned outwards. It only comes to a head when he's under stress and feels pulled in a million different directions. He assumes that you need a lot from him, and he feels guilty on some level that he can't provide that. He doesn't think he can give to you as much as you want, at least all of the time. I don't think this has much to do with your own behavior. Perhaps you act a bit insecure and needy at times (in response to his moods), but I think it has more to do with something in his personality or his past. I'm guessing at some point in his life somebody put a lot of demands on him (maybe a parent growing up?), so he's now wary of any behavior he interprets as demanding -- whether real or imagined. As others pointed out, you may also be paying for the sins of past girlfriends who were overly needy. He may assume all women are like that. But I have a feeling that it goes deeper than that, back to some formative event. It must be really frustrating for you that he seems to resent you for things you haven't even done. I think you know what you need to do. Just be consistent and don't get on an emotional rollercoaster. Let him know that you're not hanging on his every word or action. I know you want to squeeze in as much time as possible before he leaves, but I think you should forgo a little quanity in the interest of quality. The quality of your time will be higher if you're unavailable occasionally. Maybe he feels like you're always waiting around for him. Let him know that's not the case and you have your own life outside of work and him. When he acts petulent pull back a little and do your own thing. Let him cool off, but maintain a sweet demeanor. I can definitely relate to what you said about not being able to tell the difference between your own insecurity and valid concerns. I think when in doubt, let it go. You'll know when he's crossed a line. Hope things work out, and Happy NY's.
Krytie TV Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I really think that this is a bad situation. Stress never goes away, and I can't imagine spending a life with someone who thinks the "turtle method" and snapping at loved ones is the way to handle it. This seems to be a case of love is blind. I hope you get your sight back before it's too late.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 Shadow, you may be on to something here. First, did I say that he feels like he's being pulled "in a million different directions" in this thread? If not, that's creepy...because that's exactly what he said to me on Friday night. In response to that, I told him there's no pressure coming from me (not entirely true, but it's certainly not my intention to pressure him ... ). I know his last ex was pretty demanding to the point of being ridiculous. When he told me one particular thing she 'required' of him that he provided, I thought HE was crazy for following through. He also has some negative experiences that are related to his dad, not from a demanding perspective, but from the point of being told he was a disappointment. I don't feel comfortable going into the details, and truth be told I don't know all of them because it's quite a touchy subject. But even from the very get go of our relationship, he's apologized for "disappointing me," even where there was literally no disappointment to be had. He seems to be hyper-sensitive about letting people down - particularly me and his mother. Because of my own crap - work, family, etc. - I think I may have put him in the position of feeling as though he's responsible for my happiness this week, particularly regarding NYE, which is just bad, bad timing given the sh*t he's going through too. *Sigh* Is it weird that I wish we had one more day between now and NYE so he could spend even more time with his family - and away from me - to get space and value our time together more?
Author Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 This seems to be a case of love is blind. I hope you get your sight back before it's too late. It might be. That's why I use you guys as my night vision goggles.
johan Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 Star, we all know a blow job would fix all this.
shadowplay Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I think some of his resentment may also stem from the fact that you're so good to him. Often people will get resentful of somebody who is good to them when they feel insecure or undeserving. It's like they feel guilty for not being able to return all of that goodness, so they deflect the guilt onto the other person. It's also a basic mistrust of others. Some people assume others are only good to them if they secretly want something in return. The way to break this cycle is by not bending over backwards for him, or tolerating his behavior when it's out of line. I can't tell you're not the doormat type, but I think you may be trying to win him over with sweetness when he's in a bad mood and it backfires. Take this: "I don't have a particular answer in mind, I'm just curious about timing so that I can figure out whether I have time to do other stuff while you're tied up. I know you don't want to be there, and I'm in no rush." Then to be a doormat, I add, "It'll be a relaxing night when you're done. Let me know if you want me to make dinner or have something waiting when you get here." I know you were just trying to make him happy because you love him, but he may react differently because he's prone to feeling easily pressured. In the future, I would make other plans if he cancels on you at the last minute. But let him know in a polite way, so he doesn't think you're trying to punish him. Something like "Don't worry about it, since you're busy I might hang out with so and so at so and so. Talk to yoiu later." If you don't have any place to go, let him know that it's cool and you'll just spend the evening catching up on reading/sleep. I too am wishing I had a little distance from my bf before NYE's to let things blow over... Ah well.
Trialbyfire Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 There's a time to press your b/f and a time not to do it. When he's feeling frayed, isn't the time to do it. I agree that you need to assert yourself more SG, but it has to be at the right moment and a little at a time, otherwise he'll balk, since the two of you have already created a pattern of relationship behaviour. He's currently feeling pressured so anything more will be like him hitting a brick wall.
Lishy Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 (edited) Star ... In my recent thread about breaking up with my boyfriend you questioned why I would leave a man that I love! My ex was not exactly the same as yours but very similar in the childish way that he deals with things and blocks you out and he would also react in a way that made me feel as if I needed to walk on eggshells. I have dealt with this for 18 months and it wasnt as consistant as it seems to be with your guy and honey it wore me down and THAT is why I broke up with him! I dont want to be away from him but sometimes we need to take the rose coloured spectacles off and see things in black and white! Do you want to be with a guy who takes things out on you? No you are not imagining it honey, this is what he does to you - Almost as if he wants you to feel as bad as he does! I dont know his past history with relationships but I cant bet that he has done the same to every other girl he has been with! It is almost like they are spolit kids but when you look and see a big grown man it is a bit off putting! From what I know of you on here I would judge you as a very warm and loving person who has alot of insecurities based on her past experiences! You seem like a good person who tries to see good in others and certain people take advantage of that. I do not believe that you should molly coddle him when he is in this mood Star, I think you need to snap back and tell him to call you when he is in a good mood again. We ALL have stresses but we dont all take it out on someone we are supposed to love do we? Also remeber that we set the tone at the beginning of a relationship and you are teaching him how to treat you right now. You are also giving him a green light to treat you as he is now. You are not comfortable with it, so why do you allow it? I do believe we are dealing with the same type of man and it gets worse Star! I know that as I have lived it! I know you probably dont want to hear this as you love him but you need to make a stand and let him know you will not be his battering ram anymore! Edited December 31, 2007 by Lishy
Author Star Gazer Posted December 31, 2007 Author Posted December 31, 2007 Lishy, you make him sound like he takes stuff out on me...his "battering ram"? "Punching bag"? C'mon now. I think you're hypersensitive to my BF's mood because of your bad experience over 18 months. My BF has had a bad couple of weeks, and he's been moody - absolutely true. But he's also been absolutely amazing at the same time. I just have a hard time dealing with the moody part because I have I have a hard time discerning when he'd mad at me (only once so far - an well deserved) and when he's just mad at a situation he's experiencing. Seriously, he's hardly "taking things out on me" or being "nasty." I'm the one who talks to him daily, I know this. Yes, I'm here complaining, but if I were to post a thread everytime he does something that makes me swoon, this entire forum would look like "Deeelliiiiillllaaaaahhhh," and you would all be like this: Also, when he says things like, "Ffffffuuuuccckkkk!" out of exasperation at a situation, he's yelling at the air, not at me. (And that has only happened once.) Don't you do that? Stub your toe and scream an expletive? Are you suggesting he should keep quiet when he's frustrated? Shouldn't I be here to support him when he's going through a hard time? Finally - BF is anything but spoiled. Anything but. If there's a spoiled brat in this relationship, it's me.
Lishy Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I was talking about emotional battering Star. If things were really so wonderful hon would you be here stresing over him? You are saying one thing and then defending it in the next sentence. Many people have bad moods and bad days but we dont take it out on our partners. You are new into this relationship but it wont take long for things to get worse and his treatment of you will get worse too as you are allowing it by molly coddling him when he acts this way. I too could also tell you a million wonderful things my ex did Star but after a while the bad outweighs it, as you will know soon!
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