KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I'd rather not discuss it, but I am just...so much more hurt now than I thought possible. well if you change your mind, you know where to find us. just because we thought he was acting jerky doesn't mean we're out to getcha. please remember that.
Touche Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Awww, hugs Star. I'm sure it's not that bad. You've got so much going on right now. Just be good to yourself, ok?
Ariadne Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I'd rather not discuss it, but I am just...so much more hurt now than I thought possible. He met someone else?
amerikajin Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 He went to a strip club and got a lap dance?
amerikajin Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 All bullsh*t aside, I think you are trying to find someone and maybe trying a bit too hard. I know that's easy for me to sit here and say that, and I'm sure that you are at a point in your life where you're thinking a lot about things like marriage, kids and wanting a family life -- all of that is perfectly understandable. But just take it one step at a time. Find the *right* guy first. You've probably got a network of friends who can hook you up with a good bachelor, right? I don't know this guy. Maybe he's ok. Maybe it's a guy who would have worked out at some other point in your (or his) life, I don't know. Who cares? Be patient. Don't throw this away over trivial sh*t, but at the same time, don't force something that's not there. Judge him for his character first and foremost. You'll be better able to prioritize everything else after that, I think.
Nemo Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 All bullsh*t aside, Yes, but I'm sick of sitting this one out. It irks to lurk. Whatever the outcome - and I'm not sure if this is the end of the beginning, or the end of the end - I hope there are some positives to come out of this relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I hope there are some positives to come out of this relationship. I agree...if only from a learning experience.
sunshinegirl Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 SG, there are clearly a lot of people on here who really care about you. I hope that's an encouragement when you're going through such tough stuff, including whatever this latest twist and turn is. Even when you don't like what you're reading, my impression is that every person who has responded to you wants to help. I hope things get better soon. (((hugs)))
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Whatever it is that he's done to you, made you feel so sick, now is the time to end it and stay away from him. He is unhealthy for you and no relationship, especially at the beginning stages, or even 4 months along, should be this drama filled, and make you cry so much. Hugs SG. I hope you're alright.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 She found out he was cheating on her all along Lishy, I am so sick of your negativity! ENOUGH ALREADY! Why are you REPEATEDLY trying to kick me when I'm down?!?!?!?!?! :mad::mad: But regarding what made me sick to my stomach, I misinterpreted something, did a little digging, and then was embarrassed for myself for jumping to conclusions. So...we had a long talk last night... a really good, calm, rational talk that reinforced my gut-instinct about where he really was in all of this. He's been purposefully pushing me away and not wanting to fall in love because of the timing. He's also very insecure about his current job instability and inability to provide for me or do really nice things for me. For example, when it came to the loss of romantic feelings, he said, "In the beginning, I wanted to do all sorts of nice things for you. But I couldn't because, as you know, I'm totally broke...and that's so embarrassing to admit. But I wanted to take you out, send you flowers and chocolate covered strawberries to work, take you on weekends away, stuff like that. But all I could really afford to do was the little-little things, making you coffee in the morning (he doesn't touch the stuff), making you dinner all the time, etc. My inability to do those things made me feel really bad. And with my job insecurity, I just became even more insecure about what I can do for you, and how I can keep us together through all of this, because you deserve the world. I feel like less of a man because I just can't give you everything I want to. I can't do much right now, Star. So I've been convincing myself not to even want to do those things for you, trying to talk myself out of falling in love with you. I've been trying very hard." I realize now that about the time when he started questioning the relationship (3 or so weeks ago by his calendar) he kinda stopped doing the "little things." This is how I knew he was pulling away. One of those things was making me morning coffee and putting it in this particular little travel mug for me to take with me to work. Like I said, he never drinks the stuff. I realize now that he stopped making me coffee back then when the doubts started coming. I didn't really notice at the time that the coffee stopped coming. So last night when we were talking (on the phone), he asked me why I stopped drinking coffee. I told him I drink it at the office now. He asked why. I thought about it for a second and then told him, "Because you stopped making it for me." Then he asked me to come over and sleep-sleep with him so he could make me coffee in the morning, so he could go back to doing all the little things...that is, the things that he can do for me right now. So I did, and I was a good girl. There was much more to the conversation, he was very emotional. But basically I walked away this morning truly believing that he cares deeply about me, wants me in his life, but that we really have a problem with the timing of what's going on in his life. We'll see how things pan out. Anyway, I've received tons of helpful and thoughtful advice, criticism, and rhetorical questions here, as well as dealt with someone who likes to kick me when I'm down. However, with so many conflicting opinions and ideas about how to proceed, I'm only getting more confused. I'll think one way and then come here and someone will change my mind. I'm trying to strike a balance between my heart and my head, and both are being pulled in all sorts of directions. I think I've heard enough to spend some serious time thinking about this on my own for a while.
sunshinegirl Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 no relationship, especially at the beginning stages, or even 4 months along, should be this drama filled, and make you cry so much. This is good stuff. My first real adult relationship, 8 years ago or so, was incredibly drama-filled from the get-go -- but I loved that guy so much that I hung in there for almost 2 years. At one point, my (married) sister gently commented, "it just seems like it shouldn't be this hard." Quiet words, but they stuck with me. Once I finally got over that relationship (post-script: he was gay! we were never going to work!), I really took her words to heart and it became a real litmus test of all my later relationships. There simply should not be so much struggle, especially at the beginning stages. If there is, I take it as a big flashing sign of poor compatibility. Best wishes, SG.
cj1988 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 My H has been in a bad mood for 12 years, it sucks to be around someone like that I know !
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 SG, then relax and let things be. Enjoy the next few weeks with him and don't over think stuff. It is what it is...
amerikajin Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Lishy, I am so sick of your negativity! ENOUGH ALREADY! Why are you REPEATEDLY trying to kick me when I'm down?!?!?!?!?! :mad::mad: But regarding what made me sick to my stomach, I misinterpreted something, did a little digging, and then was embarrassed for myself for jumping to conclusions. So...we had a long talk last night... a really good, calm, rational talk that reinforced my gut-instinct about where he really was in all of this. He's been purposefully pushing me away and not wanting to fall in love because of the timing. He's also very insecure about his current job instability and inability to provide for me or do really nice things for me. For example, when it came to the loss of romantic feelings, he said, "In the beginning, I wanted to do all sorts of nice things for you. But I couldn't because, as you know, I'm totally broke...and that's so embarrassing to admit. But I wanted to take you out, send you flowers and chocolate covered strawberries to work, take you on weekends away, stuff like that. But all I could really afford to do was the little-little things, making you coffee in the morning (he doesn't touch the stuff), making you dinner all the time, etc. My inability to do those things made me feel really bad. And with my job insecurity, I just became even more insecure about what I can do for you, and how I can keep us together through all of this, because you deserve the world. I feel like less of a man because I just can't give you everything I want to. I can't do much right now, Star. So I've been convincing myself not to even want to do those things for you, trying to talk myself out of falling in love with you. I've been trying very hard." I realize now that about the time when he started questioning the relationship (3 or so weeks ago by his calendar) he kinda stopped doing the "little things." This is how I knew he was pulling away. One of those things was making me morning coffee and putting it in this particular little travel mug for me to take with me to work. Like I said, he never drinks the stuff. I realize now that he stopped making me coffee back then when the doubts started coming. I didn't really notice at the time that the coffee stopped coming. So last night when we were talking (on the phone), he asked me why I stopped drinking coffee. I told him I drink it at the office now. He asked why. I thought about it for a second and then told him, "Because you stopped making it for me." Then he asked me to come over and sleep-sleep with him so he could make me coffee in the morning, so he could go back to doing all the little things...that is, the things that he can do for me right now. So I did, and I was a good girl. There was much more to the conversation, he was very emotional. But basically I walked away this morning truly believing that he cares deeply about me, wants me in his life, but that we really have a problem with the timing of what's going on in his life. We'll see how things pan out. Anyway, I've received tons of helpful and thoughtful advice, criticism, and rhetorical questions here, as well as dealt with someone who likes to kick me when I'm down. However, with so many conflicting opinions and ideas about how to proceed, I'm only getting more confused. I'll think one way and then come here and someone will change my mind. I'm trying to strike a balance between my heart and my head, and both are being pulled in all sorts of directions. I think I've heard enough to spend some serious time thinking about this on my own for a while. Star, I think there's a real opportunity for you guys to grow from this experience. I think it's good that he was open and honest with you, and I'm sure he's relieved to get it off his chest. I know I have had similar thoughts in the past -- it's a tough thing for a man to question his ability to provide for someone he cares about and sees a future with. It can eat a guy up internally. Try to reassure him and try not to pressure him. Hopefully, he'll gain more confidence about things and, if you two are flexible enough, maybe things can work out in the long run.
Storyrider Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Wow, I missed the turn this thread took. Sorry all this happened SG. Others have given you great advice.
Florida Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 However, with so many conflicting opinions and ideas about how to proceed, I'm only getting more confused. I'll think one way and then come here and someone will change my mind. I'm trying to strike a balance between my heart and my head, and both are being pulled in all sorts of directions. I think I've heard enough to spend some serious time thinking about this on my own for a while. I think the worst thing that could happen is you become influenced by what you read here and the decision you make is not authentically yours. That would lead to a world of regret. Whatever you decide to do and feel, I'm glad you are making it your own authentic decision. It is easier to live with that way too.
marlena Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I think the worst thing that could happen is you become influenced by what you read here and the decision you make is not authentically yours. That would lead to a world of regret. Yes, I have often thought about this too. How helpful and how detrimental can other people's advice or POV be? Not only where LS is concerned but where real life friends are concerned,too. How good is it for us really to constantly seek advice from others? I used to discuss my problems with my friends all the time until I finally realized I was becoming way too influenced by them. This led to confusion. Nowadays, I tend to keep things more to myself.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I think it's a good idea that you sift through your emotions and make your own decisions. LS is good for providing different POVs, to ensure there aren't areas that you haven't thought of. Beyond that, it's up to you to sift through everything, including and especially your real life interaction with your guy, to reach your own conclusions. Good luck SG, no matter how you choose to handle it.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 i suppose this a good thing for you, but why does it make you so sick to your stomach to find out this information, to the point where you can't discuss it? i just find that a little odd. are you really okay?
Nemo Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 You know sometimes we can meet the right person at the wrong time. Timing is everything in life. So he very well may be the right person for you but it's just not the right time. There was much more to the conversation, he was very emotional. But basically I walked away this morning truly believing that he cares deeply about me, wants me in his life, but that we really have a problem with the timing of what's going on in his life. We'll see how things pan out. Let's hope the timing thing works itself out. We need more happy endings on LoveShack.
Author Star Gazer Posted January 3, 2008 Author Posted January 3, 2008 i suppose this a good thing for you, but why does it make you so sick to your stomach to find out this information, to the point where you can't discuss it? i just find that a little odd. are you really okay? Because everyone will jump down my throat and say, "Ah ha! You THOUGHT that was what the case was, and even though it wasn't, your very thought, no matter how unreasonable, is telling! It's DOOMED!" and that's just not something I need to hear given how very inaccurate and emotional and irrational I was to begin with. But yes, I really am okay.
Storyrider Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Star, don't take this the wrong way, but I was thinking about you in the shower . Well, about your thread and the issue of timing. Of course we can't and shouldn't try to read his mind. But maybe part of him wants to ask you to wait while he's overseas. And another part of him doesn't want to burden you with that or to be selfish by limiting your options. Not to mention the emotional pressure it would put on him while he's trying to focus on his work. So what I'm saying is, maybe he wants to leave the future more vague and unspoken for a reason that doesn't necessarily reflect his feelings for you. But I could be all wet...
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