Citizen Erased Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Star, I don't want to say anything other then I'm sorry this happened and to give you a hug (((hugs))). Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Oh, and I agree with the others that you need to go into NC mode. Even if you managed to win him over by stringing him along as a friend/FWB, you'd lose him the second you allowed yourself to feel again. Break this twisted cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 I agree to this point. He currently feels he's got bigger fish to fry, so he's focusing on the rest first, with the hopes of keeping SG on the backburner, so when his issues get resolved, he can then make a decision about her. Not acceptable. No, I don't believe that. Ok, here is my theory (since I live in fantasy land where all is pretty etc). I think he has feelings for SG (how can he not?) but... but... he wants to militarize himself. Sort of for his life, he wants to be a fighting machine since that's what he does, and he feels like these attachments are going to be a drawback for himself and put everyone at mercy of what happens to him (say, SG will suffer if something were to happen to him). So he is trying to nip it at the bud: He said he adores me as a friend, but when it comes to "romantic feelings," he now has none. He doesn't know why those feelings disappeared, but reasoned that they likely vanished because he didn't want to experience them. What a coincidence that all this happened right after they discussed moving in together. So I can see why this is all so confusing, with him trying to be romantic after he dumped her. When guys dump a girl they don't want to get near her. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 When guys dump a girl they don't want to get near her. Ariadne No, guys can be very conflicted about it and struggle to let go of the things they liked, even loved about the woman and the relationship. I've dumped girls and still wanted to be near them, not for sex, but for the intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Oh yeah, And that would explain why he was acting like an idiot. He probably wanted to turn her off by being a jerk, sort of self sabotage, guys are known to do that too. That's why he'd apologize the next day and feel bad. And also, he was probably thinking about dumping her from before, so that's why he was in a bad mood, because he had to do that. Maybe he's not such an idiot, otherwise, SG wouldn't like him. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 No, guys can be very conflicted about it and struggle to let go of the things they liked, even loved about the woman and the relationship. I've dumped girls and still wanted to be near them, not for sex, but for the intimacy. Yeah, I've done the same. It's when you lose somebody that you remember all the good things. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 No, guys can be very conflicted about it and struggle to let go of the things they liked, even loved about the woman and the relationship. I've dumped girls and still wanted to be near them, not for sex, but for the intimacy. When guys dump girls is because the can't stand them. When they still want to be with them after they dump them is because they still love them. Why did you dump that girl? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 put everyone at mercy of what happens to him (say, SG will suffer if something were to happen to him). All good points in your post except the bolded portion. I don't think this is pertinent. You're romanticizing. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 All good points in your post except the bolded portion. I don't think this is pertinent. You're romanticizing. No, that explains why he keeps his own family at bay. Soldiers love and crave for their families, he is staying away from his too. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 When guys dump girls is because the can't stand them. When they still want to be with them after they dump them is because they still love them. Why did you dump that girl? Because I didn't feel passionate love for her. It was a subtle love I didn't feel was growing more deep, like a love for a good friend, only we had great sex too. I did not see her as the woman I would one day marry. I did have loving feelings for her, but they were lacking. And no, guys don't dump girls because they can't stand them. I'm not going to continue seeing someone just because the sex is good and we get along reasonably well and have some things in common. There needs to be more than that. What SG is struggling with is understanding if there was more than that, if it is all gone, if it was never there, and he is likely struggling with similar emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Oh yeah! He responded that he had forgotten that it was a holiday, and commented that this was his first Christmas and Thanksgiving he'd spent with family in 10 years, so he often forgets about the importance of holidays. See, he met SG and spent xmas with his family for the first time in 10yrs. He was becoming soft, and freaked out.. He probably "loved" being with his family and pulled the plug. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Because I didn't feel passionate love for her.. still wanted to be near them, not for sex, but for the intimacy. Ok, so you didn't want to have sex with her. That's what I meant not get near them, not as if they had an some contagious disease. SG guy instead: He touches my face, looks into my eyes, tries to kiss me, starts actually kissing me, is ridiculously romantic and passionate, and he's very "excited." I'm confused. I tell him, "This is not what "friends" do. I am so confused about what is happening right now." He pulls back and looks at the ceiling and says, "I have no idea what's happening right now either." Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 No, I was ****ing her brains out. But since I was uncertain, I ended things and STOPPED the sex. That doesn't mean I am not confused and in fact, we've been emailing and I'm thinking of trying again. However, we will not be having sex unless we've gone on "dates" and discussed what wasn't working before and why. But the sex was awesome. We were doing it like bunny rabbits. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 No, I was ****ing her brains out. But since I was uncertain, I ended things and STOPPED the sex. That doesn't mean I am not confused and in fact, we've been emailing and I'm thinking of trying again. However, we will not be having sex unless we've gone on "dates" and discussed what wasn't working before and why. But the sex was awesome. We were doing it like bunny rabbits. Out of curiosity was this the Asian woman you started a thread about in November? Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 It's offically a hardcore threadjack. Star would probably like this thread to go away. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Well, I would not go gently into that good night. He can fight for his country, he can stand up for family, but he can't fight for love? Hypocritical possible. Cowardly maybe. If he decides to be your hero and fight you and "us" then he will do it. I would let him know that he should. If you love him, make a last stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 (edited) Contrary to your belief Star I am not pleased and I do not feel as if I got my way. I could just see it more clearly as I am not emotionally invested in it! You jumped on me and that made me mad as I was just saying the same as others but I was not sugar coating it! I have no interest in calling your bf/ex bf names as I do not know him and he has done no wrong to me, I actually like you and I dont want to see you suffer one misery after another. I do, however, stick with the fact that he is a childish prick and he has done this to you because all he really wants is a fk buddy! He thinks that you love him enough to do what he wants with you Dont you dare be his fk buddy! How dare he bring to you his place on NYE and end it and then try to act all romantic just to get sex! How dare he walk on your emotions so blatantly!!!!!!! What does that tell you about him Star? He cares about no one but himself and you will serve yourself a great purpose to walk away and not look back! Where do you meet these *******s? Edited January 2, 2008 by Lishy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted January 2, 2008 Author Share Posted January 2, 2008 I'm taking in all of your responses, and don't have time to post a real long update, but there were a couple things I wanted to address: That line about the holidays not being important to him IS very telling! Imagine how his family feels, that he blows them off as certain holidays are not a big deal to HIM. Again, HIM HIM HIM. He's been in the military and either stationed far away, deployed overseas, or otherwise assigned to a post on a holiday. He didn't have the choice. What a coincidence that all this happened right after they discussed moving in together. We never discussed this, not sure where you came up with that idea. As for last night... *sigh* I caved, and we slept together, twice. He didn't even have to convince me, it was just natural...probably more out of habit than anything. He set a very romantic mood, was very giving and kind all day and all night, and much sweeter and more affectionate than usual. I remained as emotionally distant as I could, and I think he picked up on it. Like many have said, I think he compartmentalized me. I think if his career were not in flux, if he knew he was going to be here forever, this would not be happening. But it is, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not ready to turn off the "friends" switch yet, at least not until he leaves. So I've got two weeks to deal with this, after which I guess the situation will be all that much more clear to me. I feel like I sound like a robot right now, I'm not allowing myself to think or feel, because if I do, I know that I will crumble to pieces. And sh*t, here come the tears. Can't do this today, I've got too much stuff to do. Keep posting, I'll be back later... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 I caved, and we slept together, twice. I'm so sorry that you have gone thru this rough time SG.. Try and be strong.. look at what would be best for you.. SG.. try not to consider what is best for him right now.. I don't think him sleeping with you and making you have even more tortured and confused feelings for him was a very manly thing to do.. It sounds to me that he is taking advantage of the situation and now he is going to use you for sex.. you have even said that he has compartmentalized things.. I hope you can come to some resolution with this that works for both of you.. you sound so hurt and it hurts all of us to see that.. I feel your sorrow.. ... Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Hey, We never discussed this, not sure where you came up with that idea. Oh, you said: that's about the time we were seriously talking about his future plans...at that time And since you said in another thread that you wanted to be with him no matter where he goes, I thought you had talked to him about being with him whererver. Nevermind. As for last night... *sigh* I caved, and we slept together, twice. He didn't even have to convince me, it was just natural... much sweeter and more affectionate than usual.. Wow, that is so confusing. Btw, don't mind too much everything I said. I have a "huge" fantasy land that kicks in at these times. It's very effective. I have Denver guy all figured out in fantasy land too, to the point that I don't know what's real anymore. Well, at least you must be feeling better after being with him, I mean, after thinking you were not going to have him anymore, to be with him again is double as good. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Yeah to be used for sex by a guy you love is fab! Real fairytale stuff! Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Star, I know you're really hurting right now but if you want this guy back, sleeping with him is not the answer. It's the old saying about why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free. Your only chance is to hang out with him without sex, and let him know that you'll only have sex if you guys are in an official relationship. Honestly, I don't think you should be trying to get him back period. He's not good for you. I think you're hanging onto him right now partly to alleviate the pain, but in the end doing so will just draw out the pain longer. You need to pull off the bandaid. Continuing to hang out with him will also chip away at your self esteem. For your own dignity, cut him out of your life completely. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Yeah to be used for sex by a guy you love is fab! Real fairytale stuff! What exactly are you trying to accomplish here, Lishy? Do you enjoy kicking someone while they're down? Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 I just don't know what to say, Star. This is all wrong, every bit of it. The way he led you on, the way he acted to you, you sleeping with him after he tells you de doesn't love you... all wrong. Please just walk away so you at least maintain your dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 He's been in the military and either stationed far away, deployed overseas, or otherwise assigned to a post on a holiday. He didn't have the choice. Thousands and thousands of men/women are in the military and I'm sure many of them feel holidays ARE a big deal, being away from family and friends. Sorry, but that isn't an excuse, it's a choice he's made to not think holidays are a big thing. The circumstances have obviously has something small to do with it, but now that he's home, that shouldn't be the case anymore...Unless he's always felt this way about holidays. He has the choice now though, doesn't he? Anyway, I hope you do some thinking about what it is now you're getting out of this relationship. I know you're upset so I won't say anything more as I don't want to upset you at all. Hugs.. Link to post Share on other sites
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