how do you forgive yourself?

[sedgwick]

I'm having such a tough time forgiving myself for wasting his time the way I did. I had no idea how much I could love another person until I loved him, and now I feel like I'm learning how much I can hurt. I hope that whatever musician he's with now inspires the same kind of passion and devotion in him that he inspired in me. I'm trying not to be jealous of her, whoever she is. (I don't KNOW that there's someone else, as I haven't talked to him in months, but he's so beautiful and sexy and talented, he can't have stayed single for long.)

 

Last night I kept dreaming of him and waking up in a cold sweat. Had to change clothes three times and the sheets twice. At least I'm keeping the laundromat in business with this breakup!

 

I'm really ashamed of myself for thinking I was the kind of person he could have loved. I guess I should just be thankful I learned how much I was capable of loving. I wish I could have been good enough for someone so amazing, but I'm also really embarrassed for thinking I was. God...I wonder if I will ever be able to trust anyone, or myself, ever again? I wonder if I will ever believe that being a writer and dancer is worthwhile, or if I'll just always be ashamed and not reach out to people because of that shame.

Edited December 28, 2007 by sedgwick

[Confused9]

Why are YOU blaming yourself??? Don't say you wasted his time or you werne't good enough for him. He isn't good enough for you, honey! He should have been greatful for your unconditional love and for you being there for him.

 

Why are you putting all the blame on yourself? That's not fair at all. He did this...not you.

 

I don't know your whole story but didn't he cheat? I mean, that isn't YOUR fault!

[sedgwick]

no, he didn't cheat. he broke up with me because i'm not a musician and he feels that whoever she is, the love of his life is an old-time fiddle player. both he and his friends said there was nobody else, but he just felt like he had to go find her. who i am was not enough.

 

the thing that sucks so much is that i sold my first book two weeks before this happened, and he called me from the road saying, "i'm so proud of you, baby! i'm coming home and i'm all yours, we've gotta celebrate!" the night before he dumped me he held me against him and fell asleep telling me he loved me. when we woke up, he was leaving for tour for three months, and he told me he just couldn't be with someone who wasn't a musician. i haven't seen him since. that was in july. i've been driving myself crazy ever since then trying to figure out what i did in those two weeks (only two days of which he was actually in town) to disappoint him so much. i guess he just realized that being a writer isn't as good as being a musician.

Edited December 28, 2007 by sedgwick

[johan]

..he broke up with me because i'm not a musician and he feels that whoever she is, the love of his life is an old-time fiddle player...

 

ha ha... WHAT?? An old time fiddle-player? That's what he needs in a woman?

 

he thing that sucks so much is that i sold my first book two weeks before this happened, and he called me from the road saying, "i'm so proud of you, baby! i'm coming home and i'm all yours, we've gotta celebrate!" the night before he dumped me he held me against him and fell asleep telling me he loved me. when we woke up, he was leaving for tour for three months, and he told me he just couldn't be with someone who wasn't a musician. i haven't seen him since. that was in july. i've been driving myself crazy ever since then trying to figure out what i did in those two weeks (only two days of which he was actually in town) to disappoint him so much. i guess he just realized that being a writer isn't as good as being a musician.

 

You were fine. You did what you thought was right. You can't be any better. The fact that you don't play a fiddle has nothing to do with anything. The guy sounds a bit whimsical, to be honest. Not a lot of substance, if that's how he really operates.

 

What you need to do, but won't, is take him down off the gilded pedestal you have him on and sit his ass down and tell him he's a damn fool. Then turn your back on him and find a guy who needs something more substantial out of a relationship.

[brothermartin]

OK Sedge, I think it's about time you got the real truth here, sense you aren't figuring it out on your own. Listen carefully: IT WAS NOT YOU! Got that? STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S DECISION! STOP THINKING YOU WERE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM BECAUSE OF HIS DECISION!

 

The real thing is, you've put soooooo much attention on this "he dumped me because I wasn't a musician" bulls**t, that it hasn't occurred to you maybe that was just A LIE!!! Maybe he just wanted to be a single guy, on the road with other guys, as a musician so he could f**k other women! And he told you the biggest pile of crap he could think of because he knew YOU would buy it and sit around trying to figure out if it was true. Don't you get it? HE PLAYED YOU!!! HE WAS A COWARD AND DIDN'T HAVE THE KNOBS TO TELL YOU WHY HE REALLY WANTED OUT! He preyed on your sensitive, caring, loving nature and then when things got too deep or too commitment-like, he came up with some nutty ass reason to leave you. Come on! Who would, out of the blue, dump someone that they really loved for a reason like that? You know who? MY EX AND YOUR EX, that's who!! If you really believe that the real reason he left you is because you're not a musician, answer this: Why hasn't he called you to see if you are becoming a musician? Why hasn't he kept tabs on your progress? Why hasn't he offered to pay for your lessons?

Wouldn't you do the same for him if the shoe were on the other foot, sense you really love him?

I'm sorry for coming off so harsh Sedgewick, but you have to stop blaming yourself and stop questioning your own self-worth! If I didn't care, I wouldn't have told you anything.

[sumdude]

I pretty much agree with brothermartin... He's going to be in the road, not going to see you much. Long distance relationships are hard enough and add the fact that he may want to be free to explore what's around him and not worry about hurting you any more then he already has.

 

Still a crappy thing to tell you. He has obviously some strange preconcieved notion of what he thinks he wants. It isn't you, it's him. Some man out there will think you being a writer is da bomb so let him go and seek anew.

[sedgwick]

johan: yes, he's an old-time musician, and he wants to find another.

 

brothermartin: this guy is 32 and i'm the 5th woman he's ever slept with. it took him almost four months of dating to sleep with me. before that he dated a girl for 8 months and never slept with her because he won't sleep with someone he doesn't love. i wish it was as easy as him just wanting to f**k around while on the road, because then i could understand it.

 

and i don't know if he's tried to contact me or not. i blocked all his contact info (email, phone, myspace) after our last conversation on aug 28.

 

i really, honestly do think he may have been telling the truth. i've never met ANYONE who was as obsessed with ANYTHING as this dude and old-time music.

Edited December 29, 2007 by sedgwick

[brothermartin]

johan: yes, he's an old-time musician, and he wants to find another.

 

brothermartin: this guy is 32 and i'm the 5th woman he's ever slept with. it took him almost four months of dating to sleep with me. before that he dated a girl for 8 months and never slept with her because he won't sleep with someone he doesn't love. i wish it was as easy as him just wanting to f**k around while on the road, because then i could understand it.

 

and i don't know if he's tried to contact me or not. i blocked all his contact info (email, phone, myspace) after our last conversation on aug 28.

 

i really, honestly do think he may have been telling the truth. i've never met ANYONE who was as obsessed with ANYTHING as this dude and old-time music.

Well if he was telling the truth, don't you think that makes him really weird?

If he hadn't dumped you before who's to say that he wouldn't have dumped you later just because he was so obsessed? I'm sorry but IMO you don't just kick somebody to the curb that you profess to love because you have a fiddle fetish! That's insane!! And how do you know how many many women he's been with? Did he tell you that stuff? No man tells the woman he loves how many women he's been with no matter what the number is!!! The more you tell me about this guy the less I understand what you saw in him!!

[kkthxbye]

Congratulations on your book!!!! Did you know that getting your book published is one of my worst fears?? I have been writing for years, and just now decided to put together my first novel. For all of my anxiety, fear of criticism, and rejection, I tell my H it will stay forever on the pc until I get courage.

 

Courage. Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. You share your success and the courage it took to do what I dream, and I'll give you my courage to find the One person you were meant for.

 

You know what comes easy for me? Loving someone. And what is hard about life? Forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for loving someone who was not meant for you. That's it. That's the only forgiveness I see. People will argue with just that, that you don't need to forgive anything, but sometimes its a start. You did nothing wrong, and you'll see this very soon.

 

Take what you learned, remember how it felt to just be, and move forward. Take your success and enjoy what you have earned. It is time for ExB to go out into his world and earn his success. You want him to be happy right? He's out there trying to find it, and that is all you can wish for. Well done! Just feel glorious that he's where he wants to be, he's happy.

 

You know what? NOW IS YOUR TIME!! Bathe yourself in your excitement for passion. Let your writing pick up this moment, use it to write something powerful. Let this adventure move you, and move through you. Let your written words become your music, your song. He will be sad that he lost you, because you are a master musician of your own life. And You probably did it with natural ease, as others struggle so much. Pat yourself on the back, and take this time to just feel wonderful. I'm certainly proud of you. And I know I'm just a random stranger crossing your path. But You gave me hope, and I hope I can give some back to you.

 

You'll look back on this one day and laugh. You know you will. It takes time. And while you're busy, you'll draw the one person closer to you that was meant to really make a romance novel about.

[sedgwick]

kthxbye...thank you so much. that was so sweet of you to say. and this was not at all an easy process...took me two years to get an agent, and then i was with that agent for another two years, working on a gajillion versions of the proposal, before she went on an indefinite leave due to family issues and told me i had her permission to find another agent. so then i got rejected by 10 agents before getting my current one, then got rejected by 14 publishers before finding one (although it's the one i wanted most out of everyone we sent it to.) the whole process, from conception to selling, took six years.

 

brothermartin, i've had the "what's your past sexual history" conversation with every guy i've ever dated! and i absolutely believe him. this was confirmed by his closest friend (a woman -- one he's never slept with.) why wouldn't you be open about the number? i am! i've never had a guy be reticent to tell me. to me that's just part of being responsible about sex and getting to know each other! one of the things i really loved about him was that he was so honest -- brutally, at times, but truthfulness was of major importance to him.

[brothermartin]

kthxbye...thank you so much. that was so sweet of you to say. and this was not at all an easy process...took me two years to get an agent, and then i was with that agent for another two years, working on a gajillion versions of the proposal, before she went on an indefinite leave due to family issues and told me i had her permission to find another agent. so then i got rejected by 10 agents before getting my current one, then got rejected by 14 publishers before finding one (although it's the one i wanted most out of everyone we sent it to.) the whole process, from conception to selling, took six years.

 

brothermartin, i've had the "what's your past sexual history" conversation with every guy i've ever dated! and i absolutely believe him. this was confirmed by his closest friend (a woman -- one he's never slept with.) why wouldn't you be open about the number? i am! i've never had a guy be reticent to tell me. to me that's just part of being responsible about sex and getting to know each other! one of the things i really loved about him was that he was so honest -- brutally, at times, but truthfulness was of major importance to him.

In my experiences, you don't talk about how many people you've slept with.

I've talked about how many real relationships I've had, yes. But not about all the women I've slept with. Maybe I'm too used to dealing with insecure women in relationships, so that's kinda of a pattern for me. But now it sounds like your making excuses for him. All that matters is he bailed on you, and his reason for doing so seems unrealistic and self-absorbed to me.

And you can't really love someone if your that wrapped up in yourself. Regardless of what you think about yourself, this had nothing to do with you.

[so_sad]

Sedgwick, I have to say that I agree with what a lot of people are saying. Namely, that the reason he broke up with you sounds like an excuse. If it really was because you aren't a fiddle player...well then, I'm sorry, but that's an incredibly capricious and selfish reason. I can't imagine that someone who thinks like that could be a good candidate for a meaningful, long-term relationship.

 

I know it hurts to hear this (because people are saying it to me too) but you really are probably better off out of this relationship. People keep saying that to me, and I defend my relationship with my ex and tell them how amazing parts of it were (key word being "parts") and moan about how they don't understand what we had. But you know what? They're right. I am better off without this person who, at the end of the day, simply walked out on the commitment we had made to each other. And I suspect that you really are better off without someone who could make such silly and foolish decisions. This guy may be beautiful and creative, but he's just a human being like any of us. He is not a god. He is not better than you. And please don't ever be ashamed for thinking that you were good enough for him. You were, you are...you are good enough, period.

[lindya]

no, he didn't cheat. he broke up with me because i'm not a musician and he feels that whoever she is, the love of his life is an old-time fiddle player. both he and his friends said there was nobody else, but he just felt like he had to go find her. who i am was not enough.

 

the thing that sucks so much is that i sold my first book two weeks before this happened, and he called me from the road saying, "i'm so proud of you, baby! i'm coming home and i'm all yours, we've gotta celebrate!" the night before he dumped me he held me against him and fell asleep telling me he loved me. when we woke up, he was leaving for tour for three months, and he told me he just couldn't be with someone who wasn't a musician.

 

First of all - congratulations on not just writing, but selling your book. That's a huge deal. I'd venture that it's a much bigger deal than travelling around the countryside playing old style music and looking for a female fiddler.

 

Those two words "female fiddler" bring to mind the picture of a drippy chick in a mauve blouson with beads all over the shop...stinking of patchouli and with hair that's so long that she keeps tripping over it when she's tapping her feet to The Devil Went Down To Georgia. Surely you're not mad enough about this guy that you'd want to turn into that for him?

 

i guess he just realized that being a writer isn't as good as being a musician.

 

Is that what you think, or what he thinks? Being a writer might not be as cool as being a rock star playing to a stadium filled with 25,000 people....but I've a suspicion that your ex and his olde fiddle music aren't fitting into that category.

[sedgwick]

oh my god lindya...i am cracking up! thanks for that!

 

can i just tell you that one of the first things he asked me was if i would grow out my body hair? on my legs and...well, i don't really have to say where else. i am one of those people who looooooves the waxing and would happily electrolysize (word?) my entire body if i had the cash. he used to go on about how sexy girls with leg hair were. i told him that when he started wearing deodorant, we could talk.

 

the weird thing is that one time we were talking about our celebrity crushes, and i said i'd always thought david bowie was the most beautiful creature alive, and he said, "you know who mine was? ani difranco."

 

so now, let me tell you what i look like: dreads, pierced nose, big lips, big tattoos (including a necklace-y one, like she has, although it's not the same tattoo and i certainly didn't get it thinking of her.) extensive wardrobe of vintage dresses and big stompy boots. yeah huh. in modern-day parlance, wtf?!?

[lindya]

oh my god lindya...i am cracking up! thanks for that!

 

can i just tell you that one of the first things he asked me was if i would grow out my body hair? on my legs and...well, i don't really have to say where else. i am one of those people who looooooves the waxing and would happily electrolysize (word?) my entire body if i had the cash. he used to go on about how sexy girls with leg hair were. i told him that when he started wearing deodorant, we could talk.

 

Jesus. I went out (on and off) with a wannabee musician Bohemian with hippyish tendencies for...well, too long. I don't recall him ever complaining about me waxing though. What I do recall is that despite the fact that I play by ear whereas he lacked any ear for music whatsoever, I got much the same "you're not creative/talented enough for me" deal that you got with this hair fiddler. There's a certain type...and I hope never to encounter that type again.

 

the weird thing is that one time we were talking about our celebrity crushes, and i said i'd always thought david bowie was the most beautiful creature alive, and he said, "you know who mine was? ani difranco."

 

I had to google images. She looks very much like the type the ex I mentioned used to go on about and drool over.

 

so now, let me tell you what i look like: dreads, pierced nose, big lips, big tattoos (including a necklace-y one, like she has, although it's not the same tattoo and i certainly didn't get it thinking of her.) extensive wardrobe of vintage dresses and big stompy boots. yeah huh. in modern-day parlance, wtf?!?

 

I can put you in touch with my ex if you like.

 

So, are you going to stay with that look...or are you going to try out something else now that the hair fetishising fiddler's out of the picture? What's the book about? Are you going to be going on any publicity tours for it?