curiousnycgirl Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 Just to set the record straight on the concept that early sex defines the relationship as sexual in nature. My b/f and I had sex on our first date. Six months later his libido dropped to zero - which is actually what brought me to L/S to start. We have been together 3.5 years, are quite serious, and the libido thing is something we still struggle with. So I would suggest our relationship is not just about sex. Having said all that, I caution my babysister not to have sex too soon. I've told here that the first date is too early to see a penis! Yes I am a hypocrite and I know it. In my defense, she knows my b/f and I got busy right away. I think it just depends on who you are with.
Author alyyyhsa Posted December 29, 2007 Author Posted December 29, 2007 I don't think it makes any difference ... whether you have sex on the first date or wait a year... really... It doesn't make sense to me.. not in this year and age... we're not in 1930s anymore... LOL It's not about sex...it's about chemistry... if you really fall for each other, sex on the first date doesn't weigh in the balance... yeah, i think that's kind of how i approach the whole thing. we had MAJOR chemistry and it's not like if i wasn't attracted to him, i wouldn't have sex with him. if i'm attracted to him and he's attracted to me, what's wrong with expressing that?
Phateless Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 yeah, i think that's kind of how i approach the whole thing. we had MAJOR chemistry and it's not like if i wasn't attracted to him, i wouldn't have sex with him. if i'm attracted to him and he's attracted to me, what's wrong with expressing that? Totally agree. I think it's good that you're comfortable with yourself and don't play these mind games. Putting it off just for the sake of feeling like you "should" doesn't make any sense to me. Besides, if a guy wants to that quickly and then throws it back in your face later... well that says something about him not you.
norajane Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 If a guy has half a brain, he'll be thankful that he's got a girl who likes sex... and likes having it with him. Those guys who will sleep with you and then judge you not to be relationship material because you're 'slutty' are morons. I have a theory that they're the ones who end up married and constantly complaining about not getting any from their wives. Exactly! They should be marrying the girls who love sex so much they'll give you blowjobs on the second date, instead of labeling them slutty!
Author alyyyhsa Posted December 29, 2007 Author Posted December 29, 2007 i guess there's also a difference between a drunken hookup where it could be considered "slutty" because you're not entirely conscious of what you're doing, and a sober hookup where you're relying more on your emotions and gauging your attractions more clearly. when i have sober hookups, i know what i'm doing and how far i'm planning to go with the guy.
Phateless Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 i guess there's also a difference between a drunken hookup where it could be considered "slutty" because you're not entirely conscious of what you're doing, and a sober hookup where you're relying more on your emotions and gauging your attractions more clearly. when i have sober hookups, i know what i'm doing and how far i'm planning to go with the guy. To me the whole slut/player thing is stupid in the first place. It's a double standard and I don't go by that.
oppath Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 To me the whole slut/player thing is stupid in the first place. It's a double standard and I don't go by that. I think the only thing to consider, is as a woman, a guy might not be all that in to you but if sex is on the table, he will take it. He might rationalize it "what a slut, I don't even like her" when that is an irrational thought. the rule for women is have sex whenever you'd like, but if you can't handle it being just sex or the guy flaking/bailing afterwards, then wait until you are sure he likes you for you. I've had sex with women because it was on the table when I was thinking "ok, maybe 1 more date, I'm unsure about her but leaning towards no." But if she's kissing me and grabbing my crotch, I've had lapses in integrity and said "what the hell?" I've had women to do that to me, too! It's not slutty. The only reason to wait is to make sure the guy really likes you for you if you would feel like a slut for having sex so early. If you are confident in the chemistry, go for it.
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I disagree, 'slutty' to me is giving out sex like it's no big deal. If you have sex right from the start I'd think you either don't care about who you have sex with (you might have sex with a lot of people because you don't care)This is something I will never understand. Making love is the ultimate intimacy between two people. It kinda' ruins the experience when it's only about getting your rocks off with every single person or every other person you're dating. You don't know these people from a hole in the wall...errr...maybe I should use a different term of reference... or that you are a naive girl that just wants to be liked and only knows to use sex for this (you might have sex with a lot of people because you fall in love easily), either way doesn't make me feel like I'm anything special, so I wouldn't see her as dating material. Hey, maybe I'm judgemental but I won't just date anyone.The naive girl aspect is what I was stating in my post. Don't use sex to hold someone. Once the thrill of the sex is gone, so is your partner. It shouldn't be the case that if you date a lot, you have sex a lotAgreed. A rare case scenario is where you have been friends for a long time and one night out of the blue it just happens. That's just chemistry. I don't even do this. If it's a close friend, nothing will happen.
DutchGuy Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I don't even do this. If it's a close friend, nothing will happen. I mean when a friendship turnes into a relationship, you know each other through and through... In that case you could skip the whole 'getting to know each other first'.
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I mean when a friendship turnes into a relationship, you know each other through and through... In that case you could skip the whole 'getting to know each other first'. Gotcha'. While I can understand this happening, I guess I see my close friends as friend-zoned forever, like sibs and male relatives.
Author alyyyhsa Posted December 29, 2007 Author Posted December 29, 2007 Gotcha'. While I can understand this happening, I guess I see my close friends as friend-zoned forever, like sibs and male relatives. same for me. in fact, last time one of my close friends tried to be more than that with me, i stopped it right away. even though he would probably be the perfect boyfriend, i only see him as a friend. so he can be someone else's boyfriend but he will stay one of my close friends.
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 same for me. in fact, last time one of my close friends tried to be more than that with me, i stopped it right away. even though he would probably be the perfect boyfriend, i only see him as a friend. so he can be someone else's boyfriend but he will stay one of my close friends. Most of my close male friends are married to my close female friends, so we all have further incentive to remain just friends.
DutchGuy Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I always get the feeling that girls like to have a male friend that would never hit on her, and when this guy finally collects the courage to make a move she's truely disappointed by it. One more guy that won't just be friends... Sex changes everything, but so does a declaration of love.
Saxis Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 I don't hold it against a girl for having sex with me early on. IMO, it's retarded to look negatively upon someone for engaging in something in which I'm engaging myself. It actually depends on where your head is. (no pun intended) As a man myself I don't mark women with that label of being slutty or trashy because, hey, it takes 2 to tango. I've been called a slut and a ho by some of my friends before, but it's always been the friends that are miserable in there current relationships or friends that can't find the right person and are too afraid to get there feet wet. Or anything else! Of course you guys wouldn't consider them a slut, because you'd have to label yourself as the same, or a hypocrite. I think it's all a personal preference and what you're comfortable with. For me, I would consider them a slut if they wanted to jump in the sack on our first encounter, but I'd really only expect this in a bar/club type situation. As far as setting up a date, having a wonderful time, and then her wanting to go back and get frisky, I'd just politely tell her "It's too soon for me, but I would like to get to know you better." Who knows... it might happen next time, or in a couple months. I'm just going to make damn sure I'm comfortable with her.
mental_traveller Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 (edited) I prefer women who want to have sex on the first meeting. If a woman isn't attracted to me enough to want to do that, then it's a bit of a strike aainst her. I guess I just don't like conservative women, give me a "slut" anytime. Edited January 4, 2008 by mental_traveller
dropdeadlegs Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 WWIU, I understand where you are coming from, but this drove me crazy when I was dating. The net effect was, if she liked you, she wouldn't sleep with you. But if you were a jerk (and therefore not relationship material), you had a better chance of having some fun or casual sex. On some level, it seems backwards ... Mr. Lucky Oh boy, I have been guilty of that myself. The more potential I saw of an actual relationship, the stronger my resolve to NOT have sex too soon (first three dates. I'm always proud, too, alyyyhsa! Yet Mr. Lucky is right in many ways. It does seem backwards to give something so intimate and personal to someone you see no future with. I don't hold it against a girl for having sex with me early on. IMO, it's retarded to look negatively upon someone for engaging in something in which I'm engaging myself. I would have to agree with tanbark, too. The double standard of women being sluts for doing exactly what the man in the scenario did is stupid to me. I don't like the slut/player terminology myself. Some people consider sex to be a prize given only to a worthy competitor and some are more inclined to view sex as nothing more than a pleasurable physical activity. I also think that the same person can hold both views at different stages of their life. I guess if a man thinks you're a slut after an early encounter then he just isn't the right man for you long term and it's better to learn that early rather than late. I wouldn't suggest getting your emotions involved early on if you enjoy sex on a first date, but I wouldn't suggest not having sex on a first date if you are so inclined, either. There, now. That was helpful, eh?
Nemo Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I wouldn't suggest not having sex I couldn't agree more.
CaliGuy Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 so maybe i'm just a huge SLUT but i generally tend to go pretty far with guys on the first couple of dates. the last guy i was dating, we hooked up the first night we met and didn't have sex, but were definitely getting there. the second date, i gave him head but no sex. the third date, we had sex. i'm sure that if we had been in differing circumstances the first or second date, we probably would have had sex because i guess maybe i'm pretty nonchalant about that kind of thing. BUT i'm wondering if that colors the rest of the relationship. i ended up dating the guy for seven months after that, but i'm wondering if the fact that we had sex so early on and might as well have had sex before we were even "dating" made him view me as slutty. what do most guys think of girls who are a little more liberal on having sex with new partners? Would you buy the cow if the milk was free? Ponder that question for a while.
oppath Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Would you buy the cow if the milk was free? Ponder that question for a while. Depends on how much I liked the tits.
Jilly Bean Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 Alyyhsa - I wouldn't call that behavior slutty, I would just say you were popular.
crazy_grl Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Would you buy the cow if the milk was free? If you're getting lots of really good milk, why risk losing the cow giving it to you? A wise man would buy the cow with plenty of good milk before somebody else does and leaves him to settle for a cow that doesn't give much milk.
CaliGuy Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 If you're getting lots of really good milk, why risk losing the cow giving it to you? A wise man would buy the cow with plenty of good milk before somebody else does and leaves him to settle for a cow that doesn't give much milk. Touche, touche. I wonder though if it doesn't come down to, we desire more often what we can't have than what we can. I suppose if one is giving it away like candy on Halloween, I doubt a few days later, after everyone has sugar-od'd, they'll want more candy
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