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I am so disappointed

Happygrrl

By Happygrrl
in Infidelity

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Happygrrl New Member

Happygrrl

Posted
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My husband cheated on me. The worse thing is he also fell in love with this woman. We have been together a long time, and I did not see this coming. I had some suspicions, but he kept denying it. But I just knew. I was all set to divorce him, but then we did some serious talking and we are still together.

I just feel like I can never trust him. I hate that he has done this, but I do still love him. We have a child, so I would hate to end things if they can be worked out.

 

I am just so upset over all of this

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

All you can do is go to marriage counselling, try your best to salvage things, try to reconnect again. If he is willing to give his best too, for the sake of your child together, then anything can happen...BUT...If the OW is still in the picture, (meaning, he is still seeing or talking to her) then your marriage won't be fixed UNTIL she is out for good.

 

Again, if he proves to you that he is worthy of another chance, can prove to you that he can be trustworthy again and if he really wants to stay married to you, this will make recovery must easier. If he has no intention of doing anything and is just waiting it out, then you might as well divorce.

Confused9 Established Member

Confused9

Posted
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I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to learn that your love has cheated.

 

I think you both need to get in to counseling, both individual and marriage and work on your marriage (if that's what you both want.) Your husband also needs to be willing to have NO CONTACT with the other woman. He can't be with both of you and needs to chose.

 

I know how scary everything seems right now.

 

Try and take some time to focus on what happened. I mean really think about what happened and what you want and need from your husband. You both need to be 100% in to reconciling to make this work.

 

I also suggest being strong and letting him know you arne't going to stand for this EVER again. Don't allow him to walk all over you.

 

Keep your head up!

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Happygrrl New Member

Happygrrl

Posted
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He told me he is not in contact with her, but I just can't shake the feeling that he is trying to talk to her.

He told me lots of great things, and that he really want to work on things, but so far I am not seeing anything different. I think counseling will help that, so I need to find some help soon.

norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
Posted

Have you checked his cell phone and email to see if he is trying to talk to her, as you suspect? Has he given you his passwords so you can see for yourself if you want to check? Has he been apologizing for doing this to you and your child? Has he apologized for lying to you and denying that he was having an affair all along when you questioned him? Does he seem remorseful? Has he explained who this other woman is, where he met her, and how he managed to have this affair under your nose? Do you know what lies he told you about his whereabouts and when he would see her, so you can tell if he reverts back and starts seeing her again?

 

Has he told you WHY he did this? Has he told you WHY he thinks he wants to stay with you? If he fell in love with her, what about you? Does he still love you? Do you feel loved?

 

Actions speak louder than words, and are better indications of where his head is and what he really wants. If you aren't seeing any change in his behavior from when he was having the affair, he's not totally getting how much he hurt you, and he may not be totally into fixing things with you, either.

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Happygrrl New Member

Happygrrl

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he apologized a couple of times, but we were seperated for a bit, and are now back in the same house. Since I have been back, I have not seen much change. When he found out I had been checking his emails, he was pissed. I told him there was no reason to get mad unless he was hiding something. I do still know the passwords, but trying to get past all this, so not checking. If nothing changes soon, maybe I can snoop around a bit. Any suggestions on doing that?

 

He did tell me about the OW, but she lives far away, and he says he is no longer in contact. I am wondering if he is trying to work on things with us, because she is not interested in a married man. I know they had sex, but to be really together, maybe she is like umm, no!

 

I just don't know!

cj1988 Established Member

cj1988

Posted
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I am sorry I KNOW all to well what you feel. How do you know he fell in love with her? If that were true, he would not stay with you. So, he denied it? For how long and why did he finally admit it?

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Happygrrl New Member

Happygrrl

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after I found out, I confronted him. He says he fell in love with her, but also loves me still. He says we are both great, but things that we do is what sets us apart. I don't know. All I know is that I am the one with him now, and I want it to work. In my heart, I know we are not over yet.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

No, you check when you feel you want to -anytime! HE is the one who cheated on you and lost ALL your faith and trust in him. IF he truly wants to prove to you that he is no longer seeing her, and the A is over, then he should have NO problem with you looking in his emails. (If I were you, put a keylogger in because he could easily make up another email account and not tell you about it.) Fact that he got pissed off at you for checking IS a red flag.

 

Sorry, but if he really did love her as much as he says he did, then chances are, he is still intouch with her on some casual way. His actions at home too, he isn't acting like a husband who is begging for forgiveness, full of regret and wishes the A never happened.

 

Has he gone to counselling? Alone and with you? Has he owned up to problems that occured before the A started? Told you why he felt the need to go outside of the marriage? What needs of his weren't being met? Whatever problems that were there before the A are still there, it's just now the A after affects has made it worse. you two need to have real heart to heart talks, honest and real. Even if it hurts both of you, everything has to come out, the bad and the ugly - Then together you two can hopefully work together, heal and do your best to make the marriage better.

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

Posted
Posted (edited)
after I found out, I confronted him. He says he fell in love with her, but also loves me still. He says we are both great, but things that we do is what sets us apart. I don't know. All I know is that I am the one with him now, and I want it to work. In my heart, I know we are not over yet.

 

 

The thing is that you have him now but he has also told you he loves both of you, so what happens is that while you have him the reality of what he has with you right now pales in comparisson to what he IMAGINES he could have with this OW especially if he says he loves her. You have to make every move to win him over and testing your trust towards him is just another reminder of why things at home are SOOO HEAVY and life outside seem so much better. (typical dillusional behaviour from someone who does not face up to his wrongful doings and who is still not ready to move forward)

 

So if you want to know if he still lies to you don't ask him, because clearly that gets you nowhere, I would do as WWIU recommended and go ahead and get a keylogger and spy on him until the truth comes out. If he is lying to you he is not going to admit if you just ask him BUT if you spy on him you can get the truth out of him with facts to back it up. Unfortunately he is not your best friend yet, he is still dealing with the aftermath of ending the affair and the harsh reality is he cannot be trusted YET if ever, the latter is to be determined.

 

You would be foolish to take his word right now, since he is not offering you his privacy to put your mind at ease out of his own free will, and he is getting angry for your implying he is doing something behind your back that is a sheer sign he is not understanding the reprecutions of his wrongful actions and possibly that he cannot be trusted.

 

Recovery from an affair is gaining trust back from your betrayed partner at ALL costs, all bets are off in terms of what constitutes invasion of privacy, respect to not invade privacy may have existed in the marriage PRE affair where the relationship was based on trust, and boundaries were respected until given a reason not to trust. He has given you a reason not to trust, so BINGO!

 

I can't believe the impudence, getting mad at you for asking him questions that you will naturally have given what he did to you, UNBELIEVABLE!

Edited by Tomcat33
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