Need communicating with boyfriend

[sveltskye]

Hey everyone. Sorry about the less than coherant title to this thread- I'm obviously a little tired.

 

I'm feeling kind of depressed tonight and I was hoping to get some insight. I went home for about 3 weeks over the holidays so my boyfriend and I were apart. I missed him a lot, so I called him almost every day during that time, left him a couple messages on myspace, and texted him telling him I loved him (only once). He called me once, and didn't respond to any of my messages. It's made me feel depressed because I feel like he didn't really care that I was gone and didn't miss me, although I'm sure he did since we spend all of our time together normally. And when we finally did talk tonight, he didn't say anything to make me feel special, instead talked about his cat (which, you have to realise, he does constantly- he's obsessed with his cat). I end up feeling like I have to fish to feel like I mean more to him than his cat. His defence when I brought up his not calling me was that he was really busy, which makes me feel like "So you're too busy to spare a few minutes thinking of me?". And then he makes me feel worse because when I bring up that his not calling me makes me feel sad, he doesn't say anything (doesn't know what to say, probably) and suddenly feels the need to go to bed.

 

These things bother me periodically when we're around eachother: his tendency to be silent or go to sleep when I'm upset, and my having to fish for his feelings so I can feel important to him, but he's more of a physical person so at least he usually touches me and holds me so I know he actually cares that I'm unhappy and I'll feel loved. He's a very loving guy and always looks out for me and shows through his actions how much he loves me when he's with me. But when he's gone it feels so "out of sight out of mind". It's not like I expect him to call me every day like I did, but at least on Christmas Day or something, and a response to my messages would have been nice.

 

Because I really love this boy and I want to work on these issues, I want to know how to make him understand how I feel. I've tried, but I always feel like I'm somehow being high maintenance and guilt trippy by saying stuff like "When you don't call me, I feel like you don't miss me at all" even though its true. And then when I don't get reactions when I say stuff like that I say something even more outlandish just because I'm hoping he'll show a reaction that will make me feel like he missed me as much as I missed him, like "Well, maybe I'll just stay here". Even though I'm totally not serious, and feel like a manipulative baby for being like "Well, if you don't care if I'm not around, then I'll just leave nah nah nah" because I know its not true. It's just a base instinct.

Anyways, if anyone has had this problem and can give me any suggestions I'd really appreciate it. I want to know how I can be rational and mature in this matter. Or if I am being overreactionary or expecting too much, let me know. Thanks!

Edited December 28, 2007 by sveltskye

[KindAth86]

I don't believe your feelings are unwarranted. Your need of verbal affection is certainly quite reasonable, and it seems like your boyfriend isn't meeting that need to your satisfaction. It sounds to me like your boyfriend doesn't lack affection for you. He just has a problem communicating it.

 

Since the root of the problem is not your feelings towards one another but merely HOW those feelings are communicated, I would think the best way to fix the problem is very simple: talk about it.

 

But you need to be VERY CAREFUL about how you go about discussing this problem with him. First, wait until you're physically back with him. A discussion over the phone does you no good. Next, you need to find a time where he and you can sit down together without any distraction. Perhaps a lazy Sunday afternoon when you two are both relaxed and open-minded. You also need to take a very nonthreatening tone. In general, guys are very reasonable when talked to in a calm manner. So state your problem simply and concisely: "I know you care about me, but I need more verbal reassurance of this. So how can we solve this problem?" Be careful not to get too emotional, or he'll draw back. If you are very logical and to-the-point, and if you treat this as a problem that can be solved, I'm sure you two will come up with some solution.

 

I'd also suggest EXPLICITLY letting him know what you want. Say "I would like you say you miss me when we're on the phone." I'm sure he would be glad to do this -- he just doesn't know that what he is doing is undesirable.

 

Good luck! I hope I made sense, and I wish you guys the best.

[sveltskye]

Thank you so much, Kind. I know this is a kind of subtle problem, so its probably difficult to address, but what you said makes a lot of sense.

I did say something to him when I got back, and he seemed to be ok with it. I just said "Call me more than once next time I go away, ok?" or something like that.

The good thing is that I know that he listens to me. He actually proved it when I was gone because I got depressed that he hadn't picked me out a present when I had gone to great lengths to pick out the perfect thing for him. Well, when I came back he handed me a new purse, lol . He also bought me a 200 dollar cab ride when I accidentally told him the wrong airport to go to, so he's pretty much got a get out of jail free card from me for any minor indiscretions for say, the next year? I adore this guy ^_^.

But perhaps I'll be a little more explicit about the saying he misses me thing before we have to part next time.