Should I contact OM or tell his girlfriend?

[Nguy16]

I have been with my wife for 11 years. About 6 months ago I noticed some text messages being received and she would delete immediately. Would always say it was Suzy, or Jill. One day I looked and found "I miss you so much" thinking of you, wishing I was there.... all those from a coworker. The exact coworker that she told me I was insecure and jealous for thinking she was spending too many lunches with him.

 

So, it has come out and she is saying she thinks she wants to leave me. This OM happens to be in a 9 year committed relationship. I bet money he will never leave his girlfriend and was just hoping for some fun on the side.

 

I ask my wife if she really is wanting to trade me in for a man that cheats on his 9 year girlfriend and where will she be in a year. She admits he is not "the one" - but that neither am I.

 

If we are to work this out, I would like to ask him to stay out of our lives until we get us fixed. She says she will talk to him and that I am NOT allowed to contact him. (BTW We have been to dinner/drinks/football cookouts with him and his SO a couple times).

 

I know where he lives, I know every phone number I need to contact him and or her. I believe she deserves to know wtf is going on. My wife says I'm just being vindictive and that hurting others won't help us.

 

She insists if I make any contact it is completely over between us. I would like to give it a shot - so I am rolling over for now... BUT if this appears to go completely south, I so plan on showing up to where she works and sharing my data (cell phone, texts, IM's, emails) - you know to compare notes

 

I figure if he wants to be involved with ruining my life - then I know how to play that game. I know I am mad and hurt and doing the guy thing by wanting to lash out - but I figure I haven't already crushed his jaw (which I could very easily do) so I can't be that bad?

 

So vindictivness, anger, meanness aside....

 

Would you share with your wifes-boyfriends-girlfriend what is up? (before or after my relationship hits bottom regardless?)

[Sleeplesstoo]

I have been with my wife for 11 years. About 6 months ago I noticed some text messages being received and she would delete immediately. Would always say it was Suzy, or Jill. One day I looked and found "I miss you so much" thinking of you, wishing I was there.... all those from a coworker. The exact coworker that she told me I was insecure and jealous for thinking she was spending too many lunches with him.

 

So, it has come out and she is saying she thinks she wants to leave me. This OM happens to be in a 9 year committed relationship. I bet money he will never leave his girlfriend and was just hoping for some fun on the side.

 

I ask my wife if she really is wanting to trade me in for a man that cheats on his 9 year girlfriend and where will she be in a year. She admits he is not "the one" - but that neither am I.

 

If we are to work this out, I would like to ask him to stay out of our lives until we get us fixed. She says she will talk to him and that I am NOT allowed to contact him. (BTW We have been to dinner/drinks/football cookouts with him and his SO a couple times).

 

I know where he lives, I know every phone number I need to contact him and or her. I believe she deserves to know wtf is going on. My wife says I'm just being vindictive and that hurting others won't help us.

 

She insists if I make any contact it is completely over between us. I would like to give it a shot - so I am rolling over for now... BUT if this appears to go completely south, I so plan on showing up to where she works and sharing my data (cell phone, texts, IM's, emails) - you know to compare notes

 

I figure if he wants to be involved with ruining my life - then I know how to play that game. I know I am mad and hurt and doing the guy thing by wanting to lash out - but I figure I haven't already crushed his jaw (which I could very easily do) so I can't be that bad?

 

So vindictivness, anger, meanness aside....

 

Would you share with your wifes-boyfriends-girlfriend what is up? (before or after my relationship hits bottom regardless?)

Only if I thought there was something constructive to be gained by it. Your problem is not the other man it's your wife. If she is stepping out or wanting to step out all he is, is the opportunity, not the impetus.

 

I know you are obviously "pissed" and that is understandable, but your time might be better spent figuring out why she feels the need for another man. Are there other unresolved problems in your marriage or does she have a history of other men? I think you would be well within your rights to confront him, but don't do it to be vindictive, do it to really find out what is going on. YOU NEED TO KNOW!!

 

As far as telling the SO, that seems to be a topic for "hot discussion" around here. I would be inclined to not tell her as I think everyone has a responsibility to themselves and to "know" what's going on in their own backyard. She may very well already be aware of it. If the situation somehow involved physical danger, or some really dire consequences to the SO then I might feel differently.

 

Of course that is just my opinion and you know what they say bout those. LOL

[norajane]

I believe she deserves to know wtf is going on.

 

My wife says I'm just being vindictive and that hurting others won't help us.

 

How convenient that your wife is overlooking the fact that SHE and OM did the hurting - they are the ones who chose to hurt you and his gf. You telling her about it isn't the hurtful part - it's what THEY did that is hurtful.

 

Telling her only gives her the power to make an informed choice about her 9 year relationship with a man who's been cheating on her.

 

Personally, I would tell her, and I'd do it now. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Perhaps if OM were forced to deal with the consequences of his behavior, he won't be so quick to plan little lunches with your wife behind your back.

 

You have no way of knowing if your wife and this guy are still seeing each other, and your wife telling you that you are not ALLOWED to talk to the guy gives me the impression she isn't planning on ending things with him at all.

 

It's long past the time for your wife to be calling all the shots about YOUR LIFE and YOUR marriage. Since she knows you aren't 'the one' for her, maybe it's time for you to realize she isn't the one for you, either - unless you think a cheater who doesn't love you is the kind of woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.

[michaelk]

She says she wants to leave you and that you're not 'the one'. Yet you talk as if she's going to give it another try. What's up with that? If she's got one foot out the door as she does, how has she demonstrated that she really wants to work it out with you? For sure, threating to leave if you contact OM's gf is no sign of commitment to you.

 

Wait until any impulses for 'vindictiveness, anger, meanness' subside before you act. Know that if you do tell, you may be doing harm, good, or both. Unlike many, I don't think exposing another's transgressions is an obviously good act. You never know whether the OM's gf will be glad she found out, or if she will wish it had all blown over with her none the wiser. Nor do you know whether the OM will cheat on her again, or whether he will go back and work things out at home after having had such a close call.

 

I think you're better off putting your energy into saving your marriage, if that's what you want. She has no business putting conditions on your behavior. Instead, you should be listing the things she needs to do in order to demonstrate her new commitment and regain your trust. If she's more worried about the OM than you, she needs to refocus and fast!

[underpants]

Expose it and let the chips fall where they may.

 

You don't have to be emotional about it. Just honestly relay the information.

 

Everyone deserves to know the truth.

[bestadvisor]

Don't contact him, contact her. There are at least TWO reasons for telling her:

 

1) She deserves to know. Wouldn't you want her to tell you if she was the one who found out about the affair?

 

2) She will put pressure on him to end the affair. She will keep tabs on him to make sure he will end contact outside of work.

 

Affairs survives on secectcy just like we survive on air and water. Expose to OM's girfriend and if you have to, expose it to their work. Tell her supervisor that an affair is going on at work and that it can interfere with their work productivity and potential for sexual harrassement suits.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Annyonimous tell the OM's girlfriend.

 

The OM will throw your wife under the truck and then your wife will be angry. Focus on making sure she's loved and if she wants to leave, Take everything and tell her you told the om's girlfriend and that's why he left. and when I'm done everyone is gonna know what kind of trifling chick you are.

 

You made your choice , now live with it!

[Meaplus3]

I have been with my wife for 11 years. About 6 months ago I noticed some text messages being received and she would delete immediately. Would always say it was Suzy, or Jill. One day I looked and found "I miss you so much" thinking of you, wishing I was there.... all those from a coworker. The exact coworker that she told me I was insecure and jealous for thinking she was spending too many lunches with him.

 

So, it has come out and she is saying she thinks she wants to leave me. This OM happens to be in a 9 year committed relationship. I bet money he will never leave his girlfriend and was just hoping for some fun on the side.

 

I ask my wife if she really is wanting to trade me in for a man that cheats on his 9 year girlfriend and where will she be in a year. She admits he is not "the one" - but that neither am I.

 

If we are to work this out, I would like to ask him to stay out of our lives until we get us fixed. She says she will talk to him and that I am NOT allowed to contact him. (BTW We have been to dinner/drinks/football cookouts with him and his SO a couple times).

 

I know where he lives, I know every phone number I need to contact him and or her. I believe she deserves to know wtf is going on. My wife says I'm just being vindictive and that hurting others won't help us.

 

She insists if I make any contact it is completely over between us. I would like to give it a shot - so I am rolling over for now... BUT if this appears to go completely south, I so plan on showing up to where she works and sharing my data (cell phone, texts, IM's, emails) - you know to compare notes

 

I figure if he wants to be involved with ruining my life - then I know how to play that game. I know I am mad and hurt and doing the guy thing by wanting to lash out - but I figure I haven't already crushed his jaw (which I could very easily do) so I can't be that bad?

 

So vindictivness, anger, meanness aside....

 

Would you share with your wifes-boyfriends-girlfriend what is up? (before or after my relationship hits bottom regardless?)

 

As much as I hate to say it hear, I think you really need to "Suck it Up". No contacting the GF or this OM. First and foremost your focus should be on why your wife has done this? What's gone array in the marriage? It's your marriage you need to figure out. Forget the other two as it sound's like they have their own set of issues! I commend you for keeping your cool. Good luck!

 

AP:)

[Deanster]

Dude - get a grip.

 

The OM isn't a saint here, obviously, but it's your wife who's violating an agreement that you had. It's not like the OM hauled your wife off by the hair, kicking and screaming. She's in his bed willingly, and with a smile.

 

While it happens to be him, you have to figure that an eager woman with a willingness to stray is going to find a guy who will 'help out', without much trouble.

 

You can lash out and punch guys 'till the cows come home, but it's not going to keep wifey's ankles crossed. She's the one deciding what happens, and of all the billions of people in the world you could lash out at, she's the only one for whom you've got some claim on their actions.

 

Focus on dealing with her, and with your relationship with her. Everything else is a sideshow. OM will have to deal with his GF, or not.

 

Going around telling people that their partner is straying isn't very productive, at least in my observations of the world.

 

Good luck, but IMHO, you really need to focus on your relationship. There's a million OM's out there, but you've only got the one W. Solve your problems with her, and your problem is solved. Fail that, and there's no amount of punching OM's and telling their girlfriends that will help.

[In Like Flynn]

Expose him. If your wife will leave you after you expose....which is your right as the wronged party...then she probably would leave anyway down the road. The OM knew the risks and he shouldn't be able to zip his pants up and carry on with his life. Just my opinion.

[Nguy16]

to answer some of the speculations from above.

 

Yes, my wife has more than one foot out the door and I know that. I will suck it up and eat whatever she dishes out while we figure this out. She has said - not sure I want to put ANY effort into fixing. So for a period, she is calling all the shots and I am on eggshells. I am very much focusing on my marriage. Our case is very opposite most in that I am emotionally available and she isn't.

 

Letting him know that I know... "could" have the side benefit of him backing off and giving us some breathing room while we work on it. He is a poison pill and her continued relationship with him will guarantee we will fail in my opinion. BTW he has done the same thing to another woman in a committed relationship at his work (it is a crazy environment there!)

 

While doing some additional research I found some great stuff - living here in WA state we have a meretricious relationship clause. Meaning if you cohabitate for any extended period (12-24 mo) you are subject to community property laws. Net result - if the OM girlfriend leaves him, she has a right to 50% of the home he bought from his parents for cheap and his other profitable side business. She supported him by working while he got his degree - now she is finishing her degree while he works. She could even be due some spousal support while she finishes.

Icky Icky Icky.

 

My point. I am focused on fixing us so long as she is willing. We are taking a couple week breather from each other - but I know she is continuing contact via text etc - but not seeing him (she left the state and he is on a vacation in another country with his girlfriend). She is currently saying she will NOT break off all contact and will NOT stop seeing him as a friend. She started by saying she was unwilling to stop the physical relationship. I had to beg for a 2 week time where she did not see him physically. At the end of that she will decide if she is even willing to try to repair - until that time, my hands are tied. I believe we MUST get counseling and she MUST break off all ties with him while we work it out. It will be tough long term as they work closely together and she is in a position that can't change easily.

 

If he knows that his continued persistance at chasing my wife might result in not only the loss of his girlfriend but his house and business - I suspect he will agree to a calming period also.

 

As of now I have a grip and am solely focused on us. I know she is the problem and not him - but if she agrees to stop seeing him and he continues to pester (because she is unwilling to be frank) then I believe that job is mine (someone in the marriage has to stand up for it). She has said he initiates it and she doesn't stop him.

 

I would only tell the girlfriend if it is clear my wife has no intention of stopping the physical relationship, and it is clear we are well on our way to divorce. She at least deserves to know about the maritial asset laws here as they pertain to her (which I bet she has no idea).

[norajane]

Yes, my wife has more than one foot out the door and I know that. I will suck it up and eat whatever she dishes out while we figure this out.

 

She has said - not sure I want to put ANY effort into fixing. So for a period, she is calling all the shots and I am on eggshells.

 

I am focused on fixing us so long as she is willing.

 

We are taking a couple week breather from each other - but I know she is continuing contact via text etc

 

She is currently saying she will NOT break off all contact and will NOT stop seeing him as a friend.

 

She started by saying she was unwilling to stop the physical relationship. I had to beg for a 2 week time where she did not see him physically.

 

At the end of that she will decide if she is even willing to try to repair - until that time, my hands are tied.

 

As of now I have a grip and am solely focused on us.

 

That is one of the most appalling things I've ever read here.

 

Why? Why do you want to be a doormat? You think your wife will have any respect left for you if you do that?

 

Your hands are not tied. You can leave her, and see if she has any interest in fighting for YOU - because it doesn't sound like she does at all.

 

Why do you want a woman you have to beg to stop f*cking another guy?

[Cobra_X30]

Yes, my wife has more than one foot out the door and I know that. I will suck it up and eat whatever she dishes out while we figure this out. She has said - not sure I want to put ANY effort into fixing. So for a period, she is calling all the shots and I am on eggshells. I am very much focusing on my marriage. Our case is very opposite most in that I am emotionally available and she isn't.

 

Nguy,

 

Why do you want to stay with your wife?

 

I don't see where she has any redeeming qualities. She doesnt seem to value you at all. I think if you stood up to her... kicked her out and showed her that you value yourself... she may begin to realize what she is losing!

 

Are you afraid of a divorce?

[MrsHellnoFire]

So did she have sex with him yet?

[Nguy16]

No I don't want to be a doormat and I am allowing that to happen on several levels. Agreed. I am working on my confidence and self esteem at home - which is crazy because professionally I am at a 10.

 

For now, I am willing to allow that she has been inhabited by aliens or influenced by hormonal or chemical inbalances. She clearly says, she does not know what is missing, what is wrong, why she is unhappy or what that even means. She cannot articulate what is going on at all. I believe my marital commitment requires me to "suck it up" if there is a chance to fix it - and I will do this for a short period while she is allowed to think about what is at stake.

 

Make no mistake, I have my minimum boundaries for reconcilation - but need her to make a decision on her willingness to try before any of that is important. She doesn't know what to do or what she wants to do. I cannot convince or influence that other than being a loving husband and keeping arguements to a minimum. (even if she is being an ass)

 

Making a solid stand right now, would not result in her wanting to move past this.

 

Yes, I can leave her - but we both acknowledge that what we had a few years ago was envious and beautiful. We got off the track and need to get back on. I believe it is worth it. She is currently questioning fighing for me. I am not trying convince her or beg but allowing her to "figure it out" and get back to me.

 

At the end of our cooling off period (couple weeks) I will assess her willingness and the effort she is willing put out - but I can't push for a committment to that until she is in the game at all. If she continues to want to walk on me and push me down, I will stand, turn, and walk away - directly to the OM girlfriend Hell she is too good for him and may be single soon (totally kidding - trying to find any humor in this messed up situation)

[MrsHellnoFire]

You are not "the one".. ah.. so you aren't her "soulmate" huh?

Tell her GOOD LUCK FINDING that ONE!

Since she runs and cheats everytime there is a problem or when the passion in the relationship starts to dwindle, she has a tough road ahead of her in any relationship she ensues.

 

 

 

 

My point. I am focused on fixing us so long as she is willing. We are taking a couple week breather from each other - but I know she is continuing contact via text etc - but not seeing him (she left the state and he is on a vacation in another country with his girlfriend). She is currently saying she will NOT break off all contact and will NOT stop seeing him as a friend. She started by saying she was unwilling to stop the physical relationship. I had to beg for a 2 week time where she did not see him physically. At the end of that she will decide if she is even willing to try to repair - until that time, my hands are tied. I believe we MUST get counseling and she MUST break off all ties with him while we work it out. It will be tough long term as they work closely together and she is in a position that can't change easily.

 

Ok, I read a little more.. she's practically thrusting her sexcapades in your face.. Good grief.

Have some respect for yourself and let her go! She wants to leave and you are caging her in this relationship that she most obviously does not want.

 

He is on a vacation with his girlfriend? HAHA.. ok, you have proof of this right? Don't tell me you are taking this lying woman's word for it.

[TerriR]

What do you expect to gain from talking to him? What is in that for you? He already showed disrespect for you, why put yourself out there for more?

 

I would just let him be and talk to your wife - she's the one you want a relationship with and she should be the one to stay away from him to show you that she is willing to do what it takes to be with you.

 

You deserve that from her if she can do it for you.

[Nguy16]

She says they have not had sex. But have done other things, several times, at work, after work, at lunch... But I do know they spent a night in a hotel room while on business. I woke her from a sleep and could hear him in the room - she later confessed I was right but says they only "made out" - I call BS. Either way - unacceptable and must stop.

 

Yes, I am very afraid of divorce - I made a committment to be with her for life and would be happy to do so - given that she identifies why this is happening and knocks it off. (I am more than also willing to admit that I played a roll - she just can't tell me anything that I do wrong as a husband yet) - (which is very irritating by the way... lets see, husband is a caring loving providing man and is doing "nothing wrong" per her definition... you are unhappy.. don't know why... so dump the loving 11 year husband and see if that is it) If something breaks in my computer or my car, I don't start by replacing the parts that I know are working for sure... but that is the guy in me thinking it is something that can be fixed.

 

"Why do you want to stay with your wife?" Simply put, I love her. She previously WAS my best friend, best lover and true partner in life. She has some amazing redeeming qualities that I cherish. Those remain.

 

Agreed that right now, she does not value me. She is being extremely selfish and a butthole basically. This is not like her given our history - I know her better than anyone (we were friends for 3 years prior to dating). I am unwilling to punch out based on 6 months of selfish stupidity. I AM willing to allow that she is dealing with some internal crap that she does not have the ability to tackle alone and is really just crying for help - just doesn't have a handle on what that is.

 

(I have a background in mental health and personally believe she is suffering from the perfect storm of chemicals, stress, health issues, self esteem issues, hormones, all chunked into a mid-life crisis)

 

Unfortunately I am catching some of the collateral damage in the process - but I do believe I have an obligation to help her through this. If she identifies that she doesn't love or respect me, I'm gone. If she refuses to join me in the fight to work on us, I'm gone. If she insists on continuing a relationship with another man, I'm gone.

 

I'm not looking to be a martyr, punching bag etc - but will work through this with her. Get her to her destination then move me to mine - if we are at the same place when we end then good - if not, then so be it.

[Nguy16]

I think there are 2 pieces I personally could gain at different points. It is not about putting myself out there for more disrespect.

 

1) I believe actions have consequences. If he values what he has (house, business, girlfriend) he might back off for just long enough for her and I to figure crap out. then it is up to my wife to redraw appropriate boundaries and stick to them.

 

2) If we can't figure it out and I am put out on the street, then it is a childish vengance way for me to ruin him financially without going to jail for assault charges

 

I am fully aware I won't get the satisfaction from #2 that we all think we will in the moment, but I promise you, I don't stand back and let people f' with me in my life and walk away.

 

I do know it is more my wifes fault. She will get her consequences through a divorce which will be severe both financially and emotionally to her (more to her than me btw). Her "support network" will be very very small given the opinions formed based on her actions.

[Nguy16]

I do indeed know this as fact. I have seen messages between the two of them regarding this. The crap of it is... the total irony, we were invited as a couple to join them at their condo to vacation with them - but this came up and we passed. duh. Before this came out I was looking forward to some quality time to get to know the girlfriend so I could have an excuse to say "so are you comfortable with the amount they talk on the phone"?

 

I have contacts inside the company and also know that my wife is at her parents. I have spoken to her at her parents house and she will be there for some time.

 

I trust that her family will do whatever is best for their daughter and help guide her to make the best decision she is capable of at this point in her life.

[Planofool]

Call them all. Shake your wife out of the fog she is in and him too. Do it for yourself. Pass on some of the hurt they have laid on you. Don't let the OM girlfriend flounder in the dark. She needs to know.

[Woggle]

First serve your wife with divorce papers and them tell his GF so you and her can both move from the no good cheaters. Why do you even want a woman like this?

[bish]

Would you share with your wifes-boyfriends-girlfriend what is up? (before or after my relationship hits bottom regardless?)

 

You darn tootin' you should. You should keep all communications that they have made and show it to his gf.

 

And if your wife gets mad at you for doing so...then you'll know she cares more for the coworker.

 

If I had cheated on someone, which aint gonna happen, and my SO decided to rat the OW out to her husband or bf....you wouldn't catch me saying damn word about it. I mean really...if I was to betray someone so badly, and they wanted to make sure all involved paid their price...I'd have no business being angry UNLESS I really didn't care about my SO.

 

So yes...rat them out toot sweet!!!

[bish]

I ask my wife if she really is wanting to trade me in for a man that cheats on his 9 year girlfriend and where will she be in a year. She admits he is not "the one" - but that neither am I.

 

Ah...missed this part.

 

After seeing this...there really isn't anything to think about.

 

Go out and get yourself a good lawyer...

[Sleeplesstoo]

BTW he has done the same thing to another woman in a committed relationship at his work (it is a crazy environment there!)

 

 

Nguy, that is probably one of the most telling things you have added to your story. The fact that he has done this before does not bode very well for your wife's relationship with him. Do you know the details of his previous relationship with the other "committed woman". If you do it may be something you can use to bring her to her senses so that you can at least try to open a dialog with her about your problems.

 

What's up with OM? Looks like a pattern of behavior. Maybe he likes unavailable women because he wants no further committment then just what they have now. Is your wife in love with this guy or is she just looking for the same. In any case if he has a pattern of these kinds of relationships I bet his SO already knows. While as I have said above, I don't know that blowing the whistle to the SO is always the right thing to do, in this case it could be productive in that if she does know, she can fill in the details as to this guys "MO" and in which case it would be productive as you seem to want to fight to keep what you have.

 

As far as if she is worth keeping is a whole other story, but it seems that you need to create the opportunity to find that out for yourself. So maybe contacting OM's SO would prove fertile. He actually sounds like a creep who deserves what he gets. Maybe he and your wife are just using each other and unfortunately you are caught in the crossfire.

Edited December 28, 2007 by Sleeplesstoo