MM went back to his wife.

[whichwayisup]

Why is this Amy's problem and not MM's? SHE is not breaking NC by writing a blog; he is breaking NC by CHOOSING to read it.

Respecting the NC, I meant for her not to call or email him. You lumped the blog in with that. I meantioned the blog because she seems irked that he is reading it, that's why I suggested she somehow figure out a way to password protect her blog, so users have to join to view it.

[whichwayisup]

Only a weak man needs 2 women. One each side. Holding him up as he hobbles through life.

 

Yes, but only one woman knows that he has two women...The BS doesn't know...

[woe_is_me]

I am desperate. I am married but in the process of seperating. Met a MM who I connected on a very deep level. We held off on having sex because we really felt like we had a strong connection and wanted things to be right. We've both been with our spouses for 16 years, both have two kids.

 

Well, first time we finally had sex, within days he went to his wife and confessed that he was in love with me. They went to emergency counseling and he felt he had to try and make a go of working it out with her. He elt we could remain in contact via e-mail and phone but shouldn't see each other. I told him if he really wanted to regain intimacy with his wife he couldn't be getting his needs met with me and suggested no contact. Well, that lasted about a day and I was a mess- hysterical, had a panic attack which I've never had before, etc.. nyhow, we start e-mailing and talking again. After about two weeks he wants to see me. I don;t think it is a good idea but I agree. We meet at a park and it's pretty much over, can't keep our hands off each other. So, then we continue to see each other but far less regularly than before- still e-mailing and talking daily.

 

A week before Christmas we ave a 'date' to exchange gifts- go to sushi, ice skating and then a hotel. It was fantastic, never felt like anyone like I feel about him. He leaves the next day for a ski trip with wife, kids and family for christmas. While he's there he sends me e-mail saying he can;t be with his wife anymore and he wants us to sit down and work out a plan to be together going forward. I agree. Wife catches him IM-ing me and confronts him. I hear very little from him over the next week. The day after Christmas he says that his wife has shown more committment, passion etc. than he thougt she was capable of, wrote him a poem and framed it for his Christmas gift. They talked, went to more counseling. Crux of it is, he has shut down his e-mail account and told me not to contact him anymore, that I don't have a place in his future. The week before this, he was throwing up at work because he thought I was breaking things off with him over a misunderstanding in e-mail.

 

Now I am sad and don;t know how to move on and get over this. I am seperating from my husband regardless, but I feel so alone right now- it is hard not to run for cover.

 

Please help me.

 

A.

 

 

hmm ..well..he wasn't really sick..he was just saying he was..he probably was feeling sick from his wife being 'onto' him

 

and secondly..you're married..

[AmyY]

hmm ..well..he wasn't really sick..he was just saying he was..he probably was feeling sick from his wife being 'onto' him

 

and secondly..you're married..

 

He actually told his wife about me. He assumed that she would leave him immediately but the fact that she has shown so much committment and passion to keep him has made him think now he can maybe get what he wants from his marriage.

 

So look, I met this MM when I was still blindly thinking I would never leave my marriage. But I was dying. My husband barely looks up from his computer when I walk in the door, never talks to me about his life. I MADE A MISTAKE because I feared for my security and that of my children, thought if I got my needs fulfilled then I could keep up this farce of a marriage. My husband is comfortable in our marriage- but why wouldn't he be when I cook, make sure he has clean clothes, do all the housework and take my girls to the pool and the park every night by myself so he can work until 9pm? I want a wife! Anyone know where I can get one?!? My husband is a kind man but he does little for himself and only does things when specifically asked, told/shown what to do. I don;t even care about the housekeeping etc. and I love spending time with my girls- I simply wish I had someone to enjoy life with, to share in the adventures. So yes, I got bored and went outside my marriage to get those feelings of being wanted and appreciated and that was wrong. I know that. And I picked a married man because I wanted collateral, I didn't want someone who was going to go to my husband- needed someone who had as much to lose as I did.

 

I know, I'm totally evil, but I'm human, this is what I did and now I am trying to figure out the best road out of it. Yes, for myself- and maybe everyone will think I deserve whatever I have coming, sure, I'll buy that. I should have been 100% strong and 100% perfect but I did what I did because I was desperate at the time.

 

Anyhow, I don't plan to have any contact with him but being with him- was the first time I felt like I did ever- and I'm finding it hard to get over it. I feel like I might as well just die because you can't unring that bell. Not to sound all melodramatic which I know I do- I have two little girls that I need to take care of(god knows my husband can't). I've just never felt so lost as I do right now.

 

I'd like to know what others have done to move on, maybe some magic words that helped you put it in perspective... And don't think for a second that I haven't considered his wife and felt horribly guilty because I nver wanted to be the kind of woman that messed with another woman's family- but here I am. I chose full disclosure with my husband and my husband wanted to continue to try and work things out even when he knew I continued to talk to/see my MM- but that's because he is afraid of being alone and having to take care of himself, I don't believe for a minute that he has some kind of trascendent love for me- believe it is just inertia and self-preservation.

 

I'm just looking for a way to move on emotionally. I thought it would get better day by day and it isn't. And I'm worried that he is going to contact me again and throw me back into chaos- I need to get strong so I can prevent that, but I don;t know how.

 

Amy

[AmyY]

 

Focus all this energy into projects, reconnecting with family, friends and yourself. I mean, when was the last time you had a pamper day for yourself? Spa, shopping, massage, pedicure or something...

 

Thank you for this.

 

A.

[bish]

Well she is a cheater as well so like attracts like. Do people ever stop to think that the women attracted to a holes are in fact a holes themselves?

 

Oh now Woggle...do watch that! You gonna get it!! No matter if you speak the truth or not.

[Woggle]

Oh now Woggle...do watch that! You gonna get it!! No matter if you speak the truth or not.

 

Do I look like a man who lets what people think stop me?

[Tomcat33]

Personally I have more respect for a cheater than a child who refuses to grow up and walks around in fear all his life and therefor finds an only outlet to his issues is to lash out at society in constant anger. Nothing spells fear louder. Who wants a man who permanently lives in fear? YUCK!

 

THAT's why some men are luckier than others, because the ones that live in fear are a big fat loss amongst the ladies. We simply don't look up to them or admire them, so there is no attraction if there is no admiration.

[Tomcat33]

Cheating is a choice, never a mistake or accident. It is a decision made knowing that one is married and sleeping with another.

 

 

Ok cheating is not an accident I'll give you that much but making that choice can be a mistake. So long as they learn from it and never do something like that again that is the defnition of a mistake, a choice with the same repetive negative outcome is a not a mistake, a one off bad choice is.

[PoshPrincess]

Personally I have more respect for a cheater than a child who refuses to grow up and walks around in fear all his life and therefor finds an only outlet to his issues is to lash out at society in constant anger. Nothing spells fear louder. Who wants a man who permanently lives in fear? YUCK!

 

THAT's why some men are luckier than others, because the ones that live in fear are a big fat loss amongst the ladies. We simply don't look up to them or admire them, so there is no attraction if there is no admiration.

 

Well said, TomCat. I like it!

[MrsHellnoFire]

I am desperate. I am married but in the process of seperating. Met a MM who I connected on a very deep level. We held off on having sex because we really felt like we had a strong connection and wanted things to be right. We've both been with our spouses for 16 years, both have two kids.

 

Well, first time we finally had sex, within days he went to his wife and confessed that he was in love with me. They went to emergency counseling and he felt he had to try and make a go of working it out with her. He elt we could remain in contact via e-mail and phone but shouldn't see each other. I told him if he really wanted to regain intimacy with his wife he couldn't be getting his needs met with me and suggested no contact. Well, that lasted about a day and I was a mess- hysterical, had a panic attack which I've never had before, etc.. nyhow, we start e-mailing and talking again. After about two weeks he wants to see me. I don;t think it is a good idea but I agree. We meet at a park and it's pretty much over, can't keep our hands off each other. So, then we continue to see each other but far less regularly than before- still e-mailing and talking daily.

 

A week before Christmas we ave a 'date' to exchange gifts- go to sushi, ice skating and then a hotel. It was fantastic, never felt like anyone like I feel about him. He leaves the next day for a ski trip with wife, kids and family for christmas. While he's there he sends me e-mail saying he can;t be with his wife anymore and he wants us to sit down and work out a plan to be together going forward. I agree. Wife catches him IM-ing me and confronts him. I hear very little from him over the next week. The day after Christmas he says that his wife has shown more committment, passion etc. than he thougt she was capable of, wrote him a poem and framed it for his Christmas gift. They talked, went to more counseling. Crux of it is, he has shut down his e-mail account and told me not to contact him anymore, that I don't have a place in his future. The week before this, he was throwing up at work because he thought I was breaking things off with him over a misunderstanding in e-mail.

 

Now I am sad and don;t know how to move on and get over this. I am seperating from my husband regardless, but I feel so alone right now- it is hard not to run for cover.

 

Please help me.

 

A.

 

 

Of course he was throwing up. When men feel like they are losing control of a situation, they go berserk!

If you cut off contact first, chances are that he would still be after you..

[annabelle75]

He actually told his wife about me. He assumed that she would leave him immediately but the fact that she has shown so much committment and passion to keep him has made him think now he can maybe get what he wants from his marriage.

 

So look, I met this MM when I was still blindly thinking I would never leave my marriage. But I was dying. My husband barely looks up from his computer when I walk in the door, never talks to me about his life. I MADE A MISTAKE because I feared for my security and that of my children, thought if I got my needs fulfilled then I could keep up this farce of a marriage. My husband is comfortable in our marriage- but why wouldn't he be when I cook, make sure he has clean clothes, do all the housework and take my girls to the pool and the park every night by myself so he can work until 9pm? I want a wife! Anyone know where I can get one?!? My husband is a kind man but he does little for himself and only does things when specifically asked, told/shown what to do. I don;t even care about the housekeeping etc. and I love spending time with my girls- I simply wish I had someone to enjoy life with, to share in the adventures. So yes, I got bored and went outside my marriage to get those feelings of being wanted and appreciated and that was wrong. I know that. And I picked a married man because I wanted collateral, I didn't want someone who was going to go to my husband- needed someone who had as much to lose as I did.

 

I know, I'm totally evil, but I'm human, this is what I did and now I am trying to figure out the best road out of it. Yes, for myself- and maybe everyone will think I deserve whatever I have coming, sure, I'll buy that. I should have been 100% strong and 100% perfect but I did what I did because I was desperate at the time.

 

Anyhow, I don't plan to have any contact with him but being with him- was the first time I felt like I did ever- and I'm finding it hard to get over it. I feel like I might as well just die because you can't unring that bell. Not to sound all melodramatic which I know I do- I have two little girls that I need to take care of(god knows my husband can't). I've just never felt so lost as I do right now.

 

I'd like to know what others have done to move on, maybe some magic words that helped you put it in perspective... And don't think for a second that I haven't considered his wife and felt horribly guilty because I nver wanted to be the kind of woman that messed with another woman's family- but here I am. I chose full disclosure with my husband and my husband wanted to continue to try and work things out even when he knew I continued to talk to/see my MM- but that's because he is afraid of being alone and having to take care of himself, I don't believe for a minute that he has some kind of trascendent love for me- believe it is just inertia and self-preservation.

 

I'm just looking for a way to move on emotionally. I thought it would get better day by day and it isn't. And I'm worried that he is going to contact me again and throw me back into chaos- I need to get strong so I can prevent that, but I don;t know how.

 

Amy

 

Wow Amy. Reading your story reminded far too much of my own life. I was neglected in my marriage as you have been. I also became involved with a MM who one day out of nowhere ended thinsg with me saying his wife "made promises" to do what ever he needed to fix the marriage adn the only thing you said he had to do was never speak to me again. It really happened out of no where. Five days before hand he asked me to marry him. I felt as if I were dying.

 

I have read a bunch of posts saying he'll come back eventually but I have to be honest and say mine never did. Wether he is happy with his wife or not he chose to be with her and not me. How did I get through it? One day at a time ( ... and prescription for Zoloft). I was dealing with the end of my relationship with MM and my divorce at the same time (i began seeing my MM when I was separated and preparing to divorce).

 

There is no magic solution but I can tell that now (2 years later) I am happy. I have a good life and a great boyfriend who appreciates me and always notices when I walk in a room.

 

Hang in there and know that you are not alone. I've been there. You aren't an evil person. You just wanted to find happiness.

[Lovelybird]

Your husband seems not happy as well. whole day working on computer? no communication with other human he cares? maybe he shuts down himself through working, like workholic, that is a sad life.

 

Nagging will never work, but compliment will. Nagging only put more negativeness into his mind, it is contra-constructive.

 

I know you want to find happiness, that is legal . but I think marriage is like a garden. the more care you put into, the more you love the garden; the more sacrifice you make for the garden, the more you find it beautiful. I am sure you did all your best, but could it possible there is still a way that you can improve the marriage and be happy? Can you try to communicate with your husband? maybe he needs your help to achieve the satisfaction that the only deep communication with each other can bring. according to your post, your husband isn't a abusive one, he is a nice guy, something still worth working on

 

I dont want to sound like all is your responsibility. It is not. but I think many people have wrong concept about "happiness", maybe they chase after the things that they think will make them happy, but in the end it is destruction. Happiness is to give first, then you will taste the sweetness and reward that the giving bring, if your husband don't reward your efforts, and then God will. you will never lose by giving.

 

It is difficult situation you face, you crave love and care and attention from others, you want to feel loved, it is very natural. but there isn't a 100% perfect man or husband, EVERY relationship needs work and self discovery and discovery about another . the one garden you work hardest is the one 100% perfect. I think it is hoolywood lie that if you meet one perfect man, then you will be happy (if without hard work and commitment, it is all about chase after wind and get hurt); I think happiness is about ATTITUDE, if you have right attitude, you can have happiness

 

maybe to put your energy into your marriage again, into how to train yourself to be content in any situation, into discovery yourself will shift your mind off MM. It is about energy and attention shifting. if you try to figure out how to forget MM, then all you do is focusing on MM and the PROBLEM, NOT good

Edited December 29, 2007 by Lovelybird

[AmyY]

Cheating is a choice, never a mistake or accident. It is a decision made knowing that one is married and sleeping with another.

 

So you are saying that any choice one makes can't be a mistake?? Makes no sense whtsoever. I would say ll mistakes originate with a choice. I'm not saying I 'fell' into this situation. I sought it out but I was misguided. I thought I would do less damage to the people I care about by trying to get my needs met outside my marriage.

[Woggle]

A choice can be a mistake but if people don't take accountability for their mistake and realize they are the ones that caused it to happen they will just repeat the same mistake again. Some people describe cheating as something that just happens to a person as if they are governed by some magical forced beyind their control and that is just not the case. It is not a passive act that happens to a person but something that they themselves choose to do.

[AmyY]

that today he called me to tell me that this was the last time he was going to call me, that he was resolved. I was starting to pick myself up and just hearing his voice threw me back into a chaos of emotions.

 

I only pickedup because he called from a number I didn't know and I was sick and not clear headed.

 

I guess the best remedy is to get on with my life and focus on working things out with my own situation.

 

As far as putting more equity into my marriage- I really don;t know how to do any more than I have done. I have so much resentment built up toward my husband now that when, for example, he tries to kiss me- I literally feel repulsed. I don't think I can come back from this. Even after having clearly communicated my needs, he can't seem to give me even a fraction of what I want...

 

Don't know wht to do...

[Chrome Barracuda]

that today he called me to tell me that this was the last time he was going to call me, that he was resolved. I was starting to pick myself up and just hearing his voice threw me back into a chaos of emotions.

 

I only pickedup because he called from a number I didn't know and I was sick and not clear headed.

 

I guess the best remedy is to get on with my life and focus on working things out with my own situation.

 

As far as putting more equity into my marriage- I really don;t know how to do any more than I have done. I have so much resentment built up toward my husband now that when, for example, he tries to kiss me- I literally feel repulsed. I don't think I can come back from this. Even after having clearly communicated my needs, he can't seem to give me even a fraction of what I want...

 

Don't know wht to do...

 

The reason he cant give you a fraction of what you want is because you wont let him. First thing is detox off of the OM, then focus on your husband, dont ignore his needs, you need to remember the good times.

 

Deep down you love your husband but you need to get past that resentment. Does your husband know the full scope of your affair?

[annabelle75]

The reason he cant give you a fraction of what you want is because you wont let him. First thing is detox off of the OM, then focus on your husband, dont ignore his needs, you need to remember the good times.

 

Deep down you love your husband but you need to get past that resentment. Does your husband know the full scope of your affair?

 

No no no .............. I can't tell you how many people tried to get me to reconcile with my ex-H after my MM left me. My marriage ended long before I met the MM and it had nothing to do with my relationship with him.

 

She needs to take a step back and regroup. Take some time to rebuild herself, by herself. You don't deal with the end of one bad relationship by jumping back into the bad one that put you on the path in the first place.

[Chrome Barracuda]

No no no .............. I can't tell you how many people tried to get me to reconcile with my ex-H after my MM left me. My marriage ended long before I met the MM and it had nothing to do with my relationship with him.

 

She needs to take a step back and regroup. Take some time to rebuild herself, by herself. You don't deal with the end of one bad relationship by jumping back into the bad one that put you on the path in the first place.

 

First of all, not all marriages that whether the man or woman that has an affair is bad. So that's that. and secondly.

 

What if she really does love her husband and all she has on him is resentment? What if he was loving and never abused her, cheated on her , hurt her in any form.

 

Are you telling me that that is a bad spouse? Is that something to give up on or could you build upon it and make it better?

 

Life is what you make of it, that goes for marriages as well.

 

But hey it's her life. If she wants to cheat and be on an emotional rollercoaster ruining her rep, both marriages, kids ripped apart hating their parents, Families not speaking to them.

 

Go for it! lol. It's fun when that happens.

[Woggle]

The OP can take solace in the fact that if she did get together with MM she will probably end up falling out of love with him as well. These feelings for him are just temporary and will go away eventually.

[annabelle75]

First of all, not all marriages that whether the man or woman that has an affair is bad. So that's that. and secondly.

 

What if she really does love her husband and all she has on him is resentment? What if he was loving and never abused her, cheated on her , hurt her in any form.

 

Are you telling me that that is a bad spouse? Is that something to give up on or could you build upon it and make it better?

 

Life is what you make of it, that goes for marriages as well.

 

But hey it's her life. If she wants to cheat and be on an emotional rollercoaster ruining her rep, both marriages, kids ripped apart hating their parents, Families not speaking to them.

 

Go for it! lol. It's fun when that happens.

 

She's already said the marriage is bad. If a man doesn't sleep with his wife for a year, its not a happy marriage. If your definition of a good spouse is simply that he doesn't beat her or cheat on her, you must really have a bleak look at what love and marraige is about. He may not be a bad person but the relationship is not workign for her. It happens. Marriages end.

 

Go be bitter some where else. She needs help dealing with this loss in her life. Trying to guilt or scare her into staying with her H is wrong. If she is meant to be with her H, she'll figure it out in time. If not it will only cause more pain and confusion if she latches back onto him just to help her deal with the end of her A.

[annabelle75]

Amy-

 

If you have been readin the fourm for a while you know who is here to help and who is here to pass judgement on you. Please don't feel like you have to defend yourself. Just ignore them.

[Chrome Barracuda]

The OP can take solace in the fact that if she did get together with MM she will probably end up falling out of love with him as well. These feelings for him are just temporary and will go away eventually.

 

 

I agree, woggle.

 

Most people dont know this , maybe they do, but I've been reading many boards and websites devoted to infidelity, cheating and love. (Because I'm a writer and my book is published. lol. I always need inspiration.)

 

There's a difference between a butterfly in your stomach love and a good strong ebb and flow of mature love. Many people think butterfly love is permanent. That's not always true. Cause one day you feel it, a few years you dont. But mature love is like butterfly love one day, Eyes shine , heart warms mature love years later.

 

I think people are loosing the ability to capture and cultivate mature love.

 

Alot of our grandparents had it, but this generation and the one coming up is loosing it, lost it dont give an F about it. And it's sad.

 

Forver now is not always forever.

 

Now it's about, he has a bigger penis or bigger bank account or he makes me feel in love, OR he listens to me.

[Lovelybird]

I heard from a pastor who has a happy successful marriage that

 

"focus on the good things about him, forgive his wrong doings; keep a list of what he did good, a list of what you were attracted to him in the first place; FORGET the lists of all of his wrong doings"

 

Everybody makes mistakes, he maybe not do things with intention to hurt you, maybe he doesn't know how to meet your needs, maybe nobody taught him how to meet those needs

 

A woman desperately wants God to change her husband, her husband is abusive and disrespected her, and she kept praying for several years. and God answered her "if you change and do what is right, then I will change your husband", so the woman began to change herself, respect and love her husband no matter her husband did unrespectable thing or respectable things, then slowly her husband began to change as well, then dramaticly change each day, finally they become so intimate with each other like newlywebbed birds.

 

what this woman did is to pray, obey God and watch how God changed her husband

 

There are so much you can do still. training yourself with right attitude, really a OM cannot do that for you, maybe OM can triger some chemical effect in a short term and make us think we are deeply in love and find our 'soulmate' AGAIN, but after the chemical fade away, you will find the same issue you face today with your husband.

 

There are things that I can think of, If I were in your situation

 

1. make a list what he did right

2. make a list where you liked about him, when you met him

3. read some marriage help books:

these books may helps:

Honor's reward, By John Bevere

Become a better you, By Joel Ostein

4. training yourself to forgive and be content

5. discover yourself

6. get rid of negative thinking

7. make a list of appreciation

 

A successful marriage isn't about meeting a PERFECT man, it is about your perspective, where you focus on: positive or negative. If you focus on positiveness, think positively, then positive things will happen to you

 

If you determine to work it out, it will

[Chrome Barracuda]

She's already said the marriage is bad. If a man doesn't sleep with his wife for a year, its not a happy marriage. If your definition of a good spouse is simply that he doesn't beat her or cheat on her, you must really have a bleak look at what love and marraige is about. He may not be a bad person but the relationship is not workign for her. It happens. Marriages end.

 

Go be bitter some where else. She needs help dealing with this loss in her life. Trying to guilt or scare her into staying with her H is wrong. If she is meant to be with her H, she'll figure it out in time. If not it will only cause more pain and confusion if she latches back onto him just to help her deal with the end of her A.

 

Bullsh**!!!

 

Alot of people who tend to cheat tend to rewrite what's the real story. Just a little bit. There' always 3 sides to a story. Dont take her words as fact.

 

Like I said before marriage is what you make it. No one is stopping her from leaving. She could leave and not cheat. She could tell him she's not happy and give him an ultimatim. She just makes her self look bad because there is a right way to do things, and a wrong way to do things.

 

I never said that just because he doesnt do her harm that theyre marriage is good, Of course there needs to be chemistry and love and the whole 9. But seriously if she's constantly thinking of the OM, in her mind do you think the husband has a chance to make things right???

 

Hell no!!! lol.

 

I'm not bitter, where do you get that from? lol.

 

Like I said she doesnt have to stay but she doesnt have to cheat either. She has a choice.

 

We all have a choice!!!