AmyY Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I am desperate. I am married but in the process of seperating. Met a MM who I connected on a very deep level. We held off on having sex because we really felt like we had a strong connection and wanted things to be right. We've both been with our spouses for 16 years, both have two kids. Well, first time we finally had sex, within days he went to his wife and confessed that he was in love with me. They went to emergency counseling and he felt he had to try and make a go of working it out with her. He elt we could remain in contact via e-mail and phone but shouldn't see each other. I told him if he really wanted to regain intimacy with his wife he couldn't be getting his needs met with me and suggested no contact. Well, that lasted about a day and I was a mess- hysterical, had a panic attack which I've never had before, etc.. nyhow, we start e-mailing and talking again. After about two weeks he wants to see me. I don;t think it is a good idea but I agree. We meet at a park and it's pretty much over, can't keep our hands off each other. So, then we continue to see each other but far less regularly than before- still e-mailing and talking daily. A week before Christmas we ave a 'date' to exchange gifts- go to sushi, ice skating and then a hotel. It was fantastic, never felt like anyone like I feel about him. He leaves the next day for a ski trip with wife, kids and family for christmas. While he's there he sends me e-mail saying he can;t be with his wife anymore and he wants us to sit down and work out a plan to be together going forward. I agree. Wife catches him IM-ing me and confronts him. I hear very little from him over the next week. The day after Christmas he says that his wife has shown more committment, passion etc. than he thougt she was capable of, wrote him a poem and framed it for his Christmas gift. They talked, went to more counseling. Crux of it is, he has shut down his e-mail account and told me not to contact him anymore, that I don't have a place in his future. The week before this, he was throwing up at work because he thought I was breaking things off with him over a misunderstanding in e-mail. Now I am sad and don;t know how to move on and get over this. I am seperating from my husband regardless, but I feel so alone right now- it is hard not to run for cover. Please help me. A.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Now I am sad and don;t know how to move on and get over this. I am seperating from my husband regardless, but I feel so alone right now- it is hard not to run for cover. Please help me. Your MM is playing you...Don't answer his texts or emails...Don't put up with his waffling...He's trying to get you to compete...Don't... Resolve your own M issues first...If you feel you should separate, then keep that course of action...You need to do what is best for you...See an IC if you can...Can you talk to a friend or a parent? You need to let someone know at least part of what is going on, then you won't feel so alone...Choose wisely though... And keep posting! GEL
nextel Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I might let the wise respond to this. But it sounds like you ought to just let him go and build your life being that you are just getting out of something. Sounds like your heart needs time to find itself. This man wants to stay with his wife. You see, nobody can make anyone do anything they dont want to do. Even if there are children involved, if a man wants out he will leave. This doesnt sound like an optimistic R. I stand to be corrected by others, but I really think you should save yourself the heartache and concerntrate on you. I am desperate. I am married but in the process of seperating. Met a MM who I connected on a very deep level. We held off on having sex because we really felt like we had a strong connection and wanted things to be right. We've both been with our spouses for 16 years, both have two kids. Well, first time we finally had sex, within days he went to his wife and confessed that he was in love with me. They went to emergency counseling and he felt he had to try and make a go of working it out with her. He elt we could remain in contact via e-mail and phone but shouldn't see each other. I told him if he really wanted to regain intimacy with his wife he couldn't be getting his needs met with me and suggested no contact. Well, that lasted about a day and I was a mess- hysterical, had a panic attack which I've never had before, etc.. nyhow, we start e-mailing and talking again. After about two weeks he wants to see me. I don;t think it is a good idea but I agree. We meet at a park and it's pretty much over, can't keep our hands off each other. So, then we continue to see each other but far less regularly than before- still e-mailing and talking daily. A week before Christmas we ave a 'date' to exchange gifts- go to sushi, ice skating and then a hotel. It was fantastic, never felt like anyone like I feel about him. He leaves the next day for a ski trip with wife, kids and family for christmas. While he's there he sends me e-mail saying he can;t be with his wife anymore and he wants us to sit down and work out a plan to be together going forward. I agree. Wife catches him IM-ing me and confronts him. I hear very little from him over the next week. The day after Christmas he says that his wife has shown more committment, passion etc. than he thougt she was capable of, wrote him a poem and framed it for his Christmas gift. They talked, went to more counseling. Crux of it is, he has shut down his e-mail account and told me not to contact him anymore, that I don't have a place in his future. The week before this, he was throwing up at work because he thought I was breaking things off with him over a misunderstanding in e-mail. Now I am sad and don;t know how to move on and get over this. I am seperating from my husband regardless, but I feel so alone right now- it is hard not to run for cover. Please help me. A.
Owl Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Does your H know about MM? Were you involved with MM while you were still with your H, or did the affair start after you'd seperated? Why are you divorcing your H? What led to that? I ask, because these are all factors in this situation. I can understand why you feel all alone right now... But your best bet at this point is to focus on how to take care of YOURSELF. Let MM go figure out his own life...you work on taking care of you. Do you have friends/family that you can turn to for emotional support while you're dealing with this?
GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Hi Amy. I am not totally sure what to say, but i felt I had to respond. I too seperated from my husband and MM still isn't here and it has almost been a year. Can't seem to get the nuts to do it. It is hard being alone...but you have to think of you and what is right for you and your marriage reguardless of him. Will you marriage be better without him in the picture? If not...then you must go and start your own life. I was married for 16 years and have no family or real friends where I live so I am alone alot. It isn't so bad and gets easier. You need to let MM go if that is what he wants...he really hasn't left you a choice. Just try to be brave...it will be alright! Best of luck to you hun!
Mino Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Hi Amyy, How long has this affair been going on? Months, years? To wierd that he went from hot to cold, in a matter of days. People just dont wake up one morning and say oops, I think I rather be with this one. I think if the marriage was broke before, the w just found out, she is now trying really hard to save her M, maybe out of fear.....She might romance him now, but I think it will go back to where it was before he started Affair, broken, Then he will come searching for you. Just my OP:mad: He sounds confused, or guilty
child_of_isis Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Hubby has an affair, so wifey 'fixes' herself. It won't last. Not when W comes to her senses. The day after Christmas he says that his wife has shown more committment, passion etc. than he thougt she was capable of,
stampdaddy Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I'm SO sorry for what you must be feeling.. I have been there/am there/ could be there again and God, the anxiety attack that you speak of, I thought I was going to die.. MANY HUGS for you... Hang in there
PoshPrincess Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 I'm SO sorry for what you must be feeling.. I have been there/am there/ could be there again and God, the anxiety attack that you speak of, I thought I was going to die.. MANY HUGS for you... Hang in there Hear hear! I really sympathise with you in the sitch and you must be heartbroken, to say the least. I hate to say this but my thoughts are that MAYBE his W initially told HIM it was over after DDay, but that SHE has had the change of heart - not him. I am not saying he didn't love you/have feelings for you, but sometimes it takes DDay to make people realise what they have to lose with their BS/family. You have been through a tough time what with your M ending too and maybe you should give yourself more time to heal from that. He has told you he wants no more contact so please be strong and stick to that, otherwise if he ends up caving in too you will be back to square one again and feel like you are being strung along. Lots of luck x
OpenBook Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 My prediction -- you will hear from him again, probably in a matter of days, saying the same old soppy stuff -- "I can't live without you" "I just can't make it work with my W" "PLEASE don't turn your back on me - I need you", etc. My advice -- keep the NC on your end (DO NOT contact him under any circumstances), and flip the script when he returns to you. Right now, you're letting him call all the shots. You can bring that sh*t to a screeching halt anytime you want. You do not deserve to be jerked around. By ANYONE. This guy is going through a Jekyll and Hyde thing. He doesn't know which end is up. He feels a powerful connection to you, but he's scared to death of losing his W and family. I think he loves both you and his W (for different reasons). It's up to you to teach him how to treat you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 Again this is the reason why women when coming out a marriage or relationship should only deal with single men. Dealing with a man who's married intentionally?? These are some of the consequences of it. Hey your leaving your husband, you dont care, you can start over with someone else. Have more self repsect and do things the right way.
stampdaddy Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 Amy, did you ever say if you are leaving your M for the MM, did you get caught, how long have you and MM beeb together, all that stuff?? Sorry if I missed it somewhere..
mistieyed Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 I am desperate. I am married but in the process of seperating. Met a MM who I connected on a very deep level. We held off on having sex because we really felt like we had a strong connection and wanted things to be right. We've both been with our spouses for 16 years, both have two kids. Well, first time we finally had sex, within days he went to his wife and confessed that he was in love with me. They went to emergency counseling and he felt he had to try and make a go of working it out with her. He elt we could remain in contact via e-mail and phone but shouldn't see each other. I told him if he really wanted to regain intimacy with his wife he couldn't be getting his needs met with me and suggested no contact. Well, that lasted about a day and I was a mess- hysterical, had a panic attack which I've never had before, etc.. nyhow, we start e-mailing and talking again. After about two weeks he wants to see me. I don;t think it is a good idea but I agree. We meet at a park and it's pretty much over, can't keep our hands off each other. So, then we continue to see each other but far less regularly than before- still e-mailing and talking daily. A week before Christmas we ave a 'date' to exchange gifts- go to sushi, ice skating and then a hotel. It was fantastic, never felt like anyone like I feel about him. He leaves the next day for a ski trip with wife, kids and family for christmas. While he's there he sends me e-mail saying he can;t be with his wife anymore and he wants us to sit down and work out a plan to be together going forward. I agree. Wife catches him IM-ing me and confronts him. I hear very little from him over the next week. The day after Christmas he says that his wife has shown more committment, passion etc. than he thougt she was capable of, wrote him a poem and framed it for his Christmas gift. They talked, went to more counseling. Crux of it is, he has shut down his e-mail account and told me not to contact him anymore, that I don't have a place in his future. The week before this, he was throwing up at work because he thought I was breaking things off with him over a misunderstanding in e-mail. Now I am sad and don;t know how to move on and get over this. I am seperating from my husband regardless, but I feel so alone right now- it is hard not to run for cover. Please help me. A. although it will be tough, i think he did you both a favor. neither of you are AVAILABLE. by that i mean, you both have significant others, regardless of the mess that has been created in both of your relationships. in my opinion, you should focus on your own life at this moment and try to stabilize it whether that means divorce or not. it appears as though that is what he is attempting to do (and who knows, he could have been using you all along - an affair is VERY exciting for some). i agree with another poster that you need to involve a close friend or counselor to help you through this time, then you will not feel so alone. best of luck and keep posting.
Author AmyY Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 First, yes, theire is a name for a woman like me- neglected, unfulfilled. I am responsible for my side of the street- he was married and he knew what he was getting into, that was his deal. My husband and I are still living together. We are good friends and agreed to get through the holidays for the kids. We're now working out a plan to seperate. I did get involved with this MM while with my husband obviously, but I have given my husband full disclosure all along in order that he could make his own educated decisions. We've simply grown apart(not to be totally cliche)- but I pay all the bills, do all the laundry, housework, etc and he sits on his computer 24/7(he is an engineer). I could take care of him if I was getting some emotional intimacy but he barely looks up when I walked in the door so I went looking for something elsewhere. I am very passionate about life- I have horses and ride, work in the wine industry full time but from home so I can be with my girls as much as possible, love to camp and hike and run marathons. Try to get my husband to come along but it is always me dragging him and I'm tired of it. Met this man who has a similar passion for life and I reuly love him- never felt this way about anyone before- and it's like he knows me inside and out, can't put on a facade for him like I do for everyone else. My husband is also resigned to seperating but is a great guy and I do love him, just the resentment has grown between us to the point where sometimes I am disgusted with him. Once I decided to see how long we would go without sex if I didn't initiate- it was over a year! I need to be with soneone who wants me and who has plans and dreams for the future. I think my MM made a run at the edge, looked over, got scared and turned back. I think I deserve someone brave. I just don't know how to make these feelings go away. And I am scared that when his wife loses her impetus he will be back, knocking on my door and I won't be strong enough in light of what I feel... Amy
Meaplus3 Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 I am desperate. I am married but in the process of seperating. Met a MM who I connected on a very deep level. We held off on having sex because we really felt like we had a strong connection and wanted things to be right. We've both been with our spouses for 16 years, both have two kids. Well, first time we finally had sex, within days he went to his wife and confessed that he was in love with me. They went to emergency counseling and he felt he had to try and make a go of working it out with her. He elt we could remain in contact via e-mail and phone but shouldn't see each other. I told him if he really wanted to regain intimacy with his wife he couldn't be getting his needs met with me and suggested no contact. Well, that lasted about a day and I was a mess- hysterical, had a panic attack which I've never had before, etc.. nyhow, we start e-mailing and talking again. After about two weeks he wants to see me. I don;t think it is a good idea but I agree. We meet at a park and it's pretty much over, can't keep our hands off each other. So, then we continue to see each other but far less regularly than before- still e-mailing and talking daily. A week before Christmas we ave a 'date' to exchange gifts- go to sushi, ice skating and then a hotel. It was fantastic, never felt like anyone like I feel about him. He leaves the next day for a ski trip with wife, kids and family for christmas. While he's there he sends me e-mail saying he can;t be with his wife anymore and he wants us to sit down and work out a plan to be together going forward. I agree. Wife catches him IM-ing me and confronts him. I hear very little from him over the next week. The day after Christmas he says that his wife has shown more committment, passion etc. than he thougt she was capable of, wrote him a poem and framed it for his Christmas gift. They talked, went to more counseling. Crux of it is, he has shut down his e-mail account and told me not to contact him anymore, that I don't have a place in his future. The week before this, he was throwing up at work because he thought I was breaking things off with him over a misunderstanding in e-mail. Now I am sad and don;t know how to move on and get over this. I am seperating from my husband regardless, but I feel so alone right now- it is hard not to run for cover. Please help me. A. Hi Amy, If your feel alone than you need to find a friend you can confide in. Chasing after a mm is only going to create more problem's for you, as MOST don't ever leave there wifes's. So look at it this way it will be a very big waste of your time and trust me you will regret that! Keep reading here and you will see. IMOP You should find yourself a single guy once your seperation is legal! Good Luck. AP:)
Author AmyY Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 He told me that the reason he is cutting off contact is because it is the one thing his wife asked so they could work on their marriage. He said he didn't feel that she could ever give him everything but it could be 'good enough'. In the meantime, I have a blog and see from my stats that he's been reading. So essentially- he's not contacting me and I can't write to him because he turned off his e-mail, but he's reading my blog- doesn't seem fair. Heh. Not that I'd ever say anything is fair... Amy
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 I just hope you respect his wishes of NC. He deserves the chance to make things work in his marriage, for the kids sake. They owe it to themselves to try, and give it their best. To be honest, you should set your blog up so he can't view it.
Author AmyY Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 respect his wishes for NC. However, my blog is a very important part of my life and I'm not willing to give up writing as it is one thing that keeps me semi-sane. I have no way to block him from reading, unfortunately, or I would. But yes, my pride wouldn't allow me to go where I'm not wanted. And yes, I do believe they have the right to try and work things out. I actually honestly love him and if staying with his family is what will make him happy then that is what I wish for him. And trust me, I have felt incredibly guilty about the collateral damage of what I have done- however, hindsight is 20/20. What I need now is advice on how to move on and get over this because I am feeling horribly depressed- like I've suddenly lost my best friend. A.
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 You could set up your blog to be password protected and invite everyone you know who reads it to join up. Keep busy, grieve and cry, but just know you are doing the right thing. Focus on helping your own kids through the break-up of you and your husband, that's going to be rough enough on them, so you don't need to be worrying about MM and what he is doing/feeling/thinking. Focus all this energy into projects, reconnecting with family, friends and yourself. I mean, when was the last time you had a pamper day for yourself? Spa, shopping, massage, pedicure or something...
GreenEyedLady Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 respect his wishes for NC. However, my blog is a very important part of my life and I'm not willing to give up writing as it is one thing that keeps me semi-sane. I have no way to block him from reading, unfortunately, or I would. But yes, my pride wouldn't allow me to go where I'm not wanted. And yes, I do believe they have the right to try and work things out. I actually honestly love him and if staying with his family is what will make him happy then that is what I wish for him. And trust me, I have felt incredibly guilty about the collateral damage of what I have done- however, hindsight is 20/20. What I need now is advice on how to move on and get over this because I am feeling horribly depressed- like I've suddenly lost my best friend. A. I'm very sorry you're going through all this...He will probably contact you...Decide ahead of time what you plan to do when he does... It will take time...And he will probably make it worse by continuing to contact you...Maybe you should see a doctor if you are that depressed and try anti-d's...Stay positive and try not to dwell too much on it...Keep yourself busy, talk to your friends and allow yourself to cry when you need too...I feel for you...Keep posting... (((HUGS)))
OWoman Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 I just hope you respect his wishes of NC. He deserves the chance to make things work in his marriage, for the kids sake. They owe it to themselves to try, and give it their best. To be honest, you should set your blog up so he can't view it. Why is this Amy's problem and not MM's? SHE is not breaking NC by writing a blog; he is breaking NC by CHOOSING to read it.
malaclypse Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 It may be W reading it. So what? If the wife actively searches the blog and reads it, it's not Amy's fault. It actually might be a good way to disrupt their 'marriage fixing', if that's what she wants (evilgrin), and they will get it onto themselves because they do actively have to visit the blog. As someone said before, it's not breaking NC as a text or an email would be...
bish Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 Now I am sad and don;t know how to move on and get over this. I am seperating from my husband regardless, but I feel so alone right now- it is hard not to run for cover. Please help me. A. Well you were already in the process of getting a divorce when you hooked up with him I assume...so your situation is slightly different. But you DID mess around with someone elses husband. Tell me, why would you want a man that cheats? I mean really ladies? Yall are always whining about not being able to find a good man...yet you latch on to the cheaters! What gives? I guess the saying is true...you have to be an as$$hole to get women wrapped around your finger.
child_of_isis Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 Only a weak man needs 2 women. One each side. Holding him up as he hobbles through life. I guess the saying is true...you have to be an as$$hole to get women wrapped around your finger.
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