Where do I go from here?

[stoneymirror]

I know it's a long post, but for those who actually read it, I would really appreciate your help. Maybe you've been in a similar situation, or are in one currently...

 

 

Background:

 

So my gf (LISA) and I broke up after dating for almost 10 months. We had spent almost every chance we had with one another for 10 months. She slept over every night and we'd spend almost every minute of every weekend together. We really fell for each other.

 

This was her first real long term relationship, this was my 5th or so. I'm 27, she's 23. I come from a big family, she's an only child.

 

I believe she fell for me a little more than I did for her, she told me on numerous occasions that I was too good for her. ???

 

The biggest issue we had was the arguing, I am a fighter she was a flighter. When she'd pull something stupid, she'd be very defensive and never give in, and always trying to point the finger back at me. Pure denial time and time again. It would take hours of arguing before she finally let her guard down and admitted she goofed.

 

Things came to an end because I blew up at her for leaving me hanging again. She's done this 5 or 6 times before and I was getting sick of it. The funny thing is, when she use to come home after work, if I didn't drop everything and say hello to her, she'd get upset. Basically she needed my full attention and was very needy for most of this realtionship.

 

I've felt on numerous occasions that she's somewhat selfish, even in the beginning she'd lie about her religious beliefs so we'd continue our relationship. Later I found out she did that so I wouldn't break up with her. She's also admitted numerous times that she's playcated me. So I've lost a lot of trust in her over the time we were together. She just wasn't as honest as I wished she was.

 

Here's the story:

 

She had a girl friend (JENNY) visiting from out of town and we all planned on having dinner together. So on Friday I called her like usual on my lunch break and she (LISA) never responded. I called again after work and still no reply. At this time I was getting a little frustrated. So I called again about an hour and a half later and she finally picked up and said she never saw I called.

 

At this point I'm pissed, cause she's flat out lying to me. She had 7 hours to look at her phone, and I just can't believe she didn't see that I called. Considering she had a friend (JENNY) in town and was surely looking at her phone.

 

Regardless, when we did speak she basically told me she wanted to deal with it the next day. At this point she hasn't given me the time of day and wasn't interested in talking at this point. Or making me feel okay about the situation.

 

Okay, so I txt her about an hour later saying I'm sorry for getting mad. she replys saying this type of argument just pushes her away. So now I'm thinking her friend is influencing her, because she never use to act like this. We'd usually both reconcile our differences and move on.

 

Note: Her girl friend (JENNY) was in town for a whole week. She came here to visit a guy that she's been talking to. All the while, she has a boyfriend back home. So I'm thinking this girl (JENNY) is really not someone I wanted my current gf (LISA) to be hanging out with.

 

So another couple of hours go bye and I try calling her again, she doesn't pick up. I give it another hour or so and still no answer. At this point she is clearly avoiding my calls.

 

After a couple more hours she eventually picks up and we get in a huge argument and I say it's over. Note, I've told her it's over a bunch of times in the past, I know it's wrong but I get so frustrated that it ends up coming out of my mouth. I've even told her that it's not what I really mean, that I just say it out of frustration. Before this we never took any sort of breaks. We were very close to one another, we'd fight and fight through it and call it a day.

 

Anyhow, a couple more hours pass and I go out to get some gas and I run into her on the street with her and her girlfriend and her girlfriends guy friend. My gf (LISA) at the time is drunk off her butt, and we start arguing in the street. Her girl friend (JENNY) from out of town starts yelling at me and tells my gf at the time to get in the car. And they leave.

 

Days pass and I stop by my gf's work to drop off all her stuff off. but at this point I'm looking to reconcile everything and see if she wants to give it another try. She says she wants a few days to think about things so I give it to her, the next day she comes over and tells me she can't do this anymore. That she loves me, but she can't go through another breakup. (Keep in mind her girl friend Jenny is still in town at this time)

 

The next day I email her telling her that I love her and want to work things out. She says she loves me too, but that too much has happened and things can't be worked out. So I go along with it. I tell her to call me if she's got a change of heart and I leave it at that.

 

About a week later I txt her wishing her a merry xmass and she replied right away. And that's it for now.

 

Even after the breakup she's said she loves me, and is sad that she isn't the right person for me. That she can't give me what I need. I tried begging her not to give up when I stopped by her work days before, but she just didn't see it as a possibility.

 

I made it clear that I wanted to give it another try, and that she may be the one, but she keeps shooting down the idea.

 

Personally I feel that her friend (JENNY) who was visiting, pushed my gf in the wrong direction. I know my gf was hurt that I broke up with her initially, but like I've said before, we've gone through this same thing a couple of times before and we've worked through it. Our fighting styles definately needed to be improved upon, but I was surprised she just ended it, and gave up.

 

We had a great relationship beyond the actual fighting we did. We really loved each other and she told me on numerous occasions that she though I might be the one.

 

So I'm confused at this point. She relied on me so heavily for so long, and was more into me than I was into her, and the minute her girl friend Jenny comes into the picture she's easily persuaded and starts acting completely different.

 

Any advice would help out as to what I should do.

 

At this point I'm no longer going to contact her in any way and see if she ever comes around.

Edited December 27, 2007 by stoneymirror

[stoneymirror]

ANyone have some advice?

[thecount]

If someone goes out of their way not to answer the phone when the person they "love" calls them. The issue is much deeper than what you might think it is. I've been in this situation before, and it's not pretty. I know.

 

Take this time for yourself and heal from the break up, go out with your friends, if you want to date someone else you can. Live your life and be happy. Maybe you both need a break from eachother to see if you really want to be together.

 

Sometimes we're with people because they are a habbit. So take this time and figure it out for yourself if you want to be with her or not.

 

What you need to do is stop contacting her. Let her miss you, let her know that you don't need her to be happy, she should enhance your happiness not make your happiness.

 

Be good to yourself

[stoneymirror]

Thanks for the advice Count, I appreciate it. So what's the explanation as to why she didn't pick up? What do you think is the underlying issue?

 

Her only excuse was that she was too busy to call me back, and left it at that.

 

FYI: I'm not going to call her, email her, etc. This is it for me. I'm ready to move on. I don't even know if I'd want her back at this point. Probably not, she isn't mature enough to handle tough times.

[thecount]

I would think that she's was trying to show off infront of her friend. the ol' "no man can tell me what to do" thing. that is probably the truth.

 

...and good for you for not contacting her

[stoneymirror]

That's what I was thinking... Trying to show off...

 

Her girl friend left last Thursday, and now she's had about a week to things over by herself. When her friend was here, she wouldn't give me the time of day, and now that she's gone, she's replying back to my txt msgs right away.

 

It's definately going to be tough for her though, she really has no friends here in town, it's gonna be tough for her to keep occupied. I wish her the best.

 

I've done my work, she can now come back to me.

[D-Lish]

After reading over your post, it seems you yourself admitted to some unhealthy aspects to your relationship... the lying (trust issue) and the fighting...

 

Is it possible that this break up is actually a healthy thing for the both of you?

 

It is human nature to want what you can't have. You were in control (and still a little unsure about her) until she rejected you. Now- we all know that rejection can yank us out of the driver's seat.

 

I was with a guy for a year- and I was never really sure about him, he wasn't the love of my life.... one day he dumped me out of the blue and I went crazy wanting him back. When I look back now, I realize I was never truly that "into him". The feelings I suffered were due to being rejected... I would have broken up with him anyway... I had actually been gearing up to it.

 

It's good you are doing the no contact with her.

You should use this time to figure out if the break up is a good idea.

I have a feeling that it is partially due to the rejection that you find yourself pining for her.

[stoneymirror]

D-Lish,

 

Thanks for the advice. To be honest with you, I wasn't all that into this girl. I really liked her personality and hanging out, it was definately a good time, but somewhere in the back of my head I knew this probably wouldn't work out. Oh well, it's been over a week since we've spoke. Going on two weeks. I've got a lot of stuff that's going to keep me busy for the next couple of weeks, so this transition time should pass quickly.

[kkthxbye]

It sounded to me like she needs to grow up just a little bit. I mean that in the simplest form. With maturity comes knowing yourself a little bit.

 

My H asked me to stop visiting certain family members, because I came home a different person. I was 25 at that time. I didn't realize how much they persuaded my personality, or how much I let them control what I did and said. Once I got to know myself a little bit, and understand what H was talking about, I learned. You may find that this GF is the right one for you, but just not at this time. She has some issues to fix in her life first before committing to you.

 

Her lying and wanting you to drop everything to bathe her in attention tells me she needs a little maturity. Also she's an only child, and maybe needs to understand how things work with others? Also you would have to compromise with the amount of attention she is used to receiving. I have 5 siblings, and H is only child. It was fun learning how the two are so different, and how to lay expectations with good communication from both sides. I learned a lot about only children, I wouldn't trade mine for the world. At 23, I personally wasn't ready, but at 32 I'm getting better.

 

This is just what I see, and I see some of myself in your GF. My best advice would be for you to move on, let her find herself and be happy. Good things come more naturally without going against the flow of life, for me anyways. When you have to fight upstream to get things done too much, I get the point it wasn't meant to be. My H and I didn't have our first argument, until we were together about 3 years. The words "it's over" never crossed my mind with my man. When all my other relationships that phrase wanted to come out of my mouth often. Simply put, it wasn't the right match.

 

Maybe you guys will be best of friends in the future? Then you can point out and help her understand how she lets friends influence her like H did for me. Good luck to you.

[stoneymirror]

First of all I just want to say thanks for everyone who's taken the time to read my situation. It really tells me how genuine people are out in this world. And the generosity people are willing to give for complete strangers. It's truely remarkable. Thanks again...

 

Well, I did call her tonight, because I got in a huge car accident last thursday and I felt I should call her. I am alright, just scratches.

 

Anyhow, she helped me get some groceries, and then we went to dinner and talked. She admitted that she's been inconsistent with calling me and says she'll be more reliable in the future. She admitted she has issues with comitment, since she's moved around alot throughout her life, never stayed in one place much longer than a few years, and never was able to make any long term friends. She then told me she'd like to go to a councelor and see if we can get some help with our arguing dilema. Then she went on to tell me how much she loved me and thought I was the one who she'd grow old with. Things got a little more personal from there, but just kissing. Anyhow, we left it saying we're going to start over. Be friends and relax for a while before we jump back into things full swing.

 

So at this point I don't know what to think. I do really love her very much, but at the same time, I don't know if she's going to pull imature crap again and again to the point we're back where we were days ago. Anyhow, I hope I just didn't take the easy way out with getting back together with her. But at the same time, I can't stand thinking that she might be the one, and I passed up on it because I wasn't willing to work out some kinks. And give a little...

 

Thanks everyone for your help, I really appreciate all you hard work and effort. This site is great for those looking to cope with the different curve balls life throws at you.

Edited December 31, 2007 by stoneymirror

[stoneymirror]

Well this is the final update for now. My girlfriend and I are back together after a 2 week break. Things are looking positive and we should be able to move past this.

 

We've determined to take things slower this time around. And going to only see each other every other night, vs every night like before. This will hopefully put a little less stress on the relationship and ease up the situation that much more.

 

We're also looking to go to a psychiatrist to see how we can better handle our argument styles to prevent any huge blow ups in the future.

 

Anyhow, thanks again guys for all your help. It's appreciated.

[shadowplay]

I don't get it... You went from saying you're "not really that into this girl" to thinking she might be "the one" in the course of a few days. You need to figure out how YOU feel about her, irrespective of whether she wants you or not.

[bloodaye]

did she have friends besides the one that came to visit? she sounds alot like my ex.My ex was very clingy,constantly touching me,always asking me to promise to never leave her,always questioning my love for her,and like urs,if i didnt drop everything when she came home,oh boy,i was in the ****.See she had no friends for the longest time i was with her,so i figured her clingyness was only cause i was all she had,like you,she was way more into me then i was her.I took all her compliments with a grain of salt,cause in my mind if one acts too too clingy and is going overboard with the compliments and such,i get suspicious.Low and behold i was right,the moment she found a new job and started to hang with new people,i was history,its all an act,until they get what they really want,esp if they are followers.

[stoneymirror]

My GF was and still is pretty clingy. She doesn't have many friends. Really only one, and I'm wondering the same thing. What happens when she's surrounded with her friends and I'm not in the picture. She's somewhat of a selfish person IMO and I am constantly wondering if she's really the person she tries to make her self out to be. Sometimes I feel like she just lives in the moment, and if things were to change, she'd drop me like a bad habit to get what she wants.

 

Her clingyness definately has me questioning what's going on. And the compliments do seem to be a little too much at times.

 

Boy do I love dealing with the unknown, people can really catch you by surprise and I don't want to be another victim of a believing a jerk who only thinks about themselves. I guess time will tell, just trying to remain positive.

 

As for the not into her and then maybe thinking she might be the one. I think this tends to run across just about everyone's mind from time to time. It's a rollercoaster, one minute you think you're in love, the next you think you might be with a deceiving butt hole. It's hard to know what I really want because I don't know what I have...

 

Thanks again guys for the advice, it's appreciated.

Edited January 8, 2008 by stoneymirror

[timjones0674]

 

I believe she fell for me a little more than I did for her, she told me on numerous occasions that I was too good for her. ???

 

 

I think you completely missunderstood what she was trying to say, which is that you are doing too much for her... If you have not realized this yet, you are actively driving her away by persueing her and doing too much for her... Meaning, you spent too much time with her that she effectively feels she "caught" you and is loosing interest fast.

 

First, let me cue you in on what is going on in this girls mind. She is saying "Wow, this is a really great guy. We talk allot and he is really nice to me, but I cannot understand why I just dont feel I love him". If you have ever heard a girl say that "He is a great guy, but we just dont have a connection", then you now understand why know. The thing as a guy you must understand is that women are emotional thinkers, not logical thinkers. They either like you or they dont strictly by emotions... No amount of niceness will ever make a person like you more longterm. In reality it will push them away..

 

So how do you get her back? Well, I think you probably have already figured out that professing your love for her will not work, and I think you probably now know why. This might have pushed things too far over the edge in fact, but only time will tell. What you must do now is stop all contact, and I mean all. Leave her alone and let time start to build attraction in you again since right now her attraction in you took a serious nose dive after all you did... In time, assuming you have not pushed the attraction down too far, she will persue you again. When she does however, you need to know this time how to effectively manage the attraction levels... That discussion is for another day, however...

 

Good Luck!!

[stoneymirror]

We're actually back together timjones. But we're taking it much easier now. Only hanging out once every other day vs. everyday like we did in the past.

 

But maybe I should limit this contact even more.

[timjones0674]

We're actually back together timjones. But we're taking it much easier now. Only hanging out once every other day vs. everyday like we did in the past.

 

But maybe I should limit this contact even more.

 

Wonderful!! I suspect the distance probably helped build her interest level again...

 

Please be very careful as you move forward. Two universal truths in love will always remain the same. 1) People love to chase 2) Perceived neediness will always destroy interest level.

 

If you ever have specific questions you would like to pose for me to give you my opinion on, feel free to send an email to my yahoo account at [email protected] . I am off this week from work, so I dont really him much going on...

 

Good Luck!!

[stoneymirror]

To be honest with you, I'm still a little unsure if she's the right one for me, just because I'm not totally sure I can trust her. I guess I'd say it's just a gut feeling. I really think she means well, but I really can't see her not being selfish in the future and instead of thinking what might be best for us, she'll just think what's best for her.

 

I think I'm going to distance myself from her even more, this way she might have more time to see what she really wants. Currently she tells me she loves me more than ever, but her actions almost seem like she's distancing herself from me so that she doesn't get hurt again.

 

Anyhow, thanks again guys for all your help.

[timjones0674]

To be honest with you, I'm still a little unsure if she's the right one for me, just because I'm not totally sure I can trust her. I guess I'd say it's just a gut feeling. I really think she means well, but I really can't see her not being selfish in the future and instead of thinking what might be best for us, she'll just think what's best for her.

 

I think Im going to distance myself from her even more, this way she might have more time to see what she really wants. Currently she tells me she loves me more than ever, but her actions almost seem like she's distancing herself from me so that she doesn't get hurt again.

 

Anyhow, thanks again guys for all your help.

 

 

The approach you are taking now is perfect, and most likely is the reason she is wanting you more than ever. I think you will be shocked at how powerful a force it is when she no longer has control over your emotions. Meaning, the most important thing to remember in being a guy is that time is always on your side. Meaning, the more you dont care how things turn out, the more she will want you and chase you. Odd, I know, but that is just the way things work because people always want what they think they cannot have.... The key thing to remember, though, is to stay cool about the whole thing. If you dont get caught up in the drama of the whole thing, then you will find you are always the one in control...

[stoneymirror]

Great, I definately want to be in control, not only of myself but also in regards to the relationship. I'll keep you updated as to how this all unfolds.