Owl Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Having been the BS in an online emotional affair... I can tell you definitively that my wife would have never been able to rebuild my trust if I had not had the means to verify that she was no longer cheating. PERIOD. Our marriage would have never recovered. Now...I DID tell her point blank shortly after d-day that my trust in her was shattered, and that she knew from this point on that I'd be aware of what was going on on our house computers. I didn't spell out checking emails, or anything else. She knew I'd 'busted' her in the first place by hacking her email/IM accounts and seeing her IM sessions with OM. She also knew that I did computer work for a living, and that my work in the military gave me a background in surveillance. I will say that he should tell her that she's going to have to demonstrate her trustworthiness to him over time, and that he WILL be periodically 'checking' on her. But he should NOT specify how. I'd also tell him to install a keylogger on their computer so that he can see ALL of her internet transactions, in case she does have a different email/IM account. This is exactly what I did after d-day. For the record...after that last series of emails and her NC letter to OM, there never was any contact. I monitored sporadically for about a year afterwards...and became satisfied that her trust WAS completely restored. Her affair was over three years ago, and I stopped 'checking on her' over two years ago. You CAN recover from this...but that will be impossible without trust being rebuilt. And that can only be rebuilt by DEMONSTRATING that trustworthiness over a period of time. How do you propose that she prove to him that she IS trustworthy?
Author trampompoline Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 Here's what I would do. I would put a keylogger on her/your computer and then harvest all the different email addresses she has. I would then crack into every single one of them, to see what's going on, printing off, in hardcopy, anything that I felt was pertinent. I would then discuss full disclosure again, with your spouse, and discuss email accounts but not specific ones. Get her to list all her accounts and any password and sign ons. You can then match up the accounts with the ones you've harvested. If she hides any, you've got her nailed. I'm 99.9% sure this other email account (used for work) is all I need. But I have put the keylogger on. Jeez, my imagination is running wild. I can't wait to get this out of the way. I have to wait about 5 days, until eveyone is gone from our place. I can't fake it if I looked today and found something bad. That's a weird thought. I can't check the email right now, for fear that I may hate and have to leave my wife. Yet she may have done nothing else wrong, and so have no reason but to be kind and loving with her in the meantime, as we've come along time since day 1. This is so bizzare.
michaelk Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Here's what I would do. I would put a keylogger on her/your computer and then harvest all the different email addresses she has. I would then crack into every single one of them, to see what's going on, printing off, in hardcopy, anything that I felt was pertinent. I would then discuss full disclosure again, with your spouse, and discuss email accounts but not specific ones. Get her to list all her accounts and any password and sign ons. You can then match up the accounts with the ones you've harvested. If she hides any, you've got her nailed. So you're suggesting entrapment? This is even worse than sneaking behind her back and snooping, as far as I'm concerned. If you've got to stoop to this level of deception, then give up on your marriage. You're using your spouses deceitful act to justify deceit of your own, and laying the groundwork for nothing good that I can see. The WS needs to choose to be completely open with the BS. Anything short of that doesn't show complete commitment to rebuilding the relationship.
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I'm 99.9% sure this other email account (used for work) is all I need. But I have put the keylogger on. Jeez, my imagination is running wild. I can't wait to get this out of the way. I have to wait about 5 days, until eveyone is gone from our place. I can't fake it if I looked today and found something bad. That's a weird thought. I can't check the email right now, for fear that I may hate and have to leave my wife. Yet she may have done nothing else wrong, and so have no reason but to be kind and loving with her in the meantime, as we've come along time since day 1. This is so bizzare. I currently have nine email accounts for different purposes. It's that easy to open up a webmail account of any kind. It's why something like a keylogger is handy.
Author trampompoline Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 So you're suggesting entrapment? This is even worse than sneaking behind her back and snooping, as far as I'm concerned. If you've got to stoop to this level of deception, then give up on your marriage. You're using your spouses deceitful act to justify deceit of your own, and laying the groundwork for nothing good that I can see. The WS needs to choose to be completely open with the BS. Anything short of that doesn't show complete commitment to rebuilding the relationship. Well, how do you get back to trusting again, if you can't verify? During an affair, the WS will say they are faithful, etc. Then you catch them cheating, and they say sorry, and that they'll change, but why would you take their word for it, at least right off the bat, so soon after they had cheated?
michaelk Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 How do you propose that she prove to him that she IS trustworthy? Openly. He needs to tell her what he needs to rebuild trust. She needs to either agree to that or walk. End of story. In your case, you made it clear to your W that you required complete access to all computer activity in the household. She had the choice of allowing that level of openness or leaving. She chose the former, and it sounds like that worked out for you, which is great.
Author trampompoline Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 For the record...after that last series of emails and her NC letter to OM, there never was any contact. I monitored sporadically for about a year afterwards...and became satisfied that her trust WAS completely restored. Her affair was over three years ago, and I stopped 'checking on her' over two years ago. You CAN recover from this...but that will be impossible without trust being rebuilt. And that can only be rebuilt by DEMONSTRATING that trustworthiness over a period of time. How do you propose that she prove to him that she IS trustworthy? Exactly what I need.. I need to figure out if this was a mistake that will not happen again, or if I have married someone totally different than I thought I had. Well, I have to take off for the day, but I appreciate all the opinions, folks. I'll probably post an update later, after the new year.
michaelk Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Exactly what I need.. I need to figure out if this was a mistake that will not happen again, or if I have married someone totally different than I thought I had. Well, I have to take off for the day, but I appreciate all the opinions, folks. I'll probably post an update later, after the new year. Best wishes, and try not to let your imagination run away with you. Worrying about what might or might not happen after New Year's will just make you feel worse, and accomplishes nothing. I'm sure everything will work out in the end.
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