KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 In a nutshell it sounds like: "I'm staying married, but I'm hoping that if I can make this passive aggressive soft threat of letting you go sound convincing enough, that you will give up this silly NC and get back to being my OW." exactly. and you fed right into it. you know what you should do, but something tells me you will do the exact opposite of what you should do, especially after your reply email. good luck with that.
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 In a nutshell it sounds like: "I'm staying married, but I'm hoping that if I can make this passive aggressive soft threat of letting you go sound convincing enough, that you will give up this silly NC and get back to being my OW." lol...that is sorta the way I took it LB.....
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 The thing is, I think he's offering the A to continue, not that he's going to divorce and marry her. If she chooses to stick around because he is the love of her life, she's going to be second fiddle once again, be stuck as the OW and settle for less. She deserves MORE and BETTER, and he cannot give that to her. The letter confirmed that. your right
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 He and his wife dont talk or communicate othre than small talk. She is controlling, so he tells me. Him and her have been together since 14 and there is that history I guess. Been married 20 years. He says he cares for her, but doesn't love her. Funny as I am typing this I feel silly even mentioning it all. There are 2 preteen daughters...another reason...pretty much the typical ones. But you are only hearing HIS side of this, more than likely an exaggerated one. I mean if he truly is miserable in his marriage, he'd be ending it, not trying to fix it. 20 years is ALOT of history between them, let alone their daughters they have together. He may not feel that intense passionate feeling for her, but he does love her, it's long lasting love, with alot of memories and sharing...Family, friends and a life built together. Through the good, the bad and the ugly.
kchiapet95 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 So you fell off the wagon. You can get back on! You deserve way better. Just don't contact him any more. I know it's hard, but when you feel like talking to him, you just get on here and post! Or go out for a jog, or do something to get your mind off this. It's not easy. But you can do it.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 He doesn't actually know what is holding him back. He and his wife dont talk or communicate othre than small talk. She is controlling, so he tells me. Him and her have been together since 14 and there is that history I guess. Been married 20 years. He says he cares for her, but doesn't love her. Funny as I am typing this I feel silly even mentioning it all. There are 2 preteen daughters...another reason...pretty much the typical ones. It is scarry that you can love someone so much that isn't yours, huh? do you really think a guy who is looking for a piece of a$$ on the side is going to say "i have a great relationship and marriage, my wife and and i are happy, but i would really like to sample what else is out there, are you willing?" no. i am sure there are some miserable men who cheat because their lives and marriages suck. but no matter what, no man is going to tell you how happy he is in his current situation if he is trying to start something with you. if you believe that, then you should be willing to believe anything...and that's no way to live. 1
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 He may not feel that intense passionate feeling for her, but he does love her, it's long lasting love, with alot of memories and sharing...Family, friends and a life built together. Through the good, the bad and the ugly. Forgot to add this, again this has nothing to do with what he feels for you, it's just that he isn't willing give up his whole life, everything that he's worked for, for the unknown, no matter what he feels for you. Affair or not, he never had any intention of leaving his wife and kids. He just got selfish and thought he could have two women in his life, and if you allow him back in, then he'll continue to have his cake and eat it too.
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 exactly. and you fed right into it. you know what you should do, but something tells me you will do the exact opposite of what you should do, especially after your reply email. good luck with that. If people always did what they should do....none of us would be posting here in the first place. I for one am far from perfect and trying my best..
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 If people always did what they should do....none of us would be posting here in the first place. I for one am far from perfect and trying my best.. no, but not everyone gets to make decisions knowing what they are getting into. you know what you're getting into, so yes, you know what you should do and you should do it. if you don't, you have no one to blame for your stupidity and misery but yourself. trying your best is not answering his email the way you did. good luck, but you need to get past a lot of denial about yourself because you get yourself in a healthy place. after so long of NC, and you let yourself get sucked right back in? now is when you should know better.
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 He may not feel that intense passionate feeling for her, but he does love her, it's long lasting love, with alot of memories and sharing...Family, friends and a life built together. Through the good, the bad and the ugly. Forgot to add this, again this has nothing to do with what he feels for you, it's just that he isn't willing give up his whole life, everything that he's worked for, for the unknown, no matter what he feels for you. Affair or not, he never had any intention of leaving his wife and kids. He just got selfish and thought he could have two women in his life, and if you allow him back in, then he'll continue to have his cake and eat it too. I understand this and what the prior poster said about hime not being completely honest with me. I realize there are 2 sides to every story. I think you said it better than I did about his reasons...
GreenEyedLady Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Just another year long comitment in a place that has many memories and is a little bigger than I need. We didn't really have NC terms...we just kinda left it as it was. We left on a good basis. He doesn't actually know what is holding him back. He and his wife dont talk or communicate othre than small talk. She is controlling, so he tells me. Him and her have been together since 14 and there is that history I guess. Been married 20 years. He says he cares for her, but doesn't love her. Funny as I am typing this I feel silly even mentioning it all. There are 2 preteen daughters...another reason...pretty much the typical ones. It is scarry that you can love someone so much that isn't yours, huh? I think that probably if you play it cool, and non-chalant, if he really can't live without you, he'll do what he needs to do... Get a new place, go on with your life...It's not a stretch to think he might end it...Not everyone stays married forever and if he's telling the truth, then he might really do it... I don't buy into the dump him, you deserve better...My story is one that has evolved and my love is the best...It didn't happen overnight, but I'm glad that I stuck it out because I would really be missing out on a great man and partner and the love of my life...Not everyone's R works out, but sometimes they do... It depends on whether you're willing to wait and how much you love him...You don't seem that broken up over it, so that might be a sign that you're ready to move on without him...Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the very best... GEL
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 I think that probably if you play it cool, and non-chalant, if he really can't live without you, he'll do what he needs to do... Get a new place, go on with your life...It's not a stretch to think he might end it...Not everyone stays married forever and if he's telling the truth, then he might really do it... I don't buy into the dump him, you deserve better...My story is one that has evolved and my love is the best...It didn't happen overnight, but I'm glad that I stuck it out because I would really be missing out on a great man and partner and the love of my life...Not everyone's R works out, but sometimes they do... It depends on whether you're willing to wait and how much you love him...You don't seem that broken up over it, so that might be a sign that you're ready to move on without him...Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the very best... GEL Thanks GEL....I am broken up...miserable actually. Just trying to be objective. Your story has touched me as I have read many of your posts while I have been "lurking" here. I am just trying to be careful on what i say here as I have seen what happens to people sometimes. Some people here sense weakness and go for the kill...I needent say more. Thanks for always being kind...most OW never intended for this to happen and unfortunately it is hard to get out of, no matter how bad you want to. Thanks again....
kchiapet95 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 don't buy into the dump him, you deserve better...My story is one that has evolved and my love is the best...It didn't happen overnight, but I'm glad that I stuck it out because I would really be missing out on a great man and partner and the love of my life...Not everyone's R works out, but sometimes they do... I am so happy for you GEL...and I am glad yours turned out well. My issue with GZ's guy is MIXED MESSAGES! On the one hand he's telling her it can never be, and he can't be with her, but on the other hand he misses her and wants to spend the moments with her. If he wants to be with her...he should take the steps necessary to be with her. And I realize, the process takes time, especially when kids are involved, you can't just run and file for D. But small steps, ie going to counseling, saving money, consulting a lawyer, telling his W what is going on...in other words, somehow taking steps to prove that he wants to be with her. This guy seems to be closing the door, but then opening it a crack...and that isn't fair to anyone. Either pee or get off the pot, you know? (Pardonnez-moi!)
GreenEyedLady Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Thanks GEL....I am broken up...miserable actually. Just trying to be objective. Your story has touched me as I have read many of your posts while I have been "lurking" here. I am just trying to be careful on what i say here as I have seen what happens to people sometimes. Some people here sense weakness and go for the kill...I needent say more. Thanks for always being kind...most OW never intended for this to happen and unfortunately it is hard to get out of, no matter how bad you want to. Thanks again.... Yeah, there is some "mud-slinging" sometimes... Keep posting and when you hit 100 posts, you can get PM privileges...And you can always PM without worrying about it being on the forum for everyone to see...You might want to see if you can enable them now since you've been on since Oct... Now this is how I am, which you may not be like this, but I look at everything objectively, then I look at what I feel and give it my best guess...But really, objectivity doesn't mesh with my own personal philosophy...I go with my heart because I'd rather regret something I did, than regret "not doing" something...But that's just me... I'm not sure how exactly to support you because you seem somewhat unclear of what you really want...but like I said before, I'll support you no matter what you choose... (((HUGS)))
GreenEyedLady Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I am so happy for you GEL...and I am glad yours turned out well. My issue with GZ's guy is MIXED MESSAGES! On the one hand he's telling her it can never be, and he can't be with her, but on the other hand he misses her and wants to spend the moments with her. If he wants to be with her...he should take the steps necessary to be with her. And I realize, the process takes time, especially when kids are involved, you can't just run and file for D. But small steps, ie going to counseling, saving money, consulting a lawyer, telling his W what is going on...in other words, somehow taking steps to prove that he wants to be with her. This guy seems to be closing the door, but then opening it a crack...and that isn't fair to anyone. Either pee or get off the pot, you know? (Pardonnez-moi!) Thank you! It has been the best Christmas ever! But that's all I'll say... (Pm for ya) Yeah, I agree but really, that's how they are...They don't want to be rejected straight out, so they put in face-saving measures...That's why the ambiguity... I really believe that before they leave they have to realize that they will lose you forever if they don't do what they need to do...And they need to feel secure that their life with you will be at least as good and that you won't leave them later...Men, can't live with them, can't live without them... And it does take time...Believe me, I am not a patient woman...But mine is definitely worth it...
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