GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Hi everyone, I mostly read posts here as they help alot. My situation has been pretty much like everyone elses....a 2 1/2 year relationship. We were both married...I left....he hasn't, said the time wasn't right yet. MM and I have been in NC(pretty much) for a little over a month now. I got this email Christmas Eve. and it freaked me out a little. NC was initiated by him because he knew I had to start making some decisions and he just wasn't ready to leave yet. Why in the world would a MM that left you send this email? Hey Baby, Sorry its been so long getting a letter out to you. I have felt a little bad about everything that happened and I just didnt know what to say. I just want you to know that I still think of you always and do miss you alot. I will never forget what we had and what we could have had. It was special and I will hold it in my heart forever. What we had was real and I loved everything about it. I just couldnt go to bed tonight and not wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We should be spending it together but I guess those days are no longer a choice. I am sure you are moving on and I have no right to stop or slow you down. I do hope whatever path you chose will be a happy and good one for you. I will always be your friend and more. Was he "fishing" to see where I was at in my life....it was wierd and I just don't know what to think...It hurt me but I know it wasn't intended to.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 If you're happy with your life, don't go there...It is looking like he wants to go back to the A... Just delete it and move on unless you want to continue... (((HUGS)))
nextel Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 A man is going to be a man regardless of the situation. I might be wrong, but I dont think that he wants to leave his situation but to see if you could still be avaliable for what you previously had. Do you still want to be with him? Where you supposed to be together once you both left your respective partners?
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 If you're happy with your life, don't go there...It is looking like he wants to go back to the A... Just delete it and move on unless you want to continue... (((HUGS))) Ty...GEL....I always find your advice here sound and wise.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Sorry, but that sounds like a closure letter to me. As much as he may want to be with you, he can't be. 1
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 (edited) A man is going to be a man regardless of the situation. I might be wrong, but I dont think that he wants to leave his situation but to see if you could still be avaliable for what you previously had. Do you still want to be with him? Where you supposed to be together once you both left your respective partners? Yes....we had planned on being together. We were very much in love, just as most people here. He is a kind and good man...we both just got involved in something we shouldn't have. We know that... I don't wanna get to detailed as to not give TMI...but, I have never loved anyone like this man. But as in all our situations...he is taken... Edited December 27, 2007 by GirlZilla typo
nextel Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Yes....we had planned on being together. We were very much in love, just as most people here. He is a kind and good man...we both just got involved in something we shouldn't have. We know that... I don't wanna get to detailed as to not give TMI...but, I have never loved anyone like this man. But as in all our situations...we is taken... I am sorry that I sense a lot of saddness from your response. One thing you pointed out in your response was "you had planned on being together". You went through with that agreement and he did not. A man that cannot hold his word is not worth respecting. I am sure he is a good man, but he has his situation that he has no intentions of getting out of. I wish you all the best.
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 I am sorry that I sense a lot of saddness from your response. One thing you pointed out in your response was "you had planned on being together". You went through with that agreement and he did not. A man that cannot hold his word is not worth respecting. I am sure he is a good man, but he has his situation that he has no intentions of getting out of. I wish you all the best. Thanks Nextel...I wish you the best as well. I left when my marriage all came to a head. Timing was more of an issue. Mine was right his wasn't. He never could give me a definate time line and everytime he went to do it...he wimped out. Just as many stories I have read. He knows that is unfair to me. Part of me wants to wait...part of me doesn't. It is hard when you keep thinking "what if". Moving on is not what I wanna do...but I don't see as I have a choice....thanks again.....
stampdaddy Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Sorry, but that sounds like a closure letter to me. As much as he may want to be with you, he can't be. I agree, sounds like a "closure letter".. He doesnt want to hurt you and has those feelings still, BUT, he knows he is where he will stay. He is not intentionally trying to give you hope, but I can see where you can dig some hope out of his email... Dont know what to tell you other than it's probably best to keep marching forward with the attitude that 2008 is gonna be your year....
kchiapet95 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Good luck to you GZ in moving on. You'll be just fine. NC is the way to go with this one. Maybe it is a closure letter, but it's a mixed message closure letter. Bolding what I see as critical: Hey Baby, Sorry its been so long getting a letter out to you. I have felt a little bad about everything that happened and I just didnt know what to say. I just want you to know that I still think of you always and do miss you alot. I will never forget what we had and what we could have had. It was special and I will hold it in my heart forever. What we had was real and I loved everything about it. I just couldnt go to bed tonight and not wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We should be spending it together but I guess those days are no longer a choice. I am sure you are moving on and I have no right to stop or slow you down. I do hope whatever path you chose will be a happy and good one for you. I will always be your friend and more. You're no longer his baby, he went back to work on his M. If he misses you so much, he needs to do something about it. He does have a choice...and he made it, to be with his W! So why is he sending you this? I will always be your friend and more??? What the f*** is that? Sorry, but to me this does NOT sound like a closure letter. I'd bet that if you asked him to see you again for old time's sake, he would. He's bored and unhappy and he's reaching out for some happiness. If he wanted to be with you, he'd send you this message when he was free. Sorry to be so harsh, but I smell something rotten in Denmark!!!
imstunned Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I'd be gutted if I got that e-mail. Its like a mixed message closure mess up!! I got a text saying "never say never" when I asked my ex mm if he would ever be comming back to me. That was bad enough. . .but this!! Keep NC. He does have a choice, and he seems to have chosen his wife, but is wondering if he still has you. .
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 I'd be gutted if I got that e-mail. Its like a mixed message closure mess up!! I got a text saying "never say never" when I asked my ex mm if he would ever be comming back to me. That was bad enough. . .but this!! Keep NC. He does have a choice, and he seems to have chosen his wife, but is wondering if he still has you. . At least I am not crazy...lol! It has been bothering me...very mixed messages. NC is hard and I struggle every minute...best of luck to you!
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 lol...kchiapet...your response made me giggle. Thanks for your insight. I have been keeping up on your thread and I wish you all the luck in the world!
nextel Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Thanks Nextel...I wish you the best as well. I left when my marriage all came to a head. Timing was more of an issue. Mine was right his wasn't. He never could give me a definate time line and everytime he went to do it...he wimped out. Just as many stories I have read. He knows that is unfair to me. Part of me wants to wait...part of me doesn't. It is hard when you keep thinking "what if". Moving on is not what I wanna do...but I don't see as I have a choice....thanks again..... I would not advise you to contact him but if you should, please keep it straight to the point. example: This is how the situation is at the moment. If you should ever become single and for mysterious reason, I happen to be avaliable, maybe we will continue. I wish you nothing but the best.
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 It is possible that he just wants things to end in a positive way. Like there is no real "goodbye" but in a way his letter to you WAS the goodbye. Left in the minds that you two meant alot to eachother, but it can never be - Only in your hearts and minds. Take what you need out of the letter to give yourself the closure you need from him, then focus on making your own closure. Close the door to him, grieve and move on.
OWoman Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I will always be your friend and more??? What the f*** is that? Sorry, but to me this does NOT sound like a closure letter. I'd bet that if you asked him to see you again for old time's sake, he would. He's bored and unhappy and he's reaching out for some happiness. If he wanted to be with you, he'd send you this message when he was free. Sorry to be so harsh, but I smell something rotten in Denmark!!! I agree with KC - this is the most ambivalent and ambiguous "closure letter" I've ever seen! He's trying to cover all his bases here - in case you've moved on: well, so has he, he's said "it was fun but now it's done". If you still have space for him in your life / bed: well, he'll be your friend AND MORE!! (like those infomercials - "but wait - there's more! Place your order within the next ten minutes and qualify for a free upgrade to FRIEND - WITH BENEFITS! First 100 callers only, hurry!") I wouldn't lose sleep over this guy. If he's not direct enough to come out and say, let's get it on, watcha say... he clearly hasn't grown any balls since you last waved him goodbye.
kchiapet95 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Thanks for the well wishes GZ! I'm glad I can make you laugh. Stay strong! Don't respond. Or if you do, make it as terse as possible! "I'm fine, very happy. Thanks for the well wishes! ~ GirlZilla" That should do it!
GreenEyedLady Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 That is NO closure letter...First of all men don't do "closure" letters, they just disappear... Now they do do NC letters when forced by their W's but that's not what this is... OP: Have you decided if you want to move on or are you planning on responding?
OWoman Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 That is NO closure letter...First of all men don't do "closure" letters, they just disappear... I beg to differ - I've helped write a few (laptop + pub = danger! Especially if there's wireless to send it immediately...) But I really think this email has a not-so-hidden agenda!
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 That is NO closure letter...First of all men don't do "closure" letters, they just disappear... Now they do do NC letters when forced by their W's but that's not what this is... OP: Have you decided if you want to move on or are you planning on responding? Well, GEL...I did respond. I was honest and told him I missed him and it has been hard...bla...bla...bla. Thanked him for his well wishes and wished him a Merry Christmas as well. Probably nothing that he didn't already know. Can't really remember it all, but it was short. I left my marriage last March and moved out. Here it is almost a year later and he knows I have to start doing something. He feels bad for leaving me here hanging. I have no interest in dating yet as this man was the love of my life...(sounds silly...I know). Part of me wants to renew my lease and try to move on with a wait and see attitude, to be completely honest. He has told me many times he wants me and a life with me...but just can't seem to bring himself to actually do it. He has come close, but chickened out at the last moment. You know...same as many. We were best friends and I miss that more than anything.
Meaplus3 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 If you're happy with your life, don't go there...It is looking like he wants to go back to the A... Just delete it and move on unless you want to continue... (((HUGS))) My thought's exactly GEL. AP:)
GreenEyedLady Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I have no interest in dating yet as this man was the love of my life...(sounds silly...I know). Part of me wants to renew my lease and try to move on with a wait and see attitude, to be completely honest. He has told me many times he wants me and a life with me...but just can't seem to bring himself to actually do it. He has come close, but chickened out at the last moment. You know...same as many. We were best friends and I miss that more than anything. Will it mess up anything for you if you do renew your lease? And when you went NC, what exactly were the terms? It seems to me if you believe that he is the love of your life (which is not silly at all) and you're willing to wait and see without it affecting your life adversely, maybe you should do that... What is it that is holding him back? In his eyes? Do you think that he is telling you the truth about it? I hope you don't mind me asking all these questions; Just trying to get a clearer picture...
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 In a nutshell it sounds like: "I'm staying married, but I'm hoping that if I can make this passive aggressive soft threat of letting you go sound convincing enough, that you will give up this silly NC and get back to being my OW."
Author GirlZilla Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 Will it mess up anything for you if you do renew your lease? And when you went NC, what exactly were the terms? It seems to me if you believe that he is the love of your life (which is not silly at all) and you're willing to wait and see without it affecting your life adversely, maybe you should do that... What is it that is holding him back? In his eyes? Do you think that he is telling you the truth about it? I hope you don't mind me asking all these questions; Just trying to get a clearer picture... Just another year long comitment in a place that has many memories and is a little bigger than I need. We didn't really have NC terms...we just kinda left it as it was. We left on a good basis. He doesn't actually know what is holding him back. He and his wife dont talk or communicate othre than small talk. She is controlling, so he tells me. Him and her have been together since 14 and there is that history I guess. Been married 20 years. He says he cares for her, but doesn't love her. Funny as I am typing this I feel silly even mentioning it all. There are 2 preteen daughters...another reason...pretty much the typical ones. It is scarry that you can love someone so much that isn't yours, huh?
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 It seems to me if you believe that he is the love of your life (which is not silly at all) and you're willing to wait and see without it affecting your life adversely, maybe you should do that... The thing is, I think he's offering the A to continue, not that he's going to divorce and marry her. If she chooses to stick around because he is the love of her life, she's going to be second fiddle once again, be stuck as the OW and settle for less. She deserves MORE and BETTER, and he cannot give that to her. The letter confirmed that.
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