MichaelH Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 i dont know where to go from here but my wife of 8 years is demanding material items and money for sex. her libido dropped to almost nothing or at least that is what she'd like me to believe. i have a feeling she is masturbating though and using our old sex toys. she wants to charge as much as a high priced hooker. fyi, i have had a few affairs over the years due to not getting my needs met. dont know if there is any possible remedy to this situation. we have 3 kids from age 3 - 12 years old. and then any money that i give her disappears into thin air. she said she bought clothing with it but nothing new in the house. im fearful that she is cheating on me. she was an innocent woman when we met and she was pretty naughty during sex. did everything i asked for and now as cold as an icecube. i dont know what to do anymore except divorce but my pastor says no. should i seek another affair? i used to have lots of guilt over my previous affairs but all of that has subsided since she became this totally different person.
shadowofman Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 If you are not willing to divorce (because of your pastor; silly reason) and your wife is demanding such a crazy compensation, I would not start an affair. I would openly search for a girlfriend. Hell, I would tape record her rediculous request for money, just so you could have some defense against her suing you. Let her cheat. Stay with the marriage for the kids and satisfy yourself.
Tripper Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 i dont know where to go from here but my wife of 8 years is demanding material items and money for sex. her libido dropped to almost nothing or at least that is what she'd like me to believe. i have a feeling she is masturbating though and using our old sex toys. she wants to charge as much as a high priced hooker. fyi, i have had a few affairs over the years due to not getting my needs met. dont know if there is any possible remedy to this situation. we have 3 kids from age 3 - 12 years old. and then any money that i give her disappears into thin air. she said she bought clothing with it but nothing new in the house. im fearful that she is cheating on me. she was an innocent woman when we met and she was pretty naughty during sex. did everything i asked for and now as cold as an icecube. i dont know what to do anymore except divorce but my pastor says no. should i seek another affair? i used to have lots of guilt over my previous affairs but all of that has subsided since she became this totally different person. Michael, in a perfect world what would you want?? Rekindle the relationship? Divorce?? Open marriage?? I ask because there's several things happening here. Have you discussed this whole issue with her, and what she is feeling?? There may be several reasons for loss of libido. Anything from general health and wellness problems, to over masturbation, to having an affair. That said, the fact that she demands recompense for sex makes one wonder what's going on inside her head. Could be anything from not wanting to have sex with you to some sort of emotional detachment from the act if she gets paid (as an aside what does that make her?). Having an affair is a personal, moral issue; you've stated you've felt guilt in the past, but now that's changed. But why have the affair?? Why sneak around and lie?? Why not simply have the discussion and tell her that as long as you are going to pay her for sex, you want to have the option of "purchasing" it elsewhere? Her reaction may give you some deeper insight into the issue. Because you have children it's simply not that easy to walk away. You do have obligations to make sure they are raised properly and provided for. If it wasn't for the children, you could simply walk away from this relationship. However children do get raised in single parent homes quite successfully. Depending on whether or not you want to stay in the marriage, you need to do some more digging. Specifically ask her: Why are you "charging" me for sex?? Do you want to stay married?? Are you having an affair?? (if she is she may lie and deny) Have you seen a doctor about your <so called> loss of libido?? How do you feel about me finding sex and intimacy elsewhere?? These are very pointed questions but need to be asked in a non-confrontational way. Keep us posted....
shadowofman Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Why not simply have the discussion and tell her that as long as you are going to pay her for sex, you want to have the option of "purchasing" it elsewhere? lol !!! It is a free market economy, and competition is good for business, right?
Tripper Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 lol !!! It is a free market economy, and competition is good for business, right? hahahha.... exactly, SOM!!! It comes down to discretionary, disposable income and where you want to spend it. Aaahhhh... the choices a consumer has to make...
shadowofman Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Mike, it's all about the invisible hand of the market. Once you introduce competition, maybe imports from China, your wife's costs will drop to bargain cathouse prices in no time. What is a high priced hooker going for these days anyway?
Always Wrong Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Absolutely record and in some way document this strange behavior!!! The courts always side with the woman when you have no proof. I let myself be abused for years and never said anything to anyone... noone knew. When I finally broke down and left her, I was accused of all kinds of bogus bullsh*t. Needless to say she got the majority of the sympathy from those who make the decisions in the courts. Only my closest friend whom I confided in on a weekly basis Knew the truth. RECORD IT!!! IT is very, very important to have documentation of some sort. Don't give her cash. Write her checks and put "for sex" in the memo!
Always Wrong Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Oh, by the way... good morning. I hope you get to feeling better.
sally4sara Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Well, it is pretty standard that the frequency of sex lessens over the years especially after two people procreate. The biological drive to reproduce has been met. And if that lessening of frequency resulted in you not getting it often enough to not stray..........well you killed the other reason she had for wanting to have sex at all when you had your affair. You breached trust by letting her know that the closeness in the relationship wasn't good enough for you. A lot of women have trouble climaxing with a partner they cannot trust even though they can still reach orgasm through masturbation. I'm not sure I'd get all worked up for someone I knew would just step out if I didn't serve it up. It would be a bunch of pretending and then taking care of her own sexual needs privately later. It sounds to me like she began thinking about sex with what she thinks is your mind set. Intimacy does not meet her needs, so she is now filling the void with monetary comfort. Just like the phyisical side didn't meet your needs and you filled the void by seeking it elsewhere. I wouldn't be surprised if the money that disappears is being put in a quiet little account for when you trade her in for a younger model.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 My guess is that she is socking that money away in preparation to leave you and start a new life.
Mz. Pixie Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 My guess is that she is socking that money away in preparation to leave you and start a new life. I totally agree. There is also the issue of your affairs that you have had in the past. Perhaps she feels like that since you went outside the marriage to get your needs met- which probably cost you money (flowers, hotel rooms, etc) that she should charge you as well??
Mustang Sally Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 How interesting this is. It would be quite fascinating to be able to hear your wife's side of this. Who's to say who is actually being unreasonable? Why do you suppose she's "cold as an icecube" now? What has been going on between you two between her starting out being an "innocent woman" that was "naughty during sex" and now this icecube phase? (Other than your affairs, that is.) I agree with LB and Mz Pixie. Get ready...sounds like a hard rain's gonna fall your way soon.
JamesM Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 fyi, i have had a few affairs over the years due to not getting my needs met. i dont know what to do anymore except divorce but my pastor says no. should i seek another affair? i used to have lots of guilt over my previous affairs but all of that has subsided since she became this totally different person. I was stuck at the "I had a few affairs because my needs were not met" comment. Sorry, her reaction is what is the result of this. Unless these affairs have been resolved in your marriage, her angry behavior stems from this. While you felt your needs were not met, hers were not being met as well. Your needs were sexual, hers were probably emotional. I wonder why you felt your needs were not met. How often were you having sex (I am guessing this is the need you felt was not being met)? While shadowofman and I don't usually agree , we do this time. What does the pastor have to do with this? Didn't you make a commitment to your marriage? And since you have broken that commitment many times, why do you think she is not allowed to do the same? So what if she is cheating...have you ever asked for forgiveness for all of the hurt you forced into her life? Perhaps the anger and hurt you now feel is her way of letting you know what she felt? While I cannot read her mind, it seems that your "few affairs" were a major deal to her.
Tripper Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Michael, I'm a little confused. You haven't stated that your wife knows about your past affairs, yet other posters are assuming she does. Can you clarify this point, please?
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Why cheat? I mean, you have a wife who will take your money - Instead of you going off and having an affair, you two could have fun with this. She can dress up, put on wigs, you can pretend to pick her up, flirt with her, role play etc - It could spice up your sex life. On another note, you've cheated on her afew times in the marriage, so maybe she found out and decided to cheat on you. Either way, you two need to sit and talk this out, figure out what you want as little 3 hearts you two created together are going to be affected by you and your wifes actions.
sally4sara Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Michael, I'm a little confused. You haven't stated that your wife knows about your past affairs, yet other posters are assuming she does. Can you clarify this point, please? C'mon Trip. Its pretty rare to get cheated on and have no idea its happening. Even if he hasn't told her, its likely she knows or at least has strong suspicions. He may think she doesn't know, but dollars to donuts she knows something!
Tripper Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 C'mon Trip. Its pretty rare to get cheated on and have no idea its happening. Even if he hasn't told her, its likely she knows or at least has strong suspicions. He may think she doesn't know, but dollars to donuts she knows something! I'll agree to a point, Sal, but on the off chance he somehow kept the affairs a secret from his W, it puts her actions in a whole different light. If she knew about the affairs then I could see her staying in the M for the kids and hosing her H down for $ for sex; kind of an "I'll make you pay one way or the other" attitude. But if she didn't know, then her motivation for doing so?? Give me a woman's perspective, if you can, please....
sally4sara Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 I'll agree to a point, Sal, but on the off chance he somehow kept the affairs a secret from his W, it puts her actions in a whole different light. If she knew about the affairs then I could see her staying in the M for the kids and hosing her H down for $ for sex; kind of an "I'll make you pay one way or the other" attitude. But if she didn't know, then her motivation for doing so?? Give me a woman's perspective, if you can, please.... Well the only way I would mimic her actions is if I had been a stay at home mother and my cheating partner was the bread winner. While this situation should be the optimum one (one parent at home with the kids and one earning to support the finances regardless of gender), too often when the bread winner strays it leaves the other partner feeling trapped. Like "I don't think I can manage without them so I am forced to stay". And then resentment pours in. Witholding sex even more and getting money to squirrel away for a lawyer when your replacement shows up or to get out of dodge when X amount accumulated. It would give me a sense that I had some control and security when all else failed. It would ease that feeling of being a stupid idiot for staying and putting up with it. We will find our coping mechanisms where we can.
Arachnia Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 Maybe your wife is so cold because you because you had a "few affairs". I certainly wouldn't want to give any of myself to a man who showed me in the past that I wasn't enough. She may be saving the money you give her to get out of the relationship comfortably. My opinion is, once the trust is gone, there isn't anything left.
Trialbyfire Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 i dont know where to go from here but my wife of 8 years is demanding material items and money for sex. her libido dropped to almost nothing or at least that is what she'd like me to believe. i have a feeling she is masturbating though and using our old sex toys. she wants to charge as much as a high priced hooker. fyi, i have had a few affairs over the years due to not getting my needs met. dont know if there is any possible remedy to this situation. we have 3 kids from age 3 - 12 years old. and then any money that i give her disappears into thin air. she said she bought clothing with it but nothing new in the house. im fearful that she is cheating on me. she was an innocent woman when we met and she was pretty naughty during sex. did everything i asked for and now as cold as an icecube. i dont know what to do anymore except divorce but my pastor says no. should i seek another affair? i used to have lots of guilt over my previous affairs but all of that has subsided since she became this totally different person. I do love how you minimalized this in your post. I find it difficult to believe that you have major concern over your wife cheating, when you've cheated on her not once but repetitively. If you want sex at home, I guess you'll have to pay to play.
StalkingSerenity Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Hi Michael Unfortunately you seem to have opted for the path of least resistance during your marriage, seeking other women when your wife wasn't 'available'. Resistance is what you're getting back in spades now! I wonder if your wife got her needs met? The majority of people get a vibe when their OHs are not 'tuned in' for want of a better expression. I find it extremely hard to believe that you managed to have several affairs without your wife being affected. By your own admission she would do whatever you wanted (lucky you! have you read about incompatible sexual couples at all?) and yet you think the ice fairy came down and turned her away from your advances. I know for a fact if sex was regarded as a 'right' by my OH and i was easily substituted throughout our marriage, I wouldn't have any qualms waking up and asking for what *I* needed. You have already been given some great advice earlier. Simply put its your turn to put some effort in. Sound your wife out and see if she is willing or interested in you two becoming closer again although I cant fathom staying together because of religious beliefs. Surely those beliefs don't advocate having affairs? I wish you luck in resolving this problem.
MysticStar Posted January 9, 2008 Posted January 9, 2008 Did your wife know about the affairs? If not maybe she found out and she's taking you to task for it. As for the money, I agree with some of the others that suggest she might be saving it in preparation of leaving you. Either way, you two need to sit down and decide if you still really love each other and want to keep things together, then you need to get counseling. You've got kids, think of them, see if the two of you can get your minds off yourselves long enough to focus on your kids and their needs for a change. Marriage is very difficult, it requires a lot of give and take, a lot of effort and a lot of sacrifice. I know you're in a tough situation, but humble yourself, tell her you love her, tell her you want the two of you to put the past behind and start over fresh with each other. You two once loved each other enough to get married and have kids. Can't you try to recapture that? I hope you can, good luck.
Heart Broken Geek Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 Well, it is pretty standard that the frequency of sex lessens over the years especially after two people procreate. The biological drive to reproduce has been met. And if that lessening of frequency resulted in you not getting it often enough to not stray..........well you killed the other reason she had for wanting to have sex at all when you had your affair. You breached trust by letting her know that the closeness in the relationship wasn't good enough for you. A lot of women have trouble climaxing with a partner they cannot trust even though they can still reach orgasm through masturbation. I'm not sure I'd get all worked up for someone I knew would just step out if I didn't serve it up. It would be a bunch of pretending and then taking care of her own sexual needs privately later. It sounds to me like she began thinking about sex with what she thinks is your mind set. Intimacy does not meet her needs, so she is now filling the void with monetary comfort. Just like the phyisical side didn't meet your needs and you filled the void by seeking it elsewhere. I wouldn't be surprised if the money that disappears is being put in a quiet little account for when you trade her in for a younger model. Oh whatever. She did the ol' bait and switch and now shes getting whats coming to her even though she doesn't know it.
Always Wrong Posted January 10, 2008 Posted January 10, 2008 i dont know where to go from here but my wife of 8 years is demanding material items and money for sex. I'm curious Michael... what "material items" are being requested? Summer outfits? Makeover? Luggage? One way ticket to Rio? Yup... she's leaving. But if she's asking for a table saw, drill w/attachments, sealant, hammer, nails, and enough lumber to build an 8x2.5x1.5 foot box......... RUN!!!
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