so_sad Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I posted my story the night that a whole bunch of threads were deleted, so here it is again in a nutshell: my fiance of 2 years left me about two months ago quite out of the blue and was unwilling to do anything to try to save our reltaionship (5 years total). I was completely, utterly blindsided. He has been alternately mean and okay with me since then, often getting angry with me when we speak. We are now only talking to deal with questions of separating our house, finances, shared assets etc. I just spoke to him about the house stuff, and he took the opportunity to ask me about Christmas, and he told me that he'd had a really hard time with Christmas this year. As soon as he said it, I felt so sad. I wanted to talk to him about it and make him feel better. It is SO hard for me to force myself to remember that he chose this - it was every bit his decision and none of mine. And yet I can't help myself from thinking about him being sad and messed up. Before he broke up with me he got a new job and a lot of stressful stuff went on in his family, and people have suggested to me that he broke up with me because it was one aspect of his life that he could control. He also has problems with episodic depression and anxiety. I know it's crazy, but when I'm not filled with sadness and anger about how he treated me, part of me feels sorry for this person who broke my heart, broke his commitment to me, and walked out on the life we shared. Does anyone else feel this way? I know that I really have to focus on the fact that ending our relationship was his decision, and focus on myself and my happiness now. But it is really hard. I loved him (no, I still do) and in many ways his unhappiness kills me.
norajane Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Usually anger in those kinds of break-up situations, and hurt, generally prevent a person from feeling sorry for the dumper. I think your love for him is what is making you look beyond your own feelings to feel bad for him. I'm not sure why you aren't angry with him? Unless you feel he's so messed up he's not in his right mind...? The thing to remember is that you cannot save him, especially not from himself. He has to pull himself out of whatever he's going through on his own - because that IS what he chose for himself.
Author so_sad Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 (edited) Norajane, I am angry at him. A lot of the time. I would say my predominant emotions are anger and hurt. The feeling bad for him seeps in, usually when I speak to him or get a message from him. He is not seriously screwed up or anything, but I do think he was confused about a lot of things when he broke up with me. But you're right, I have to work at not worrying about how he's doing. He chose this; I didn't. Maybe I'm the one who's seriously screwed up... Edited December 27, 2007 by so_sad typo
Jmina Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Hey there! your post caught my eye. I also felt sad, and heartbroken FOR my ex that she was heartbroken! amongst my own pain and sadness alot of the time i looked past my any anger and felt sorry for her. I often had thoughts like "my poor girl shouldnt have to go through this" she was really having a rough time. your not crazy and im not either. I know that i have a huge open heart and to go with it i love my ex unconditionally. 7 months later and she still makes me smile and feel warm! havnt seen her in about 5 months. They way i dealt with this is to realise that i dont have to look after her, not now and should never have to again. you probably have a big maternal side to you. being sad for her and wanting to help her was kind of like my maternal instincts, wanting to protect those that i love even though they hurt me alot. wanting to help, worrying for them IS also another last attempt to hold on. you dont have to help him not even in the comfort of your own mind. he will be fine. he is on his own path that he must take now and so are you. Jmina
norajane Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Actually, I don't think you're screwed up at all. I have often helped myself get through a bad break-up by feeling sorry for the guy. It's more like pity - poor, pathetic ex, he's too messed up to even have a clue as to how messed up he is for letting me go! Sometimes it is a genuine pity, the kind that comes along with a loss of respect for him. It's hard to be 'in love' with someone you've lost respect for as a man.
Jmina Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I didn't pity my ex in a pathetic way. this comes from having a closed heart and no understanding or compassion. i wanted to finish this chapter with the same open fresh heart that i had to start with. It is something some of us only have once in our lives, others are able to treasure their capability to love - in all forms. not just when it is easy. I wanted my ex to be okay and i wanted myself to be okay. I was hurt dreadfully when she left, it knocked me off the face of the earth. however i dont blame it on her, it was meant to happen exactly how it did and we both have valuable gifts from it, not to mention memories and our hearts where opened for the first time now we have the ablilty to do it again. well that is my theory and it works wonders for me. =)
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 While I'm not a dumpee, every time I feel sorry for an ex, it always comes back to bite me in the arse. Avoid that emotion like the plague...
Jmina Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 (edited) when i felt sorry for my ex it was a genuine feeling, not a forced one or emotions that i held onto. it was something that i had to go through and i am glad that i did go through it without bitterness. I am a very strong person now, nothing is stronger than love - i mean the love and compassion that i live by each day. not the love between two people. ...it hasnt bit me in the ass and i dont intend it to. if she was to turn around and hurt me again, all it would show is her own pain and the fact that she isnt dealing with things. i would be fine. if someone bites me it shows their own insecurites. i can brush that off. this is what the whole relationship breakdown has taught me. about compassion, love, insecurites, people on their own paths, going with the flow, lessons. If i was the dumper - it would be more obvious to not feel sorry for them, as it might hold you in a position of guilt. it all comes down to living foryourself. helping your self. loving yourself. for both parties. no matter whether your a dumper or dumpee. Edited December 27, 2007 by Jmina
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Why do dumpees want to think that there's guilt involved? There isn't, at least for me. If you're going to walk away from someone, it had better be for good reason(s). If that's the case, why would there be any guilt involved? As for it coming back to bite me in the arse, if I feel sorry for someone, I tend to want to help them. In wanting to help them, it leaves the door open for an ex to believe that there maybe an opportunity to renew the relationship. Guess what? No way...
Jmina Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 (edited) Because you hurt the person that you loved. i also said it MIGHT hold you in a position of guilt. you didnt feel guilty? great! feeling sorry for someone, feeling sad that they are hurt is one thing. which is what i was talking about... acting on it and trying to help is another thing... im not suprised that they took it as a chance for reconciliation! a dumpee looks at anything and analysising anything for a chance of hope, let alone a helping hand from the one they love i would advice people that you actually wouldnt go and help your ex. you cant help each other through your own breakup. although there is always the odd couple out there.... Sounds like you were a nice person to help out, and like me have learnt some valuable lessons about breakups and yourself.. and others. Edited December 27, 2007 by Jmina
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Who said anything about helping anyone out with the breakup? Not I. If an ex has issues, which might have directly, indirectly or have nothing to do with causing the breakup, this is what I'm talking about.
Author so_sad Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 Thanks; it's so interesting to hear everyone's thoughts. Jmina, I admire your will to get through your breakup without bitterness...I hope I can get there too someday. In a way I guess I feel sorry for my ex because I truly think he has unrealistic expectations about relationships, and I don't know that he's ever going to find what he's looking for. But mainly it's that I hate thinking about him going through something painful, even if that something was his choice. It's not easy to turn off the love you have for someone, right?
Jmina Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 trial by fire is this about being right or is this about helping so_sad with her question. my posts arent aimed directly at you, they are fairly general and would cover a lot of people. i aimed "im not suprised they took it as a reconciliation" at you. that was it. Just noting that i wasnt accusing anybody of helping someone with the breakup it self. (i wouldnt advise that either)I am glad that you didnt help your ex with the breakup. i actually wrote help each other through, which as you said would cover issues which might have directly, indirectly or have nothing to do with causing the breakup, which is what you were talking about. If you feel that i am accusing you of things that you havnt done i apologise! my posts are only advice and are meant to be general to dumpees and dumpers. So_sad you could get through it without a load of bitterness. Just work on yourself and go with the flow. it is fine to be bitter for a moment. its natural. however it is something that i refused to stay in and so i work on disolving it and concentrating on other views. getting a different point of view can make all the difference. " In a way I guess I feel sorry for my ex because I truly think he has unrealistic expectations about relationships, and I don't know that he's ever going to find what he's looking for. But mainly it's that I hate thinking about him going through something painful, even if that something was his choice. It's not easy to turn off the love you have for someone, right? " hey i agree with this about my ex. i feel that my ex thought relationships are meant to be easy! lol. and if she continues that way i feel she wont get anywhere either. also i hate thinking about her going through something painful too. whether its their choice or not its still hard for both parties. wouldve been nice for it to be an uneventful breakup where i didnt really care about her or whatever but then i would have had no lessons learnt. .
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 You tell me jmina, whether this is about winning or not... My advice to so_sad is to stop feeling sorry for her ex. I doubt her ex is feeling sorry for her.
Jmina Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Oh and so_Sad oh , you should never have to feel that you should turn the love "off" if you truly love them then continue to love them! keep your heart open. it is fine to love someone from afar. and doing so it will also take its own course and you will be fine. ( the love will get less intense after time, ) if you feel genuine empathy, love, compasion then let it be. it wont hurt you. even unrequited love has a rainbow! accept how you feel, dont act on it but accept it. and continue to work on yourself. make it all about you. dont try and stop loving. it doesnt work. it just turns you into a bitter person because we try to compensate the love with hate. who wants to be a hateful person? even if it is for someone who hurt us? not me!
starlite Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I did feel sorry for my ex the first month. We were together 2.5 years. We were fighting alot. Well, we broke up, kinda his doing..,then we tried again for about a week and I ended it hours after my best friends wedding. I didnt trust him and i was overwhelmed by these feelings. I felt so awful for him because i was worried he felt alone. He lost me...his main source of comfort and friendship, as well as his actual male best friend. He lost him because he has been hanging with his ex. I felt so bad I cried for him sometimes, thinking he had no one to turn to or vent to or be comforted by. As well as me feeling bad for myself for losing the man i loved. Well, that was the first month...then i got a call from his ex best friend telling me MY ex had cheated on me a few times, and that he was now sleeping with his ex. (I hope that makes sense). Well, I no longer feel bad for him the F ing jerk! But so_sad....i know how you feel feeling sorry for him. I dont hope it ends the same for you as it did for me...but I do hope the feeling passes and you start focusing on yourself. You deserve better, he made his bed and now u are living for you.
Author so_sad Posted December 29, 2007 Author Posted December 29, 2007 Thanks to all for sharing your thoughts. Jmina, I really liked what you said about not turning the love into hate and really becoming a bitter person. I have been thinking about the whole "feeling sorry" thing and I realized that my ex is actually kind of pushing me in that direction by sounding very down when we talk and telling me that he's having a hard time (despite all of this being 100% his decision). He is the kind of person who needs everyone to like him, and because of the way he broke up with me, he knows that I and lots of other people are pretty shocked at his behaviour. I think he may be cultivating the "poor me" thing because he can't stand to be perceived as the bad guy. Anyway, I'm going to do my best not to feel bad for him after the pain he has put me through. Thanks again.
Fandabby Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 right im gona have to agree with trail by fire here ( i didnt really read everything but i think shes saying dont feel sorry for ex) and reason i agree is cause first time me and ex broke up, she was nasty to me for weeks, did everthing to hurt me, rubbed stuff in my face thru texts calls etc for weeks, i mean the full 100% all out being nasty ( and she dumped me lol) she just couldnt let me deal with the pain i already had, so anyway, on a friday same as useual i got the random calls and texts what hurt me more with nasty stuff, the whole '' go die, hate you, *** u'' etc etc. then the saturday comes and she calls me crying, because her and her mate has fell out and shes now not invited to a party, without thinking of what shes done, straight away ( cause im a nice guy) i cheer her up, tell her nice things etc ( not to get back with her, jus cause im nice) and we chatted for hours about her, and me just cheering her up in every way and making her smile and laugh, i didnt rub it in her face or say anything nasty, then we go off the phone i go bed, and sunday comes, i wake up and bam, i have the '' i hate you soo much '' text and then just like that shes back miss nasty, now thats proof right there, that do not feel sorry for your ex, they will want you to cheer them up and speak to you when there down, but when there doing ok, they don't give a sh*t about you, and when your down, they just wanna make it worse, lesson learnt,lesson noted
Ronni_W Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 ...when I'm not filled with sadness and anger about how he treated me, part of me feels sorry for this person That's the part of you that is expansive and loving and compassionate! I think it's very admirable that you're still able to nurture this part, even though there are other parts that are going through such a tough time, right now. Sending wishes for a brighter New Year.
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