shaynej76 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Well folks I don't know if you have read my threads but heres a quick summary. My fiance of 4 years left and slept w another man. We have a 8 month old boy! She and I have been spending alot of time together and some is good other times is bad. I want our relationship to work and so does she. I have forgiven her and want us back together! She does too only she is to scared to try it. How can I convince her to come home. I dont want to raise my child alone and niether does she! SO WHATS THE PROBLEM!!! Help people!!!
Harpe Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 Shayne, I have read the posts you have made on your situation. Sorry to hear about what has happened to you, I really am. What your fiance has done to you is a terrible thing, and should never be excused. However, I have to say that you are doing NOTHING to make the situation better. Now I have never been married or engaged, but I have been in relationships with women who have lost interest in me...and from your posts it seems to me that that is exactly what has happened with your ex-fiance. Right now you are so deep in the situation emotionally you have NO CLUE how damned irrational you are and, even though I take no pleasure in saying it, how pathetic you are acting. And by pathetic I mean that your posts are eliciting pity in me, and I am sure pity in many other individuals reading them. This is what you are projecting from your words, and I am sure this is what you are projecting to your EX fiance. Right now you are in SELF PITY mode. Now, I am not saying this to beat you down further than you already are. I have been there. EVERYONE has been there. It is a damned annoying natural reaction to situations such as this, do not feel bad about it. It is extremely easy to get into this mode when life doesn't turn out the way we want it to, when all of our best laid plans go to ****. I am saying this because you need to recognize that you are in this mode, and realize that you are doing it to yourself. She is doing all of this confusing and hurtful things to you, but YOU are CHOOSING how you react to it. If you are going to get out of this with minimal emotional damage, if you are going to get out of this at all, you have to STOP with the self pity. One of the first things you have to do is recognize the situation you are in now for what it is, and you have to accept that. You have to FORCE yourself to realize that there are things out of your control, one of them being the actions of other people, and you have to accept it. There is no other alternative. The problem is that right now you cannot see your situation for what it is. You have been posting on here asking people for advice, asking people for advice, hoping that they will give you some magical thing to say or do that will bring you control over your fiance again (and I'm not meaning control in a negative way, I'm meaning control over her feelings for you and control over your desired outcome - to be together). You cannot see things for the way they are because you are too close to the situation, and because you are fooling yourself. You are not facing up to the truth because it is a damned scary thing. Read your posts again and delete all of the self pitying things in them. You have given yourself great advice within your posts but have COMPLETELY ignored it in favour of self pity. In favour of trying to create a reality that will, in my opinion, not happen - and if it does it will not happen for long, nor bring you any sort of lasting happiness. It is admirable that you are trying to do what is best for your son, but you must ask yourself exactly what that would be. Staying with someone only for the sake of a child seems a ludicrous (though in a way noble...) idea to me. I don't have time to continue now, but I will post more tomorrow. I encourage others to post in this thread giving their perspective on shayne's issue. Objectivity is a great thing to have in situations like this, and it is something that you cannot always give yourself.
Author shaynej76 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 Well thank you for your response. I agree self pity is something I need to stay away from. Since I posted this last post things are improving dramatically!We are both in group as well as one on one counseling.It has been working so far. I agree this will be a long road ahead,but we are both fighters and we believe we can fix what is broken.Atleast I do for sure.Our problems only stem from our stubborness and immaturity. I thank you for your critisim. I try not to loathe and pity myself because I know I was at fault too.It is very hard not to. People never want to admit they were wrong atleast I dont.We had a very nice christmas with her family so I believe we are making exceptional progress. She does want to come home but only when she is ready too. Understandable! I dont want her to move back too fast. I want all the blaming to stop first and loving to start again! I will take it for what its worth and build on what we have noton what we lost!!! Other people have worse problems that they recover from so I have faith we can survive this road bump!!!Thanks again for your imput! My son is crying gotta go!
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