4givrnt4gtr Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 We've been thru this before you all and I..... But How. In. THe. World.DO I STOOOOPPP!! UGHH i seriously irritate myself. Quick synapse of what has me in a tizy today. BF and I went skiing saturday. All lovely, sweet, he taught me how to ski, it was great . With saturday we had spent about 3 days together. Sunday he went to see his family up north. Now, before he used to call me or text me when he did. For some reason he hasnt lately. So i texted him, I said "I hope you had a safe drive" he replied with "Yeah...I got here safe..." Thats it... , no "thank you" no...nothing. But ok, i let it slide and said "hope u have fun with ur fam" ...no response to that. Now, ok fine his family doesnt know about us, and he's working on figuring out how to tell them....but seriously? So ok let it go....comes monday, no communication, comes tuesday...nothing...so i texted him "merry xmas stranger" ...although he isnt christian. He texted back "u 2....stranger?" so i texted "Im just messing with you. Miss you" he responded "miss you too" and his nickname for me. So ok all is good.... then he calls me at nite, my phone drops his calls so i tell him ill call him later. I do and he is busy with his computer so i asked him if he wanted me to let him go. He says "well we can talk tomorrow yeah?" so we hang up. I got annoyed...(cuz im retarded like that) but got over it. Then today, we both work, and usually we aim during work. So, since i felt him sorta distant i didnt aim him waiting to see if he would. Well, he didnt...all day... Needless to say im worried something is up.... GOD i hate how insecured i am!!!! He already said he is thinking about us in the long run, I already know he really cares for me...then why in the world do i freak out over things like these!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If anyone at all could tell me how in the world I can stop being so paranoid (or if im right about being paranoid) please please do cuz i am getting sooo very tired with myself!!!!
Legend Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I'd say i'm just as crazy as you are when I really like someone and don't seem to be getting the same feelings back. I don't think theres a way not have these feelings. We all have insecurities that eat away at us... drive us crazy... what I do, instead of playing games (seeing if she'll aim me, or text me) Just text him, whenever you want. Call whenever you want. Aim whenever you want. Forget playing games. 1) you'll have your answer sooner that way, and 2) it eases the pain that is generated when we don't communicate. Best of luck...
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 I'd say i'm just as crazy as you are when I really like someone and don't seem to be getting the same feelings back. I don't think theres a way not have these feelings. We all have insecurities that eat away at us... drive us crazy... what I do, instead of playing games (seeing if she'll aim me, or text me) Just text him, whenever you want. Call whenever you want. Aim whenever you want. Forget playing games. 1) you'll have your answer sooner that way, and 2) it eases the pain that is generated when we don't communicate. Best of luck... But see...thing is... i dont wanna appear needy (although i am fully aware that i AM needy...he really doesnt need to know that) so i wanna give him as much a space as he needs to figure out what he wants...and ok fine i also wanna save face on top of not wanting to feel like im putting all the effort....ughh UGHH ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Legend Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Ya, but look at you now. Is it working for you? No. You're going insane. Why bother? It's not worth it in the long run. If he really does like you, it won't appear needy, just talk about real stuff, not 'i miss you' every other message. As far as putting in all the effort, if that's what it comes down to, then do you really want to be with a guy like that? Go find someone who suits your needs more. 'but he's so hot blahbalbhalhablhab' psh whatever
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 . 'but he's so hot blahbalbhalhablhab' psh whatever Hahaa its not even about him being hot...not at all. When we are together I feel like he is really really REALLY into me. As i said we've talked about getting married, given his familie's acceptance (He is Indian, Im hispanic...yeah). So when we are together im really really happy, but when we are appart all these fears start creeping in, and every little thing worries me, and scares me that he is either gonna get bored of me, or something no matter how good our last meeting was...i dont know, but i do know i need to stop and i dont know how ....
Legend Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Try alcohol or Xanex... always helps me take the edge off.
Lizzie60 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 But see...thing is... i dont wanna appear needy (although i am fully aware that i AM needy...he really doesnt need to know that) so i wanna give him as much a space as he needs to figure out what he wants...and ok fine i also wanna save face on top of not wanting to feel like im putting all the effort....ughh UGHH ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh You need to back off a little.. you say he doesn't need to know that you're needy... trust me... he already knows it... These things can be felt very easily... Just back off... let him do the calling... guys are like that sometimes... they just need to be left alone then they will 'worry' about what's going on.. and they will come back 'running' at you... Works every time.. just be independant... see he is and it works... it's driving you insane.. why don't you drive him 'insane' for a change... make him run after you... trust me on that one... If he still seem 'un-interested'.. well.. he's not worth your time.. move on and find someone who IS interested...
Legend Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 These things can be felt very easily... Just back off... let him do the calling... guys are like that sometimes... they just need to be left alone then they will 'worry' about what's going on.. and they will come back 'running' at you.. Sure if you wanna play games and have your relationship ruined. God you women have no clue. Seriously.
Lizzie60 Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Sure if you wanna play games and have your relationship ruined. God you women have no clue. Seriously. all I'm saying is that men like strong, independant NOTclingy, needy women... it's not about playing games...it's about being independant... really... I'm not sure who's got no clue here...
Jilly Bean Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 John Gray would call this your 90/10 issues. Meaning, 90% of your reaction is based on a previous hurt, and only 10% of your feelings are actually directly correlated to this issue. Work through that, and you will lighten up considerably.
D-Lish Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Ya, but look at you now. Is it working for you? No. You're going insane. Why bother? It's not worth it in the long run. If he really does like you, it won't appear needy, just talk about real stuff, not 'i miss you' every other message. As far as putting in all the effort, if that's what it comes down to, then do you really want to be with a guy like that? Go find someone who suits your needs more. 'but he's so hot blahbalbhalhablhab' psh whatever I agree- if someone really likes you...he will be open to talking about the "real" stuff that is going on between you. You obviously need some answers- and he is giving you some mixed signals. Confront him- see what he has to say. If he is aloof again- then that it's your clue to step back and take space for yourself!
allina Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 Sunday he went to see his family up north. Now, before he used to call me or text me when he did. For some reason he hasnt lately. So i texted him, I said "I hope you had a safe drive" he replied with "Yeah...I got here safe..." Thats it... , no "thank you" no...nothing. But ok, i let it slide and said "hope u have fun with ur fam" ...no response to that. Now, ok fine his family doesnt know about us, and he's working on figuring out how to tell them....but seriously? So ok let it go....comes monday, no communication, comes tuesday...nothing...so i texted him "merry xmas stranger" ...although he isnt christian. He texted back "u 2....stranger?" so i texted "Im just messing with you. Miss you" he responded "miss you too" and his nickname for me. Why does his family not know about you? IS there a factor that makes this a big deal? I would not be okay w/ my bf's parents not knowing about me. Also I don't think you're crazy or insecure here, he replied to your text in a cold and distant way then didn't even call you to wish you Merry Christmas! I forgot how long you guys were together again, sorry, but imo not calling your gf when you're in a serious relationship is not normal or acceptable.
spookie Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 I'm with allina on this one. Why doens't his family know? And why culdn't he give you a call to wish you merry xmas? You say he isn't christian, but evidently xmas means enough to him to be spending it with his family... I'm not saying this to make you feel MORE insecure, but sometimes I think we women tend to dismiss red flags just for the sake of not appearing needy. I wouldn't say you're being needy. I'd say you feel maybe something's not right. And I don't know the dynamics of your unique relationship, and what is or isn't acceptable to you, but I know it's ok to listen to your gut sometimes. What is it telling you?
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 There is a fine line between needy hysteria and gut feelings. In this case, I think you are picking up on some worrisome red flags that really are there. His behavior toward you is changing, and he is creating some distance through his actions. My guess? He is trying to set a pace in the relationship that he is more comfortable with. Perhaps up until now things were going in a direction he wasn't ready for and now he is slowing it down some. That's what it sounds like to me. I'm not saying he is going to dump you, or that he is seeing someone else but it is clear (particularly since he hasn't shared his relationship with you with his family) that he is trying to keep things on a less serious and less forward moving pace.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 I'm with allina on this one. Why doens't his family know? And why culdn't he give you a call to wish you merry xmas? You say he isn't christian, but evidently xmas means enough to him to be spending it with his family... Well his family doesnt know because he's never brought a girl home, not even as a friend, let alone a non Indian, non Hindu girl. At the beginning he told me he would not tell his family unless it became serious. Now that it is becoming serious he is trying to figure out how to tell them. He told me last time he even mentioned a girl he dated (an Indian girl) they were upset bc he doesnt want to date girls they want for him but he would accept his friends' opinions. So bc of this he is afraid of how they will react. We'll see Now, the whole Christmas thing, I asked him about it. He says they dont celebrate it, but since it is a day off for everyone they all like to get together since it happens so rarely and his brother just had a baby a few months ago. I think my main worry is how the whole family thing is gonna go (cuz when he goes home thats when he cant call me, so i really just hope he'll stop worrying so much and tell them already). If its gonna happen its gonna happen....
D-Lish Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 That's just wrong. I understand the cultural and religious implications in this matter, but I don't agree with the exclusionary practices that many religions/cultures promote. This is 2008. There's so much more to someone than the colour of their skin and spiritual nature. Ugh, I would be so offended if I were you. Such a tough situation. I would like to think that he values his relationship enough with you to stand up to his parents and give you the respect you deserve. I am sorry you are experiencing this.
Hi Powered Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 His responses to you seem as though he really couldnt care less about upsetting u. He sounds very non comittal. I think you are right to be worried hun. When things dont smell right - usually us women have it spot on.Instinct?...
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 That's just wrong. I understand the cultural and religious implications in this matter, but I don't agree with the exclusionary practices that many religions/cultures promote. This is 2008. There's so much more to someone than the colour of their skin and spiritual nature. Ugh, I would be so offended if I were you. Such a tough situation. I would like to think that he values his relationship enough with you to stand up to his parents and give you the respect you deserve. I am sorry you are experiencing this. Yeah the whole culture/religion part is tough, but i knew what I was getting into from the start. No matter how much we want to pretend it doesnt matter, different cultures and religions will affect a relationship. Thats not the part im irritated with. I understand it very well, and I know where he is coming from (as I have to deal with it in my own Hispanic family), only that my family isnt as close knit as his family so no matter how many "ughh but he is sooo dark!" and "ughh isnt he supposed to be like engaged when he is born" and other ridiculous, ignorant comments I get from them, I could care less cuz I have long lost any respect for their opinions. He however, respects his parents very much, but I honestly feel, from what he says about them, they are going to be open minded, he just hasnt experienced it. Its just a matter of him not being so nervous of it. In any case, my original question is more about how do I get over my own personal fears. Rationally I have no question about his commitment to me and what he wants from me, despite him being a retarded guy sometimes (even he says so.."i say so many stupid stuff sometimes, I dont know how you can laugh it off"). My problem is more about my constant fear of my past happening again, not just with him but with anyone else. I know that if i were to end things with him and go out with someone else, I would be just as scared. I know so bc from the get go, no matter how great he was, I was afraid he would leave.... I need to get over being dumped three times without a clear explanation. One said "I like you but not enough" the other one said "well, I just dont want to hurt you" and the other one said "i just dont feel what i thought I felt"....how in the world do you make sense of all that, when everything seemed to be ok (with ALL of them), then the next day they tell you all this. Its hard to not be paranoid....but I really need to get over it...any ideas?? How do you get over past hurts??
jcster Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 How do you get over past hurts?? I think that if everyone could figure that out, the world would be a much happier place. I've found that there are two things that you can do to stop reacting to past hurts. One is to slow down. So many of our reactions are automatic, it's the way our brains work, and our brains remember past hurts far easier than past happinesses. It's a survival reflex. So, to derail that reflex, it's important to slow down and experience your emotions before acting on them. Wait to find out if you are really upset or reacting to what your mind has programmed you to interpret as a threat. Don't fly off the handle, wait before you react. Secondly, it's important to do new things. Experience life from a "different angle" than you have previously. Building new experiences gives new perspective on older experiences, and can help you see them in a different way.
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