s wanted

[JHS]

This should be titled, "Opinions Wanted" but I could not edit the title. I will try and be as objective as possible and I would appreciate opinions primarily on how I reacted (although opinions about the other person will be read). This is kind of a break up but since there was not much a relationship to start, an "end" is more accurate. Sorry this is so long; thanks in advance.

 

About 2 months ago I met a girl an we went out a few times. We are both over 35. She is a single mother living in a big house on her own and doesn't get much help from her ex. Once in her house she complained that her son's bathroom floor needed to be retiled so I offered to do it - no charge, nothing in return (other than food while I was working) just if she would pick up the costs. She agrees and I start the work. Well, it took a while. Probably twice what I anticipated originally largely due to what I call the "This Old House" syndrome - everything that could be a problem was, through no fault of my own. And there were other things - many other things that I did along the way (like re-wire new light, relocate plumbing, etc) and I was doing a really good, custom type job. There were many corners cut in the old bathroom which I did the right way but since I have a real job during the week, I mostly would work on it during weekends and I got most of it done. She was away on vacation last week and my plan was to have it done by the time she returned. Well, she returned last Saturday night and I mistakenly thought she was going to return Monday. When she came back the water was off to her house and I was still about a full day away from completion. The whole thing took about 4 weeks.

 

When she came back Saturday there were some people there at her house and I told her the water was off. She did not indicate any problem and was quite cordial to me and told me she had to get a shower so she could go out. I immediately worked to get the water back running (took about 45 minutes - I was working like the guy in the Matrix when the Sentinel was coming) and planned to come back the next day. Later, when I when I was saying goodbye, she handed me my phone and there was a message - from her - stating, "He has not done a thing on the bathroom, I want to cry." I kind of said, "h" and she point blank looked at me and said, "I didn't send that" twice. I said don't worry and left. The next morning, so as not to intrude, I sent her an e-mail telling her not to worry about the text message, that I was as sorry as she was that I was not finished and for her to let me know when I could start the job again. A little while later I get the following text message: "Hey! I'm going to be running around today, so don't worry about the bathroom. We can get back to it after the holidays. Have a terrific Christmas!" I thought that was odd because I had talked to this girl every day and Christmas was still two days away but I knew she was getting fed up so I responded telling her that I was sorry it was not done, but I really wanted to work on it and finish it that day (Sunday).

 

No response. At all.

 

So the next day (Monday) it hit me that she was having another friend - who also has some handyman experience - come over and finish the job. On that hunch I went over and sure enough, he was there. He said he had no choice and that she was angry. I made the point that I could understand her anger, I agreed that it took a long time, explaining and showing him partly why but that she didn't have to treat me like a jerk (by not telling me she was angry and ignoring me and calling him w/out discussing). So I got my tools and cleared completely out. I was not a jerk to him - I briefly showed him what else needed to be done. She kind of stayed away but then came down and was all smiles. I really didn't talk to her, I just said that I gave back her house key and was out of there and she basically had no response.

 

A half hour later I got a long text message saying how she was sorry, how she was too frustrated to talk about it any more and would send an e-mail explaining everything so there were no feelings being hurt unnecessarily. I thought about this for a while and my response was along the lines of, "Don't bother to send the e-mail - those types of e-mails are more effective before you treat someone like a jerk. My advice if you are worried about feelings: Don't lie."

 

Good? Bad? Harsh? Not Harsh enough? Dramatic?

Edited December 26, 2007 by JHS
Fix error

[Lishy]

You did her a favour for no charge and I guess she is frustrated that it has taken 4 weeks and I guess her son has not had a bathroom for that amount of time?

 

I think that however she felt about it she went about her anger with you the wrong way! I am guessing that as she has not known you that long she felt bad questioning you and asking why it had taken so long.

 

Her offering to email you her feelings sort of shows that she is not very good at communicating and that is a HUGE red flag, my recent ex did this and that is why we have split!

 

I would not contact her anymore and if she likes you you will hear from her and if you do I advice you to be open and tell her how you feel!

 

good luck!

[JHS]

Thanks. Your assumptions are right. And that non-communication thing is what hurt - I didn't know her too well but I am not some person who is unapproachable. Had she said anything, I would have really apologized and told her that she had every right to be angry. Instead she just feigned indifference and then the true side was revealed.

 

Also, I just talked to a friend of mine who said that her bathroom renovation cost close to $10,000 so my work probably would have been between $4,000-$5,000. Sheesh.

[Lishy]

Well honey your good deed blew in your face BUT she will realise! Probably too late though!

[tinke]

it was kind of you to assist with the repairs.

sorry, but she would have the right to be upset if you were hired and signed a proposal stating the date of completion.

 

can i ask...when she realized the work was not completed, did she offer to work along side you to speed things up? assist in any way?

 

shame on her for the way she handled the situation, she could have explained to you the urgency to have it completed and her need to request help from someone more available. and an e-mail???? c'mon, if she really felt bad about upsetting you, why not come over and talk, or at least call? i would agree that that is surely a sign of poor communication. that is a tough road to travel!

 

do you think she was only interested in the repairs? upsetting, i know. but, if anything, even if she no longer felt more for YOU, then she should have been stand-up and offer you money for the work you've done. it just feels weird..bad vibes.

 

no, i do not believe you were too harsh.

i would lay low and see if she attempts to call you. if anything at all, i would think she would at least call to thank you for your work. don't know...it doesn't add up.

 

did she pay this other friend? do you think she was only interested in repairs, or is she very demanding/controlling?

 

seems like a whole lot of drama for just beginning to date!

 

be well.

[AriaIncognito]

Wow, she's got some nerve.

 

If she had an issue with the speed at which you were working (for free mind you) she should have said something instead of just bottling it up and then eventally bringing in another friend. Ridiculous.

 

However, with how she handled it, I have to wonder, was the basis of your relationship with her mostly you helping her, or did she actually seem into you? I ask because it seems odd that you have basically been helping her from the get go and now that it's almost done, shes outta there.

 

You did a good thing, you just unfortunately did it for the wrong person. Hopefully you'll find someone who will appreciate your help next time. I know I'd appreciate that kinda thing! Some people...

[JHS]

it was kind of you to assist with the repairs.

sorry, but she would have the right to be upset if you were hired and signed a proposal stating the date of completion.

 

can i ask...when she realized the work was not completed, did she offer to work along side you to speed things up? assist in any way?

 

shame on her for the way she handled the situation, she could have explained to you the urgency to have it completed and her need to request help from someone more available. and an e-mail???? c'mon, if she really felt bad about upsetting you, why not come over and talk, or at least call? i would agree that that is surely a sign of poor communication. that is a tough road to travel!

 

do you think she was only interested in the repairs? upsetting, i know. but, if anything, even if she no longer felt more for YOU, then she should have been stand-up and offer you money for the work you've done. it just feels weird..bad vibes.

 

no, i do not believe you were too harsh.

i would lay low and see if she attempts to call you. if anything at all, i would think she would at least call to thank you for your work. don't know...it doesn't add up.

 

did she pay this other friend? do you think she was only interested in repairs, or is she very demanding/controlling?

 

seems like a whole lot of drama for just beginning to date!

 

be well.

 

I'll try to respond (but I haven't figured out the multiple quote and reply thing)

1) THanks. THere was no formal proposal. I was just being a friend. I am not a professional handyman - just do it occasionally as a hobby and wanted to help her out. I had originally told her it would take about 4 work days but due to many unforseen things and then my offering to do more things not originally contemplated (like electrical re-wiring, plumbing), it stretched out many more days. But you are totally right she had the right to be upset - I was too because it was more than I wanted to deal with but I stupidly did it anyway, again, to be helpful.

 

2) No, did not offer. In fact she was away so I was working while she was gone. There was not a lot she (or any helper) could have done - except for one day. Each step just added time.

 

3) I totally agree, and that's why my feelings were hurt. Remember, I had taken her out a few times prior to my helping and she said, in a few e-mails before things unraveled, that she really valued our time together.

 

4) No. Totally my idea and my offering. I said I could do it (which I could) and she said fine. All my own volition.

 

5) THanks. I don't like to hurt feelings. She did not pay this other friend. IN fact, he was a guy who liked (and probably likes) but she did not reciprocate - according to her. She is not at all demanding or controlling. She is quite easy going ostensibly. But I did a little research - and "passive-aggressive" is what seems to be indicated. She acted one way - happy and smiling, but inside she was frustrated and angry. Instead of just saying to me, "I'm angry, and I think I'll ask Joe to do it" she had him do it w/out telling me (lying to me in fact).

 

I found this helpful: http://www.coping.org/anger/passive.htm#correct

 

Thanks for your time and response.

[JHS]

Wow, she's got some nerve.

 

If she had an issue with the speed at which you were working (for free mind you) she should have said something instead of just bottling it up and then eventally bringing in another friend. Ridiculous.

 

However, with how she handled it, I have to wonder, was the basis of your relationship with her mostly you helping her, or did she actually seem into you? I ask because it seems odd that you have basically been helping her from the get go and now that it's almost done, shes outta there.

 

You did a good thing, you just unfortunately did it for the wrong person. Hopefully you'll find someone who will appreciate your help next time. I know I'd appreciate that kinda thing! Some people...

 

Thanks. I think she was genuinely interested. I did the work just to help her - she's a busy, single mom w/out much help from her ex so I offered. I think she genuinely feels bad and would have seen me further but I am just not interested in giving someone a chance to someone who, in my opinion, acts like a 12 year old. If none of it happened, I doubt I would have been romantically involved anyway, I was not that into her. But I wasn't going to start something and then just walk away.

[tinke]

sounds like you are an honorable man.

hope in time you will find someone more compatible, communicative.

don't sell yourself short!

take care

[JHS]

sounds like you are an honorable man.

hope in time you will find someone more compatible, communicative.

don't sell yourself short!

take care

 

Tanks Tinke !

[Krytie TV]

I know you're a nice guy, but my life lessons have taught me to never go out of your way for someone that you don't know very well. More often than not, it will bite you in the a$$. Or at least go unrewarded or appreciated.