Is he just a Nice Guy?

[audrey88]

a superstitious reason for reposting below

[audrey88]

So, I've had this male friend for a number of years and we recently started dating. Other than the usual bumps in the transition from friends to something more, everything has been going great. However, we went out the other night, and the thought "Maybe he's gay" runs through my head.

 

So, here's the information that made the thought run through my head.

 

1. He watches the cartoon movies, by himself - not because I asked him to.

2. He constantly reminds me that I'm in a hetero guy's apartment.

3. Questionable music on the IPOD - Soundtracks from Broadway musicals, Rocky Horror Picture show soundtrack, WHAM, and a few other things I can't remember.

 

number 4, AND THIS IS THE BIGGY

 

 

4. Everytime we kiss or do anything sexual, I feel like it is me who has to start it. I mean what kind of guy spends all night with someone he admittedly has feeligns for and doesn't even attempt to kiss her until she asks him too?!

 

He has told me that he is a shy guy, and never thought that he would ever have a chance with me in a million years (I find this very funny because I liked him the second I saw him). Also, his last relationship was pretty long, so perhaps he is just adjusting to dating again after a number of years out of the game. I know that I am.

 

I talked to a friend about it, and she said that he may just want to take it slow since we're both coming off of long term relationships, mine more recent than his. She also thinks that he may be being cautious because he doesn't want to ruin our friendship or be my rebound guy.

 

 

Anyways, any opinions? Is he just a nice guy or is something else going on ?

[Legend]

Just sounds like a genuine nice guy who is shy. Nothing to read into. I have a few broadway musical cd's. Guys can't appreciate nice music too?

[D-Lish]

don't discount your gay-dar just yet.

 

I have a friend who just came out of the closet recently- he's 34....been dating chicks his whole life, but I always new he was gay. I even joked about it with him all the time.

So when he told me I was like "duh.... I could have told you that years ago".

 

That doesn't mean anything though.

 

Just take it slow and use your instincts.

[Jilly Bean]

I have a few broadway musical cd's.

 

LOL. Yes, they can. Just so long as you're not bopping to it on your ipod while getting a mani/pedi...

[Legend]

LOL. Yes, they can. Just so long as you're not bopping to it on your ipod while getting a mani/pedi...

I don't even own an ipod believe it or not. But I do have an appreciation for theater and I'm definitely not gay.

[Jilly Bean]

I don't even own an ipod believe it or not. But I do have an appreciation for theater and I'm definitely not gay.

 

Just don't bop, clutch your imaginary pearl necklace or pluck your eyebrows while doing it, and you're fine. BTW, Legend, I've been letting you respond first lately. See how trainable I am?

 

Audrey - heres a story for you. A few years back, a mutual friend fixed me up with a friend of hers. We had a lot in common, and we exchanged some great emails. When we finally spoke on the phone, it was like listening to Nathan Lane with a slow leak (not that there's anything wrong with that - lol). He LOOKED hetero, dressed like a dude, wasn't exceptionally groomed, etc. HOWEVER, our second date was a trip to Ikea to pick out furnishings for his new condo. And on a SUN am (my gay friends tell me this is a WAY gay place on SUN am). Anyhoo, there we are, looking at *gasp* toss pillows (his idea). I picked one out, and said, "how about this one? purple is nice!". To which he replied, "Oh no, Jillian, it's not purple. It's AUBERGINE."

 

Ahem.

 

Flash forward- back to his place. We are making out on his bed (he's very passionate). He volunteers how it annoys him that people always think he's gay when he knows for a FACT he's not gay. My heart is racing a mile a minute at this point, and I will myself to remain calm. "Oh? And how do you know that for a fact?" To which he replied, "because I had sex with a man." Ahem. "Oh? And how was that?" "Not wholly unpleasant."

 

End of him.

 

Point is, there are certainly guys who have CONVINCED themselves they are not gay, but IMO, if you get that gay vibe, then he probably is. Show tunes not withstanding...

[D-Lish]

ever catch him checking out other guys?

That's something to watch for.

 

Otherwise- he could just have a low sex drive and be shy.

wait until you do have sex and see what it is like.

[Legend]

Legend, I've been letting you respond first lately. See how trainable I am?

 

Haha yes.. Quite trainable.

 

@ OP - My gut tells me this guy isn't gay. But that's just me...

[audrey88]

Just sounds like a genuine nice guy who is shy. Nothing to read into. I have a few broadway musical cd's. Guys can't appreciate nice music too?

 

I have lots of straight male friends that appreciate nice music. However they all seem to live in Los Angeles -- which is not my neck of the woods.

 

My gut tells me this guy isn't gay. But that's just me...

 

I hope you're right, Legend. This guy is the first guy I've really had feelings for since I split with my ex a few months ago. I've never thought he was gay until the other day. He's always been pretty "manly" around me. Very into sports, not overly groomed, always checking out girls. My friend told me that I've just never been with a nice guy before . She may be right. I know how to pick some pretty bad ones, or get paranoid that the good ones are gay apparently

 

 

D-Lish - He always checks out girls, but will lie to me and tell me that I'm hotter than the super hot chick walking down the street, just to boost my ego. I think that's my favorite quality of his .

 

Jilly Bean - The apartment is not decorated, by any stretch of the imagination. While he may be bopping around to the soundtrack of Scrubs the musical, he is not getting mani's and pedi's.

 

I think I'll just take it slow and see what surfaces. It's one thing to be shy in the beginning, but he should get over that eventually, right. Number 4 is mainly what makes me feel like he might be gay. Everything else, I could dismiss as him being quirky. I've never been with someone who always wanted the girl to make the first move.

[audrey88]

P.S. - D-Lish,

 

This was the same guy that was slow in returning my phone calls a while back. You were right, laying low worked . Obviously, he called

[Legend]

D-Lish - He always checks out girls, but will lie to me and tell me that I'm hotter than the super hot chick walking down the street, just to boost my ego. I think that's my favorite quality of his .

 

 

Proof he's not gay. He's just a really really nice guy...

[Jilly Bean]

He always checks out girls, but will lie to me and tell me that I'm hotter than the super hot chick walking down the street, just to boost my ego. I think that's my favorite quality of his .

 

Your favorite quality of his is that he checks out other women in front of you, comments on them, and then lies to make you feel better about your hotness?

 

Remember, gay men will overcompensate in this arena so they appear more "macho". Honestly, I'd be hoping for gay at this point. Otherwise, he sounds like an ahole.

[D-Lish]

P.S. - D-Lish,

 

This was the same guy that was slow in returning my phone calls a while back. You were right, laying low worked . Obviously, he called

 

It makes them think more about you when you are a little absent.

;-) It usually works for me. I am glad he stepped up his game.

[audrey88]

Your favorite quality of his is that he checks out other women in front of you, comments on them, and then lies to make you feel better about your hotness?

 

Remember, gay men will overcompensate in this arena so they appear more "macho". Honestly, I'd be hoping for gay at this point. Otherwise, he sounds like an ahole.

 

Well, this interaction was done we were just friends. Trust me, he's not an ahole. No matter how I made it sound.

 

He never looks at other girls in front of me now.

[audrey88]

Proof he's not gay. He's just a really really nice guy...

 

I have to agree with Jilly Bean on this one. This is not proof that he is not gay, just that he wants to cover it by checking out other girls.

 

Trust me, I wish it were proof.

[Jilly Bean]

Audrey - out of all your enumerated "suspicions", I find #2 to be the most curious. Someone comfortable with their sexuality doesn't feel the need to QUALIFY their orientation in casual conversation. I mean, I don't put on a short skirt and then tell everyone, "well, what do you expect from me? I'm a STRAIGHT chick!". There's always something behind someone who feels the need to clarify which team they are no, particularly when it is a complete non sequitor.

 

And the point of my story of the aubergine guy was not to illustrate that if a guy has a nice apartment he is gay, and if yours doesn't, he's not. It was meant as a commentary that sometimes where there is smoke, there is fire...

[audrey88]

Jilly Bean, I know and it's depressing. There are just too many red flags, and I've come to the conclusion that he is probably gay. You know how many red flags there were with my last boyfriend? None, because he was straight.

 

I was thinking about number 2 yesterday. Any other male friend of mine would simply say "You're in a guy's apartment. What did you expect?" They would not qualify it with hetero because there would is no need to do so if you're straight.

 

I'm going to stop dating him and be there for him as a friend, because I think that's what he needs right now. He may be on the verge of coming out, and I don't want to be something for him to hide behind. Nor do I want to be with someone who is not interested in me anyway.

[Jilly Bean]

Oh, hon. I'm sorry that this one didn't work out so well. FWIW, as someone else said, it's always best to trust your gut. Women were given the gift of intuition, and there is often a reason why your spidey senses will go on high alert.

 

The aubergine guy STILL hasn't come out, and he is 38! And I used to look at his myspace page while we were dating. One girl he worked with left him a cartoon once saying something to the effect of "I'm not gay. I just act this way.". Made me realize it wasn't only me who had suspicions. Also, he was pretty good in bed, so that wasn't a sign of his gayness, but still. It was really obvious to everyone but him. Even when he was sucking his friend's dick all those years ago...

[LoveLace]

I would have the same suspicions. It is quite possible that he's shy for now, given each of your situations. But, I would think he'd gradually get more comfortable with initiating affection. If not, will you be happy if it were to stay this way? I don't think I would. Maybe give him more time, I don't know how much maybe a month or 2? If you don't see improvement in the affection dept...I'd have to say something, that would drive me nuts.

 

I once dated a guy who was quite manly on the surface, into football and sports, etc., but one night as his house he was adament, and I mean adament about watching Moulin Rouge.....I said I don't know many guys who'd sit through that...he claimed it was because of Nicole Kidman....um but isn't she in 100 other movies? And now that I think of it, I was the initiator too...

 

But I've also known many other guys into the broadway musical thing, it does set their personalities off from the more mascualine guys, that whole artsy-sensitive thing; doesn't mean he's gay though....I would just wonder about that whole affection thing. And announcing "hetero" all the time sord of bugs me too....I probably haven't been much help!

 

Good luck

[audrey88]

But, I would think he'd gradually get more comfortable with initiating affection. If not, will you be happy if it were to stay this way? I don't think I would.

 

I would definitely not be happy this way. I would feel just awful if he never initiated anything. That would make me very unhappy, because I would feel like he didn't find me attractive and he didn't want me, and eventually lead to our break up.

 

I may give it a little while longer, but probably not. It's kind of strange though that all of this suspicious behavior didn't start until we began dating. Before that, there was never a doubt in my mind that he was straight. And now...well... you know.

 

Perhaps I'm blowing things out of proportion. Perhaps he said the word hetero once and it was in context because I was making fun of him for using some girly hair product or something, and I have blacked that out from my memory. (But I'm fairly sure it was a non sequitur and said more than once) But, if that is the case, then it's just my brain telling me that I'm not ready to move on yet; and I need just a little more single time to get over my broken heart.

 

it wasn't only me who had suspicions. Also, he was pretty good in bed, so that wasn't a sign of his gayness, but still.

 

The fact that he announces that he's straight makes me think someone else has accused him of being gay.

 

The only reasoned I mentioned that it was me initiating everything was because my high school sweetheart turned out to be gay. There was no tell-tale sign except that he didn't initiate anything sexual, like any straight 16 year old guy would have. Which was a perfect relationship for me. At 15, I was perfectly happy to do nothing more than hold hands and kiss. At 25, that relationship would drive me nuts. Anyway, since high school, every guy I've dated has tried things until I said no and drew the line. I normally don't have great gay-dar, but the fact that he didn't do that, set it off.

 

Those high school memories. You just can't escape them.

[Jilly Bean]

"girly hair product"?

[Cobra_X30]

Jilly Bean, I know and it's depressing. There are just too many red flags, and I've come to the conclusion that he is probably gay. You know how many red flags there were with my last boyfriend? None, because he was straight.

 

I was thinking about number 2 yesterday. Any other male friend of mine would simply say "You're in a guy's apartment. What did you expect?" They would not qualify it with hetero because there would is no need to do so if you're straight.

 

I'm going to stop dating him and be there for him as a friend, because I think that's what he needs right now. He may be on the verge of coming out, and I don't want to be something for him to hide behind. Nor do I want to be with someone who is not interested in me anyway.

 

Your way overthinking this.

 

I'd say your making a really dumb move...

[audrey88]

Your way overthinking this.

 

I'd say your making a really dumb move...

 

I'm going to give it a little while longer. I actually like him and don't want to jump to conclusions or generalizations.

 

But, if the feeling that something isn't right doesn't go away, I have to stop dating him.

[Cobra_X30]

I'm going to give it a little while longer. I actually like him and don't want to jump to conclusions or generalizations.

 

But, if the feeling that something isn't right doesn't go away, I have to stop dating him.

 

I've known some effeminate guys who were not and never will be gay.

 

Look, if he likes things shoved up his butt... then yeah... he is gay. Otherwise... hold your horses.

 

Chances are the guy doesnt know how to initiate with you! Show him how you want it done and provide positive reinforcement. More than likely that will fix your main problem.